z

Young Writers Society



One Hundred Lives to Live

by Angrynoodles


Just a quick note, this is a prequel to my other book One Hundred Deaths to Die, which is currently being sent to publishers. That book follows Jonah Dagger as he fights against the antagonist of that book, Hamato Yasaki. This book goes back and show his motives as he is the main character and Jonah is the antagonist. 

His sleeve had absorbed too many of his tears to accept any more. Looking up, he could see that his sister across the room, tears dripping off her chin. He turned back to his mother, who smiled a familiar wide grin. She reached out her hand to her son, who took it.

“Why are you crying?” she asked, wiping his tears away. “If anyone should be shedding tears it should be me.”

“We don’t have the money for this. How are you going to get treatment?” he spoke with an angry tone.

“This just isn’t fair,” his sister said.

The door opened as the doctor stepped back into the room. The family turned to face him as he glanced down at his clipboard. He nodded and grunted before looking back up.

“Not to worry. Your mother will be just fine,” he informed. “If we start treatment now, we should be able to slow the tumor and surgically remove it. I would like to perform just a few more test if that’s okay. We will be moving you to another room, Ms. Yasaki. You will also be spending the night here.”

The son turned back to his mother, who nodded and began to rise from her bed. Her son helped to the door but she persisted that she was able to move on her own.

“Hamato,” she told him. “I can move on my own. How about you and your sister go back home. You have school tomorrow.”

His sister rose from her chair and placed her hand on his shoulder. “come one, Mom’s right.”

“Don’t worry,” the doctor reassured. “We’ll take great care of her. Right this way, Ma’am.”

With that, Hamato’s mother followed the doctor from the room and headed down the hall. He turned back to his sister, who was gathering her belongings. She placed them in her purse and ushered her brother through the door. Hamato glanced down the hall to see his mother but was cut short when his sister pushed him ahead.

“Come on. You heard the man. She’ll be fine,” his sister told him.

They headed through the corridors and down the elevator to the lobby, where the exited through the main entrance. The summer air was warm. The had nearly set and the street lamps were beginning to turn on. They walked to their car where he got into the passenger’s seat and his sister took the driver’s.

The car rumbled out of the parking lot and down the city streets. The ride was silent, except from the muffled noises from outside the doors. Soon they turned a corner and pulled into the familiar dirty parking garage. His sister drove the vehicle to a stop and extracted the keys.

“I’ll make dinner,” she told him as they exited the car.

“I’m really not that hungry.”

“It’ll make you feel better.”

They climbed the stairs all the way to the fifth floor of the apartment complex. Making their way down the hall, they stopped in front of a door labeled “YASAKI”. Hamato entered, walking over to the couch. His sister watched him slump onto the cushions and she made her way to the kitchen and began opening cabinets.

“Damn it. This just isn’t fair,” he said. “First Dad leaves us-”

“Mom and Dad divorced. He didn’t run away or anything,” his sister interrupted.

“Well he obviously doesn’t care about us. We haven’t heard from him since. It’s been like thirteen years. I was four at the time.”

“Yeah, I was nine.”

“Then Mom had to jump from job to job in order to support us. She had to work two jobs for a couple of years. With the money she is currently making, we can’t pay for cancer treatment. We can barely afford to live in this trash can.”

“Hey, calm down. We’ll think of something. I’ll just go and get a job. I can take some time off of college.”

“You can’t leave college.”

“Well,” his sister yelled, slamming her hand on the counter. “What the hell are we supposed to do?”

Hamato could now see how concerned she was. Tears began to build at the bottom of her eyes. “We don’t have any money. We have rent and food to pay for. The car needs to be repaired. My student loans are adding up. Now this. I really don’t know how were going to make it.”

Her brother got up and made his way towards her. He pulled her in close and hugged her.

“You’ll find a way. You always do,” he told her.

She smiled and pulled away. He watched as she opened the refrigerator and peered inside. The shelves were scarce, littered with a few different containers and bottles.

“Well,” Hamato started. “We could always order a pizza.”

“We don’t have money for a pizza,” she laughed. “I guess we’ll be having eggs.”

He extracted a pan from a cabinet as his sister placed a carton of eggs on the counter. His sister watched him as he prepared the meal. She was shocked when she had seen him shed tears at the hospital. In fact, she had never witnessed him cry at any time prior. He was serious as he cracked the eggs and poured the yok onto the pan. He had always been so, but she did not seem to mind. She pushed four pieces of bread into the toaster and within a few minutes they both seated themselves at the table. They ate their eggs and toast and conversed about their day to come. Hamato rarely ate dinner with his sister but she seemed to be enjoying it. By the time he finished, it was late into the night. He rose from his seat and placed his plate in the sink.

“I’m going to head to bed. I’ve got school tomorrow,” he told his sister.

“Alright, goodnight. I’m going to stay up longer.”

He headed down the hall and turned into his room, where he pulled off his shirt and pants before sprawling onto his mattress. His vision dwindled as his eyes began to forcibly shut. He could barely stay awake after his face landed on his pillow, and within moments, he was unconscious.

His eyes widened to the screech of his alarm clock. It was the morning of Wednesday, September fourth. He slapped the clock several times before it silenced. With a groan, he rolled off his bed and made his way to the only bathroom his apartment contained. He peered at his reflections in the mirror for several moments. His black hair hung to the bottom of his dark brown eyes. He had an oval face and his skin was slightly tan, but only because his summer job had him working outside. He stepped back and enter his shower, where he cleansed himself.

He stumbled back into his room, where he pulled a set of clothes from his closet and dressed himself. Soon, he was in his kitchen, where he fixed himself a bowl of cereal. He scooped the flakes into his mouth and drank the remaining milk before placing the bowl in the sink. After packing his school bag, he slung it over his shoulder and left his house. The sun was already shining bright through the warm air. He rolled the sleeves of his black shirt up to his elbows as he made his way down the many flights of stairs to the ground below.

The bus stop was not far from the complex. He turned right once he reached the road and trekked along the sidewalk, pondering about his family’s situation. He considered getting a job but he did not know if he would be able to make enough money due to school taking up most of his time. As he approached the bus stop he saw the usual students sitting on the bench. Though there was enough room for him, he stood by himself. Closing his eyes, he thought more about the predicament the encased him.

Not before long, the bus arrived and he boarded. He chose an empty seat, sitting alone for the whole ride. He did not want his sister to quit college to help pay for their mother’s treatment, even if it was only for a semester. The doctor had informed them that it was only the first stage of cancer. However, he had also mentioned surgery, which Hamato knew would be expensive. The bus soon rolled to a stop and he stepped off and began making his way to the main entrance of Kennedy High School.

Making his way through the bustling crowds. The loud noises annoyed him even more than the students making them. The school year and many people were trying to recruit others into their clubs and friend groups. He pushed his way to his locker where he pulled out a text book.

“Hey, Hamato,” greeted a voice.

He turned without speaking to see a student standing before him. His appearance and upbeat attitude seemed to bug Hamato, who closed his locker and locked it.

“Have you considered joining the student council?” the student asked. “We’re looking for a more diverse demographic. Maybe you-”

“No,” Hamato answered as he pushed passed the student.

He ignored their next response and made his way to his first class, where he slumped into his chair and stared out the window. The students piled into the room and soon all the seats were taken. The opened his textbook and pulled out a pencil. Though he hated class, he knew that if ever wanted to change his life he needed grades that would get him into college. He listened to the agonizing lecture as the teacher droned on for nearly an hour.

Before he knew it, several classes had passed and he was heading to the cafeteria for lunch. He made his to the line where he stood among his peers. His face held onto its serious expression. He was vexed by the carelessness of his classmates, who would not understand with situation. After being handed his tray, he followed the line to pay for his food.

“Hamato Yasaki,” he told the woman at the desk.

“Yasaki,” the woman said as she typed it into the computer. “You are going to need to put more money into your account. As of right now, you owe for the past few lunches.”

He gritted his teeth, cursing in his thoughts. Nodding, he walked past her and made his way to the far wall, where he sat against the window. The view was not anything interesting. The window looked out onto the sports field, where students could be seen running along the track.

“Hi Hamato, can I sit here?” asked a familiar voice.

Not this person. Not now, he thought.

Without an answer, the student sat down. Hamato knew exactly who she was. April smiled at him with a wide grin. His straight face did not waver. She pulled her long brown hair back behind her. Her bright green eyes wander around her tray before they focus on her hamburger. She picked it up and began to eat it, taking small bites each time. Hamato looked down at his own food for a moment before starting his meal.

As he ate, April spoke to him about recent event in her life, however, he did not seem to care in the slightest. She mentioned the excessive amount of homework she had already been assigned and how she was unsure if she wanted to try out for the volleyball or the soccer team. Her dilemmas seemed to pale in comparison to his. He simply stared out the glass, watching his peers race around the field. Soon, he had finished his whole lunch and he turned back to April, who was still eating.

She always seemed to talk to him and hang around him even though he never paid much attention to her. He had no romantic interest in her and he could not tell if she did for him, but not many other reasons would explain why she always seemed to be around him. The bell ran not long after and he rose from his seat. April followed him to the trash can where he emptied his tray before placing it on the designated counter.

“Well, I’m off to my English class. I think I might change my schedule around. But schedule changes aren’t accepted after Friday, so I will need to hurry up and do that,” she told him before she turned down the opposing corridor.

Hamato gave and emotionless nod before heading his own way. His next class was science, where the teacher had his student taking notes on chemicals. Hamato nearly dozed off but was able to hang onto his unconsciousness until the bell set him free. He entered his last class of the day, which was history. The teacher spoke about the timeline of the United States and its involvement with other countries. By now, Hamato could barely keep his eyes open. The thought of going to college and providing for his family was the only motivation he had, but it was enough to keep him listening until the lesson ended.

He rose from his seat at the sound of the bell and slide his supplies into his backpack. Slinging it over his should, he left the class. The school day was now over and he made his way to his locker, where he fumbled with his lock. He placed a couple of textbooks inside before closing the door and following the crowds outside to the parked buses. After boarding his, he took and empty seat. The bumpy ride soon ended and he stepped off the vehicle. The sounds of the busy city were muffled by his thoughts as he trekked back to the apartment complex.

“Hey,” his sister greeted as Hamato stepped through the doorway.

The apartment was spotless, as if his sister had spent the day cleaning. Hamato tossed his backpack on the couch before making his way to the kitchen.

“Is Mom back?” he asked.

“No, not yet,” she answered. “I thought she would be back today so I cleaned up a bit. Are you going to your kickboxing class?”

Hamato, who was making a sandwich, looked up at his sister. His mind had been so busy that he had forgotten about his lessons. He had not paid for last month and now he needed money to pay for September as well.

“I need money to pay for this month and last month.”

“Well tell them your mom is sick and you will pay soon. It begins at five, right? Start your homework until it’s time to leave.”

“I know, you don’t have to tell me,” he told her as he walked into his room with a sandwich in hand.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Sun Oct 30, 2016 2:26 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Happy Review Day! :D

I think this is an interesting opening chapter. You did a nice job of adding detail and bringing the reader into the world. You also did a nice job starting immediately with the action and introducing the conflict (mom is dying) and stakes (no money no food, could die) right away. Since you prefaced this by saying that this novel is about the original antagonist's motivations and how he became who he is, I'm very intrigued about how this is all going to play out. I love when books can make the villain seem human and make the reader care about the villain and so far you're setting that up really nicely here. There's still a lot left to be said about how he's going to go from poor and his mother dying to something horrible, but you've planted a lot of interesting seeds in this chapter and I think you've introduced your MC well.

A few bigger picture notes.

I think you could establish the setting a bit more in the very beginning. You mention the doctors and the bed, but it took me several paragraphs to realize we're in a hospital. I think you could make where we are a bit more obvious in the beginning by showing the setting and describing the setting a little more explicitly. And this is true throughout as well. I think you do a nice job giving little details about setting to clue us in, but make sure we have the big picture as well.

I thought the dialogue as a whole was pretty good and felt natural (which can be very hard to do!) Two small notes on the dialogue. First, towards the beginning I thought you started to fall into the "as you know" telling trap. If you've not heard of this before, this is a method of telling through dialogue where one character tells the other character information that other character already knows as a method of telling the reader something. I thought you started to do that here:

“Damn it. This just isn’t fair,” he said. “First Dad leaves us-”

“Mom and Dad divorced. He didn’t run away or anything,” his sister interrupted.

“Well he obviously doesn’t care about us. We haven’t heard from him since. It’s been like thirteen years. I was four at the time.”

“Yeah, I was nine.”

“Then Mom had to jump from job to job in order to support us. She had to work two jobs for a couple of years. With the money she is currently making, we can’t pay for cancer treatment. We can barely afford to live in this trash can.”

And there may have been more than that, but I'm only going to highlight this example for now.

This is interesting information to have, but is it essential that the reader knows it right now. Will we still understand this first chapter if we don't have these pieces of information? I think so. I think these kinds of details, while interesting, are also fine to keep mysterious. If I don't know the full scope of the family situation, that's another reason for me to read on, so I can figure out exactly what the deal is. If you left it simply with "first dad leaves us" and don't give an explanation, I'm going to be left wondering what happened and why he left. That wondering will keep me reading.

If the other character doesn't know the information, like if the MC was telling a concerned teacher my parents got a divorce when I was a kid and my mom had to get this job and now she has cancer and we have no money and I'm scared I'm going to lose her... and the teacher didn't already know that, that's fine. But since the sister already knows all of that, it's telling :) So try to find any other instances where you've slipped into that and try to save that information for later.

The other thing I noticed in the dialogue is that you have long stretches without any action or description within the dialogue and then you'll add it in. I know you can do it, so I want more of it. Like here:
“Well,” his sister yelled, slamming her hand on the counter. “What the hell are we supposed to do?”

This is the first description of how they're speaking during this conversation. I would like to see a little more lead up to how it got to the point that she's yelling. Where are they having this conversation? Are they sitting/standing/what, what are they doing while they're talking, what kinds of mannerisms do they have, how do they sound before this moment, is the volume slowly building or is this just an explosion from sister? I think those kinds of questions could make the dialogue come alive throughout the whole chapter.

I also think we need some of scene break between the hospital stuff and the school stuff. You may have done that in the actual document you're writing this on (I know YWS messes up formatting sometimes), but if you haven't I think you should add it in because the scenes are taking places on different days and in different places.

I'm going to leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D Overall I think you have a nice start to this story here and I'm intrigued to see how it will continue!




User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 5100
Reviews: 52

Donate
Thu Oct 20, 2016 3:47 am
Dulcet wrote a review...



Instantly, I'm hooked. I love the first sentence. The simple detail about the wet sleeve just says so much, and to start the story with it sets the scene already. I also had to bare a bit of responsibility on my shoulders at a young age, so I relate to Hamato and his sister a lot. The scene with April also resonates with how I'd have felt back then, when other people complained about "lesser" problems. Not so much anymore, but that scene brought the memories back - so good job on that!

Now, of course like every other work, there are points that could be improved on.

First I just have to mention that, I'd think the sister would need a name since she's such an important character, especially since she's family to the main character. I didn't really notice it on the first read-through, but giving her a name is just something that would make the work flow a bit better, instead of saying "his sister" every time you mention her.

He extracted a pan from a cabinet as his sister placed a carton of eggs on the counter. His sister watched him as he prepared the meal.


"Extracted" isn't quite the word we'd use here when we talk about taking a pan out of a cabinet. Keep in mind that every word has connotations to it. When I say that, I mean "extract" doesn't JUST mean "to remove or take out". It's usually used in scientific, procedural contexts, so it has a sort of "careful, formal" meaning assigned to the word as well. So it just sounds a bit weird when you use "extracted" here. It's good that you have a wide vocabulary; it's just that now isn't the time to show it off. :D

“Hey, calm down. We’ll think of something. I’ll just go and get a job. I can take some time off of college.”

“You can’t leave college.”

“Well,” his sister yelled, slamming her hand on the counter. “What the hell are we supposed to do?”


I think the sister's anger is quite sudden here. She goes from, "Calm down," to "What the hell?" Perhaps you could describe the sister becoming increasingly irate or worried between the dialogue? There's more you can do though, to make the transition less abrupt.

Hamato could now see how concerned she was.


"could see" pops up in a few places in this work, but I think it is unnecessary. You could say, "Hamato saw how concerned she was," and it'd be just as effective. The "could" just bogs the work down with extra words.

That aside, you could also describe how Hamato knows that his sister is concerned. I feel like this is a key scene that showcases how two young adults would actually deal with hardships realistically, so such an important scene would warrant more time put into it. So you've got the sister slamming down on the table, crying - what else? Trembling, sniffling... describing how her voice sounds could also do wonders here. It could echo through the silence of the apartment... It could ring in Hamato's ears... Hopefully those are good examples, heh.

Next, there are a few places where some sentences just aren't needed because of redundancy.

Her son helped to the door but she persisted that she was able to move on her own.

“Hamato,” she told him. “I can move on my own. How about you and your sister go back home. You have school tomorrow.”


He had not paid for last month and now he needed money to pay for September as well.

“I need money to pay for this month and last month.”


In both cases, the first sentence is redundant, since your dialogue straight after it tells the reader the same information. So just remove the first sentence and it'll be all good. In the first case though, I'd maybe shorten it to:

Her son helped her to the door, but she persisted. "Hamato," she told him, "I can move on my own... (etc.)"

It's important not to repeat things unnecessarily, so that readers don't have to slog through information they already know.

Aside from all that, the work just needs a good proofread since there are a few noticeable typos, like:

“come one, Mom’s right.”


I certainly look forward to seeing more of your works, especially some of the writing from your books. If Hamato really is the antagonist in your other book, then you've done a great job developing him - more villains should have understandable motives and backstories like this. :)





'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights