It's trembling.
~
You can see it, fluttering
weak against the wind.
~
It's dying.
You know it, as it flickers
and bounces helplessly.
~
It's hopeless.
But that doesn't stop the pain,
Caressing the branch of its birth.
~
Then,
angels' breath
a gust of hope
and...
~
release.
~
A forgotten angel, it falls,
Gravity calls
As it sings through the air.
Life lost in a sigh
~
Brown paper dancing by
It kisses the earth.
Lost in its tender embrace,
Crumpled in its cold comfort
Wretched in its beauty.
Slowly,
Sinking
Sinking in to the cold arms
Bursting into a shattered confetti
Collapsing into forgotten shrapnel
Fading...
~
A small brown leaf,
Falls from a tree,
Life lost, in a sigh.
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125,177 Literary Works • 672,930 Reviews
Fantasydragon01 in the house!!!!!!
I like your poem. It is simple, yet full of meaning. It was very well-written. It is very different from the other poems I read. Do you happen to know what kind of poetry this is? I know that there are some types of poetry.
I found one punctuation error. "angels breath" should be "angels' breath" You need to add that apostrophe.
Anyway, not bad.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01
Hey, thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot, and yeah, that apostrophe escaped me. Thanks again!
Arathorth
I love it, very simple but passionate. It is sad that it is dying, but I understand that this is your viewing on the situation. I like the part about the forgotten angel, it sounds mysterious. I like how it is ominous and emotional. The last eight lines are interesting, and give you a more clear description of what's happening. I love how it ends life lost, in a sigh.
I hope that you keep writing!
Your poem ROCKS!
Thanks for the kind words!
I actually wrote this a long time ago and it's so nice to hear that people enjoy it. Thanks again!
Arathorth
Hey Arathorth,
This is absolutely beautiful. It's amazing that you can find so much symbolism and beauty in something so simple. I especially liked that you withheld what you were actually writing about until the very end. It gives this piece a sense of mystery, suspense, and an otherworldly quality.
This leads me into my first and only point. The imagery in this poem is very, very vivid and ethereal. The one line that didn't seem to fit with the rest was "Bursting into a shattered confetti". The connotation of confetti is one of parties and joy. This line provides wonderful imagery, but the tone does not feel consistent with the rest of the poem. I feel like "confetti" should be replaced by a different word. A few suggestions: shrapnel, pieces, debris, wreckage, fragments, ruins. I know these don't fit very well, but I thought they might be able to help you a little. This is your poem, so changing it is completely up to you, but this was just my opinion. That was the only part that even felt vaguely uncomfortable to me, and I didn't find any mistakes so this is a really short review. I just wanted you to know how beautiful and artistic I thought this poem was. You really have a gift.
~Joy
Thanks very much for your review!
I get what you say about 'confetti'. I suppose I was going for contrat in the imagery and the context of the word, but I'll think of a replacement. Shrapnel is a an excellent suggestion!
Thanks again!
Arathorth