It often seems that children are forced to be adults before they ever get to enjoy the worry free existence they are meant to be blessed with. Colin Banks is one such child. His entire world is turned upside down when he discovers he is a citizen of Atlantis; the ancient city of myth is real and nothing like he expected it to be. Hidden deep beneath the ocean the city stands with advanced technology that it uses to defend the Earth in secret.
Forced to adjust to a new way of life Colin must learn about himself while being flung into the middle of a terrible plot. The supposed sanctuary of Atlantis is more fragile than anyone realizes until a string of murders starts sending people into a panic. With fear at the helm everyone is quick to blame Colin. His recent arrival and the sudden sequence of events seem too coincidental to simply turn away from.
Darkness is spreading. More than one enemy is waiting. Colin must gain control of his new abilities before everything he loves is taken from him. Before the world crumbles.
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140,840 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey Teran!
~ A personal preference, but I think I might change this to "They are meant to have."I'm not very experienced with writing terms, so I'm not really sure what a 'pitch' is, and am reviewing under the 'any comments are helpful' side of things.
~ I'm fairly bad with commas, but I'm pretty sure that there should be a comma after 'life'...I *think*.
~ This isn't really clear. This wording seems to suggest that Atlantis is fragile *until* people start getting murdered, when I think you mean that no one notices how fragile it's become until people start getting murdered. Perhaps try: "No one seems to notice how fragile the supposed sanctuary of Atlantis is, until a string of murders sends everyone into a panic."
~~~
Alright, I'm thinking I finally understand what a 'pitch' is, an abstract, like on the back cover of a book, right? If so, then I think you've got a very good pitch. You've gotten me interested in your story, at least.
Hope this helped...
Keep Writing!
~Shady
I'll be brutal here, but please don't take this the wrong way. *AHEM
NOTE: I am only familiar with movie pitches, but since this world happens to be the most unmerciful to pitchers, I hope my advice will be deemed uselful.
This is waaaay too long for a first sentence. A pitch consists of 1. The story in one line and then 2. Hopefully the pitchee's interest and consent to "continue..." 3. And then a short, interesting summary that has a hook at the end. After that, you can get into details and logistics and stuff. (Plus, no offense, but this adds nothing at all to the story. It could be chopped off completely and no one would notice. There isn't room for airy words in a pitch)
So, what's in the one sentence summary? It's practically fill-in-the-blank. "It's about a guy who...." (Protagonist) "does something wrong" (Or whatever... the hook) "and must do something to fix it and restore normality. (the MUST is the most important part here. These, of course, are just examples. Add/change etc. to fit your story, but keep under 25 words. If I wrote the logline to your pitch here it would look something like:
"It's about a kid who dicovers Atlantis and is suddenly caught up in a string of murders which he must solve before the world crumbles around him."
It takes me many many tries to revise a sentence summary to 25, but if you can't do it in that aprox. number of words, you don't have a high-concept story and it probably won't sell. So, work on this.
As for the rest... it could work, but is overall too wordy and forced. You don't have to wax poetic... but give us some emotion here. What does this kid NEED to accomplish... and why? Give the setup, some characters maybe, keep it brief. What you have here could work... but it reads more like the back leaf of a book cover. You're not writing a synopsis, but a pitch. you've got to keep the (producers) interested.
So revise a bit, tighten up and shorten some of your sentences. Read out loud, whatever helps.
And good luck, sounds like quite an interesting story. As for originality... my only concern as a contest judge would be, what exactly is so unique about YOUR Atlantis? You've hinted at it--- the murders--- but just make that fact a bit more enticing.
Hope this helps. (Still, it is a story I really want to read.)
~ED