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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

The Light Maiden's Mark, Chapter 4 - First Day at Work

by AneiDoru


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

It was the very next morning, and Gabrielle woke up to the sound of her phone’s loud beeping alarm. Yawning, she rolled onto her back and sat up, rubbing the crust out of her eyes. She patted down her nightstand until she found her phone, quickly unlocking it to silence the alarm.

The clock said six thirty, she hoped that would be early enough to avoid morning traffic. Feeling a bittersweet happiness that she couldn't sleep in anymore because her mother was paying rent. Her mother always wanted her to be self reliant, and was so relieved when she was told the news that she got her dream job on top of it. She did miss her parents though, even visiting from time to time wasn't enough.

Completely forgetting about the markings on her finger, she got ready, grabbed her purse, keys, and coat and headed out. She walked past her new 2049 calendar that hung on the fridge. It was finally the New Year. People back in the previous century were practically praying for flying cars, but cars still don’t fly. However, arguing with your car’s AI wasn’t something anyone expected.

Gabrielle walked out of her apartment and felt the freezing cold of the outside hit her. Hunched over and shivering all around, she walked up to her white car and hurried to turn it on. Finally getting it to function, she blasted the heater onto her face, she was sure it froze out in the cold. Then, Gabrielle began her drive to Crayla Town

It used to be something else before 2023.. Just a bunch of industrial, process and packaging plants and warehouses that didn’t bother anybody. But the flooding and proceeding mudslide irreparably damaged all of it. What happened after that? They built a town over it, and this was where Gabrielle was to work from now on.

Gabrielle couldn’t believe she got a job at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the entire Pacific Northwest. One of the doctors that worked there, Dr. Gage, was the one that hired her. He Was always trying to find new cures to all sorts of things. From illnesses as bad as cancer to the common cold! He even tried finding remedies for mutations of diseases that could no longer be treated by antibiotics.

Always wanting to help people, she remembers jumping into a program to become a registered nurse as soon as she got out of high school. It was about the feeling she got when she helped someone, it was about giving. A warm feeling welled up in her heart just thinking about it as the warm breeze of the car’s heater slowly drifted over and around her.

Engrossed in all the things she imagined doing, the voices on the radio sounded muffled. She starts thinking back to the big move she had to do after she graduated middle school, and having to leave her best friend Skyler behind, who she knew since kindergarten.

She wondered how Skyler is doing, he was always prone to bad behavior, she remembered how distant he started becoming in middle school, the warmth in her heart ran cold, and and heavy pangs of regret assaulted her, he was the only one she couldn’t help. Physical wounds can be easily healed, but a broken psyche was way out of her league.

She hadn't thought of him in years, why now? She asked herself, shaking her head to snap herself out of it, she had to be dedicated to this job, a white hot sense of bravery welled up in her heart where the cold feeling had just been. A memory popped into her head, the time when she first met Skyler back in kindergarten, he was crying under a cherry tree, his scraped knees were bleeding badly, she felt the need to do something then as she did now, those large band aids and that disinfecting cream were the first steps she took to become a nurse.

She wasn’t doing it for herself, she was doing it for people like him. She won’t ever forget that day, no matter how many years pass. The white hot feeling of bravery in her heart felt like it was bursting over, making her whole body feel warm, like it was vibrating. She liked him; his short black hair, gray eyes, fair skin, and lanky build, he was nice to her, and thinking about it, he might have liked her too, probably more than he let on. Feeling her face get hotter and heart flutter in her chest, she never dated anyone, it would have betrayed her feelings for him. She tried searching his name before, but nothing came up, that’s how badly she wanted to get back into contact with him.

Her car’s navigation system told her that she’s nearing her destination, large dome on top of the building poked out over the rest of the buildings on the street, she followed the road, moving past small trees and little mom and pop shops. Why would a doctor this great put his hospital in an area like this? There were many people coming and going from those shops, some shops even had lines, Gabrielle guessed that having the hospital nearby has to be big for business.

She arrived at her destination. It was a large two story building. four doors at the front, both of them are wheelchair accessible. On the far side of the building there sat an entrance for ambulances, three that are all parked outwards towards the road, no serious injuries this morning, she thought. She drove into the parking lot and parked in an employee only space, getting out and walking inside.

“Welcome to Gage Hospital, how can I help you?” a male’s voice said brightly, She looked over to her left, the first thing that caught her eye about the man behind the counter was, that he doesn’t have a normal nose, it was nose-like in appearance but it turns out to be prosthetic, a square of plating on all four sides surrounded it, with scarring under his right eye that darkened his already tan skin. The dish heater beside him turned on, blowing around his short, light brown hair, messing up his feathered bangs. “Are you ok?” he asks, raising his prosthetic right arm to fix his hair, the prosthesis ending at the elbow.

She catches herself, her eyes widened and she put a hand to her mouth.“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, it’s just-”

“The prosthetics, I know, people are always staring at them when they first see ‘em, you’ll get used to it.” he said, smiling, revealing a dental augment that spanned three teeth wide on the upper-right side of his mouth, evening out until the middle where it’s pointed at the end like a fang.

“Where did you get Nacron technology from? That’s very high end,” Gabrielle asked, wondering why someone with an augment that expensive would be working a desk job.

“Somebody owed me a favor and I got it done, it helps with my other job,” he said, turning off the dish heater. “Are you the new nurse? I can get you situated over here.” He pointed to the monitor on the side of the desk looking outward.

“Oh, yes, that’s me.” Gabrielle went over and slid her card and went through the necessary prompts.

“Good morning, Jack,” a man with long white hair and fair features called out, dressed in the usual doctor garb, his voice was low and sounded aged, but his body looked no older than thirty. “Ah, the new nurse is here. I’m Dr. Gage” He smiled and bowed. “I hope our patients don’t give you too much trouble.”

“I’m just itching to get to work is all,” Gabrielle said, finishing up with her calibration into the hospital’s system and then turned around to face Dr. Gage.

Dr. Gage stood up. “We’ll need you to check on Elaine first, she’s still recovering, you can find out more about her state when you get her file.”

She straightened her uniform. “I’ll be right there, which room is she in?”

Dr. Gage smiled warmly, pointing her to the hallway to the left. “Room 204, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get to know you soon.”

Gabrielle turned towards the hallway but stopped herself in the middle of turning. “Why didn’t you say ‘she’ll be happy to see you?’”

Dr. Gage’s smile faded. “Because she hasn’t woken up yet.”

She turned around towards the door as she heard someone enter. As soon as she saw him, an image of him flashed into her head, he was there before she woke up at Elega, she saw him leaning over her, his hand touched hers, she realized that this was the man who put the markings on her finger, and that none of what she saw, none of Elega, was a dream. He also looked extremely familiar.

“Good morning Skyler,” Dr. Gage said, a smile returning to his face.


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Sat Sep 02, 2017 6:27 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, AneiDoru! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.

I'm struggling to somehow write about how much this story blows me with each chapter and how I'm literally squealing in excitement and glee as you reveal each detail about it. You have a wonderful talent when it comes to creative storytelling, and I love each of the chapters that I've read. I've never read a story quite like this one, which is a wonderful thing.

My thoughts on the grammar are the same ones as the previous chapters.

Though I do love how beautiful your description is, I found it hard to read through the big blocks of text at the middle of the chapter. I would suggest splitting them up into smaller paragraphs, but I also think you should probably wait to see what other people think. It might just be me.

This chapter really gave me a good idea of what Gabrielle is like. Just knowing that she became a nurse to help, rather than for the paycheck, gave me insight into who she is. Knowing that she's a kind person, her lack of reluctance about protecting Elega as the Maiden of Light makes a lot more sense. She knows that people need her and will gladly give them the help they need.

Like in the last two chapters, I'll move onto my specific thoughts for parts of this chapter!

Gabrielle wakes up to the sound of her phone’s loud beeping alarm. She set it to beep loudly because the other one that had harps and birds twittering was soft enough to sleep through.


The second sentence feels out of place when reading through this part. I don't think it's necessary - the reader can infer that she chose the louder alarm to wake her up because the other doesn't work well.

It was a cold January morning, it was finally 2049, and the buzz about the new year is still going strong. People back in the previous century were hoping and praying for flying cars, turns out that a new minority appeared instead, non-humans.

Non-humans are a category that all magical creatures and artificial life are stuffed into. Technology boomed so much in the current century that AI was able to achieve artificial superintelligence, with enough safety net rules that would ensure that mankind wouldn’t be eliminated in the process.


When I saw this, I admit that I reread the paragraphs. I was shocked that this story didn't take place in the present day! Though I had expected lots of world building when it came to Elega, I didn't expect that it would happen on Earth as well. But I love how you combined sci-fi and fantasy into one book - I love both of those genres!

My one critique for this part is how you included the idea of non-humans. It seems out of place with the rest of the story. I have some suggestions for how you can make it flow better if you're interested! Just tell me in your reply to this review and I'd gladly help you out.

Gabrielle turns around towards the door as she hears someone enter. As soon as she sees him, an image of him flashes into her head, he was there before she woke up at Elega, she saw him leaning over her, his hand touched hers, she realizes that this was the man who put the markings on her finger, and he looked extremely familiar.

“Good morning Skyler” Dr. Gage said, a smile returning to his face.


While the story being set in 2049 definitely shocked me, this part was what caused the excited squealing I mentioned at the beginning of the review! I love how you introduce two plot twists that the reader never saw coming, and how you executed those twists! I would have never guessed that she was working with someone who also went to Elega in their sleep, and I also never guessed that the person would be someone she used to know!

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

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Sat Sep 02, 2017 6:18 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hello AneiDoru,

I'm here to review as promised!

I think the story does a good job describing emotions. I like how you add colors and images whenever you're describing them, or how they transition from one thing to another. You just have to watch that it doesn't get tedious for the readers to read.

Overall, I think the majority of what you can improve in this chapter is that you've made it too long. A novel or a book is supposed to be about simply what is unique and different, not the mundane, but we literally are spending every second with this character. That's not how books usually operate now.

I mean, Dickens used to do it with books like "David Copperfield", but he was trying to increase his word count, and he would still skip vasts amount of time and just do some of the traveling in quick succession. I feel like with you going into her morning routine, you're giving us all the boring and the entertaining. Like, just jump to the entertaining. You're writing. You're trying to entertain.

So here are my reading notes.

It was a cold January morning, it was finally 2049, and the buzz about the new year is still going strong.


Tense issue. Should be Is.

Non-humans are a category that all magical creatures and artificial life are stuffed into. Technology boomed so much in the current century that AI was able to achieve artificial superintelligence, with enough safety net rules that would ensure that mankind wouldn’t be eliminated in the process.

Magical creatures are another story entirely, nobody knows when they first started showing up, but around 2030 laws started being made to give both the artificial and magical life forms rights, either out of fear of the human race being wiped out if they didn’t comply, or the kindness of humanity’s collective hearts. Still, life goes on, even though there are entire cities where only those who have metal in them can go into, those are few and far between.


Alright, so my main problem with this section is that it actually has nothing to do with stuff going on in the story. I know, I know, the information is needed for later events in the story for me to understand the complexities this world has created. I need to know this information so that I can understand when she runs into X or Y that it's not some freak occurrence, and that it's actually necessary for me to have a history lesson in the middle of the book. I get why you feel that way. I've done it too.

Ultimately, if you can't explain it in a sentence or two during other stuff going on, it's too much.

For instance, you explain who the doctor is wonderfully. You have her doing stuff, her thinking, and her contemplating why she wants to be there. This, doesn't have her in it at all! Now unless she thinks like a lecture professor, I don't think it's necessary.

You can put it into the story in bits and pieces and have the information absorbed much more effectively. After all, that section is probably going to be one that most people skip because there's no action.

I didn't skip it because I'm editing, but most people will, and if most of your audience doesn't get the information here, then they need to get it elsewhere, like when she's actually running into a problem with an AI or a magical creature. Once they show up in the story, then you put in snippits of the information, and if you want to make the story realistic, you can have the AI upset that they weren't given rights until just recently when the magical creatures came along. Work it into characters, don't just dump it on the reader.

I feel like this kind of continues when you're talking about Skyler, and yeah, Skyler is in the office, but why not have her think about him AFTER she sees him? I feel like the chapter should start after she parks and walks in. Like, unless it's important that there is a dome on top, or that it's just a two story building, then start with "Welcome to Gage Hospital" and go on from there. If it IS important, than go ahead and start with "It was a large two story building" but honestly, you can comment on that when she's walking around the place by doing something active like making her tired after going all over the building on her first day because even though it's two stories, it's huge.

The more you engage your readers with things she's feeling, and I don't mean feelings, but sensory touch, and smell, and sight, and taste, and hearing, the better this story is going to be. Right now you're on the pendulum of internal thought and external action that's too far towards internal thought. Bump it down a few notches and the story will move faster, and you'll be able to add in spurts of her internal drama when there's actually drama to be had.

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AneiDoru says...


I'm going to include how she's feeling after Skyler walks in in the new chapter, that's the point of a cliffhanger, to hold back information for the next chapter. I removed what you wanted me to remove, and will add it in later in the story. I hope it's to your liking



AneiDoru says...


I can't remove the drive there, because what she's feeling and thinking is important, and I can't remove her waking up, it would be too much of a jump. I removed two paragraphs but that's the most I can remove.



Aley says...


Mm, well I can understand you want her feelings on the drive there since it builds her character a little, but I'm not sure why you felt you needed to keep her waking up.

Either way, I'm glad my advice helped you.



AneiDoru says...


The reason why I wanted to keep the waking up part was, if i didn't, what would the segue be? It would throw readers off, and I don't want to do that. I hope you understand.




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