Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The doors closed quietly behind them as they walked into the large ballroom. It was very similar to the one being used by their classes, except this one was much smaller. It was a rectangular shape, with a stage and dance floor located on the far side. The stage was equipped with many musical instruments, as well as ceiling tall speakers and a large stereo. Dozens of round tables were scattered around, forming into a ‘U’ figure surrounding the dance floor. Each table had been neatly clothed and set with utensils, even vases filled of water and colorful flowers stood tall on each one. After several steps in, Hamato turned and kicked at Jonah, who blocked and threw his own punch. It came just shy of Hamato, who stepped back. Jonah jumped away and began unbuttoning his suit jacket.
“Scared of getting your jacket dirty?” Hamato laughed.
“Not just the jacket,” he answered.
Hamato stood up straight, a confused expression covered his face, but that did not stop Jonah. He took of his father’s jacket, folded it, and placed it gently upon the nearest table. Next, he proceeded to unbutton his vest, shirt, undershirt, as well as untie his tie. Folding them all cautiously, he placed them on the table next to his jacket.
“You done now?” Hamato question, staring at his shirtless opponent.
“No, these pants are expensive too,” Jonah replied.
He sat down on the floor and slipped off both of his shoes. After that, he stood up again, unfastened his belt buckle and stripped himself on his dress pants. Walking onto the empty dance floor, he stretched his arms and readied himself into a fighting pose, wearing nothing but his underwear and high socks.
Hamato rolled his eyes slowing, clearly vexed by Jonah’s bare appearance, but he was determined to revive his mother no matter the cost. Hamato strolled confidently towards Jonah, stopping just five feet away and positioning himself into his stance. Jonah took a deep, slow inhale through his nostrils. The large room smelled fresh as the bouquet of flowers from each table had scented it. He exhaled leisurely, calming his tense muscles.
They dashed forward into an attack. Each of them pulled back their arms and punched simultaneously. Their fists smashed together violently between them. The force of their energy caused the glasses and vases to shatter, causing pieces of shimmering glass to erupt around them. They retracted their arms and both jumped backwards several feet. Hamato casually rolled the cuffs of his selves higher, while Jonah was failing his hand around in pain.
“That really hurt,” he mumbled to himself, inspecting his bright red knuckles.
“You can just kill yourself and save me the trouble if you would like,” Hamato snickered.
Jonah gritted his teeth, launching himself forward into his attack. He kicked upwards, but Hamato dodged, throwing a punch that connected with Jonah’s chest. Jonah did not waver and continued his assault, punching as fast as he could. Hamato dodged and blocked, but slowly Jonah’s blows began to get through his defense.
What is going on, he thought, Hamato is too good for these punches. He is definitely holding back.
Hamato was stepping back with each block he performed, and not before long he bumped against the waist tall stage. Jonah lowered his arms, stepping away from his enemy.
“Are you going to take this seriously, or just keep pulling your punches?” he asked.
Hamato smiled and laughed. He unrolled his sleeves, took off his jacket, then rolled his dress shirt’s sleeves up once again. Jonah could see the bandages that cocooned his left arm were still present, concealing his black, flakey arm skin. Placing the jacket on the edge of the stage, he turned back to Jonah with a focused expression.
“Are you ready to die?” Hamato asked, a grin spanning across his face.
“On the contrary!” he replied, dashing forward.
Jonah launched at his opponent, kicking his foot horizontally, but Hamato bent his knees and propelled himself backwards onto the stage. Jonah climbed up, continuing his attack. He punched a hook which Hamato ducked under, sending an uppercut straight into the bottom on Jonah’s jaw. Jonah neck snapped back so far he could see behind himself. He stumbled backwards, crashing into a drum set. Quickly, he got to his feet and faced his enemy, who dashed forward for another attack. Jonah reached behind him, grabbing one of the drum toms and holding it out to block Hamato’s punch. The punched ripped straight through the drumhead and connected against Jonah’s chest. He bent the drumhead towards the ceiling, causing Hamato’s arm to bend painfully the in the wrong direction. Jonah dropped the drum, launching forward and kicking Hamato in the chin. He staggered backwards but regained focus in time to block Jonah’s next kick.
Their fight resumed with them throwing punches and blocks, their lower bodies barely moving, except for a few steps forward and then a few steps back they would occasionally make. Jonah threw a faint left hook, then punched with a straight right, but Hamato was too keen for this. Hamato blocked it and returned with his own punch that just grazed his opponent’s nose.
Dang it, he’s good! But I can still win just as I have before! I will not miss my dance with May!
Jonah jumped forward blocking one of his rival's punches and landing one of his own. Hamato stepped back, at which Jonah lunged forward, kicking him in the chest. Hamato did not step back, however, his feet slid several feet back before stopping when he bumped against a large grand piano. Jonah dashed forward with another kick, however, his enemy sidestepped out of the way. Hamato grabbed Jonah’s head, slamming it onto the piano tiles. Then he slid Jonah’s face across the keys, creating an awful melody of shouting and music.
Jonah pulled away, jumping back a few feet. He shook his head violently from side to side, as if trying to relieve himself of the pain. Hamato took a large step forward before raising his open palms back into fighting position.
“What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?” Jonah asked, his serious face trying hard to conceal a laugh.
“Wa...wait, are you- whatever, I don’t know,” he answered, rolling his eyes.
“You can’t tuna fish!” Jonah yelled running forward.
“I don’t get it!” he spouted, dashing at Jonah.
They met in the middle with furious blows. Gradually, Jonah began stepping back, but Hamato followed forwards. As he punched and blocked, Jonah glanced around looking for anything that could possible give him an edge. On the other side of the stage, behind Hamato, stood a few guitars in their stands. Jonah ducked under a hook send by his opponent and dashed for an electric guitar. Picking it up, he turned towards Hamato and swung it. Hamato lifted his arms just in time to protect his head. It connected with his forearms, sending him stumbling back. Jonah dashed at him, raising the guitar into the air he brought it down hard at Hamato's head.
“Time to drop the bass!” he yelled.
“It’s a guitar, you idiot!” Hamato announced back, dodging the attack.
The guitar missed and smashed against the floor, splintering. Hamato rolled to the side, jumped up and kicked. His foot planted itself against Jonah, causing him to fly back and smash against the large stereo. The stereo activated, playing a fast, upbeat song that echoed throughtout the ballroom. Hamato reach down and grabbed one of the sharp wooden splinters from the broken guitar. He launched at Jonah, who ducked and dodged around the first few slashes, but Hamato did not stop. He saw and opening and stabbed the wooden piece down into the top Jonah’s shoulder.
The splinter pierced painfully deep into Jonah, who let out an agonizing scream. He grasped Hamato hands, attempting to stop him from forcing the piece deeper. However, Hamato strength was overpowering, and Jonah could merely slow him down but gradually the sprinter cut deeper.
Ahh, that hurts! I need to think, calm down!
“What do you call a cow that plays guitar?” he muttered.
Hamato raised an eyebrow, “What?”
“A moo-sician.”
There was a moment of silence as they simply stared deeply into each other’s eyes.
“I hope you enjoy dying,” Hamato responded bluntly.
He resumed cutting Jonah even further. Quickly, Jonah glanced around for some sort of solution but to no avail. Jonah could see only one way out. He raised his knee high up, straight into Hamato’s groin. Hamato released his grip of the splinter and staggered backwards, with a soft grunt.
Jonah stumbled back, falling into a set of several music sheet stands. Warm blood ran down his almost naked body, pouring onto the stage. But he knew he had to keep fighting. Pushing the stands off himself, he rose to his unbalanced feet. Hamato was leaning over, his hands between his legs. Jonah dashed forward, kicking him in the face. He then kicked again, but Hamato blocked and returned with his own punch. Jonah ducked under it and grabbed his opponent’s neck tie. Jonah pulled Hamato close and started wailing on his face, but his wound was taking a severe toll on him.
Hamato smiled and then punched Jonah’s injured shoulder. Jonah yelled, stepping back, but he could not escape his enemy. Hamato dashed forward and side kicked Jonah’s chest. With a loud grunt Jonah was lifted off his feet. He flew back off the stage’s side and slammed atop one of the tables. The table legs snapped under the force and crashed to the floor. He rolled over, trying to regain enough focus to stand up.
“My back!” Jonah yelped in pain, “I think you broke my back!”
Hamato jump off the stage, walking villainous towards his victim. He grabbed Jonah’s neck and lifted him into the air. The last of Jonah’s energy had left him, he could not even resist, let alone fight back. Hamato threw him back into another table, which Jonah landed on, knocking it over. Hamato strolled over, grabbed his head, and began trying to twist it.
He’s going to break my neck!
Jonah tried to reach behind him at his enemy but to no avail. Hamato tightened his grip on the back of Jonah’s head with one hand, and with the other he gripped his chin. He violently rotated his arms, and with a terrifying crack, Jonah’s limp body collapsed to the floor.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Well, that was comical. I'd ask for context, but honestly I think it's better without.
(I'm that sort of person who doesn't need any context for anything. You could toss a potato at me and I'll happily start celebrating the gift from God that is a solanum tuberosum.)
Considering the name Hamato, I guess I enjoyed it better because I imagined it in an anime/manga setting--especially the fighting scenes. If that was your purpose, you probably nailed it. If you wanted it to be realistic, though, I really would suggest having the punches be--well--realistic. I don't think the sheer energy of a punch could break vases, is what I'm trying to say here. But from the looks of it you weren't trying to be too serious, as the jokes in combat certainly wouldn't fit in that category.
And also, "Hamato casually rolled the cuffs of his selves higher, while Jonah was failing his hand around in pain." Failing? I think you meant flailing or a synonym of it.
Final thought, I promise. While I did like the comic tone in general, the inner monologue sort of felt overused to me. Look, Jonah, we know you're in pain, you don't need to think it out for us. It might just be me, because I have a thing against third person inner monologues that isn't used for contrast. But I do suggest you take some of them out.
Anyway, hoped this helped. Sort of want to read the rest of the work now.
hello, happy review day. I'll be honest and tell you I didn't really enjoy this. It's not that I didn't understand what was going on, I got that two guys were fighting over the rights to take this "May' person to a dance, but it feels as if it tries too hard to be humorous at times. Most of the jokes and attempts were immature and not at all amusing, same with your characters.
I don't really like this intro, because I know what a ballroom looks like before a dance, so I don't need you to tell me. Just say it's a dance, they're in a ballroom, and tell me why I should care. I found myself tabbing out two or three times before I finally got through this intro, that's not a good sign.
Ah...the...okay. That's weird enough. Hamato isn't quirky in the endearing way to me, he's just like that annoying kid in school who tries to be funny but comes off as super obnoxious.
Wow, now I really, really hate Hamato.
This made me cringe.
“My back!” Jonah yelped in pain, “I think you broke my back!”
So...Hamato murdered him? This lighthearted story sure did take a turn for the dark side...
Overall, during my second read I found this a bit more enjoyable than the first read. I felt pretty bad for Jonah, and his jokes did end up having a sort of sense of endearment to them the second time. If you continue this, I hope Hamarto jumps off a cliff.
Hamato is the antagonist so He is supposed to be hated. Jonah's jokes are supposed to make you think "Omg... that was so bad". But because the whole book isn't up it is hard to tell what their personality it. They have extra lives so they heal themselves after they die. I would upload the whole thing but I am like 50,000 words into it and that is way too much. Thanks a lot, this is still the first draft though.
haha, then you succeeded at creating a good villain ^^
I don't think 50000 is too much if you upload it in pieces a bit at a time, but that's your decision. let me know if you change your mind and I'll give you some points to start.