Young Writers Society

Howdy! I would just like to say that I really enjoyed this, it brightened my day and probably many others as well. I love how it was so simple and general, yet it still made me smile. This would be a great part in a romance novel or even a larger short story. I'm not sure if you were just writing this while dabbling, or if you really meant for people to fall in love with it. Either way, I would suggest adding a little "spice" to it, put in some more emotion. Over all it is a very cute story, I plan on reading more of your work.

Hello dear! Here to review!

Well, first off, this is adorable.

But very... cliche? No, not cliche. I don't even know what it is. But I do know that I feel like I've read it before, that that is defiantly not what you want someone to think when they're reading your story. I didn't get any emotion from the story, and that probably would have helped if you had explained why she had a scar on her heart, or how she felt about Derek through thoughts, dialogue and flash backs, instead of just telling us, it would have been so much better. It might seem like a daunting task, showing instead of telling, but it's really not. For example.

" Katie was afraid of doing the same mistake again, wearing her heart on her sleeve and getting it broken. "

Or,

"Once upon a time, Katie had worn her heart on her sleeve, and she'd told of her feelings without thinking. As she leaned against the tree, she was lost in thought, of the days when she was a lot less niave, and a lot more brave. Images filled her mind, of when she'd fell in love with him, and when he'd broken her heart. The feeling seemed to encircle her and hold her close, and she felt tears slip out from under her closed eyes."

Get the picture? It would be so much better that way.

Anyway, everyone else has pretty much covered the bases, I just wanted to offer my two cents. PM me if you have any questions!

Hey -

I've see you've already gotten a lot of advice on this story, but I happened to come across this and I thought I would chime in. I'll try to keep my comments brief. The main problem I had with this story, while it's well-written and cute, is that it lacks conflict. It's simply about two people confessing their love for each other. While something like this might work in a scene in a larger story, on its own it doesn't have any substance.

The heart of any good story is conflict. I mean, what would Lord of the Rings be if Frodo could just throw the ring away and no one would ever speak of it again? What would Harry Potter be if Harry didn't have any challenges to face whilst he was at Hogwarts? As my English teacher says, boring. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you're going to make your reader care about this story and these characters, you're going to have to add conflict.

I suggest you go to the library and check out a few books of your choosing, or even look at a few stories around this website. See how authors weave in conflict and how their characters overcome it and change as a result.

Consider this as you revise. Good luck!

Hi! Angelorchid..

Aww, this is so sweet and romantic. It leaves a smile after reading it. Your readers can imagine what was actually happening in your story. The pain that Katie is feeling and the willingness of Derek to wait and the sweet ending is so nice..

Keep going..

ll
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WOW...! its simply superb.. to say exactly, i fell in love with your work.. fantastic..
what a description..! thats love...! and thats how you love writing...
really good.. i dont want it to end so soon.. please add some details.. some background . it would really be good...

Hi, Angelorchid! Welcome again

I haven't read the other reviews, so I apologise in advance if I repeat something that has already been said!

This was very sweet (at times almost a bit too sweet!). There were some interesting things that I was wondering after reading this, like what was it that made Katie not trust him, or maybe rather, not trust love. I'm glad you had that aspect in the character, because it made me her more realistic and interesting.

Derek, however, I wasn't too interested in. He seemed too perfect and flawless, and the things that he said were more syrupy than thoughtful/realistic sweet. Especially the line “Your tear is too precious to be wasted, love.” This is, if you'll excuse me, a little sickening, even. There are many things that a boy could say and you'd think "Awww. He's so nice!" but some things just make you go "o_0" and I'm afraid this line is one of the latter ones.

Overall, this felt more like an individual scene, rather than an actual story. Maybe it's the length, maybe it's the fact that not a lot happened. It works well as like a writing exercise though!

Hmm, what was the other thing that I was going to say... Oh yes! I like the way you write. You know your grammar and your sentences flow smoothly, so you're definitely able to write anything! You use some pretty imagery like "the silence had a language of its own"

So even though this type of stories don't particularly appeal to me, they have their audience too! Keep writing, and I hope I've said anything even remotely helpful


Demeter
x

This is very sweet! Love is very hard to capture in words, but you did a very good of it here!It's obvious how much the two character care about eachother. This story means alot to me because I can identify with the girl in the sense that I'm also afraid to state my feelings. Many people are and true love like in this story is so inspiring. I hope you write more like this:)

Girl, this is what you did: you described the image exactly as you saw it in your head,
but the problem was that you were only focusing on transcribing the image. That's what you have, the perfect image of a couple beneath a tree in the rain. And instead of thinking carefully about the emotions they would have in this moment, you gave them the first ones that came to mind: the easiest and happiest ones.

You can keep your rain and your tree and your couple.

But now you need to pay attention to your people, the things that your audience will actually relate to and want to pay attention to.

WHAT is the scar that you allude to? Without knowing it, this girl stays flat. She seems unreal. It's a trope: a hurt girl doesn't want to be vulnerable again. But you know what? Not all girls react that way to being hurt. Some don't even realize they were hurt and want to go get hurt again. Some take a while to realize it, and when they do, they're already being taken care of so it doesn't matter. Unless it was something horrifying and terrible, she's not going to be SO DARN SCARED of love when this guy is saying things that are obviously loving.

Unless, of course, the real reason she's scared is that she doesn't trust him. If she thinks he's just saying things that every guy everywhere would say to get a girl to fall for him. That's no where in this version, though.

And how in the world does Derek know about all her problems anyway? Have they talked in depth about them? IF SO, consider this: saying "I love you" is not in any way, shape, or form, the end all condition of love. There are far more poignant and genuine ways to show love, one of which is listening to the worst parts of a person's history and not abandoning them afterwards. She would know he loved her, unless she had, like I said, something REALLY traumatic happen to her.

IN WHICH CASE, we need to know what it is, or at least have some kind of substantial hint.

Anyway, get to know your characters, and then put them back in this scene and see what happens.

Please let me know if you have any questions.
Good luck.
Branch out.
Reach out.
Keep writing.

Wow, what a soppy romance story. There are a few things that bug me about it. First off:

Although she loved Derek, she could never tell him because she was scared.

She closed her eyes letting the happy tears trickle down her cheeks and she felt a hand touching her face. Katie looked up to see Derek examining the tear drop with such care as if it was something really valuable and fragile while he said, “Your tear is too precious to be wasted, love.”

Derek’s heart slammed against his ribcage. He knew how much effort it took for her to manage to say that and he held her tighter. He couldn’t wish for anything more.

Suddenly it started raining, it made the scene bewitching…dazzling. Derek couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Katie liked the rain but now she loved it…

Hey Angel

I really like the detail you put into this piece! The sentences flow nicely and it was really interesting. I love the ending scene, it made my heart flutter.

Derek slowly lifted his hands and held her to him.

This is really good. I enjoyed the smooth flow.

That was lovely, it showed compasion and how he cared for her. I love how you used those similies and metaphors. however, it seemed a little to good to be true, make it a little mor realistic next time. but other then that its great. I loved the ending, and how you found out why it was called forever and always. overall 9/10

I loved it. It wasn't boring at all, it was interesting and kept me on edge to what's going to happen.
And I would love to know what will happen next and how will their relationship develop after that moment.
So keep up the good work and I hope to see more f this story.

Correction : "No, thank you for being there when no one was..."