z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

They're Watching

by Amindor


The night is all that seems to be present, the open road in front of her being the exception. Her lantern isn't nearly enough to light her way, yet she trudges on with an urgency that goes beyond her sprained ankle and shaking hands. She has to keep going, whether she’s almost there or not. Of course, she also isn't certain where there is.

The old man told her to continue on this path until they found her, and he guaranteed that they would. (She doesn’t know who “they” are, either.) “Highway 55,” he called it. Apparently, it used to be a common freeway for people centuries ago. What an odd man he was. Everyone, even the other prisoners, claimed that he was deranged. They said that there wasn't such a place, that the old world was demolished, that all which was left was darkness. However, she believed him, and she made it out, and now she's here. It isn't her fault that she's alive. It isn’t her fault that they didn't take the risk as she did. She repeats this over and over in her head, as if to assure herself that it's not their blood on her hands.

The air is cold, which is unusual. She's never felt cold before, and she can't figure out how she recognizes it. Her feet have lost all feeling, and her teeth are, what’s the word, chattering. She wants to stop and collapse, but it only pushes her to keep moving forward.

Suddenly, as if her thoughts were heard, she sees a light up ahead. She walks faster, ignoring the limp in her stride. The old man was right.

As they get closer to each other, she sees a single person, and takes in the stranger’s features. They’re holding up a lantern, too, draped in a scarf and trench coat. They have the same short tomboy hair as her, and almost the same face. The only difference is the height and build. She’s bonier. They’re taller.

She slows down and stops. “I-Is this real?”

The stranger smiles. “Yes. You made it.” They suddenly stop and look above them. The astral sky above is twinkling and blinking more than usual. “But we mustn't speak here,” They say, lowering their voice. “They’re still watching.”

She nods. “O-Of course. I-I’m Kamil.”

They pull out a cloak and toss it to her. “Margo. Come on; we’re not far now.”

She throws the cloak on and takes their outstretched hand, and they keep moving. Not daring to speak, they let the distant small humming above fill the silence.


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235 Reviews


Points: 2200
Reviews: 235

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Fri Jan 05, 2018 10:31 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Amindor! Storm here for a review, so let's get right into it!

The night is all that seems to be present,

This seems a strange, roundabout way of putting this. I understand what you mean, but it doesn't seem to be the best, clearest way to say it.

Of course, she also isn't certain where there is.

'Of course' probably isn't what you want to use here. It implies that it's obvious to the readers, which, from the information given, it isn't. I think 'Although' is a better choice of word.

Her feet have lost all feeling, and her teeth are, what’s the word, chattering.

For this interjection, I'd recommend you use dashes and put a question mark. Like this: Her feet have lost all feeling, and her teeth are- what’s the word?- chattering.

I think you did a very good job for the length of this piece. Your description was top-notch, and in general, the writing flowed very nicely. Your plot was a bit hard to follow. I mean, this is flash fiction because of how short is it, but it's completely unclear what's going on. It's pretty obviously post-apocalyptic, but I think Kamil's escape(?) would have been more powerful if we knew what she was escaping from. We don't need her life story, but a small amount of background would help us understand a little more of why she left. Just showing her feelings about leaving wherever she was from would help this a lot. Giving us more of her feelings would probably also serve a dual purpose as it would improve her character as well.

Overall, I think it was a pretty good piece. Perhaps a bit vague, but there's not a lot to improve that when it's flash fiction.

Keep up the good work, and know that you're welcome to ask me questions in a reply to this review or a pm!

~Storm




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151 Reviews


Points: 3592
Reviews: 151

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Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:12 am
Junel wrote a review...



Hey there, this is very intriguing and it really leaves me wanting to know more.

First I want to get the boring nitpicks out of the way.

(She doesn’t know who “they” are, either.)

The parentheses here are unnecessary. Also the paragraph this is in feels long, it could probably be split up a bit.

However, she believed him, and she made it out, and now she's here.

I think getting rid of the bolded would make this flow slightly better.

they let the distant small humming above fill the silence.

This sentence could be smoother and seeing as it's your last you want it to end your piece strongly. I think even just switching the places of the bolded words would help along with the addition of a comma between them.

My last comment for suggestions is I feel like your first few lines could be a bit stronger. You are missing any sort of hook that might make the reader truly interested. Of course, by the second line, you had me wondering where she was going and why she had to be going so urgently, but as the writer, you have to assume that someone might not be willing to go that far in to be interested. Maybe pull a bit off that more interesting and mysterious stuff up to the first line.

Overall you did an amazing job on this, you've added just enough information and description to make it clear, and you didn't go overboard like many tend to want to do. This does, of course, leaves the reader with a load of questions like... Who's blood? Why has she never felt cold? Who is watching? just to name a few. These sorts of questions keep your story on the reader's mind even after they've finished because they want to know.

Great job, I truly enjoyed reading this. I hope my review is helpful to you in your writing endeavors.

Sláinte -Junel




Amindor says...


Your review certainly has helped; I wasn't even aware that some words were bold. I do agree that my first lines could be stronger. Thank you!




Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
— Mark Twain