it was her smile that did it.
relinquished the joy
unlocked the gates
and the flood began
dousing in elation
swept away the sorrow
it was her smile that saved me.
~
beep. beep. beep.
it's funny how long a second is
how it draws out
holds its breath
and waits, silently
waits
~
no. it was her hair that did it.
how it effervesced
and danced in the sunlight
lifting me
singing me to the heavens
angel's breath on snowy wings
it was her hair that stopped the pain.
~
a second is nothing to how
time froze like icicles
how the whole world sighed
and the colours drifted
sunk away to be replaced
with the wholesome
consuming power of
nothingness
~
no. it was her words that did it.
what she said that day
how she whispered, the air
but a current for her words
the sun but a spotlight
to sparkle in her eyes
how she stepped back
how she smiled
how her hair danced
how she said those three words...
~
how she hit the tarmac and
how her eyes closed
and how she became nothing
~
a second is nothing
the stars are nothing
nothing, not the fiery plumes
of atoms colliding
locked in a chaotic dance
a frozen explosion
a dazzling burst of light
shattered shards of heaven
not blinking in the moonlight
not for dreams to be wished upon
not songs in the dark
not anything but harsh dots
~
like the dots that swim in my vision
as I press my hands to them
and scream
~
beep. beep. beep.
they say life support is but an echo
a tick-tock timer to the dead.
~
it was her smile that did it.
saved me.
killed her.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Hello, Arathorth!
I partially saw the twist coming. Well, I guess you could call it a "twist." Either way, this was I really lovely yet emotional poem. I feel like it kind of conveys the message of holding things dear, and telling the people you love that you truly do love them. It's truly sad that people resort to this as I way to "escape" pain. I love how you built this up and then demolished it part by part, it really hits the reader in the end.
The only problem I had with the piece was the fact everything was lower-cased. However, this is poetry, and every poet has their own writing style and poems are not limited to some of the grammatical errors, punctuation, and etc. that follow under your average writing, so that was simply a choice and does not need to be fixed.
You did a great job on this, and you deserve every star you've earned! ~Prez. T
Oh my goodness this was so sad and sweet and EMOTIONAL!
Kat here to review
I agree with everyone else that this was phenonimal and it really pulls at your heart strings. I didn't cry, but I felt really empty inside at the end, like there were so many moments they'd never share and things they'd never say . I can't even imagine what it would be like to expirence this and I hope I never do.It reminded me of the song "Last Kiss" by Peral Jam (always makes me cry !) .
My favorite part was the part about nothingness, how everything fades and everything else just keeps moving and when it's nothing it's nothing .
Why did her smile kill her though? Maybe i'm missing it ...
So tragic, so lovely ...
~Kat
Hey!
Thanks so much for the review and the kind words. I guess the whole smile metaphor was to contrast with the terror of the events and it was really the was she was distracted by her love was how she got hit by the car in the first place. Hope that makes sense, and thanks again!
- Arathorth
I have nothing to say except wow. This was beautifully written. It flowed perfectly and was really meaningful. Please write more!
Wow, thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Have a good day!
- Arathorth
Well, may I review/comment on this? I agree with the others--stunning. I could learn a lot from you about writing, and how to write about emotion. Your work was very compelling and honestly I could barely take my eyes off long enough to scroll down the page. XD I love, love, love, the ending, but I think you could add a little more emotion to it. Normally you'd want to use emotion mainly in the beginning and end, rather than only beginning and middle. That'd really be the only critique, though. However, I also understand that simple ending, and I love that. So I guess my advice is to combine the two and come up with something even more spectacular. I'm not exactly sure how you're going to do that, but if you love emotion as much as you say you do, I believe you can do it. Go for it, and keep writing, because that was amazing.
Cynder out~
Hey!
Thanks very much for the review. I agree with your comments, I guess the bursts of emotion in between the rest was to portray how grief takes you at any moment but yeah - I'm new here so your comments are a really great help. Thanks again!
- Arathorth
"Our love broke my heart - and stopped yours." - Lemony Snicket
this was absolutely beautiful.
so, so vivid and heartbreaking.
the only thing wrong is this:
"not for dreams to wished upon"
should be:
"not for dreams to be wished upon"
that's it.
i feel shattered by the story behind this.
but in the best way possible.
i love it. amazing job.
Thanks very much for the kind words! I love the quote, didn't realise the similarities. Also, thanks so much for pointing out that error, it completely slipped through my checks. Thanks again!
- Arathorth
no problem! and i thought you might like the quote :3 have a good one!
Stunning.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! %uD83D%uDE03
I really love this poem. I loved the syntax that you used with alternating between the beauty of the woman and the critical moment. This is a fun poem to dissect, and I think there is a sense of wonder to it: Did the author experience a loss like this? Is this a metaphorical death?
It is beautifully written, the imagery and figurative language used is just off the charts.
Love!
Hey, thank you so much, it really means a lot! I don't speak from personal experience thankfully, but I find sadness and grief fascinating emotions, and I guess I draw from times I have felt like this. The idea for the poem hit me completely out of the blue, so I combined the emotions and premise to create the poem. Thanks again!
- Arathorth
Wauw. That was very sad and touching, but so beautifull. I really loved it.
Thank you so much for the kind words, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
- Arathorth
Oh my god.
I would review this, but there's simply nothing to critique.
This is amazing, beautiful, glorious, perfect, marvelous.
You've created quite a piece here. I love it - I love every stanza and line. There's two stories in one here - the italicized and the regular - but they still intertwine. Gosh, this was just amazing. Please write more!
Wow, thank you so much for the kind words. I really enjoyed writing this, so I'm glad it shows. Thanks again!!
-Arathorth