​An authentic Chinese guide on how to be Chinese

Welcome everyone, sit down. Oh wait, no, don’t actually sit down. You have to at least refuse three times, otherwise you will be considered an ill mannered peasant in this household. Take off your shoes too, now make yourself comfortable.

I’ll walk you through what it takes to be authentically Chinese.

These are the basic requirements, if you don’t have them I’m afraid you’re already on the fast-track lane to being a failure. Black hair is a must, don’t dye it with brown streaks or blonde streaks or whatever streaks. No body piercings, no tattoos before you’re 18. Don’t date before you’re 18 either, don’t do anything besides studying before 18.

Are you wearing glasses? No. That must be because you didn’t study enough, go study some more. Come back when you have glasses.

Now that we’ve set your physical appearance. Let’s move onto background and future expectations. Let’s kick off with the billion-dollar question, ‘who do you want to be when you’re grown up?’ If your answer isn’t a doctor, or a lawyer, or an engineer. I’m sorry to say that your parents are probably not very Chinese, do you know at least one instrument? Piano, violin, flute? Hopefully, you have passed grade 8 in one of them, two is expected. Can you write calligraphy, no? Wow, you must be raised in a barn. Tsk tsk, your parents must be some uncultured peasant.

Speaking of peasants, maybe you’re also one of those peasants that like to migrant to other countries and then look back at your own countries and call it peasants. Are you turning up your nose at those loud tourists clustered in front of tourists site, talking in loud Mandarin and cussing about how stupid they are. Or maybe, you’re turning over a pair of Calvin Klein jeans, rubbing the material between your fingers disapprovingly before throwing it away. The ‘Made in China’ sign piled on top of other ‘Made in China’ signs.

If so, then congrats. You’re already half way there to being an authentic Chinese. If you’re reading this and you’re thinking to yourself, what is she talking about this is a crap load of horseshit. You mustn’t show it your face, you must wear a polite smile worthy of an air hostess. A polite facade will save your life in the most precarious situations.

On top of a polite facade, you must master the ability to suck up to the right people. It will take you places, I mean just look at the generation of political leaders ever wonder how they got to be where they were? The best way to get a good result, isn’t to bury yourself in a mountain of books but get on your teacher’s good side. You even seen a Chinese kid scolded by a teacher?

There is something else you must know. You must know how to cook the same fish in at least ten different ways. And most importantly of all, you must know how to peel an apple without its skin failing.

If you can master all of them above. I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart, you only need to live in China and breathe in some top quality smog. 

Yours sincerely. 

Your host. 

[Disclaimer: This is intended to be a tongue-in-cheek essay. If no one caught the drift of it.]