Tempestuous
He roars, leaping
through the mere earth
carving through green slashes
of surrendering forest.
~
Flash flood.
furiously tumbling
leaping down age-old
crumbling rock.
~
The River God snarls,
and white wisps of breath
surge forward to join the assault
Tearing over the riverbanks.
~
The sky rumbles – greet the flood.
and with a sigh
over swathes of green
the heavens cry
mists descend to grey.
~
Then, the River God pauses.
With a slight shrug, He
closes his eyes.
~
The tumbling acrobats roll and delve
deeper, plunging – and smooth
wire-like water cuts
descends and breaks,
collapsing into a mirror
shatters meld and the wisps rise
once more.
~
Sunrise, and the River God sleeps.
~
Millpond.
Sifting sleepily through shattered
earth
thin curls dance lazily
the thunder has gone
Silence takes the river.
~
Curtained echelons of warm light
begin a feather-fall through
drenched, heavy air.
and through slight ripples
life meanders into the deep water.
~
Sunrise, and the River God sleeps.
~
Then, without warning
an ominous rumble.
~
The River God opens an eye.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Wow that was incredible! I love love LOVE it, I wish you'd written a whole book of this it's such lovely to read. Structurally it's really great, each verse is the perfect length and evokes such brilliant images. It has a real pattern to it that made it flow really nicely so you should definitely try and keep that up because the flow of a poem is so important and at times really hard to get right. I kept my favourite bit till last though, your imagery, as the first reviewer said it's breathtaking! I was able to perfectly imagine the River God within the first few seconds of reading just because it was so powerful and provocative, you really created a whole world within your poem!
BOOM *appears in a rush of smoke*
I am here to review.
First of all, I freaking love your imagery. It's superb. It's breathtaking. It's so alive I could reach out and touch it, like a mirage that's there and not there at the same time. The timing of each stanza is a bit fragmented, true, but in truth that's as much a part of the piece as the River God is. It adds character. I can barely even speak, I love it so much. I keep going back and re-reading it as I'm writing this and every time I finish it I want to write again how much I love it. But I hate to be that person who gives absolutely no construction in a review, so here goes. Let's see what I can nitpick.
"The, the River God pauses."
Yeah okay, that's a typo and an easy fix. I'm just having a hard time picking out mistakes because there are so few and what few there are seem so minor.
"Then, without warning/an ominous rumble."
There's no verb in that stanza- it's a fragment sentence. It may be a stylistic choice, but I just feel like it doesn't add anything to the piece. I understand this stanza is supposed to be short and abrupt in order to convey the mercurial nature of the River God, how it can suddenly change. But the lack of a verb makes this bit seem weak because there's no action in it. You might want to consider re-working that stanza into a complete, independent thought with both the subject and verb clauses. There are other places like this in there too, and I would suggest doing the same for all of those. I'm just using this particular section as an example.
"Sunrise, and the River God sleeps."
Sunrise? Oh. That's new. I wasn't aware that it was nighttime in the first place. You might wanna do something about that. Continuity errors are just the worst.
Last nitpick before I go on another 'I love it so much I can barely breath' rant:
'Tenacious' does not seem like the right word to start this poem off with, considering the mood and emotion you start it off with. It implies that the river is stubborn and refuses to let go of something, when reality it is doing the opposite- it's running along and letting its hair down, going on a 100% free spree. Try something with a bit more ferociousness in it. Like ferocious. Or tempestuous, or savage, or wrath. I think you should find someplace to put the word wrath in there. I love the word wrath: it's so wrathful, don't you think? And it has a place in a poem like this.
Okay now I'm done nitpicking. Yay! I can go off on how much I like this. I'm gonna read it again for maximum effect.
*Reads*
Your first stanza is one of my faves. It catches the eye and tells you exactly what is happening, without coming out and saying it in a clumsy or explicit way. Besides the word 'tenacious', it's a perfect precursor for this poem. Also, your finale is so powerful. It wraps it up so nicely by tying it right back to the beginning, and it's like you could read this poem in a circle infinite times, because the end is the beginning, and the beginning is the end. If every poem in history ended this way I might like poetry a lot more. I could go back and cite all of my favorite imagery as well, because there's just so much of it, but I've probably already surpassed the 125 word count. Also, my fingers ache and I need to pee. Thus, I shall bid you adieu, hoping this review has been helpful and warming.
(I freaking love your poem)
Dammit, ladcat, we're done. Stop ranting.
(Still freaking love it)
BOOM *disappears in a rush of smoke before she can make a bigger fool out of herself*