The dawn of time is very strange
With many conclusions, only one remains
It may be religion
It may be sin
Or maybe it's science
Or our souls within
Maybe it's a molecule bursting into flames
Maybe it's a creator, or some with many names
Maybe it's nothing
As if forever we are one
Maybe we do die
And our journeys are done
Maybe we were made from the very dirt of the earth itself
Maybe we are characters in books on an old bookshelf
Maybe we are aliens and do not even know
Maybe this isn't reality
And we're the dreams of long ago
Maybe nothing that anyone believes is really true
And we're just bluffing with thoughts to desperately get through
No one really knows the beginning of our time
And perhaps that's a good thing
For it could be a crime
To contain a secret so powerful, it must be very weary
It crushes everything with truth
And makes our hearts very dreary
And even though our curiosity does linger still
Some things should be left unknown
In spite of it's thrill
Perhaps no one will ever know the truth
Like I said, though, it's a good thing
For we need to live
With passion
With happiness
And glorious youth
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello again Amindor,
It appears we're going to be friends today!
So this is definitely a stronger poem than the last one I reviewed. It's a little bit cliche, but personally, I enjoy poems of questioning. I'm a bit of Neitzschean thinker so I love when people are willing to question the world around them. I've got some suggestions that I hope can help this poem along!
The first thing again deals with rhythm. This poem is much nicer in that regard, but the problem is that it does really well in some places and then has a few odd points that tended to hold me up a bit. Just take a few reads through it and try to make sure that rhythm is consistent throughout. If not, ask yourself why it isn't. Were you trying to add emphasis to that line? Could that emphasis be made in a stronger fashion?
My poetry professor at the moment likes to tell us that the first and last line of our poems should be the strongest. I don't generally agree with her exactly, but I can say that felt like last line here was kind of underwhelming. Part of it is that it goes against the rhythm of the poem, and part of it is because I don't feel like youth really goes with the two prior qualities you say we need. I guess I'm left to question what is so wonderful about youth? Can not great things be had in older age? Can passion or happiness not be had unless we are youthful? I just didn't feel like it fit in with the rest of the poem.
The last thing I would say is that typically, when one is working with a sort of cliche topic, it can be a good thing to keep away from the telling and try to do a little more showing. Try to make the reader work a little harder for that message. After all, it is a message many of us have heard many times; go out and try to make it new and exiting, make us think we're hearing it for the first time.
Again, hope this helps. I'll stop stalking you now unless you want me to continue
-H.o.H.
Hey Amindor! I must say, I love your poem here! This is a topic I think a lot about, as depressing as it is, and I think you have done a wonderful job portraying it! You seem to have thought over all the options, and have picked the best known ones, which I like. Picking well known ideas can help your reader connect with your poem in ways they might not be able, if you had written this differently. I like your rhymes, and I can tell that those, too, are well thought out. However, you might like to work out the format and the pattern your going for, so as to make things run a bit smoother. You seem to be going for an "A" "B" "A" "B" pattern here, and that type of rhyming usually uses stanzas to help organize everything, although it is not a necessity. If you did change it, it might make your poem sound a little better. When read out loud, your poem sounds a bit like a really, really long run-on sentence, so punctuation would be recommended. The stanza format would also help with that issue. Other than that, you don't really have any errors, so good job! I'm a nitpicker, so please excuse the scrubby review. On the upside of me being so detail-oriented, it takes a really sneaky error to get by me, and seeing as I can't find any errors, I'm impressed! Overall, I am very fond of your poem, and I hope to see more of your work!