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140,854 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I dislike using "butterflies in his stomach". It's a near cliche way to show that he is uneasy.
What effect are you intending with a simile for "panic button"? It doesn't seem to fit well.
I think you can also omit "it as his turn now". It doesn't seem necessary to me.
"They were just empty" would have been a much more powerful phase to the audience if it was a broken off and made as a new sentence.
Now that simile I like, as it represents Collin well.
"the lecture".
"too".
The characterization here seems forced. Melissa is suddenly happy with the idea of displaying her affection to Collin?
Overall impressions:
Overall, I like this, there are plot and character developments occurring than the last chapter. Hades is shown to be quite an antagonist to Colin due to his manipulative and stalker-ish type of behaviour against Colin.
Like last time, I'll just cover what you could improve on. Firstly, I find the romance lukewarm at best. It doesn't seem Melissa gave much thought on why she decided to kiss Colin, but seems more of an impulsive sort of thing. I would really you to show some hints as to why she likes Colin. A kiss is a powerful display of love, and if a person has a desire to kiss someone else, I'm pretty sure there is some thought/ internal conflict before hand to decide if such an action is appropriate. Colin may seem like quite a nice and innocent guy, but is does that alone merit Melissa's actions?
And why is Melissa suddenly comfortable with the idea of kissing Colin in public?
I think you should focus on Melissa's reasons for liking Colin in such a way. Consider background influences (eg: Does she belong in a family where she is not respected, hence making it seem feasible that she likes Colin since Colin respects her?), character similarities and differences (eg: What Melissa lacks, Colin supplements her) etc. Right now, I don't understand fully as to why she decides to kiss Colin.
Another point I want to make is how I didn't like the emphasis placed on the physical appearance of Melissa at the time.
When I read it, I had a slight feeling that the romance was more on the physical appearances rather than the characteristics of the characters themselves. This makes the romance seem unconvincing since it swings more on physical attraction than liking another for whom they are. What would work better in my opinion is if Melissa discusses her feelings for Colin in a mature manner before they move their relationship up. It shows reasons as to why Melissa likes Collin and whether or not Colin is comfortable with the idea. It will make Colin consider her friendship for Melissa and whether what emotions, thoughts and opinions they've shared is worth it to be moved up the next level. That is much more convincing, as both characters have to integrate themselves as a character and how it will work out in a romance type relationship.
Another thing was that the kiss scene occurred in a toilet. A toilet is a place where a person would go to do their private business. Rebels in society would manipulate the private sanctuary of the toilets in order to conduct more sinister acts which are looked down by the society (eg: smoking in toilets, drug dealing, beating someone up in the toilets etc despite it being such a unhygienic place).
These my opinions only, but I hope you will consider them. Hope my review helped.
*removed*
Chapter 16.
This sentence reads kinda incomplete. There should be another phase to it.
Should there be a question mark after "puzzle"?
"Hissing air"? I get what you mean, but I don't think you used the right word to describe it.
The problem with this part is that it all happens too quickly and as a result, there isn't that much showing of how Colin feels or reacts when he heard the sound. If you hear a sudden sound, I'm pretty sure you would take some time to reflect on what it is.
I quite like this bit, as I'm sure a lot of people can associate with it.
Overall impressions:
Firstly, the chapter is called "Suspect number 1", yet, about 75% of the chapter has little relevance to it. It was mostly about Collin meeting up with his friends and chilling out together.
There seems to be two different points to this chapter: Collin chilling out with his friends and Hades' stubborn suspicion of Collin as a murderer. However, there is little connection between these two points. You could basically not show that Hades is still suspecting Collin and it won't change the overall idea of the chapter at all. But if you do that, then there's no relevance in having that particular chapter title. I'm thinking that you should either find a way to link the first point (Collin chilling out with his friends) with that of Hades' suspicion of Collin. By that, I mean doesn't Collin's friends have any suspicion that he could be the one that murdered Lamont? Why do they trust him so dearly? What about the society (i.e the passengers in the travelling sequences), why do they not fully suspect him as a murderer?
I just think there isn't a strong enough conflict between Collin and his friends at times. Some of the conflicts that they have don't really have much of an impact on the novel as a whole.
The second problem that I have is your pacing. There were moments where I think you should had added more emphaisis on certain scenes (eg: When Collin is with his friends). I think you are too focused on showing mundane things that do not have a big impact on the novel. Because you show that, the pacing feels rather uniform and even. However, when there is an opportunity for further characterisation and important plot points, you don't elaborate on it further since the pacing is so evenly spread out. Hence, when you are rewriting this, you need to tighten up your narrative structure. The Hades' scene could had been a lot more powerful, but it feels luke-warm; he doesn't fit the role of an antagonist that well.
Lastly, I wonder as to why you chose to link emotions to magic. There doesn't seem much of a focus to it. Personally, I think there should be. What is the point of linking emotions to magic? What sort of conflicts occur because of this? I won't go into too much detail with this point as I want you to think on this a bit more. I just feel you aren't using this concept to the fullest potential.
I hope this helped.
Andy.
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Finally, chapter 14.
Capital "w".
"All".
"Gate".
Seems kinda redunctant to mention how old it is.
I have a feeling of Chekhov's gun here. Is Collin going to be saved later on at the last minute by it? I hope not, it will seem unrealistic.
Overall impressions:
Pretty good chapter, it looks like the new few chapters will take the plot to a new level. I quite like the bubble messenger. It was good comic relief and gave us more of that Collin/ Mel conversation. Also liked how you describe the transport system in the chapter, it paints quite a good picture for someone who hasn't really experienced it before.
I think you could have explored as to how Collin and Luke would react when they were waiting for the transport. I'm pretty sure they don't sit idle for that long now. You might think that it is irrelevant, but I would have done it to characterize them more.
Also, the guardian near the end seems kinda sterotypical as a character in terms of being the helper. He gives Collin the items necessary as well as foreshadowing a future conflict. Many narratives have such a character. Here, idea hasn't been deviated much from the sterotype. However, considering as he is only a minor character, I think it isn't much of a main issue.
Overall, a good chapter. Keep writing and finish it!
Andy.
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Hey Adam. Sorry if my critique of this chapter was a bit delayed, I was tired last night and decided to hit the sack. I've printed chapter 14 out and was reading it as I was having lunch with my parents. Using my blue pen, I marked the places where I thought it was rather weird or that it needs more work. I'll be transferring the notes over as well as adding some additional ones as I type this up:
It's a good start to the chapter. You might want to be more specific as to how death had a devastating effect in Atlantis.
Here, you might want to ensure that the dialogue goes into greater depth as to why and how Melissa would start to develop an attachment for Collin.
It seems so rough that you would use the word "silence" so closely together. Another problem is flow of the sentences. This is because you had two ideas which are similar in concept, but has polar opposite effects. It's like you were indecisive as to which effect you were planning to have here.
You seem to be quite fond of the word "silence".
"see a"
In my opinion, this thought bubble was rather random.
The transition from one scene to the next needs to be more evident and stronger. When I first read it, I thought that Isabella had materialized in the elevator and creating a large orb of water.
"From".
This might be the time to describe the flames a bit more.
Are you talking about Colin's skin or the wall?
I noticed that you used "shrugged" earlier. And it should be "how", not "ho".
"too" quickly.
Interesting.
Overall impressions:
A good chapter which was quite enjoyable to read and rivets the reader along quite nicely. I believe that I had my pen posed in my hand, reading this piece till the end. So well done to you on that.
Main issues for me would be 1. repetition of words 2. character interactions 3. constant use of thought bubbles and 4. the dialogue.
Firstly, I noticed that you used some words several times throughout the piece, such as"silence", "flushed" , "stared", "shrugged" ,"buzz" , "thought" etc. It really affected the piece, as it makes it feel tedious and not as fresh as it should had been able to.
Secondly, I think there should had been more character interactions happening in this chapter in response to certain actions or events. For example, near the beginning, how did Colin reacted when Melissa told him that she felt a bit of an attachment to Colin? I didn't really see anything that hinted that Colin actually reacted to Melissa's statement. Every action has a consequence, and you need to show that to make character vs character relationships more realistic and grounded.
Thirdly, I think you overused the device of thought bubbles. I dunno, it seems like you are info dumping to us as to how Collin felt. I mean I could understand it being used once or twice, but you came to it time to time again and it seems kinda telling. Considering a writer of your caliber, I think you are able to show us Collin's thoughts and emotions rather than presenting them in thought bubbles.
Lastly, the dialogue really needs more spice to it. Like the last chapter, the dialogue is alright, but it isn't particularly memorable or really reflects the characters in the story. It seems like typical every day dialogue that you would hear on the streets, in school or even the ones spoken out of your mouth. I mean we hear such dialogue every day in our lives, why must we use it in our fictional work as well? It's boring hearing the same way a person speaks. I think it could had been better worded.
Overall, it was a good read, not as good as your last two chapters (I'm biased towards action lol) but it does set up for future conflicts which are to occur in your fantasy.
Get your next chapter up eh?
Andy.
Nice chapter. I'm a bit lost, as I haven't read pervious entries, but I'll try to catch up. For now, 'll do what I can.
I think that if you put a full stop after 'sleep never found Colin' and put it into it's own paragraph, it would give the chapter a nice start.
I'm not sure, but shouldn't it be whilst? Or is it different in American English? (or maybe I'm completely wrong)
I think a comma after window would go nicely.
I liked this chapter. It really did seem that Colin was becoming an outcast, and there was plenty with which we could see into Colin's mind, so nothign wrong with the character there. There was plenty of emotion flying around.
I'll give it a gold star, but it should have more. I really respect the amount of effort and skill you've put into this.
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"gasps" Adam! Why didn't you tell me that you have a new chapter up lol -.-
I think there should be a comma in front of "quiet".
Comma in front of "thud".
A little nit pick here. The dialogue that followed before this one was well written and rather creative. This however seems a bit bland and rather trivial to the situation.
Shouldn't there be a full stop in front of "final"?
Comma in front of "feet".
Tears fell from her face and French spewed from her mouth.
Comma in front of "happened".
Comma after "breaths".
There is a comma missing somewhere in "won't".
It should be a question.
"Does".
Comma after "look".
If it was me, I would had put a comma after "instead" and replace the fullstop after man with a comma too.
Overall impressions:
This chapter is very good, but I'm a bit disappointed with some minor aspects of this otherwise well crafted chapter.
I love the imagery that you've used throughout the piece, and especially near the beginning. It is well thought out and really fits well with the current situation regarding the plot. The reason as to why I loved the imagery near the beginning so much is because it really gives an impression as to how helpless he is and how he is exiled from the very society of Atlantis itself. Kudos to you on that.
Dialogue was very well done, though at times, I thought it could had been a bit more creative and not be so trivial and obvious. I think that's partly one of the reasons as to why Zeus and the other members of the council doesn't hold much character development (more on that later).
Probably the main highlight of this chapter would be the actual plot itself. I enjoyed as to the many conflicts (both internal and external) which took place in this chapter as a result of the recent murder. Colin had his memories extracted, but was stopped by another member of the council that it is against the law to be taking a person's memory just to simply prove that Colin is guilty. This is rather interesting, as it makes the reader question the allegiance among the members of the council and their view point of Atlantis.
Colin is then left alone, but was later taken by both Sabrina and Luke in an attempt to deliver him to safety. That failed, when he was recaptured and was to be kept in a high security sanctuary within Atlantis, since he was a suspect of the murder. The members of the council debates amongst themselves as to what has happened as a result of the recent events and how they plan to deal with Colin, for they suspect Colin as the murderer and justice must be served. Two methods were brought up as to how to deal with Colin until they were reminded that Colin is innocent until proven guilty, showing the justice system that operates in Atlantis and very relevant to the plot itself. Colin is released for now, until he is proven guilty in which case, he would be subjected to the favored method of being exiled from Atlantis, which serves to be another important plot point.
Then we are shown more specifically as to the different view points of characters with the justice system of Atlantis. Cain is shown to be the son of Zeus, yet, they aren't close, for they have varying view points. Cain accuses his father, Zeus, for lacking sense due to his decision of sending Colin to the sanctuary, since Colin is not yet proven guilty yet. However, Colin was the closest one to the crime scene, which gives a feasible reasons as to why Colin should be kept in detention and also justifies Zeus's view point quite well. That's quite well thought out in my opinion.
I'm very interested as to what would happen next. The fantasy has a lot of vitality when it comes to the plot, and I can see why as to why you would slowly allow the reader to feel adjusted with Collin's new environment.
Now for the bad things. The first complaint that I'm making depends on really as to how someone (even the author) would view their story. For example, FFXII had moderate amounts of character development, for the story itself is based on political intrigue and the majority rather than the actual characters themselves, hence making it story driven rather than character driven.
In this case. the members of the council seem a bit bland, character wise. I felt as though they were somewhat like cameos taken from several mythologies rather than being adapted to being your characters. Don't get me wrong, you did try to define them in your fantasy, but I personally felt that they could had been more fleshed out. We aren't shown much on the individual characterization of Zeus or other members of the council, other than being shown their place in the plot of "Atlantis". I suggest that you try to flesh them out more, and make them feel more like your own characters.
I also think that Colin's actual thoughts and emotion could have been explored deeper. Though I do have some sympathy for Colin, there isn't much that really makes me think deeper about Colin's thoughts and feelings regarding to what is happening. It's kinda hard for me to actually explain this point, but I felt that a writer of your skill should be able to explore Colin's emotions and thoughts a bit further.
But overall, this is a very gripping and well written chapter, and I'm pleased that I've read the next chapter in this fantasy (even though I wasn't informed that it was up lol probably my fault).
I hope my critique helped.
Andy.
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Adam! I love the chapters that you put in, I know it sounds corny but I have nothing to critique. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! I can't wait to see what happens next
-Crystal
"They cannont hear you, child." The voice was sleek and disrupted, and had made Colin froze.
That's how I would write it. The one in the quotations is grammatically incorrect.
I think you can expand on this statement a bit more to give us more of an idea as to why Collin feels this way.
This can be split into two sentences. Right now, it feels like a run on.
This idea needs further elaboration. It feels a bit random at the moment. Is there a reason why Colin is feeling the way he does now? Can you link it with this chapter or from the previous chapter?
Did I miss something? Why is Bobby counting?
Comma in front of line.
A huff.
I believe that if "A mistake" is just one sentence, rather than being part of a sentence, it would have been more powerful in its meaning.
Lol. This is the first time you've used a bad word (from my memory). Considering Atlantis is situated beneath the sea and isolated from the modern society, I think that if you replace "ass" with your own form of cussing, then it would work much better (given the context that it was used in).
Omit "he had", as we should know that Colin had tissues in the first place if he was lending them to someone else.
Capital letter in front of "she" for a new sentence.
Ownage dialogue! (gives you a stuffed moogle doll)
Bro, you forgot the question mark.
Hrmm can you expand on the reasons as to why his interest had crashed and burned? I mean the questions that he asked the professor made him seemed interested.
Comma in front of "courtyard".
The fullstop that is in front of stairs should be a comma.
Put an exclaimation mark instead of the full stop in front of "him". This guy seems badass and I should picture him shouting than speaking in a soft tone.
Overall comments:
A very hooking chapter! I like how Melissa is growing as a character with Collin. I'm quite interested in the relationship between them, now that they are being prosecuted by Hades. Hmm, very interesting turn of events. I notice that as I read on, one important theme that is developing is Collin having to deal with his emotions that influence him, both as a person and the type of magic that he can cast. I can sense this being very vital as the chapters continue.
I really have nothing negative to say about this. It was almost flawless in my opinion. One thing that I can say is that you should elaborate further on some of the statements and actions to draw out the greater signifiance. You did do that, but there were a few places where I think an idea or action can be developed more. It will add more depth and a more mind numbing read for the person that reads this. Scroll up for my line to line for examples and I'll also include the Hades appearing scene as another. You could had made a few more comments or show a bit more, making his appearance as "Master of Death" more suspenseful and fearful.
Overall, I thank you for this very enjoyable read.
Andy.
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Well well Adam. Guess I have to repeat myself again lol. This was another gripping chapter and one of my favourites. I love how you use your descriptions to show in greater depth as to what is happening. It really gives it that favour, that vibrant feeling that you would find in published works.
This is also reinforced with the dialogue and the wording of your sentences. It is evident that you have mustered a lot of thought and effort into them, allowing for a concise and pleasant read.
I really don't have much to critize on really. One thing that I think you can work on is defining the other characters. I feel as though they are overshadowed by Collin in character development, as Collin's character's quite strong on the reader already. Since this is chapter 11, I was hoping for some characters that were developed to Collin's degree or near it. Sadly, it's nowhere near as strong as Collin's. Your other characters are defined, it's just that they aren't growing if you get what I mean. As a result, I can't relate to the others as much as Collin.
I recommend that you should develop the other characters a bit further, as they seem inferior to Collin's development. Collin's developing nicely, but the others are hardly growing.
Overall, this was great and it was a pleasure to read this chapter. I believe that in chapter 12, things are gonna heat up.
Hope my critique helped.
Andy.
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Well let me get to the point: This was a gripping chapter. The way you thought about your words and sentence structure allowed a very clean and riveting read. Your descriptions were precise and accurate and did not wasted a single word.
This also had a postive affect on the characters too. Though you didn't show much of the emotion of the characters, your actions spoke louder. It was strongly told and was linkshowed what the characater felt at the time. When Collin was getting teamed up on, I actually felt a bit sorry for the poor fella. Lamont was quite a bad ass and I'm interested as to what further conflicts he will cause and how Colllin will resolve them.
Dialogue was another strong point in this chapter. It really shows their character and how they interact with the society they are in. This adds a high degree of realism in the conflicts and character interactions that took place in this chapter, not to mention that it was also well thought out
There was also some good humor in this, such as algebra in Atlantis lol. Funny
You made some minor grammatical errors which you can fix easily.
Overall, very good. My only concern now as how the other chapters will be linked together to the story. Guess I will have to find out.
Andy
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It's not exactly 1666, because modding comes first, but it's pretty close!
Anyway, here it is. And, halfway through recording, I realized that you had dial-up so... hopefully it won't bug you too much to download the files. I cut down the files as much as I could, so hopefully that will help, but yeah...
Also, this is only the first chapter. Yep...
Anyway! The files!
http://snoink.com/me/voice/writing/adam1.mp3
First section. 6.2 MB. 10:47 minutes.
http://snoink.com/me/voice/writing/adam2.mp3
Second section. 16.6 MB. 28:50 minutes.
http://snoink.com/me/voice/writing/adam3.mp3
Third (final) section. 6.1 MB. 10:36 minutes.
http://snoink.com/me/voice/writing/adam4.mp3
Conclusion. 4.8 MB. 8:21 minutes.
*Courtesy of SPEW*
Well I've already talked to you on what I've thought of this chapter so I'll summarize it here.
Basically, I can understand on why you were showing on how life has changed since he moved to Atlantis. It's described well and shows another aspect of the society of Atlantis.
However, it doesn't really drive the plot forward and sends the story into a stand still.
What's the point of having inner conflicts when they are not used?
Nevertheless, despite the boringness of the chapter, it was good overall. But you need to stop focusing on the society of Atlantis and to move the plot of the novel.
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Using their full names in the first couple dialogue tags is so info dumping and thick to read. XD Also, to non band people, I have no idea what a marimba is. You might want to add a random description so that we know.
I don't think the guy would have gotten out that quick--they would both be very dazed/stunned. I was very OMG after my crash. I think they'd be in a horrid condition, considering the speed the man was probably going--a bit more than dazed for the woman...*shrugs* I dunno.
What...? I don't like the "face white" part. It's too expected. Give us something brutal! Not the regular pale face and blood. does she have glass in her face...?
Ech! "He pulled on the handle. When it wouldn't open, he tried again--but still it wouldn't open." Just... anything besides what you have? It's really really weird, and "again he pulled" sounds SO weird because of the verb-subject oddity.
I think you should be less technical. don't say "Breathing resumed" say "she was alive" or something--be more human-compassionate-emotional rather than technical, you know?
wait... there are people there? You're going to want to consider this. It's the whole show us a gun before someone gets shot thing--tell us about the crowds before they start to cheer. (And if you did, I missed it, and it wasn't a big enough comment XD)
"Go now" sounds weird. Let's go now?
Ach. Change "made to get out" to "got out".
typo!
The actions here are weird--I can't understand them in a real life sense. What is happening...?
your sentences are all weird and backwards! Why not 'Colin needed the computer' or something...?
Eh--I can't finish quite yet. Sleepy, ya know?
What I can say so far is that it is very interesting! But at some points, a bit childish and sort of odd. The phone conversation with his mom and someone else makes me feel like you are rushing the story--It's all too weird too quickly, you know? And then him hiding under the bed... he's sixteen. Why is he afraid of an unknown AC guy? Sure, he might be someone else! But you didn't show his fear to the point that I can think, "Oh no! Hide under your bed, Colin! Someone is coming for you!" in fact, I saw no fear at all! I think you sort of rushed the story with the phone conversation thing--up until then it was really good.
I'll have to read more tomorrow
OMG Adam, I think I'm developing a strong liking for this story. This chapter rocked!!
The way you wrote this chapter, it kept me reading. The descriptions...so elegant and it flowed so gracefully.
The ideas in this...amazing! You gave us more insight on the magic system in Atlantis as well as how things work. It was very creative and I noticed that despite having benefits, there were also draw backs or restrictions to the magic/technology in Atlantis making things quite believable and realistic even for fantasy.
I was most impressed with how spells work. It is quite original that you used emotion itself to restrict spell casting. I believe it works very well and really helps prevent characters from being overpowered.
Overall, this kicked major butt! I am sold! I want the next chapter ASAP
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The word "computer" kinda killed the mood for me. This is a place of fantasy and by using the word "computer" it makes it seem too modern.
New not knew
Review:
Holy (beep)! I like your idea of Atlantis! It's like some magic/technology underwater city and it works very well. The way you describe the city and its various roles, so engaging and intruging. It makes the reader feel shakened up and leaves them for more. I wonder what conflicts will the city face? Guess I will have to find out.
There's a letter missing here.
was? And shouldn't it be the wind rushing past his ears?
O, I like your teleporting description. I find I usually struggle with those because I don't simply want to say 'the house vanished and he was now in *insert name* street'.
Dunno about this, i think 'both of them' would fit better to make Colin look less like an observer.
Moogles! WOOT!
I really liked this. I thought it was very well written out on the whole and can see something like this being published (I mean, they did Eragon so why not?). I tkept my attention throughout which is quite hard seeing as I have jsut gotten out of bed.
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Although I know it's Colin's face being slapped, it would look better if you introduced him into the chapter with his name instead of 'him' (hope I made sense there).
I like your work so far, and your dialogue in this chapter is particularly good.
Excellent dialogue. However, isn't it "too" enshrouded?
I'm a bit confused here. What does the pillar look like? How can you roll off the side of it like that?
Oh, now I get it lol. So they were facing each other on pillars and as Cassendra casted a spell, Collin roll dodged but went off the pillar.
Wishing Jared was alive doesn't work as a sentence itself. Find a way to link them together.
You mentioned "witch" then you said he hit the ground. Aren't witches female unless I misread this?
This bit reminds me of the starting sequences of Kingdom Hearts 2 when you are playing as Roxas in Twilight Town. It gave me that feeling.
Review:
I noticed now that you use a fast pace sort of writing style. You use words that are relevant and make good use of it. The dialogue in this chapter rocks! It makes the characters very real and believable and shows how developed they are, not to mention that it was well thought out
The boss fight I felt was a bit confusing. I think you could had expanded the environment of the fight a bit more as I had to reread some parts to get what you were saying. Overall, quite enjoyable, especially the ending (it really thickens the plot)
Looking forward to next chapter.
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Meant to be "a long".
He?
This chapter is quite powerful. The dream revealed an important part of of Colin's life and it appears his past will play a major role in this story. The plot thickens!
Stylistically, it flowed along quite nicely. I think the link between the dream and reality needs to be stronger as I had to reread it twice to get myself back on track. Near the ending, I think there could be a bit more explaining.
For example:
Who was screaming anyways?
Overall, pretty good. Waits for next chapter.
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Judging from the title, this chapter was quite predictable. I think it could had been more metaphoric or something that doesn't reveal the conflict in the chapter.
I won't do a line to line because the words you chose fits very well and it just flows.
You describe things which are important. Never too much, never too less. It keeps track to the storyline. It is straight up and to the point. Good job on that.
I noticed the transition between scenes is a bit weak. The reader needs to read it carefully to understand what's happening. The link between the scenes could had been better enforced.
The action scene was well described. Simple and effective. I think it could had been more drawn out and a bit more detailed, but that's just my thoughts.
The ending isn't very good for this chapter and could had been expanded on. It was just awkward and doesn't really make the reader interested on what's happening next.
Overall though, I enjoyed reading this chapter and I wonder what fate lies ahead for our hero Colin. One thing though, in chapter 3, the threesome could had abducted Colin. Why in chapter 4? That could be explained more.
Good job Adam
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Another good chapter. Nice pace and interesting turn of events. I liked chapter 2 more though, because of the mystery that surrounds that chapter. I also noticed you used common teenage sterotypes in the first half of the story. I think it's ok to use it in this context but I'm never a fan of the sterotype. It's just that adults and the media refer to it so much that it has became a cliche and well...I'm just annoyed at it. It's my personal opinion but yeah I'm letting you know.
The chapter doesn't really say much, besides the fact that three people from Atlantis is going to take him there. Still, I will read on and find the plot to this.
Andy
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I think there is a puncuation error here. It seems like it.
A bit confusing. Try rewording it so that it is cleaner to read.
I know what you mean but doesn't read right. I think you should reword it.
Their's.
Even, not event.
Oh my gosh! I love this chapter! The pacing is very good and I love the mystery that surrounds this chapter. Your descriptions are amazing and I could picture this very clearly.
The way this was written kept my interest throughout. So kudos to you for that because very few stories had kept my interest on YWS.
I can see something like this being published.
Keep going! I'm hooked.
*removed*
The descriptions and character development is wonderful, not to mention your brilliant plot set up. I have one thing that wasn't too clear, why was Colin's mother so mean? Was it just that she hated him, or was it because of his powers (Again, Great Set Up)? If this becomes more obvious as the novel goes on, then you've got not only a good mind but a great plot vehicle, but if it doesn't become more obvious as the novel goes on, it needs to. There were a few grammatical errors, but everyone else has posted those, and everyone makes those little errors of forgetting to put a word here or not use a comma there. You've got a great set up and I can't wait to read the rest of your story.!
Sup Adam. Time to nitpick
(nitpicking means that your piece is good and that they are only picking on minor errors 
)
I don't like "charted" being used twice like that.
Dreamless works but problem is that there isn't such things as a dreamless sleep. You do dream everynight but tend to forgot most of it. Maybe use another word to show that he didn't remember his dream? lol sorry was being real nit picky there.
Looks like the question mark got eaten.
Review:
Man i'm starting to be a fan of this. Quite original and I like how you developed your characters. This reminds me of Cardcaptor Sakura and W.I.T.C.H in terms of starting the story with a normal human. However, you've done it better I believe.
Overall, I liked this. Throughly enjoyed it. Sorry if my review was short, it's very hard to say something when a written piece is very good.
-I think you mean mud puddle.
-It sounds as if the room itself moves. It's better to say 'everyone in the room snapped into place...'
-I advise you to atart it with an 'A' as we have not been exposed to it before.
-I've inserted an 'as' to make the sentence sound better.
-I got a bit lost at this point as I wasn't exactly sure who was doing what. Was Alice driving? But I'm inclined to think she wasn't.
-Not sure who's talking.
Anyway, I really like the order of atlantis. The above may be a long list, but I love it all the same. There are no major problems involving plot and character and grammer can be sorted liek that *click*. You certainly held all my attention throughtout a long piece, something that is hard to do. I can see something likt this being pulished.