And that’s when the stars said:
hush now, you’re not alone,
and all the darkness lifted
Through blankets, worn, silvered skies,
a treasure, duly gifted
You’ve yet to find,
turgid sleep
push past your silence, rifted
twilight world, sink lower now,
whilst in your dreams…
-
And that’s when the stars stopped
they grate, clockwork sphere
break down, slow, cast away your motion
grating stop.
stop.
-
Perhaps you are alone.
Perhaps.
-
And that’s when the stars turn once more,
and that’s when you are not alone.
Clock chime, effervescent motion
tick tock slumber.
-
The moon is warmer together.
And the stars sing:
You’ve yet to find
turgid sleep
push past your silence, rifted
midnight world, sink lower now
whilst in your dreams…
a view, slightly shifted.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hi Arathorth, Felistia here with a short review.
Nice imagery and I like the concept. I love that the stars can speak in your poem and the different ways you describe the night. I think that the punctuation in your poems is perfect, but then I might be wrong. I am not good when it comes to punctuation in poems. I like the ending even though it is short and the whole poem is just relaxing. Well done and I hope to see more of your works. Have a great day\night.
Hey Arathorth this is an amazing poem! It's so sweet and I love the way you make everything flow so well.
I know you aren't really supposed to start a sentence with "and" but I thought in this case this was good- it draws the reader in and I've noticed you repeat the word "and" many times throughout the poem.
"hush now, you’re not alone,
and all the darkness lifted
Through blankets, worn, silvered skies,
a treasure, duly gifted"
I love this opening! The voice you give the stars is so angelic. I think the way you describe the darkness being lifted is good as it sort of reminds me of removing a blanket which you then refer to in the line afterwards. Silver skies fitted nicely with treasure and the silver emphasized the presence of the stars in the sky further.
The one thing I thought could have been changed is the "turgid sleep" part- the word "turgid" doesn't seem to fit with the language used in this section and I wouldn't usually associate sleeping with turgidity.
The middle section worked well as you kept returning to the theme of the stars moving like a clock and I loved the layout! The whole poem was structured very effectively especially where you isolate sentences that are about isolation.
When you say the moon is warmer together who do you mean? Do you mean the moon is warmer with the stars or the sky or even the reader?
The ending was very well written in my opinion- it was short but offered many meanings. This view could perhaps be the dream or the view of the sky, the view of darkness, etc.
Overall I thought this was very impressive especially how the structure works so well and that you never lose focus on the main theme. I would love to read any other poems like this as this is amazing!
Hey, thanks so much for this review, it means a lot.
I suppose the line about the moon being warmer together is basically explaining how not feeling alone makes everything better - the poem is like a comforting lullaby but it falters and it questions whether the reader is alone. By resolving and assuring you that no one is alone it attempts to show how the world is a nicer place when you feel like you belong.
Or something like that, hell I hardly know myself. xD Thanks again for the input, I'm glad you liked it!