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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

The Light Maiden's Mark, Chapter 6 - Black Blood

by AneiDoru


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Gabrielle woke up back at Elega, strangely not feeling sleepy at all. Her bed was warm from her body heat, and was so comfortable that she didn’t want to get up. Reluctantly getting up from her cozy bed, a pair of white slip on shoes sat at the foot of her bed. Smiling warmly she slipped the shoes on. She got up and walked out of her room and into the hallway. Fira noticed her and stopped mid-walk to talk to her.

“Oh, good morning!” she said, giving her a wave.

“Lunara said that before I went to sleep, I think she was trying to confuse me.” Gabrielle put a hand to her head - even though she said the right thing about being asleep on Earth while being awake here, it still hurt her brain a bit. She hadn’t gotten over it quite yet. “By the way, what do you think about this?” She held up her hand and showed Fira the markings on her finger.

“Wow, I didn’t see that before, it’s so small.” Fira looked closer “I’d have the Mystic check it out, she’s better at these kinds of things than me, I just hit stuff with a sword.” she shrugged, then walked away.

Walking downstairs, she confronted the mystic with the markings. “Oh, my, I didn’t see that before. It seems to be Zoriyan magic, that’s a very rare sight, I know very few users of it since it’s so ancient. Where did you get this?”

“N-nowhere.” she mumbled, her face turning red.

Looking closer at the markings, the Mystic grinned and gave her a knowing look. “Who’s the lucky man?”

“W-what are you saying?” Looking for any other person in the room to help her situation, and finding no one, her face became even redder.

“A mark like that means you belong to somebody.”

“What?! He never told me-” Slapping her other hand over her mouth, she realized she may have just said something that could be easily misunderstood. “N-no this isn’t- We’re not- I’m not- Ohh.” Groaning, she threw her hands onto her head, confused and angry at the whole thing.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to kiss and tell, darling,” the Mystic cooed, batting her eyes at her.

“He’s going to get a piece of my mind when I see him again!” Balling her hands into fists, she angrily stomped the ground.

“What’s going on?” Fira peeked out from behind the corner of the staircase.

“Gabrielle has a boyfriend, those markings are basically a promise ring,” the Mystic said haughtily.

“No!” Gabrielle squeaked, throwing her hands in front of her. “Don’t tell her that! Now she’s got the wrong idea too!”

“Boyfriend? Sounds nice, I’m jealous,” Fira said wistfully.

“Everyone cut it out, there is work to be done,” Shai said while walking down the opposite staircase. She carried a large white flower-like bulb, about as big as an orange. She went up to the two girls in a brisk pace, tossing the bulb at Gabrielle. Fumbling and then getting a hold of the bulb, Gabrielle looks up at Shai, confused.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“You are going on a scouting mission. Parliament said it was safe enough for you to go in alone, but I convinced them to let you have the shielding device I just gave you. The carriage to take you to the border is outside waiting.”

Taking the bulb into her arms, she looked at Shai reluctantly. “Are you sure about this?”

“I’m not, that’s why I gave you that bulb, good luck,” Shai said, waving goodbye and walking back up the stairs.

Turning around and going out the doors, a horse drawn carriage waited for Gabrielle outside. She awkwardly walked past the driver and got into the vehicle. The carriage rocked into action and rumbled along the road. She peered out the window as the town rolled past. Noisy pedestrians walked closely around, sometimes casting a short glance inside. She had her hands pressed to the glass, she stared blankly out the window, watching the crowds pass by.

The town slowly faded away into the distance, and nothing was left to look at but white ground and bleached, leafless trees. What came into view made her worried, the ground beyond the white landscape was completely black. She turned away and looked to the white bulb sitting next to her. Why a bulb? She didn’t know if it would work, and she wasn’t even told how to use it.

Reaching the edge of the border, the carriage slowed to a stop. She stopped to wonder why it was only her that was chosen, and if Fira and Lunara had to do the same thing when they first arrived. Grabbing the bulb and stepping out of the vehicle, she looked to the driver, who gave her a nod and gestured towards the dark landscape that laid only yards in front of her. She took in a deep breath and squeezed the bulb tightly to her chest, she went over the border. Overwhelmed with worry, she felt stiff from bracing herself so hard, her heartbeat pounding heavily in her ears. Going deeper into enemy territory, even her own footsteps made her jump.

Scratching noises pierced the silence, she only noticed now that the ground had man sized holes on the edges of the main stretch of land, though the ground was so dark, they were hard to see. Many short creatures with black skin crawled out of the holes. They were nose-less, with black eyes that had no pupils or irises, they had claws on their hands and feet and were extremely lankey. She heard the horse drawing her carriage neighed loudly in fear, the driver started shouting for the horse to calm down. She looked back just as they turned to run

“Wait!” she shouted, turning around and trying to run away from the strange creatures. One of them twitched its long black antennae that rested backwards across its head.

“Fresh meat!” One of them said. They all turned towards her, and a few of them lunged at her at the same time.

Gripping the the bulb even tighter, she prepared for the shield to activate. Cold fear ran through her and her heart raced. A low boom rang out from her left, flinging the strange creatures back and knocking her over, the bulb slipping out of her grasp. Rolling over to get up, Skyler was standing next to her. He turned towards a group of the small imp-like creatures and his arm morphs into a long black blade. With one sweep, he cuts through one swathe of the creatures, who screech and dissipate.

“It’s The Forsaken One, get him!” One of the creatures squeaked, the rest then started screeching and crawling towards him.

“How did you do that with your arm?” Gabrielle called out to him.

He took a forward swing with his arm blade, cutting through another chunk of creatures. “I’ll explain later,” he said, turning towards the creatures that gathered over to the right that were hissing and chucking little black rocks and bits of dead tree roots in their direction. The rocks lightly bounce off of him, and he stares at them with disapproval. They stopped tossing whatever they could throw, and looked at each other.

Skyler kneeled down and took one step forward, digging his foot into the ground, the blade his arm turned into grew, and with one sweeping motion, cut through the entire wave of enemies in front of him. The rest of them looked on in shock as they heard the death cries of their brothers and sisters.

“He’ll kill us all, run!” They all scattered, most frantically stampeding and pushing over each other to get to the holes in the ground to escape, some ran into the distance. Skyler gave a sigh of relief as he stood back up, his arm morphing back to normal. Gabrielle reached for the bulb that was lying on the ground, only for him to pick it up instead.

“What were you doing out here? You just woke up yesterday, those Darklings could have killed you,” he said, crouching down to his knees and handing her the bulb.

She quickly took it. “That doesn’t matter. I need to talk to you!” She demanded angrily. “The markings, the Mystic said they meant I ‘belonged’ to you, why didn’t you say anything?” she shouted, rolling over onto her hands to get up, she wondered why he kept such important information from her, she felt betrayed, anger was welling up inside her again like before. “They attacked me anyways, and they attacked you too! Why would you lie to me like that?” she said, turning towards him and gripping the bulb for dear life.

“I wasn’t lying, I just didn’t expect some very sudden things to happen,” He said remorsefully. “If I had known the old Dark Centaur clan teamed up with the most dangerous Warlock in the multiverse, I wouldn’t have said that. I was sure that everything was going to be fine, but they took the throne. Now I’m afraid the war is going to start up again”

“What? Wait, don’t try to change the subject! You… You should have asked me first before putting those markings on me,” she said coldly, still spurned by his decision to not ask her first.

“And how would I have asked that exactly? You were asleep, that was the best way I knew how to at least assure your safety until you were powerful enough to hold your own out here,” he said, stepping towards her.

“On earth, I saw you at the hospital, you could have done it there, why didn’t you?” she asked, stepping away from him and making her body rigid, a strong feeling of resentment welling up in her chest along with anger.

“I didn’t want you to worry about me,” he mumbled, gripping his chest.

“What?” Her body softened, worry about him? Why? Was something wrong? He was gripping his chest, did he get hurt? Her anger and resentment all but disappeared, she didn’t want to be, but she was instantly worried about him,.

“I was at the hospital for a reason, not because you were there, either,” he said, throwing off his trench coat. Pulling his shirt up all the way and unraveling the blotchy black bandages underneath, she gasped when he revealed two black marks that went across his chest, one large, traveling diagonally down the left side of his chest, and a smaller horizontal one on the right, both had stitches in the middle and were weeping a black liquid.

“What’s that black stuff?” she said as she leaned closer, a look of concern on her face.

“Blood, my blood is black, not red.” he mumbled, turning away and re-bandaging his wounds.

“Oh, my god,” she said, walking up to him and putting her hand on his shoulder. She thought he was just there to see her aunt, she didn’t know that he was there for himself. Feeling instant regret, she grasped his shoulder firmly, she hadn’t thought about how he was doing until he showed her his wounds.

“It’s fine,” he murmured. With his back turned to her, she could see more black markings with stitches down the middle, two long parallel ones that went down each side of his back, stopping at his waist, and then two faded gray scars that cut across each of his shoulder bones.

“I don’t believe you,” she said sternly, once he finished bandaging himself up, she raised her hand away from him, dropped the bulb, and placed both hands on each of his shoulders, pushing down firmly. “Sit down, you shouldn’t be standing when you’re hurt like that.”

“I told you, it’s fine, I’m fine, it’s alright,” he tried to assure her, she wasn’t having any of it though. She needed to take him with her so he can find a place to rest. “What are you doing?” he asked as she pushed down harder, making him get down to his knees.

“You’re wounded, and I’m going to get you to safety whether you like it or not,” Gabrielle demanded, grabbing his trench coat, putting the bulb in it, and put it on him. She turned around and kneeled down, grabbing his arms and pulling them over her shoulders, she then grabbed his knees and lifted him up, giving him a piggy back ride.

“You don’t have to do this, put me down, I can walk I swear,” he pleaded, she shook her head in response, and started going towards the border. “No! I don’t belong there, you have no idea what they’ll do to me if you take me there!” he warned, trying to get his legs free.

“I’ll tell them we’re engaged, then they’ll have to take you in. The markings on my finger will be proof enough,” she said, grabbing his legs even tighter.

“You’d be lying to them, and you aren’t the lying type, remember?” he said, his face turning a light gray as he blushed.

“It’s not lying, technically, just trust me. I won’t let them do anything bad to you,” she said assuredly, they can work out the kinks later, right now, getting Skyler to safety was her primary concern.

“A-alright, fine, but don’t say I didn’t tell you so,” he said worriedly, and stopped trying to wiggle free.


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Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:15 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, AneiDoru! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.

I think your biggest problem with grammar in this chapter has to do with dialogue and run on sentences. This Tumblr post does a great job of explaining how to correctly write dialogue, while also giving some tips on how to improve aside from the grammar involved. I'd suggest checking it out sometime. It really helps. The only thing that's wrong with it is that dialogue tags after exclamation and question marks should be capitalized.

In the meantime, I'll try my best to explain how to avoid run-on sentences!

“Lunara said that before I went to sleep, I think she was trying to confuse me.” Gabrielle put a hand to her head, even though she said the right thing about being asleep on Earth while being awake here, it still hurt her brain a bit, and she hadn’t gotten over it quite yet.


Let's start with the first sentence here. Instead of a comma, you should be using some other sort of punctuation. Periods, hyphens and semi-colons are your best friends in a situation like this. The part before and after the comma are both independent clauses. They can stand on their own. You need to do a little extra work if you wanted them to make sense when put together.

Now let's go onto the second sentence. Another good rule with sentences is to make sure they don't get too long. While it may work in some situations, those situations aren't very often. You can also apply what I said about clauses here. Anything that can stand on its own should stand on its own, unless you have something to connect them with. Here's a couple of examples of ways you could rewrite that second part.

Gabrielle put a hand to her head, even though she said the right thing about being asleep on Earth while being awake here. It still hurt her brain a bit, and she hadn’t gotten over it quite yet.


Gabrielle put a hand to her head. Even though she said the right thing about being asleep on Earth while being awake here, it still hurt her brain a bit. She hadn’t gotten over it quite yet.


Gabrielle put a hand to her head - even though she said the right thing about being asleep on Earth while being awake here, it still hurt her brain a bit. She hadn’t gotten over it quite yet.


See what I did? I just switched out a couple of your commas with different types of punctuation. It's an easy fix for run on sentences, and you still have the option for a lot of variety. Another thing you can do with run on sentences is see if there's anything that is repetitive. For example, you don't need the line about her not being over it yet. You establish it earlier in the sentence.

That's the basic on run on sentences. If you need more explanations on it, don't be afraid to ask!

For the rest of this review, I'll focus on my thoughts about the plot of the story. As I've said before, you have a gift for interesting and creative story lines! I'm really curious about some of the things that you're hinting at in this chapter. I'll comment on two of the most intriguing parts of this chapter down below.

“It’s The Forsaken One, get him!” One of the creatures squeaked, the rest then started screeching and crawling towards him.


So it seems like Skyler isn't liked by the Darklings! That could be because he's a human, but you make a point about him being "The Forsaken One". These guys are the bad guys, and the bad guys in stories typically don't call the heroes by names like that.

“No! I don’t belong there, you have no idea what they’ll do to me if you take me there!” he warned, trying to get his legs free.


It seems like Skyler isn't liked by anyone at the moment. That's something that I find to be really interesting. My assumption is that the people that Gabrielle has been hanging out with don't like him because he possibly possesses dark magic. But my theory also suggests that there's some sort of bias against people with dark magic, or people like Skyler. I'm excited to see how this is going to play out in the next few chapters

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

Image




AneiDoru says...


I'll be sure to edit tomorrow, but right now It's extremely late.



AneiDoru says...


Also skyler is not a human, humans don't have black blood.



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Tue Sep 12, 2017 3:24 am
rosette wrote a review...



Hello AnieDoru!
I'm happy to see you've posted another chapter, and are continuing your novel thus far. :)
As usual, I will be sharing my thoughts and dropping in some opinion.

Slipping the shoes on, she got up up and walked out of her room. Fira was there, who noticed her, and stopped mid-walk to talk to her

This is minor, but Fira was where? "there" is vague, and doesn't tell me anything.
On another note, I'm glad to see Fira is back in the story. And her personality seems to be the same as I remember: "I just hit stuff with a sword." xD

Walking downstairs, she confronted the mystic with the markings. “Oh, my, I didn’t see that before. It seems to be Ziran magic, that’s a very rare sight, I know very few users of it since it’s so ancient. Where did you get this?”

“N-nowhere.” she mumbled, her face turning red.

Looking closer at the markings, the Mystic grinned and gave her a knowing look. “Who’s the lucky man?

Once more, I would like to know where the mystic is. Downstairs, yes, but like, where downstairs?
This also confused me a bit because the mystic is asking where she got it but if she knew what it really was, she would not ask that. And speaking of the mystic, she seems a little different in this chapter. Cooing and batting her eyes, haughtily saying Gabrielle has a boyfriend? For one thing, she's a mystic and it's hard to picture her like that, but on another note, when we were first introduced to her she was so cool and composed and mesmerizing. What happened? Now she sounds like some typical teenage girl.

Many short creatures with black skin crawled out of the holes. She heard the horse drawing her carriage neighed loudly in fear, the driver started shouting for the horse to calm down.

Now, that's creepy. But also vague. Short creatures with black skin and an antennae, who also talk. Can I get some more description on these creatures? For some reason, I'm getting a lizard-ish image in my mind, but I don't know if that's right. Do they have webbed feet or snouts or red eyes or what??
I want to know how Gabrielle feels about this. She's never seen these creatures before, she's got to be terrified. Yet you don't focus on her emotions. How's she feeling about this?

He took a forward swing with his arm blade, cutting through another chunk of creatures. “I’ll explain later.” he said, turning towards the creatures that gathered over to the right that were hissing and chucking little black rocks and bits of dead tree roots in their direction. The rocks lightly bounce off of him, and he stares at them with disapproval. They stopped tossing whatever they could throw, and looked at each other.

So this was weird. These creatures - Darklings - are supposed to be all grossly terrifying and such, yet they actually kind of sound cute here, throwing rocks and looking at each other like "what do we do now?" when Skyler shoots them a disapproving glare.
Why would they care what he thinks? A second ago, the only thought on their mind was ATTACK!!

Interesting that Skyler would show up at such a time like this. I mean, it was a little random, and he didn't exactly explain how he knew she would be there or anything. Just - Skyler to the rescue. Though Gabrielle ended up rescuing him in the end...

My comments in previous reviews on this novel remain the same. I would like to know more of how Gabrielle is feeling, her thoughts and the physical effect those thoughts have on her, i.e. sweating nervously, speeding heartbeat, etc. I still don't feel like I know her. Or even really, her feelings for Skyler.

Anyhow. I'm glad to see Gabrielle's progress as a Light Maiden. I'm curious as to what will happen with that; her whole job there. But for now, I'll keep on reading along. :^)
Thank you for sharing another chapter, AneiDoru!
Have a great day, and keep up the writing.

cheers!
~rosette




AneiDoru says...


I added to what she was feeling but someone told me to remove it.



AneiDoru says...


Also I can't add what she's feeling because it would be considered fluff.



rosette says...


If you spend too long expounding on it, yes, that is fluff, but I'm talking about little mentions here and there. This is bland without her feeling anything. Do you see what I mean?



AneiDoru says...


I do put in her feelings though, they are there multiple times in the chapter, I had to remove some because there was too much.



AneiDoru says...


I see multiple parts in the chapter where it says what she's feeling, I don't get where you are coming from here.



rosette says...


I'm sorry for the confusion :/
did you add some of her feelings in after this review?
Gripping the the bulb even tighter, she prepared for the shield to activate. Cold fear ran through her and her heart raced.

Because that italicized sentence is what I meant by giving little mentions here and there.
That's good!



AneiDoru says...


Yes, I did, I tried to do what I could.



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Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:39 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, AneiDoru! Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it!

I haven't read the previous chapters, but I'll try my best to follow what's happening.

Fira was there, who noticed her, and stopped mid-walk to talk to her.

This is just worded confusingly. I think "Fira noticed her and stopped mid-walk to talk to her." would make a lot more sense.

she shrugged, then walks away.

Accidental tense change.

Looking out of the window, the town rolled past noisy pedestrians walked closely around, sometimes casting a short glance inside.

Was this maybe supposed to be two sentences? It's very awkwardly worded, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.

What came into view made her worried, the ground beyond the white landscape was completely black. She turned away and looked to the white bulb sitting next to her, worried that she would have to use it.

Not only did you used 'worried' twice, but you really shouldn't tell the readers what Gabrielle is feeling. Use her physical feelings and actions to show how she feels. Show us that she's worried, don't just spoon feed the information to the audience.

. Rolling over to get up, she sees Skyler next to her. He turns towards a group of the small imp-like creatures and his arm morphs into a long black blade. With one sweep, he cuts through one swathe of the creatures, who screech and dissipate.

Tense change again.

I don't really know what's happened previously, but there's a lot of exposition, so I think I figured some of it out.

First: Get rid of that exposition. It's completely unnecessary to people who are reading the whole story straight through. It's just annoying to be told things you already know

Second: I want to address the dialogue. It's incredibly flat, and it doesn't really seem to me like it includes things people actually say. Try saying it aloud; if it doesn't sound quite right, then rework it to see if it can be a bit more natural. I'd recommend doing this for most of the dialogue in this chapter, as it's quite pervasive

Third: There's a lot of awkwardly worded sentences and instances of you just straight up telling the readers how Gabrielle is feeling. Show a lot more and tell us a lot less. The audience is not dumb, so as long as what you're saying is making sense, the readers are going to be able to infer what's going on and how your characters are feeling.

I also want to talk about the last bit. First, Gabrielle is in trouble and Skyler saves her. Next thing we know, he's no longer some badass hero, and Gabrielle is carrying him off into the sunset. I'm all for strong heroines, but it seemed like you were going in one direction, and then just did a 180 out of nowhere. It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me for both of those things to happen. Especially since Gabrielle doesn't seem to be some sort of badass heroine. Also, people are heavy, so Gabrielle would have to be pretty strong to carry him princess style. (I actually tried to carry one of my friends this way, and he's not large, and it was still difficult). I think him piggybacking on her would be a lot more plausible.

Overall, I think this just needs a stronger foundation. It has the potential to be something interesting, but there's currently a lot of issues that need addressing.

I'm happy to explain any of my points to you, if you need help. Just shoot me a pm or reply to this review, and I'll be at your service.

~Storm




AneiDoru says...


I finished editing, thank you for your input, I edited accordingly, if there's still problems, please reply to my reply.




And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
— Bartimaeus of Uruk