Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
"Barricade the door!"
"With what? This hallway is empty!"
Noah looked at the group, the people he had endured this hell with, his only friends. The oldest, Tom, was twenty nine. He was built, tall, with dirty black hair that crawled past his menacing eyes. Hung across his back was his fifteen year old brother, Henry who had a large gash in his back and his clothes were stained red. He was beginning to look more like a corpse by the second. Beside to them stood another man, Parker. He was the tallest in the group, about six and a half feet. Short blond hair came about an inch above his rectangle glasses. He held a sports bag that contained the entire groups supplies, various weapons, food, water. The remaining companion was the only member to whom Noah was related, his twelve year old sister Olivia. Her skin, which was normal pale, had been stained brown with dirt. Although she was only five years younger than her brother, her height made her appear as a child. Her once curly brown hair was now stringy and hung just above her elbows.
Suddenly, the door burst open and a hoard of zombies launched towards them. Olivia let out a terrible cry as Noah grabbed her hand and dashed down the corridor with his group. They bolted down several hallways before turning into a room and locking the door.It was pitch black until Parker turn on one of the flashlights from the bag. They stood in a dark operating room with a large bed in the middle and dozens of shelves and cabinets against the walls. A large black window comprised almost half of the far wall.
"Shit! We need to treat him!" Tom exclaimed as he gently laid Henry on the bed. "I need bandages, water, soap, painkillers, stitches."
The remaining members began to rip apart the drawers and cabinets, searching for anything that would help. The screams of the undead echoed through the hospital. Blood tricked from the medical bed, slowly building up on the cold floor tiles. Noah scrambled through empty shelves with no luck, his trembling hands did not even portray how terrified he was.
"Water," Parker said, throwing a bottle to Tom.
Tom rolled his brother over, exposing his wounded flesh before beginning to wash away the blood.
"I can't find anything that will help. Somebody else must have cleaned this place out way before we got here," Noah informed.
Tom have him a furious glare before bolted over and slamming him against the wall. His eyes burned with fury, nothing like Noah had ever seen before.
"I WILL NOT LOSE HIM!" Tom shouted in his face.
"I don't want to lose him either but we can't help him in here," Noah explained, pushing his comrade off himself. "Maybe in another room we can find something but with the zombies piling against the door I don't know how we can get out!"
Tom stepped back and leaned against the bed while Noah pushed a large cabinet in front of the door. His sister had stopped searching and now huddled in against the wall. They all knew that within moment they would lose another member of their group. Tom glanced around, his eyes stopping on the black window.
"Do we still have rope, Parker?"
...........
Within moments Noah was being lowered down to the next floor from the outside. At the other end of the rope was Tom and Parker, who had smashed the window in order to make this plan happen. Noah had taken his pistol and knife, as well as a small back pack containing food and water in case something were to happen and he could not regroup.
"Just break into the window and search that floor for supplies when you come back just tug on the rope and we will pull you up!" Tom told him.
"Easy enough," Noah responded, attempting to sound tough but his voice crack proved otherwise.
When he had been lowered to the window he kicked it a few times before it shattered. Once inside, he untied himself and activated his flashlight. Muffled moans and footsteps could be heard from just outside the door.
"Alright," he whispered through his heavy breathing, "I can do this."
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,783 Reviews
Hi Angrynoodles,
I'm reviewing this because I wanted to review your later episode that's in the green room so I figured it was best to start at the beginning.
First off, it was a brilliant idea to start with panic and action. Although starting a story with mindless action is never a good idea, this wasn't mindless, it was progressing the story and that's always good.
I wouldn't have described every character straight off the bat however, because it's technically an action scene keep to the action. There will be plenty of time to describe the characters, let their personalities come through instead.
The pacing is good, a very real threat is pushing them onwards, and I always love reading about how the characters will get out of it. Instead of focusing on their current predicament, they opt to help their friend instead which is a good story choice. Upping the ante, it's an emotional decision from the character and they're always the best ones to make.
Look forward to reading and reviewing the next two. Great job.
LMJ
Thanks, I look forward to see how you react to the ending!
Greetings! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
~Nit-Picks~
We all make them, don't we? Here are just some things I've picked up:
'He held a sports bag that contained the entire groups supplies, various weapons, food, water.'
You forgot to make 'groups' possessive. You should make it ' group's '.
'...and locking the door.It was pitch black until Parker turn...'
You forgot the space after the period.
~Other Bits~
There are some concerns I have over some things.
'Olivia let out a terrible cry as Noah grabbed her hand and dashed down the corridor with his group.'
I'm not sure if I am just for this, but here is goes.
You should probably mention that the group has taken down the hall. It just feels like the were suddenly gone this way.
'At the other end of the rope was Tom and Parker, who had smashed the window in order to make this plan happen.'
That did he smash the window with? This is probably worth mentioning because I imagined him shattering the window with his fist for some reason. You are fine if he was exposed to radiation or something, but you haven't mentioned that and that seems a biiiiiiiit random. Ha ha.
~The Awesome Bits~
I really found this quite interesting to read. It was super action-y with great story and detail. I've got no problems with the idea or how you wrote this. You really describe the action parts super well. They are so natural and are really written well. I sometimes get confused during the action parts while reading (sometimes because the author makes every scene look the same), but I was not confused at all here, which is fantastic.
I just wanted to point one thing out that I really liked:
'The screams of the undead echoed through the hospital.'
A hospital is one of the best places I can think of going during an apocalypse. I've never really though about it until now, which makes your idea for this so much better!
There's my two-cents. I really love your story and I will read the next ones.
Never stop writing!
~Holographic Ladybug
Thanks I will take that into account
Hey Angrynoodles! (I love your username by the way
)
Okay, so I thought I would drop off a quick review after reading this. So, I'm going to kick it off by saying that I absolutely loved this piece. You have the beginning of a great story. Your characters are well developed and the story has me wanting to read more. It's great! (Although I do agree with Dracula about some of the description.)
There are a couple of nitpicks that I noticed while reading though.
'It was pitch black until Parker turn on one of the flashlights'
Here for example I think it should be turned on. It's a small thing but is easily changed.
Another small thing that I noticed was at the end.
'Just break into the window'
I feel like this would sound better if you removed the word 'into' so it became Just break the window. This is completely up to you though, it is just my personal thoughts.
Okay, so I have one final nitpick. At the beginning when you were introducing the characters it felt kind of like a bit of an info dump. This could just be me though. But I thought that maybe if you introduced each of the characters as they came up then the story could have remained at the same fast pace throughout.
Example
Olivia, his younger sister, let out a terrible cry
I'm not trying to say that you should erase all the characters introductions up there because some of them might benefit for being introduced right at the beginning such as Tom and Henry so that the reader still knows the situation. I don't know, it just seemed like a lot of information to be given right at the beginning if you know what I mean.
I hope this didn't seem to harsh because I did love your piece. Your story seems great! I want to know what's going to happen next and how it is going to end. And your fast paced action was great!
Anyways, I loved it!
Burninhell
Thanks, I like your username too. It has a nice ring to it. I can work on that, thanks you for the advice.
Hey there, angrynoodles!
Basically, try to describe all five senses. Do the zombies smell like roses or like rotten flesh? What sorts of sounds are they making? Does one of your characters get so scared that they taste bile in their throat? Extra details will allow be to become more immersed in the story.
Otherwise, you're good to go! Thanks for sharing!
POW! I love how you went straight into the action. There wasn't a long paragraph full of back stories and explanations, there wasn't a boring dialogue with cheesy hints, you just went right to the story. Thank you! This especially set the fast pace which is important for this plot, so good job.
One thing which could be improved on is your description when the zombies go after them. You describe what everything looks like, but my other senses are left wondering what the heck is going on.
"I can't find anything that will help. Somebody else must have cleaned this place out way before we got here," Noah informed.
The problem every survivor faces. You've done a great job of giving each character an individual voice and personality. It's clear that Noah is the brains of the group, at least he appears to be at the moment.
Muffled moans and footsteps could be heard from just outside the door.
This is an excellent description. Give us more like this.
Thanks, I will work on that
Hello Id Love to be a co author with you and i love your story its amazing I have some great ideas if we make a story together
Yeah sure. I just sat down and wrote it in like 30 minutes so I did not really think of where I am going to take the story, but I have some ideas. I will follow you and we can message