Young Writers Society

Hi Angel! Here to review your story.

Okay, let's get straight with it. I really liked the ending you've left in on, I always think it's great to leave on a good cliff hanger. As has been mentioned before, it's left with a very open ending so anything could happen! That's quite intriguing. I also think you have quite a sweet story idea here.

Onto improvements, one thing that seemed to be a bit of an issue is just that the writing is all a bit boring. 'This happened and then that happened'. It's pretty annoying and dull to see this because I think that there could be so much more. Try instead to use some more descriptive language, and vary your sentences a bit so it makes it more interesting to read. I think this is really important, not only to not bore the readers, but it's actually much more fun to write varied.

Secondly, I really want to know more about the characters. All I really know about them right now is their names. I think you need to show how the characters interact with each other which will add more depth for them. Also, talk about their physical appearance. Always make sure when you have a new-to-the-story character, you should introduce them properly so it doesn't get too confusing.

All in all, this is a good first chapter! The ending leaves me very absorbed and intrigued and I want to read more. Next steps would be just adding a bit more depth to things, especially your characters. I hope this review helped, please PM me with questions or if you'd like another review (maybe with part 2?)

Keep Writing!
-Arc x

If this is part 1 i wonder what is going to be in part 2? During your first paragraph, you are making it sound like a tragedy is going to occur, but saying she finds a love online changes to mood drastically. In my point of view, I was disappointed. I think that by adding something in the beginning could fix this problem. Expand on her feeling of emptiness. Add to her awkwardness when she talked to her friend. That way you have more content in this part, and you can move something from here to part 2.
I think you are progressing the story to fast, and I can't see a mental picture of her eagerness to go online and talk to him. You said that she felt sad when she didn't talk to him. She always wants to talk every single day. That might bring up problems with grades, family or friends.
Just add more to make it more interesting.
In all, i liked the story, and i apologize for being a picky person.
Happy writing,
- UnicornSmilz

I think that this story is incomplete and that you are moving very fast. It would be good to add some description to it and all describe the feelings of your character. Your plot is good and it can be somehow made better. Its just a matter of trying and as a begginer, The story is good. The ending doesnt make it clear and you are still left with confusions. I hope it helps but it would be better if you extend the story even if it is a ''Short'' story, you still have to make it clear and satisfying. You could try explaining about your main character and her feelings towards the boy.
The best part is that there are no grammatical mistakes. Hope it helps. C: You should define how Anne feels after falling in love and add a bit of emotion to it.

I feel like this story was very unrealistic. The way that Ann and Dean met seemed like you just put it there, just to put it in there. The story itself seemed very veage, you didn't go into very much detail, but maybe you did that on purpose? I feel like the piece has a pretty good set up for another story, but to leave it as is, seems unfair to the read. It leaves you with a ton of questions. If you add on to this please let me know. I'm very interested to see exactly what it is you're gonna do with it. Good luck!(:

Stella Thomas has a good point about the lack of development in the story. Any piece on love needs the reader to really care about the characters of interest. I never cared about either Ann or Dean in this work at all. Your grammar is a little rough in some places. "Ann had just finished building her castles in the air when it all came crashing around her ears." Doesn't make to much sense. When did the reader know about this castle building? You could mention Ann and Dean's relationship being built up like a castle in a prior paragraph and then use this as a extended metaphor. Also, why is she making multiple castles? And, castle's aren't things that crash. They're secure and strong. Ann and Dean don't have something strong, so maybe you should rethink that metaphor.

Hi there, Stella here!

So I'm a little confused firstly by your classification as a short story... it really seems like there's more to come! It's a strange, very open ending for a short story, which makes me think this is more like an extract from something bigger!

In general, your writing, spelling, grammar etc was all fine, but it was development that I felt this story lacked. Ann, Dean, Lily... they're all just names on a page. We don't really know anything about Ann except that she has a generally happy life. But what are her interests? What does she look like? What does she like most about Dean? As for Dean, we only ever see him through the screen, and I really don't understand the attraction- because I don't know him!

Basically, to get anybody invested in your story, the characters are the most important bit. If we knew Ann and Dean a bit better then I'd bet we'd be shouting and cheering and crying alongside them. But we don't, so we're not.

This is reallly short, and you definitely have room to develop some more. Make Ann and Dean seem a bit more 3-dimensional, and also give us some idea of their relationship. What did they talk about? Did they joke? What was their sense of humour like? All this kind of thing. Detail is really really key, especially in a romance where the relationship is literally the centre of absolutely everything.

So this was okay, but it needs some development for any emotional involvement!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

This is a great short story in my eyes.There are a few things I would change though. [quote]At that moment she realized that it didn’t matter to her whether Dean asked her out or not because she had already fallen in love with him and just because he didn’t make a move didn’t mean she would say yes to whoever did.[\quote] I would change this up a little for it to say "At that moment she realized that it didn’t matter to her whether Dean asked her out or not, she had already fallen in love with him; just because he didn’t make a move didn’t mean she would say yes to whoever did." I feel like that would make it flow better. other than that the story is really good.
-Tasha