18+ Language Violence

The Light Maiden's Mark, Chapter 7 - Burdens

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

“You can stop carrying me now,” Skyler said worriedly. “I don’t even know how you’ve carried me this far.”

“I exercise, and also you’re real skinny so you are pretty light.” Gabrielle shrugged. “I don’t think you’re well enough to walk by yourself, but if you want, I can give you my shoulder instead.” she said.

“That would be better,” he said, nodding in agreement.

Gabrielle stood him up, grabbed his left arm and put it over her left shoulder to support him. She was going to ask what happened to him that would turn him into a non-human, but she hadn’t found the right time to ask it. Black blood. She wondered what turned his blood black, how he could transform his arms. The scar? The vertical one on his eye? Those wounds. Those scars. How did he get them? She felt he had so many secrets, but she she decided to ask him all that later, when she could get him to a hospital bed.

“Thanks, but I still don’t approve of you telling them we’re engaged,” he mumbled, his cheeks grayed again as he frowned and turned away.

“What else are we going to do? Friends might not cut it for them,” she warned.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” he asked as they neared the outer gate.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of everything,” she assured him, picking up the pace as they get closer to their destination. “Hey!” she called up to the gate keeper who was up on the wall. “Let me in, I have wounded!” she shouted up at the man, who looked at the person she was carrying. An icy feeling of trepidation shot through her, and fear burned in her belly. After a long hard look, the man shouted for the gate to open.

She sighed in relief, and walked inside as the gate opened, but the fear did not leave her, this was only one step of many to ensuring Skyler’s safety.

As soon as she got inside, one of the guards noticed Skyler’s pitch black skin on his arms, and shouted for reinforcements. A dozen armed guards surrounded her. “Who let that horrible thing in?” one of them shouted, they all pointed their spears towards her and Skyler, fear and anger in their eyes. Gabrielle gripped his shoulder tighter in suspense, she realized this was going to be a lot more difficult than she thought it’d be.

“What’s going on?” Shai’s voice could be heard from far away. The guards froze, some of them turning around and waiting for Shai to come up to them, some of them were too fearful of who Gabrielle was carrying to turn their back.

“Don’t turn your backs on that monster, it could kill us all!” A guard warned, stabbing the air with his spear. Hatred. There was more hatred in his eyes than fear. Then a light appeared behind the guards, taking the shape of a door. A small girl with long blonde hair and pale blue skin lifted their pearl colored robes and stepped out of the bright doorway. Her eyes were closed. Two glowing white vertical scar-like markings trailed down the middle of her eyelids.

“Step aside,” the girl said, her soft voice sounding more adult than her body. The girl dropped her arms to her sides, letting her long robes flow freely. As soon as the guards realized who she was, they all made way for Gabrielle, some of them bowing in the girl’s direction, some of them prostrating.

“It’s really you,” Skyler sighed in relief. “You picked the best time to show up.”

“Excuse me, O Great Immaculate Veil, I hope this does not offend you, but why are you letting a Darkling into our land?” a bowing guard said, his voice wavering.

“He and I are related by blood,” the Immaculate Veil said. Shai had then made her way over to everyone, and bowed at the girl as well.

“My lady Cara, what brings you here?” Shai said softly, but worriedly.

“It matters not if he is a Darkling, my family is important to me,” Cara the Immaculate Veil said, turning her closed eyes towards Shai.

“What do you- Oh,” Shai started to ask Cara a question, but then noticed Skyler resting on Gabrielle’s shoulder. “Lucky boy, if my lady wasn’t here, you’d be in deep trouble.”

Gabrielle turned her head towards Skyler, then turned back to Shai and Cara. “Does this mean we aren’t in trouble? You all know each other, right? You know him, he would only use violence to defend himself or someone he cares about.”

Cara and Shai looked at each other with worry on their faces, though Cara’s eyes never opened, then turned back towards her. Shai stood up and took a step back. “That may have been true about him in the past, but I know differently.”

Gabrielle grips Skyler’s shoulder again. “I… I don’t believe that-”

“It’s true,” Skyler interjected, lowering his head. “I… For half I couldn’t control myself, but for the other half… I became so corrupted, I started to… Like it,” he choked in a gasp as he tried to breath in. His arms were shaking, and the beginnings of tears pooled under his eyes. “Gabby, I… It wasn’t all the corruption’s fault, I gave into the disease,” he said, his voice wavering. “I admit it, I’ve got blood on my hands, but I’ve done whatever I could to make things right again, as much as I could, but… It’s impossible to, in the end, all those innocent people… They’re never coming back. Because of me,” he said, then took a breath through his clenched teeth, making a hissing noise. Two streams of black tears broke away from under his eyes and streamed down his cheeks.

“There must have been something, like that corruption, that caused that,” Gabrielle said defiantly. “I refuse to believe that you did that yourself, there had to be some kind of influence.” She didn’t want to believe he would do such a thing, it had to be something else. Anything else. She thought of a dozen nightmare scenarios; him being controlled by some ungodly evil, him being deprived of all control of his body, and then him storming through the streets, killing innocent people on sight. That was the only scenario she could think of. She felt dizzy, faint even. She refused to believe he would kill innocent people unless he was completely controlled by something. There was no way.

“Don’t. Don’t try to explain away my crimes. It doesn’t matter if I was influenced, it was my hands,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut, making more tears stream down his face.

“I know you want to prevent yourself from doing such a thing in the future, I will ask Parliament to do the necessary preparations. It may be too early, but we should do the ritual the next morning,” Cara says, a look of concern on her face.

“Ritual, what ritual?” Gabrielle asked in surprise, reflexively stepping forward, then wobbling from her faintness.

Cara turned around, and started to slowly walk away. “To put a mark on him so the one who marks him can control him, it’s only feasible to do so when his power is as great as it is. But for now, follow me to the castle’s infirmary.”

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
rosette
Review
rosette wrote a review · Wed Sep 27, 2017 6:18 pm

Hey, AneiDoru!

I'm just dropping in real quick for a short review because for 1. I thought this chapter could give me some more background on what's going on, and 2. I need to get in some reviews. xP

While this did help me, as far as Skyler's history, it seems to me that you still want some of it to remain a mystery for now. That's horrible that he killed so many innocent people, and I thought you did a great job expressing how Skyler felt about it. He took responsibility for it, showing a lot of maturity on his part. Though I never before realized how emotional he is...

Gabrielle grips Skyler’s legs again. “I… I don’t believe that-”

This was inconsistent with the previous paragraphs where it's clearly shown that Skyler is leaning on Gabrielle's shoulder. She's not carrying him anymore, so maybe this was just a continuity slip?

“Thanks, but I still don’t approve of you telling them we’re engaged.” he mumbled, his cheeks grayed again as he frowned and turned away

I've honestly never heard that word used in this context before. His cheeks grayed? Did you mean paled? Or reddened? I'm not sure what "grayed" means here.

She sighed in relief, and walked inside as the gate opened, but the fear did not leave her, this was only one step of many to ensuring Skyler’s safety. As soon as she got inside, a dozen armed guards surrounded her.

“Who let that horrible thing in?” one of them shouted, they all pointed their spears towards her and Skyler, fear and anger in their eyes.

I'm wondering how the guards recognized Skyler as a Darkling so quickly. Because as soon as they got inside, they were surrounded. In chapter 8, Skyler says one reason he may be recognized as a Darkling is because of his mask, but he wasn't revealing that here; and the Mole Imps recognized him as Forsaken One because of the scar on his eye, but they were surrounded way too quickly for any of the guards to notice the scar beforehand.
Is there another way for Darklings to be recognized?

As before, I thought you did another great job with this chapter. Gabrielle is so kind, yet stubborn. She refuses to believe anything wrong about Skyler, whether it's true or not. She's really something!

I think that just about sums up my thoughts for now.
Hope you found 'em helpful!

cheers for now,
~rosette <3

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User avatar
Mageheart
Review

Hello, AneiDoru! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.

I loved this chapter! I wasn't expecting some of the things that occurred over the course of it, but I still think they're the perfect direction to bring the story in. I just wanted to address some quick grammar issues and then move onto the rest of my thoughts about this. Your major problem in this chapter is run on sentences. The structure of your dialogue also needs some work. I went over both of these in my last review for this story, so I'd suggest checking that out if you haven't already!

One of the things that I love about your story is your protagonist. While most stories stress the strength and fortitude of their hero, your focus is Gabrielle's kindness. As someone who think pretty highly of kind people, I find that to be a wonderful trait for a protagonist to have. I also love how she thinks the best of people. Though she and Skyler have only recently fallen back in touch, she can't imagine him doing the horrendous things he supposedly has done.

She refused to believe he would kill innocent people unless he was completely controlled by something. There was no way.


I'm curious about Skyler's past, and I'm thrilled at the thought of learning more about it in the future chapters! I hadn't expected him to have done anything evil, but I love that unexpected twist.

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

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Can you tell me where to edit? You kind of tell me to fix things without telling me where.

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IcyFlame
Review

Hey there,
Icy here for a quick review (trying to make up the number of reviews for RevMo).

“I exercise, and also you’re real skinny so you are pretty light.” Gabrielle shrugged, she didn’t feel he was that heavy, and she was already so close to the outer walls of the city.

I think you should have a full stop after 'shrugged'.

“I don’t think you’re well enough to walk by yourself, but if you want, I can give you my shoulder instead.” she said, standing him up, grabbing his left arm and putting it over her left shoulder to support him.

She could have waited for his response to this before actually moving him - just to make sure he is prepared so that she doesn't hurt him any further.

I like the dynamic you have here between Gabrielle and Skyler, though I did start to get confused when you introduced Shai and Cara. I'm not sure if that's because I thought they were the same person to begin with or if it's just because I haven't read more of the story than this chapter.

The pacing was good overall, although the section where Skyler explains everything could be spread out a little more, as that was a big and long paragraph. Careful with your grammar too as you did a lot of comma splicing - just check through for these.

Hope this was helpful.
Icy.

Ok, I will edit it accordingly.

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Tue Sep 19, 2017 10:29 am

Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today.

In terms of story and character, this is an extremely strong and engaging chapter. Your characters and their relationships with each other felt well rounded and real.

In particular, Gabrielle's reaction to Skylar's admissions... I've only just jumped into the story and already I feel so bad for both of them. And the fact that he'll have to get a mark put on him so he can be controlled at a whim... it's such a real consequence of what's happened and it adds a lot of weight to the situation. So basically, great job.

“What else are we going to do? Friends might not cut it for them.” she warned.

This is possibly just because I'm unaware of the larger context, but I'm not sure why "friends" wouldn't be enough. I also thought the jump between this paragraph and the next felt a bit sudden, since Skylar doesn't actually respond to what she said and you don't acknowledge that he didn't.

Hatred. There was more hatred in his eyes than fear.

I really liked this line - it speaks volumes about the implications of what Skylar has become and how he and other like him are viewed. Especially in light of how Skylar, towards the end, was enjoying killing because of the corruption.

My main critique for you is actually grammar, which I usually try to avoid critiquing, but I found it was the weakest part of the chapter because there were enough errors it was genuinely distracting.

Most of the errors I noticed were comma errors, or sentence structure errors that could be fixed by tweaking the placement of commas. Let me know if you need/want a runthrough of commas, or if you know all that and the errors were just a result of quick typing and not too much proofreading. (If you are unsure of comma rules I have some good links I could give you.)

She felt he had so many secrets, she decided to ask him all that when she could get him to a hospital bed.

This was your most common mistake - the comma splice, where you join two sentences that could stand on their own with a single comma. You always have to have a conjunction and a comma - in this case, you could just make it two sentences, you could add "so," or you get rid of the comma and use "that", or something else entirely.

Here's another example I noticed:
Her eyes were closed, two glowing white vertical scar-like markings trailed down the middle of her eyelids.


You also had this random sentence of present tense, which I'm guessing you just overlooked:
Shai stands up and takes a step back.


And I think I'll leave it there! Hopefully this review was helpful - good luck and keep writing!

Oh darn, I present tensed again! Thanks for the review, I'll be sure to edit accordingly!



"Come quickly, I am drinking the stars!"
— Dom Pérignon