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Forever and Always

by Angelorchid


Specks of grey blotted the sky, while Katie stood under the Oak tree waiting for Derek to come. This was where he had first confessed his feelings for her. Katie smiled at the memory. But there was a familiar ache in her heart. Although she loved Derek, she could never tell him because she was scared. She didn’t want to feel vulnerable again. Katie was afraid of doing the same mistake again, wearing her heart on her sleeve and getting it broken. But it had not bothered Derek; he had accepted her with all her flaws and said he would always be there. And now Katie wanted to tell him that he was loved too. She closed her eyes letting the happy tears trickle down her cheeks and she felt a hand touching her face. Katie looked up to see Derek examining the tear drop with such care as if it was something really valuable and fragile while he said, “Your tear is too precious to be wasted, love.”

He looked into her aquamarine eyes and found himself getting lost in their depths.

Derek wished nothing more than to take her into his arms but he wanted to take things slow for Katie. The scar left on her heart would take time to heal but he would wait. Taking her face in his hands he said, “My angel looks beautiful.”

Her eyes were gleaming with rapture and she placed her head on his chest near his heart. Derek slowly lifted his hands and held her to him. It seemed that even nature was waiting for this moment as everything stalled while the couple stood in blissful oblivion.

Though the pair said nothing to each other, the silence had a language of its own, conveyed a message…more endearing and poignant than any word. Suddenly it started raining, it made the scene bewitching…dazzling. Derek couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Katie liked the rain but now she loved it…

If anyone saw them from a distance it would look like a scene from a fairy tale, two people who were so in love that it gleamed in their eyes.

Slowly Katie said, “Derek”

“Hmm…”

“I love you.”

Derek’s heart slammed against his ribcage. He knew how much effort it took for her to manage to say that and he held her tighter. He couldn’t wish for anything more.

“Thank you, love” said Derek

“No, thank you for being there when no one was, for loving me the way I am…”

He pressed a light kiss on her lips to stop her and said “I will be there no matter what happens because I’ll love you, forever and always.”


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Sat May 18, 2013 11:47 pm
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lovelysayshi says...



Howdy! :) I would just like to say that I really enjoyed this, it brightened my day and probably many others as well. I love how it was so simple and general, yet it still made me smile. This would be a great part in a romance novel or even a larger short story. I'm not sure if you were just writing this while dabbling, or if you really meant for people to fall in love with it. Either way, I would suggest adding a little "spice" to it, put in some more emotion. Over all it is a very cute story, I plan on reading more of your work.




Angelorchid says...


Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and it really pleases me to know that u liked it. Thanks a bunch! :)



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Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:28 pm
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LadySpark wrote a review...



Hello dear! Here to review!

Well, first off, this is adorable.

But very... cliche? No, not cliche. I don't even know what it is. But I do know that I feel like I've read it before, that that is defiantly not what you want someone to think when they're reading your story. I didn't get any emotion from the story, and that probably would have helped if you had explained why she had a scar on her heart, or how she felt about Derek through thoughts, dialogue and flash backs, instead of just telling us, it would have been so much better. It might seem like a daunting task, showing instead of telling, but it's really not. For example.

" Katie was afraid of doing the same mistake again, wearing her heart on her sleeve and getting it broken. "

Or,

"Once upon a time, Katie had worn her heart on her sleeve, and she'd told of her feelings without thinking. As she leaned against the tree, she was lost in thought, of the days when she was a lot less niave, and a lot more brave. Images filled her mind, of when she'd fell in love with him, and when he'd broken her heart. The feeling seemed to encircle her and hold her close, and she felt tears slip out from under her closed eyes."

Get the picture? It would be so much better that way.

Anyway, everyone else has pretty much covered the bases, I just wanted to offer my two cents. PM me if you have any questions!




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:39 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hey -

I've see you've already gotten a lot of advice on this story, but I happened to come across this and I thought I would chime in. I'll try to keep my comments brief. The main problem I had with this story, while it's well-written and cute, is that it lacks conflict. It's simply about two people confessing their love for each other. While something like this might work in a scene in a larger story, on its own it doesn't have any substance.

The heart of any good story is conflict. I mean, what would Lord of the Rings be if Frodo could just throw the ring away and no one would ever speak of it again? What would Harry Potter be if Harry didn't have any challenges to face whilst he was at Hogwarts? As my English teacher says, boring. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you're going to make your reader care about this story and these characters, you're going to have to add conflict.

I suggest you go to the library and check out a few books of your choosing, or even look at a few stories around this website. See how authors weave in conflict and how their characters overcome it and change as a result.

Consider this as you revise. Good luck!




Angelorchid says...


Thanks..I shortened this from a bigger version so it lacks a few things. Still, appreciate your suggestion.



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Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:18 pm
chancesnchanges wrote a review...



Hi! Angelorchid..

Aww, this is so sweet and romantic. It leaves a smile after reading it. Your readers can imagine what was actually happening in your story. The pain that Katie is feeling and the willingness of Derek to wait and the sweet ending is so nice..

Keep going..

ll
U




Angelorchid says...


Your opinion is highly appreciated and valued so thank u so much! :D



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Sun Dec 30, 2012 1:03 pm
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vidhya iyer wrote a review...



WOW...! its simply superb.. to say exactly, i fell in love with your work.. fantastic..
what a description..! thats love...! and thats how you love writing... :-)
really good.. i dont want it to end so soon.. please add some details.. some background . it would really be good... :-)




Angelorchid says...


Thanks! Hope you'll read more of my stories :)



vidhya iyer says...


sure... :-) hope u will too



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Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:56 pm
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Demeter wrote a review...



Hi, Angelorchid! Welcome again ;)

I haven't read the other reviews, so I apologise in advance if I repeat something that has already been said!

This was very sweet (at times almost a bit too sweet!). There were some interesting things that I was wondering after reading this, like what was it that made Katie not trust him, or maybe rather, not trust love. I'm glad you had that aspect in the character, because it made me her more realistic and interesting.

Derek, however, I wasn't too interested in. He seemed too perfect and flawless, and the things that he said were more syrupy than thoughtful/realistic sweet. Especially the line “Your tear is too precious to be wasted, love.” This is, if you'll excuse me, a little sickening, even. There are many things that a boy could say and you'd think "Awww. :) He's so nice!" but some things just make you go "o_0" and I'm afraid this line is one of the latter ones.

Overall, this felt more like an individual scene, rather than an actual story. Maybe it's the length, maybe it's the fact that not a lot happened. It works well as like a writing exercise though!

Hmm, what was the other thing that I was going to say... Oh yes! I like the way you write. You know your grammar and your sentences flow smoothly, so you're definitely able to write anything! You use some pretty imagery like "the silence had a language of its own" :)

So even though this type of stories don't particularly appeal to me, they have their audience too! Keep writing, and I hope I've said anything even remotely helpful :)


Demeter
x




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:42 pm
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SarahMazer wrote a review...



This is very sweet! Love is very hard to capture in words, but you did a very good of it here!It's obvious how much the two character care about eachother. This story means alot to me because I can identify with the girl in the sense that I'm also afraid to state my feelings. Many people are and true love like in this story is so inspiring. I hope you write more like this:)




Angelorchid says...


Thanks you so much :) I'am glad you liked my story.



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Sun Dec 30, 2012 8:36 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Girl, this is what you did: you described the image exactly as you saw it in your head,
but the problem was that you were only focusing on transcribing the image. That's what you have, the perfect image of a couple beneath a tree in the rain. And instead of thinking carefully about the emotions they would have in this moment, you gave them the first ones that came to mind: the easiest and happiest ones.

You can keep your rain and your tree and your couple.

But now you need to pay attention to your people, the things that your audience will actually relate to and want to pay attention to.

WHAT is the scar that you allude to? Without knowing it, this girl stays flat. She seems unreal. It's a trope: a hurt girl doesn't want to be vulnerable again. But you know what? Not all girls react that way to being hurt. Some don't even realize they were hurt and want to go get hurt again. Some take a while to realize it, and when they do, they're already being taken care of so it doesn't matter. Unless it was something horrifying and terrible, she's not going to be SO DARN SCARED of love when this guy is saying things that are obviously loving.

Unless, of course, the real reason she's scared is that she doesn't trust him. If she thinks he's just saying things that every guy everywhere would say to get a girl to fall for him. That's no where in this version, though.

And how in the world does Derek know about all her problems anyway? Have they talked in depth about them? IF SO, consider this: saying "I love you" is not in any way, shape, or form, the end all condition of love. There are far more poignant and genuine ways to show love, one of which is listening to the worst parts of a person's history and not abandoning them afterwards. She would know he loved her, unless she had, like I said, something REALLY traumatic happen to her.

IN WHICH CASE, we need to know what it is, or at least have some kind of substantial hint.

Anyway, get to know your characters, and then put them back in this scene and see what happens.

Please let me know if you have any questions.
Good luck.
Branch out.
Reach out.
Keep writing. :)




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 7:56 am
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Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



Wow, what a soppy romance story. There are a few things that bug me about it. First off:

Although she loved Derek, she could never tell him because she was scared.


Since she actually does that later in the story, perhaps she "couldn't tell him at the time."

Second: Derek never actually arrives. One moment he isn't there, the next he is. I would have liked it better if we could have seen him coming. It would have given you an opportunity to insert a line like "Her heart leapt as she saw him walking toward her," which would have made it connect with any reader who has ever had that happen to them. Immediately after, you could insert a line about her anxiety and how it overwhelms her. Which is also familiar to those in the know.

When your words connect with a reader, you can have them hanging on your every word. It would also be a good transition to this part, although it might need some revision.

She closed her eyes letting the happy tears trickle down her cheeks and she felt a hand touching her face. Katie looked up to see Derek examining the tear drop with such care as if it was something really valuable and fragile while he said, “Your tear is too precious to be wasted, love.”


I didn't find this very realistic. Guys don't like seeing girls cry. It makes us upset. Which is why, while the girl is upstairs preparing to go out on a date, the young lady's Dad and male siblings are downstairs with the young man, telling him "If you make her cry, I'll make you cry" or worse.

So, if I see a girl crying, I immediately ask what is wrong. It makes me worry, it makes me tense, it makes me protective. All are completely natural male reactions, none of which are present here. Only a moron would focus on the tears instead of the girl. Indeed, if sees her crying, he may very well be flashing back to the aforementioned conversation with the young lady's male relations. She would have to reassure him that she's crying because she's happy, not because she's angry or PMSing or hurt.

One day I'll write a parody of romance novels, which will include a line like this: "I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because I'm in a romance novel."

Derek’s heart slammed against his ribcage. He knew how much effort it took for her to manage to say that and he held her tighter. He couldn’t wish for anything more.


I prefer the more traditional "skipped a beat." It is the best way to describe a heart-stopping moment when your life changes.

Also, why did this happen?

Suddenly it started raining, it made the scene bewitching…dazzling. Derek couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Katie liked the rain but now she loved it…


This was a little too blatant as far as scenery goes. If it's going to rain, you'd better have a good explanation for why they are meeting outdoors, instead of indoors. At the very least, acknowledge that the weather was threatening rain.

Overall, I would say that the story was pretty overrun with cliches, but it succeeded because the reader didn't object as much because they felt what you wanted them too. We wanted to see them live happily ever after, so we forgave the unrealistic stuff.

In your next draft, focus on giving us more background about the setting. You kind of let that slide because you were too focused on the characters. Also, try replacing the fake romance novel cliches with more realistic romance. It may not be as cute, but I think that, properly done, it will become so much more powerful as a romance. We wanted to like it, so we overlooked it. But we shouldn't have had to overlook anything.




Angelorchid says...


Its obvious you don't like romance stories; anyways thanks for your suggestions.



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Sun Dec 30, 2012 1:07 am
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Trinity9001 wrote a review...



Hey Angel :)

I really like the detail you put into this piece! The sentences flow nicely and it was really interesting. I love the ending scene, it made my heart flutter.

Derek slowly lifted his hands and held her to him.


I would change this to [b]Derek slowly lifted his hands and held her close to him.[b]
But that's just my opinion.

Except for that I think this is a fine piece of writing.
I hope to read more of your work!




Angelorchid says...


Ok thank you for taking the time to review my story :)



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Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:54 pm
squeak wrote a review...



This is really good. I enjoyed the smooth flow.




Angelorchid says...


Thank you!



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Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:48 pm
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Logowrites wrote a review...



That was lovely, it showed compasion and how he cared for her. I love how you used those similies and metaphors. however, it seemed a little to good to be true, make it a little mor realistic next time. but other then that its great. I loved the ending, and how you found out why it was called forever and always. overall 9/10




Angelorchid says...


Thank you for taking the time to review my story and also the suggestion.I am glad you enjoyed it and hope you'll read more of my stories.



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Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:41 pm
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CrazyGirl wrote a review...



I loved it. It wasn't boring at all, it was interesting and kept me on edge to what's going to happen.
And I would love to know what will happen next and how will their relationship develop after that moment.
So keep up the good work and I hope to see more f this story.




Angelorchid says...


Thank You so much! It means a lot :)



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Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:01 pm
Angelorchid says...



Correction : "No, thank you for being there when no one was..."





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