Chapter 5
As Cynthia began to move on, she heard a small rustle from a bush near by, this sound seemed familiar, probably from the time when King Dalas came out of it. This was just a rustle, nothing popped out, or made more sounds, Cynthia walked on from it.
She walked on for about a mile, the scene at this point was the forest again, but she wasn’t so scared of it this time. She was sort of used to it. As she came to a stop, for a quick rest, the same rustle sound was made. She jumped up. Out of the nearest bush walked six cats, unfortunately none of them were King Dalas or Sylvester.
They formed a neat line, and all looked at Cynthia. There were two cats that looked exactly like each other; the only difference was that one of then had a ginger patch on their head and the other one had a black patch. They were both white and fluffy. They turned to each other and started whispering, one of them stepped forward.
“Hello, you must be Cynthia. I am Tupa, this is my twin Gupa,” He said, pointing to his double. His double stepped forward.
“Yes I am Gupa; meet the rest of the crew!” Gupa cried. They formed a line again; Tupa and Gupa went to the back of it, leaving a purely ginger cat with hazel eyes and pointy ears at the front.
“I am Leo, pleasure to meet you, Sylvester’s told me about you!” Leo babbled- he then walked to the back of the line. A chubby grey and black cat with yellow eyes was at the front now.
“Hey, I’m Gibby.” Gibby stated, moving to the back of the line. Now there was the first female cat Cynthia had seen here, she was white ginger and brown, and had yellow eyes.
“I’m Yasmina, if King Dalas ever mentioned the bunch of kittens, I look after them,” Yasmina explained, going to the back. Another female was at the front, she had a tiny blue cape on her tortoise shell type fur.
“I’m Pushka, Dalas’s sidekick. I am the only one who calls him just Dalas.” Pushka boasted, and then Cynthia got a chance to speak.
“Yes Dalas, I mean King Dalas has mentioned all of you… Have you seen Tony, King Dalas said you were looking after him,” she asked. The cats murmured to each other, and then Gibby stepped forward.
“Sorry, but we lost him. He’s probably with Sylvester and King Dalas, but none of us knows where he is. We are all terribly sorry!” Gibby explained, and with that they trotted off. Oh, what trouble Cynthia had gotten herself in, her ma was right; she should have never taken Tony. Cynthia slumped by the nearest tree, and before she knew it, she was asleep…
She had a wonderful dream that she was reunited with Tony, but as soon as she woke up she realised she was in the same old place. Well, kind of. The setting had changed once again.
Now it was a road, but no ordinary road, it was all very dark. Lights were scattered about all over the place, one top of houses and castles. I know, not a very ordinary road. Although, all the houses were absolutely exquisite. The roof-tops were a typical triangular shape with points at the top. Most of them were blue red or yellow, and the bottoms of the houses were green, purple or orange. Now the curtains were purple and yellow, red and green or blue and orange.
Cynthia decided that this was the best setting so far; not that she didn’t like the sweets that she had gotten from the other one. It was so pretty and beautiful. Just when she thought it was so nice and mellow, out popped a bunch of musical notes.
Ok, these were proper musical notes just walking about, they all looked like this:
♫ ♫♫♫ ♫.
I was all so weird, they walked up to Cynthia and one of them spoke.
“Hello there! We are the choir, we’ll be performing on that stage in around fifteen minutes, be sure to see us!” He sang, and with that they all left. Cynthia looked toward the stage, and it was positively magical. The whole stage was glowing in neon colours, and on the back board there were posters about the choir were hung up. Everyone gathered around it quickly, Cynthia rushed towards it.
“Hello everybody!” One of the notes cheered. “Welcome to the concert of flowers we were honored when we found out that we were performing for this festival. As it’s just such a big and great one, let’s give a round of applause for the festival of flowers!”
Everyone clapped and screamed, deafeningly. Cynthia pushed her way to the front, amongst this audience. It was filled with elves and pixies and fairies, and even trolls and unicorns!
As she got to the front, the musical notes announced that they were going to take a break, after finishing one very short song. Cynthia quickly followed them backstage. They didn’t realise that they had someone following them until they properly were backstage.
“There she is! Well, did you like it? I know you’re a newcomer to this festival,” one of them said.
“Well, actually, I came backstage to ask you something. Have you seen a ginger cat walk by who responds to the name Tony?” Cynthia asked.
“Yeah, he jammed with us whilst we were rehearsing. Are you his owner? He’s one great cat! I don’t know where he went after that,” the same one responded. “Listen I’m doe, this is ray, this is me, and this is fah. Just incase you see us again! See you later man!”
This was a very fun activity for Cynthia, although she knew that it wasn’t going to last, as the setting would change again. All she could do was hope for the best.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello dear, so I'm just randomly reviewing your chapter 5 of this novel because it seems that somehow this piece of yours is the only one that hasn't received the love of at least two reviews
I'll just drop off an overall review. Starting off, I'll say that the flow was somewhat continuous, i.e., your style of writing doesn't change. I think though, in some parts, you sound more like you were mocking the stuff your writing about. I understand that writing for children can be very difficult, so I think all you basically have to do is just read over the bits and reduce down on the imagery or story parts that you got wrote off like that.
Also, you use the word 'pop' an unusual lot here, and it doesn't quite fit in,most of the time.
Finally, I think you should describe the:
using more imagery, that would really add to your piece.
Hope this review helps, somehow
~Duke
Hi there, let me properly introduce myself: I am Calvinn, here to review for you during the World Cup!
I could tell it is meant for a younger audience, and it works perfectly for people within that age range! Good job!
So, nitpicks! Here we go -
I can already see at first glance that punctuation is going to cause a tiny problem. But never fear, although I won't point them all out, I'll give you some examples of where you went wrong
1. "As Cynthia began to move on, she heard a small rustle from a bush near by, this sound seemed familiar, probably from the time when King Dalas came out of it." - O.K., way too long a sentence. Place a fullstop instead of a comma after 'bush near by'. Also, 'nearby' stands as one word
2. "This was just a rustle, nothing popped out, or made more sounds, Cynthia walked on from it." - same here, use fullstops instead of commas where appropriate.
3. "Out of the nearest bush walked six cats, unfortunately none of them were King Dalas or Sylvester." - fullstop after 'six cats', and a comma after 'unfortunately'
4. "They turned to each other and started whispering, one of them stepped forward." - fullstop instead of comma
5. "Cynthia slumped by the nearest tree, and before she knew it, she was asleep…" - there needs to be a transition of sorts here. You can't just say, 'she fell asleep'. Describe her actions - her eyelids drooped, she had had a tiring day. Explain to us why she slept immediately against a tree branch.
6. "Most of them were blue red or yellow, and the bottoms of the houses were green, purple or orange. Now the curtains were purple and yellow, red and green or blue and orange." - Way too many colours! Tone it down, and describe shape, curtains' length, etc etc
7. "I was all so weird" - 'It' instead of 'I'. Typo
8. "“Listen I’m doe, this is ray, this is me, and this is fah." - Names need to have their first letter capitalised.
Overall, this was a really cute read
Calvinn.