Introduction
One girl was unaware of what was coming ahead for her. What was going to strike her. How she was going to help, or fail. If she was going to find the one that she loved so much, or let that one go...
Chapter 1
Cynthia was reading a book when her ma came in. Cynthia was a real book-worm. Although reading is a good thing, her ma looked a little fed up.
Cynthia was near the end of her book, 'Wuthering Heights'. She was rapped up cosy under a small blanket on her bed. Pink, flowery cushions were lined up on her bed neatly, she looked like the real girly-girl. However, she listened to lots of mad heavy-metal bands that drove her ma crazy.
"Jane called, Cynthy." Her ma stated, "She wants you to go to her house. Dad and I are going out in a few minutes, you'll have to take the bus. At least you won't be bored today with Dad and I gone."
Cynthia looked worried, "Which bus, exactly, Ma?" She asked.
Just then, Tony, her cat strolled in. Tony was very lazy, but him feeling sleepy was alright this time because he had spent the whole morning chasing and eating a bird. Hard work, eh?
"Hang on, I know how to get to Jane's. Seeing as we bought that carrier cage for Tony, can I take him?" Cynthia looked hopeful, she took out her big beady eyes.
"OK honey, taking a cat is a big responsibility. he's not a dog!!" Ma replied.
"But please, I'm 11, I'm sure I can handle it," Cynthia pleaded.
"OK, you know what if you lose him, you'll lose him for good. He's a cat, he'll think you chucked him out!" Ma blabbed. They continued arguing until finally Cynthia convinced her ma to let her take Tony.
The two kissed each-other good-bye, although Ma was very worried about Tony. Cynthia left for the door, taking Tony in a carrier and two books.
She walked over to the bus stop, and sat on the bench. She managed to take her book out whilst putting Tony down. She didn't drop him, phew! As she only had 10 pages left of her book she finished within five minutes. As Cynthia was impatient, she decided to walk over to the next bus-stop, almost forgetting Tony.
The girl amazingly got out her second book, held Tony, who by the way was sleeping, and carried on to walk. The book, 'Of Mice and Men' was right in front of her face as she was walking. She didn't think to realise if this was going to cause an accident!
However, she forgot her other book at the bus stop and was near waking up Tony the way she was holding him!
Once she got tired of reading for the day, she put down her book. Only then did she realise she had lost track of where she was going. She closed her eyes as she didn't want to find out; all she could here now were noises. Footsteps-loud and quiet. Echoing. Hooting. As she came to her senses to open her eyes she heard a small meow.
Was this from Tony? Or just another creature? Cynthia heard the bush by her rustle, she let out a huge scream. Tony was extremely tired but not deaf, he woke up and Cynthia took him out of the carrier and held him. He was squirming around, but Cynthia kept her grip.
A rather large black cat with a crown on his head came out from the bush. The crown was solid gold with a ruby gem, a diamond gem, an amber gem, an emerald gem and a sapphire gem. Cynthia kept quiet, but had the real urge to speak.
"Keep it down! Pushka's sleeping!" He said, in a very low adult voice.
"Pushka? Oh please tell me I'm dreaming!" Cyntia cried.
"She's my loyal side-kick, she's my mother. Oh and who's this?" The cat asked, ignoring Cynthia's previous question, looking at Tony.
"This is Tony," Cynthia said. Tony jumped from Cynthia's grasp and plunged into the bush.
"No! Tony wait, come back!" Cynthia screeched, nearly in tears, she was about to run after him. But the cat stood in her way.
"Don't worry young one. Oh, sorry, I didn't introduce myself, I am Dalas. Well King Dalas. Did you see the crown? Tony will be absolutely fine, he'll be with Pushka, Yasmina, Gibby, Sylvester, Tupa, Gupa and Leo. Yasmina is fantastic with kittens!" King Dalas explained.
"But Tony's a cat! What's going on?" Cynthia asked, getting extremely angry with King Dalas.
"I'll explain some more, would you like to join me with a walk?" King Dalas asked.
Cynthia didn't usually have a short-temper but she began to get really worried about Tony. Why should she take a walk with a cat with a crown? 'He could kill me! Or could he take me to Tony? He said he's King Dalas, King of what?' Thoughts buzzed around her head, King Dalas was waiting for an answer, patiently.
"Will you help me find Tony?" Cynthia questioned, forgetting that she was talking to a cat, but wanting to find Tony.
"I'll tell you everything," King Dalas said. Cynthia didn't know to trust him, but what else could she do? Go home, how? Call the police? Were there even police?
"OK, fine," Cynthia sighed, knowing she would regret this. King Dalas smiled and lead Cynthia in the other direction.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I am not sure what type of style this is.... You're writing in a very blatant fashion at the beginning, like a child, saying Cynthia this, Cynthia that with short cut sentences and her name in too many places. If this style was purposeful i don't think it works in the situation. Styles like this emphasis drama and reading a book is not very dramatic.
I also think you have too many paragraphs. when we read a book we would strangle ourselves if we saw all those gaps. A reader likes flow and though wall-texts are sometimes off putting this is much of the opposite. Readers like some sort of anchor to show they are reading a connected piece rather than many little snippets.
Hi there. Winter here, as requested.
Sorry for the slight delay.
Now then... shall we?
Show, don't tell. To show that she was a bookworm, well... refer to my example and learn from it.
There. Better, no? Adding details adds depth, so there. See the difference?
Same mistake as the first. Show. Don't. Tell. And also, you've mentioned her name before, so how about you go like this...
See? And also...
Forgive me, but I hate, no, LOATHE this line. I'm sorry. Why? One: you're using a stereotype - "girly-girl". Your imagination is there for a reason so please, create a character that isn't cliche, won't you? The thing with heavy metal bands is also driving me a bit nutty. It's another stereotype, you know - sweet but wild? Oh, pff. Describe it in a more detailed way, but a subtly detailed one, not a directly detailed one. Give hints, not blocks and blocks of imagery and description. It's a complete snorefest. I don't even think the following sentences after the book part is even necessary. It's a waste of breath and time, really. What does this have to do with a missing cat. So omit that, and let's move on.
Holy schnitzel.
Voila. :]
I edited this in prior for you. Self-explanatory.
"Just then, Tony, her cat, came strolling in, nose high in the air, moving lazily as always. It sat down near the edge of her bed and yawned. Cynthia giggled. She excused the little animal for feeling sleepy at this time, because he probably got tired while chasing that bird around the garden all morning. It seems that his efforts had paid off, though, for there were evidences of tiny feathers stuck in his teeth, meaning that he was successful in gobbling it up. Hard work, eh?"
I'm ending up editing the entire piece for you. I'll do so in the next parts, so just compare and contrast with the original, and see what you lacked. Comments and suggestions at the end of the review.
All in all, this was very boring. Nothing to grip me into it and hold me into the story. Instead, I was distracted most grievously by the multitude of stiffness and stereotypical cliche. You use a lot of hyphens where it is not necessary. Try to avoid that. Your dialogue is most stiff and flat. Watch more movies and work that imagination. It will help. You included in here some utmost unnecessary description and action while trying to get into the story that 'children's storybook' effect of narration, which, by far, did not work for me, and even put me off. Just write naturally and don't force yourself to change styles. Don't ADOPT a style. ADAPT one to your needs.
Also, there was not so much to see, not anything new, not anything bright and colourful. Try to be a bit more imaginative next time. Think out of the box. Explore worlds. :3
Again, compare the edited one to the original so you'll see what you need to work on!
See you around!
~Winter
Sweetie, don't worry. :}
I really enjoyed your edits. A few things that confused me now made sense. It was a lot clearer.
You did a great clean-up of this. It's much clearer.
And, also, remember--this is still your first post! It's pretty good for a first post, I must say. Good job. :}
If you ever want me to critique anything else of yours, or if you have questions, or comments, or anything else, feel free to PM me. I don't bite. ;P
Love & Blessings,
Aushy
thats good im glad..i really do enjoy your idea!! its a great one
I have changed alot of things now, but still, it's not perfect. It's my first post so I'm not used to any of these things.
Cute idea about the cats but if you changed the beginning or idea in the beginning i should say would really get the reader intrested, instread of having her seem them jump out of a bush.
ok since your talking in the third person you can still be more descriptive of her surroundings so the reader feel there still in touch with your story.ok well here is the advice i can give you.
1. For the introduction its very plain. Make sure it catches the reader's attention.
2. Describe your characters looks and feelings (five senses. smell, see etc.)
3. For this part.
4. dont forget some parts for real life!! as in she never freaked our or was stunned at the fact that cats were talking to her.
I honestly think you have a wonderful story going for you keep up the good work!
Hay, I'm Aushy, and I shall be critiquing your story today. :}
That was fast. We've been reading for nine seconds, and there's nothing really mysterious. Nothing really keeping us hooked, or reading, for that matter.
Impatient.
Capitalize the 's' in she. Comma after bus. (That kind of confuses me, though. If Mom's so busy, how come she has time to come, knock on your door, and have a conversation?)
Capitalize the 'w' in 'Which'. Captalize 'M' in 'Ma'. (Is she Ma or Mum?)
Hopeful only has one 'l,' dear. ;}
When using it in story, either choose to use Cynthy or Cynthia. It can change in dialouge, but not in the actual story.
I also don't really like how quickly her mother gave in. If her mother was in a bad mood, she'd be more likely to argue, right? Keep in mind real-life while writing.
Woah, wait. What?
This entire part was very confusing. First off, wasn't Tony in his carrier cage? And what about her walking and reading? And when Tony runs into the bush, why doesn't she go after him? And if you met a huge, black cat and it said, 'Walk with me,' would you actually go or be like, 'Um, what's happening?'
Overall Evaluations:
Strong Points- You're very strong about keeping settings the same. For example, in the beginning you said you were almost done with the book, and then at the end you said you had ten pages left of the book.
Weak Points- You leave out description a bit too much. Your work can use some cleaning up. You keep on forgetting that stories need to be so realistic that you feel like you're in them. Don't worry, I had that problem too not too long ago. We all did.
I think if you spend sometime cleaning this story up and really thinking, If this were me, and if this were my real life, how would I react?you could have a great story. Look over your grammar a little more, clean up a few sentences here and there. If you worked really hard on this piece, it could get very good.
Keep on writing, and PM me if you ever need any help!
Love & Blessings,
Aushy