It's trembling.
~
Quivering, and vibrating,
An aria of waves against the still air.
~
This is not the end.
The is the release of something beautiful
~
Like a violin string
it's nocked sharply
a cold angle, yet soft,
blur of string onto shards.
~
There is no question.
It points only forward,
no thought, dream for what is left behind.
~
This is not the end.
This is the release of something...
~
The tension is alive,
The passion behind it soars,
Silver wire, black point, poised
and you know,
That this instant,
here,
now,
alive -
~
Release.
~
Like a hawk, through silvered air
It races the greyhounds of the winds
Like an engine, it quivers in flight
And buzzes, a bee, angled and tense.
~
This is thought-out, considered,
yet a riotous act of spontaneity in a prisoned world.
~
This is a release like no other,
One of freedom,
of beautiful,
soaring, perfect
Exemption.
Unrestraint.
~
An arrow flies, from a bow.
This is not the end.
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140,511 Literary Works • 673,275 Reviews
Hello!
"Shards" always sounds cliche to me, especially when it's these vague shards... like, shards of what? I don't think you need that dramatic of a word either. I love subtle poems.Obviously you like archery, hey? Me too.
I thought this was a really nice poem. It captured the beauty of firing an arrow, and I actually think it was pretty accurate in places.
I think it was a little long for what it was, though. And there were some cliche spots. However, I think if you just deleted the cliches, it would be the perfect length, and that works out perfectly!
I'm going to point out the lines that I think are cliches, and you can agree with me or not.
I think "dream" is another one of those "sounds cliche almost always." But not only that, but I think this whole stanza could be summed up in just the second line. I think that's pretty straightforward (no pun intended) and gets the point (again, no pun intended) across nicely, ja?
I find one of the best things you can do while editing is to delete ALL of the words that are unneeded. I get repetition for repetition's sake. I like how you repeat "this is not the end" but over explaining easily understood points such as this one... well, it's nice to let the reader interpret it themselves, and feel smart when it makes sense. It also gives them a shorter poem, and shorter poems, I've found, seem to attract more attention and make more of an impact. c:
Does that make sense? Extra words bore the reader, generally. Sometimes I even abandon grammar just to lessen the words.
(For example, I wrote "my cramps clamps they hold towers high" in one of my poems. The gist of it is "My cramps are clamps that are holding the tall towers up" but That was a lot of words and kind of disrupted my flow. The end result ends up rather disjointed and a little hard to read if you really stare at it, but what that's what I was trying to do with that poem, so. I'm not saying you have to, or should, do this by any means. It's just an idea.)
I'm really not a fan of ellipses. They always leave me wondering about what the author was going to say, but they trail off? I dunno. That's probably a personal taste.
I think "passion" is another of those cliche words. These one-shot cliche words usually end up being over-emotional or vague or both.
Nothing wrong with this, I just really like it. ^^
But the thing with the engines after it I didn't like as much. you gave us this really natural picture and then the engines sort of felt out of place. Also, I didn't understand the simile that well?
I think I understand what you're trying to say, but it feels vague, and it also feels rather unimportant and anti-climactic after that delicious last stanza.
I'm unsure what "exemption" has to do with anything here?
I think the end was stating the obvious. I think it would be nice to leave it a little more subtle and have the readers guess at what it is. I knew it was about arrows just by the title (weird huh?) but by then end (I mean, the "not end"), I think it's fairly obvious.
I like your repeated theme of "this is not the end," but I'm unsure as to what that means. What happens after, if it's not the end?
It was a very enjoyable read. I'm glad you posted it. I love reading about archery, and your word choice was very nice as well.
Keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions!
Hello there Arathorth! CelticThunder1438 here to review some of your work!
First off- I have to say I really enjoyed this because I have always had an interest in hunting with a bow and arrow but could never afford it :/ One day I will have my own bow!
I loved the way you wrote this, its was unique and very well written. Keep it up!
~CelticThunder1438 a.k.a. Selina
It was very ominous. I like how you used punctuation and your grammar was excellent. This poem was interesting because it gave me an old fashion hunting feel. "This is not the end." In my opinion it would be the end unless the character moved out of the way suddenly. Try to make your stanza's longer in some areas. If you lengthen your stanza's then you can give more depth into your poem.
Keep writing!