Young Writers Society

Why do you do this to me?

Maybe you should just sit down for a week and get this story done with because the delay is too much to handle.

Roman One was sensual and nice. The enjambment of the scenes that played out or more the transition from the family sitting on the porch to the walks to the market is almost casually handled. It did affect me in the sense that it was more like watching a movie because the editing is done by skipping out the memory slides or cutting the film since I’m taking movies for example.

It didn’t have that word built up transition, you know, something like gradually leading up to the scene and to be honest, I kind of like it. I like how this progresses, I feel like the narrator is telling me, ‘look, this is what is important. Wind and trees remind me of my family and jackets and tea and the stairs. Holding my mother’s hand reminds me of how she always stays behind. Where in which, the ‘behind’ hinting at the illness. I like your subtlety. (Maybe you need to revive something. )

And your subtleness always surprises me because you have this habit of not dramatising things that people would normally expect you to but then you put your heart out on things that could settle with subtleness. I think that’s what makes you you and your work from others.

Roman Two was too personal. I try to not to be too biased when it comes to reviews. I don’t want to appreciate it solely because of what’s happening in my life but then again I don’t want to scrutinise it simply for the sake of the review. I think it is what it is. And I felt vulnerable reading Roman Two; I think that’s a good thing to you, the writer.

I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful. I don’t know why I review anymore. Do opinions qualify as reviews? I don’t know.

Cheers!

I thought this was an excellent piece!
I don't know exactly how to review, but I liked this a lot and hope I say something helpful.
I love the section about zipping up their jackets and how you don't want them to be cold either, I thought that was a cool role switch--like you were parenting your own parents.
However, "we muse about a future as perceptible as the boundaries blurring in the horizon." didn't make a whole lot of sense. Do you mean that the horizon is blurring, so the future is blurry too? Or are the boundaries referring to something else? You might want to clarify.
Also, this part was amazing to read, but needs some rephrasing in terms of tense.
"When had my fingers started meeting more bone than solid flesh? When had the circles crept under her eyes, or age inscribed its mark in the slight bend of her spine?"
It was a really good way, though, to show that she is getting older.
The ending of that part was incredible and very nicely done!

The second one was also impressive, and I like the list of things you associate with "name redacted". I did feel like the switch from coffee sourced from god knows where to "it's over" was a bit sudden. You might want to add in something about your actual relationship and/or the nature of its end so that "it's over" doesn't seem so out-of-nowhere (unless that's the feeling you really want).
You might want to change your line from "it's impossible" to "that's impossible" to make it clearer.
The paragraph after that is fantastic and poetic, and absolutely my favorite part.
The penultimate paragraph is also one of my favorites. I love the imagery of streetlights leading to your heart (hopefully I interpreted that ok).
All in all I think you did a great job. I know I didn't make that many corrections, but I hope I still helped. A few grammar mistakes but a read-over could fix those; another reviewer pointed some out. I really think you have a beautiful style!

You have many comma splices and fragment sentences.

Your first two sentences are both independent clauses. Don't connect the two with a comma. That creates the comma splice.

"I look at my parents in twilight, their profiles silhouetted against the pastel sky."
To fix this: add a conjunction word (and), or simply remove comma, and add semi-colon or period.

"I want to say, ‘zip up yours too. Don’t be cold’ But the words are lodged in my cords."
Here it is better to use the double inverted commas when indicating speech, or dialogue. And of course don't forget your punctuation after the dialogue contained within the brackets. in your case a period before 'but.

The rest of are recurring problems that you can quickly spot yourself. You don't seem to have a problem with comma placements and so forth, so i believe they just went by unnoticed.

"At night, when the shouting have died down"
Here the verb 'have' is incorrectly placed. Use has, since has belongs to singular. he has, she has. the shouting has. 'Have' for plural. They have. The cars 'have,' and so forth.

Otherwise, all in all. nice piece. Nice combination of words. Keep it up, and hope to have helped.