Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
"You're a freak," my father said. "You're a disgrace." I could smell the alcohol in his breath as I helped him up the steps to our apartment.
"Stop it. You're just drunk, dad." I refrained from almost crying. I knew he didn't mean it.
"No I'm not. I'm perfectly fine." He laughed and stumbled as we finally made it to the front door.
"Where are your keys?" I checked his pockets.
"Whoa, whoa." He backed away. "What are you doing?"
"I'm looking for your keys."
"No you're not." He snickered. "I know what you're trying to do."
"Where are your keys?"
"I dropped them a few flights down."
"Wait here." I sighed.
Before I could hear him say anything else, I rushed down the stairs to find them. Gladly, it wasn't like this all the time. My dad rarely ever got drunk. But he did enough times in my life for me to deal with it.
Suddenly I saw them all the way at the bottom, and I raced down there. As I picked them up, though, I heard someone scream, and I looked up to see a girl, staring at me, eyes wide. She stopped and sighed, laughing.
"Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. You scared the shit out of me."
I smiled. "It's okay." I was kind of used to people screaming at me. The way I looked was nowhere near normal.
She paused before speaking again, a bit of awkward silence slipping in. "Do you live in this building?"
I nodded. "I live just a few flights up. What about you?"
"I actually just moved here a week ago. I live on the first floor."
"Oh, really? Where are you from?"
"Before we came here, I lived in Virginia. But then my dad got a job transfer and we ended up here."
"Sounds cool. What's your dad's job?"
"He's a photographer for the New York Times."
"Wow. That's awesome. Do you like to take pictures, too?" I stared at the camera hanging around her neck.
She nodded. "Yea. I want to be a photographer, at least."
I smiled, nodding. Before I could say anything else, though, I heard my father's slurred voice calling my name.
"Who's that?"
"Oh, that's just my dad. He's kind of had too much fun tonight with the drinks, if you know what I mean."
She chuckled. " Sure sounds like it. It is Thanksgiving break, after all."
"Yea. But all this fun won't last. Before you know it, school will be right around the corner again."
"That's true. What school do you go to?"
"I go to Townsend Harris High School."
"Really? I'm going to start enrolling there when school starts up again. Maybe you can show me around?"
"Of course I will. It's really cool. But also really big." I smiled.
"Well then I'll need all the help I can get." She smiled back.
That sudden awkward silence slipped in again. Thankfully, though, my father called my name again, causing her to laugh.
"Well, I guess, I better go."
"Wait." She searched through her bag and took out a sharpie, taking my hand and writing down a phone number. "Text me sometime."
"I will." With one last smile, I started to walk up the steps, but suddenly I turned around again. "What's your name?"
"Jennifer. What's yours?"
"I'm Vincent. Have a good night."
And with those last words I finally walked up the steps to my still drunk father, who was sitting on the floor and laughing for some unknown reason.
"What took you so long?"
"Sorry. I was talking to someone."
End of chapter
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hello there, I'm writer12345 and I'm here to give a review!!!
(just a thought)
First of all, your dialogue is pretty good. And that actually drew me into your story. Good job!!!
And the whole chapter moved on with a really nice flow. And I understood what the narrator is going through right now. The only problem is the lack of descriptions. I mean you can tell the reader some more about the father; rather than the information provided by the dialogue, it's best if you add some descriptions and tell us what the narrator thinks about him. And I really like to know more about Vincent (narrator.) He seems like a patient kid.
And you could tell us more about Jennifer too.
And you can try to describe the places as well. What does the building they live in look like? what color is it? is it old? something like that would help the reader to gain a better idea about the surrounding.
Overall this is a great chapter and I'm sure I'll read the next one too. And I'm really eager to know more about Vincent and his family.
Keep writing and have an amazing day!!!
writer12345
Hey, there! Lefty here to review!
I really liked the way you started it. The dialogue opening pulls you in and the interaction between his father is not only entertaining, but it tells us a lot about Vincent, his father and a bit about what their home-life and relationship is like. With that, you said a lot with a little, which is great for giving some quick context to the story up front.
It was a good introduction of all of the characters and I didn't find any typos at all, which is impressive.
Their conversation was a good way of introducing the characters to each other, but it seemed like it could use more. More personality, description, character... What they talked about made sense, but it also seemed very basic and maybe slightly forced. It was a bit like ping pong, where one would answer a question, and immediately ask it back. That is pretty normal for a conversation, but I think you could leave out some of those questions back, but still have them answer. Like, for instance:
He asks her what her name is, and she answers. It wouldn't be strange for him to respond with his name, because it's pretty common that when someone gives you their name, you give them yours, whether they ask for it or not. So it could be something like:
Also, sometimes the way the questions were asked were said in a way that sounds a bit stiff, like they're interviewing each other. Like:
The "where are you from" may not be necessary, and the way they answer questions could have a little more personality. Like:
Obviously these are just examples to help make my point. You should definitely write your story the way you want to. I hope what I said makes sense. If it doesn't let me know and I can try to elaborate. It might be worth reading back over their conversation and look at how they ask and answer the questions, and see if there's a way to make it flow a bit better.
Besides that, everything else was great. I really liked how you started it. The characters are likable, your grammar is quite good and their interaction was sweet. I'm already rooting for them, because they would make a cute couple!
I'm really curious to keep reading and learn more about Vincent and what his life is like. Overall, good job! I'll be back to review Chapter 2 in a bit.
Keep writing and have a nice day!
-Lefty
-This review was brought to you by Team Sub Zero-
(We won't stop reviewing until the green room hits zero)
Hello there!
Your story proved quite the pleasant read, and hence I decided to review it, so here goes! :3
Starting your narrative with a dialogue was really effective here, especially due to how our protagonist is called 'A freak' drawing us into the story to find out, well, why is he called so?
The word choice of 'freak' is strong here, and following this with 'a disgrace', 'disgrace' being another strong word, also makes us wonder what such actions have been performed to make the protagonist called as such.
I think it's worth mentioning here how instead of TELLING us that the father was drunk, you skilfully used the 'smell of alcohol in his breath' instead, which is a rather nice touch.
The structuring you employed here with the centre aligned sentences was well done, considering how there are so many dialogues, and made the writing that much more striking. Overall, I personally felt like this contributed highly to the flow of the story as well.
While you established the setting of the conversation here from the get go with 'steps to our apartment', the use of recognizable nouns ('Virginia' and 'New York Times') give us more information on our protagonists' world.
The starting of the story, and later 'used to people screaming at me', evoke a sense of sympathy for the character. The conversation between Vincent and Jennifer make him come across as likeable, due to the humour utilized for managing the awkward situation.
You haven't peppered your piece with description, but I reckon this is due to what as a writer you want to accomplish. Perhaps, by ceasing to describe Vincent now, later on the story instead you will reveal the physical qualities or traits, how and why he looked 'nowhere near normal'. It's a comfortably progressing read hence. Still though, the descriptions which you weave into your writing could very well make it that much more fascinating, and well, stand apart. Right now there isn't anything particularly too special in the story, which would make it clearly triumph over others, while it is still indeed one well-written, with masterful utilization of narrative techniques! If certain characters are going to be frequent features inside the story, well, it would probably be worth describing how they appear and what not maybe just once at least, no? Obviously of course, you are the one most knowledgeable of the effect you are trying to get across - and owing to how you are going for a chain of chapters, the quirks and what not of your story will be revealed later I assume, so yeah. :p
In conclusion, a great piece of writing with smooth utilization of narrative techniques, with a protagonist we both care for, and are intrigued of.
Looking forward to reading more from you!
Good luck!
Nice way of presentation. The way of introducing characters is refreshing.Hope to read the second chapter soon.
Keep going.
All the best
Hey there, Amindor!
Well, it was a good introduction. It was almost an unexpected scenario, but that's always good, keeps the readers entertained and interested!
The dialogue between the characters was very casual, which was highly appropriate, due to the situation with Vincent's drunk father. The characters were nonetheless interesting; Vincent came across as very likeable, so mission number one accomplished! The main character is likeable!
The only thing I would suggest is although the style you have used, using more dialogue and less description, is very effective and is a pleasant read, it would be ideal if you could describe the expressions, appearances and reactions more.
Other than that, it was a great introduction and piece of writing! I hope you continue to write this story, my friend!
MissLyricz x