This is the third and final short story in my "forever" series/novella, now you won't have a clue whats going on unless you read the first two.
I want you to pay particular attention to the end and tell me if i made it emotional enough okay? Thank you and enjoy.
*********************
Jack vaulted over the back of the chair and against the wall, putting as much distance between him and Eve’s dad as possible.
“Dad!” Eve screamed, “Dad stop it!”
She stepped in front of him as if trying to shield him from her fathers rage. His first instinct was to grab her and switch their positions. But he held himself still, knowing that Eve was in no danger from her dad.
“Jack!” her dad shouted past her, “get out of my house now!”
“Dad,” Eve said calmly, “if he goes, I go, and you will never see me again.”
Jack noted how her dad visibly deflated and took that as a signal to relax a little bit. Maybe he would survive to actually marry her.
“Now,” Eve said staring more at her dad than at Jack. She knew Jack was going to be adult about this, and just had to worry about her dad. She knew that if she hadn’t been standing between them Bill would have ripped Jack’s throat out already, “lets all be adults about this. So lets just calm down, drink some tea, and discuss this.”
Eve would have normally suggested coffee, but everybody liked their coffee black, but they all liked their tea with something in it. Something to do with their hands so they wouldn’t fidget.
She guided her dad to a chair and sat him down, he was so easy to persuade when she used that hurt puppy dog look. Then she sat Jack down more than an arms length away with some table between them, but still too close for Jack’s comfort.
She could feel him watching her as she putzed around the kitchen making tea and grabbing the chips, tea and chips…an odd combination but something to fill mouths long enough to remain calm.
Reluctantly she sat down between them.
“You two are not getting married,” her dad said bluntly.
“Yes we are dad, and I was hoping that you’d walk me down the isle.”
He huffed at them and she could sense Jack trying not to snicker.
“You’re too young,” he said.
“Legal age for consent to marry is seventeen dad, I’m eighteen.”
“You’re still not getting married. Look at what happened to me and your mother.”
“Dad don’t you dare compare either of us to that woman!” Eve early shouted. Jack put his hands on her shoulder and calmed her down. Then she looked at him, “dad, please. I love him, more than life itself.”
Her father looked down and away from them, “how can you know that?”
“Think of how long we’ve known each other dad, since pre-school.”
It took them more than three hours to get her dad to give up. But finally at long last he did. He still wasn’t happy about it, but he finally accepted the fact that he couldn’t stop them. Eve walked Jack to the door and gave him a good-night kiss.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow before school okay?”
“Okay.”
She waited by the door until he got on his motorcycle and drove away. Then she closed the door and skipped up the stairs to their living room.
“Eve,” her dad said stopping her and wiping the grin from her face.
She pivoted on her heel to face him, “yeah dad.”
“You’re not going to marry him, you’re never going to see him again.”
“Dad!” Eve shouted, “don’t you dare try to tell me that! If you tell me that I’m never going to see him again you’ll be the one to never see me again, you’re just as bad as mom was.”
With that she turned away and stomped up to her room, slamming the door and locking it tight behind her. She threw herself onto her mattress and pulled out her cell phone, Jack always kept his off when he was riding his motorcycle, but she decided to leave him a message anyways.
When he picked her up tomorrow he would also be picking up some of her things, temporary necessities, clothes, school supplies, and CDs. She’d come back after school with him to get the rest of her stuff. Her dad probably doubted how serious she was about never seeing her again.
After the message was sent she shut her phone and started packing her things. Then she collapsed onto her bed and fell asleep, waiting for the phone to ring and signal that Jack was here to pick her up for school.
She felt a buzzing in her pocket sometime later and she flipped open the phone, “hey,” she said drowsily. “What time is it?”
“About two minutes earlier than yesterday. Ready to go?”
“Yeah, just about, just need to run a brush through my hair. Hey, I’m going to drop my duffle-bag out the window, could you catch it for me?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks love, be out in a sec.”
She hung up the phone and opened the window, without granting fair warning she shoved the oversized camouflaged duffle-bag out the window. Then she turned to her mirror and ran a brush through her ratted hair quickly before grabbing her bag and running outside to the car before her dad could wake up from the noise she was making.
By the time she got down there Jack had already loaded the duffle-bag in the back seat and was waiting on the hood of his mothers Sudan for her.
“Hey babe,” he greeted, “miss me last night?”
She kissed him as she passed by towards the passenger door. “More than you will ever know.” The ride towards the school was silent, Eve couldn’t stand it. But she couldn’t think of anything to say.
“You know love,” Jack said, “I could talk to you forever, I haven’t grown tired of your company just yet.”
She giggled, “I know, I just keep thinking about what my dad said. Why is he so upset about this?”
“He’s a dad?” Jack glanced over to see her face, it looked pained like she were in pain and about to cry. He couldn’t look away.
“Jack look out!” She screamed and he instantly jerked his head forward just in time to see a small furry little animal run across the road. He stomped on the ancient brakes and turn the wheel franticly to not hit it. They spun out of control and hit a tree, but still they spun on. Their screams seemed to echo across the world as they gripped the sides and tried to re-gain control of the car. They went beyond the tree to a ditch. The car flipped over, shattering the glass and practically crushing them both, making them unable to scream anymore.
“Eve,” Jack said reaching for her face, her eyes blinked open but fluttered. “Eve are you alright?” She looked so pale and still, but her face was etched in anguish. Jack knew she was dying, Jack knew he was dying.
“I don’t think so,” she managed to say, “but what about you?”
“I don’t think I’m okay either,” he grunted as the breathing caused him pain.
“Jack,” she groaned, “how long will you love me? As long as I love you?”
“How long will you love me?”
“Forever and always.”
“Forever seems to be coming all too soon.”
They felt heat rising from the engine, but they couldn't excape the smell of gasoline. Breath rising and falling in tandem, breathed their last breath together, hands entwined, hearts bound, to meet forever together.
The only part that killed it for me was when they DIED! Whyd that have to happen? It was good, but i still wish they would have lived. I like your stories, and if they lived i would have had more to read! But no. Poop. Either way, it was an amazing story, as always. You better post a different story soon!
The story was "ok."
Things went too fast though.
You need to explain the couples relationship further.
Also I think it would be ironic if the male character died.
Due to her father saying she would never see him again.
She also needs to act less childish. An 18 year old really should be more mature.
I surely dont act that way....
It's typical way a father might act if an engagement was sprung upon him.
Hmm... I think the boyfriend should be the one calming the father in law to be down. Showing him how much he cares for her. And maybe even compromising with him....
An engagement should be a while not just get married a few days later...
Overall I didn't like it much. Too much was going on way to fast.
I read the first part and decided to keep reading to see if it made some kind of sense.
Don't mean to be harsh.. but with some work this could be a great short story..
Alice, dear, this was uber great. I love the plot idea and everything. And I already told you it made me cry, and that's a compliment in itself.
As for fixable things:
-you have a few distractable things, such as the way you word things, or a few mispellings. I caught them, but not enough so to go through and quote them all.
-You could definately use some character and plot development. Perhaps do some flashbacks or something. It would lengthen the stories, but assurably add to the effect of their love. Eve is the only character that seems to have character development, and I think that's because she's partially based on you. You might want to work on your other characters (E.D, Eve's mother, Jack).
-My other thought was that the storyline in general for all three of the stories seems to move almost too quickly.
Love you dear!
~Bella~
alright well i really did love your story, however there are a few character and plot points that could be improved upon.
-i think we should find out about them knowing each other since preschool back in the first story. it would make the rest of the reading mean that much more
-my biggest problem is jack. he isnt a believable guy. no guy i know would ever compare their love to edward and bella. he seems more like her best friend for the most part. especially in the first story, i thought they were just friends and then all of a sudden he says he loves her. it caught me off guard. i think you should play up the relationship in the first one better and alter the way jack says things.
-i thought the accident was described well. my problem is that i have been in a major car accident and i have been driving for years. i flipped a car and honestly, there isnt much going through your head while its happening or even right after. you are in shock, however you could describe what they are feeling physically. luckily i wasnt hurt but im sure if i had been dying that i would be concentrating on whatever was going wrong with my body. i think the cause of the accident would be more believable if it was a person or another car that they were about to hit. those are things that would cause jack to swerve that much.
-also minor plot detail- in the second story you say that jack was allowed to borrow his moms car for the night. why would she let him use it for an average day at school? it doesnt make sense.
-i dont know if people actually know when they are dying. i mean i suppose there is a possibility but i think it would be more believable if you say they both THOUGHT they were dying-not that they already knew. also maybe explain what they were feeling or lack thereof. all i know is what happened to the car, charlie is pale, and jack cant breathe. none of these things are life threatening.
-right before the accident, charlie is giggling about her dad and then all of a sudden jack notices it looks like she is about to cry and thats why is eyes arent focused on the road. i dont see how she can go from giggling to about to cry with nothing in between. nothing more was said, there was no time in between, etc.
-also what are they? jack and charlie. are they boyfriend and girlfriend? or were they just friends? did they just meet in preschool and stayed friends but decided to date in high school? as far as i know you never mention how long they have been dating.
i know that i kind of unloaded a lot here but i really did like your story and i think if you elaborate or change some of the things i said it could be really good. i know that these kinds of changes are a lot harder to fix than just spelling and grammar but they also make a story. no one falls in love with the way you spell things, readers fall in love with characters and appreciate plot. ok my lecture/rant is over. i am terribly sorry if you think i was too harsh or anything. i really didnt mean to be. i just gave you the kind of criticism i am always looking for.
good luck with this and please feel free to pm me with any questions you might have, i would be happy to help further.
i agree with SeraphTree, i didn't like this story. She was too dramatic, not enough realism, and she makes it seem like she's incredibly bitchy all the time, and lust has taken over her.
You could do much better.
The idea was nice.
a lot like romeo and juliet, but just there romance was much better.
Keep writing, you could do so much better.
Well, you have a way with words ... and emotions. You seemed to capture each character correctly and made me reflect on my own love life, my own special someone. Your story was incredibly down to earth but, at the same time, there was a certain distance that you kept between the reader, the characters, and yourself. It seemed like you wanted to create a vision that could be seen just as easily from either angle and you accomplished this. As for your question, I would not change one thing about your ending. It was raw, real, and to the point and leaves the reader with a lot of emotion and wondering for the characters.
Kepp up the good work, perspective quill <-that is my name for you
-local creation
Author13... I'm sorry, but I do not like this piece. I'll tell you why.
“Dad,” Eve said calmly, “if he goes, I go, and you will never see me again.”
How is this going to solve the problem? Also, it is very immature/childish for her to threaten her Dad like this.
“Now,” Eve said staring more at her dad than at Jack. She knew Jack was going to be adult about this, and just had to worry about her dad. She knew that if she hadn’t been standing between them Bill would have ripped Jack’s throat out already, “lets all be adults about this. So lets just calm down, drink some tea, and discuss this.”
'Let's be adults about this'? How are Jack and Eve acting like adults?
He huffed at them and she could sense Jack trying not to snicker
Why is Jack laughing?
“Legal age for consent to marry is seventeen dad, I’m eighteen.”
This is confusing. At eighteen, you are legally an adult, so....
“You’re still not getting married. Look at what happened to me and your mother.”
“Dad don’t you dare compare either of us to that woman!” Eve early shouted. Jack put his hands on her shoulder and calmed her down. Then she looked at him, “dad, please. I love him, more than life itself.”
This is a poor excuse. What has Jack done to deserve this diatribe? Eve's reaction is overdramatic. How does she KNOW she loves this guy? Okay, she's been with him since they were little.
This tells us nothing.
I've known people since I was little, and they are NOT for me. Give us a reason. Please.
It took them more than three hours to get her dad to give up. But finally at long last he did. He still wasn’t happy about it, but he finally accepted the fact that he couldn’t stop them. Eve walked Jack to the door and gave him a good-night kiss.
This is a rather common theme in your work, which I don't like- The parent puts up a fierce front, but finally gives in after a while.
WHY?????????
Besides this, Eve is making an enemy out of her father, which in the long run, is very stupid.
“Dad!” Eve shouted, “don’t you dare try to tell me that! If you tell me that I’m never going to see him again you’ll be the one to never see me again, you’re just as bad as mom was.”
With that she turned away and stomped up to her room, slamming the door and locking it tight behind her. She threw herself onto her mattress and pulled out her cell phone, Jack always kept his off when he was riding his motorcycle, but she decided to leave him a message anyways.
THIS^^^^^ really burns me up. Seriously, she's acting like a three year old.
“He’s a dad?” Jack glanced over to see her face, it looked pained like she were in pain and about to cry. He couldn’t look away.
What did they expect? Seriously, they just sprung this on him.
“Jack look out!” She screamed and he instantly jerked his head forward just in time to see a small furry little animal run across the road. He stomped on the ancient brakes and turn the wheel franticly to not hit it. They spun out of control and hit a tree, but still they spun on. Their screams seemed to echo across the world as they gripped the sides and tried to re-gain control of the car. They went beyond the tree to a ditch. The car flipped over, shattering the glass and practically crushing them both, making them unable to scream anymore.
“Eve,” Jack said reaching for her face, her eyes blinked open but fluttered. “Eve are you alright?” She looked so pale and still, but her face was etched in anguish. Jack knew she was dying, Jack knew he was dying.
“I don’t think so,” she managed to say, “but what about you?”
“I don’t think I’m okay either,” he grunted as the breathing caused him pain.
“Jack,” she groaned, “how long will you love me? As long as I love you?”
“How long will you love me?”
“Forever and always.”
“Forever seems to be coming all too soon.”
They felt heat rising from the engine, but they couldn't excape the smell of gasoline. Breath rising and falling in tandem, breathed their last breath together, hands entwined, hearts bound, to meet forever together.
No, a thousand times NO!!!!!! 
This is WAY too dramatic.
And, the neighbors see nothing? No one tries to save them?
Overall, I really didn't like it. This is 'poor me' writing. The world is against them, and then they DIE in eachothers arms... no. This is not realistic.
Seriously, you can do a lot better than this.
You still don't have a main character. You continually switch from Jack to Eve, and we never have any thoughts from them. Seriously, make one the main character. Please STOP dramatizing their life so much. It makes your story sound suspiciously like Romeo&Juliet, and rather childish.
If you want to show this struggle, we need some normal situations. A day at school... sitting in the tub... anything, seriously!!!!! Without anything normal, all we can see are these dramatic situations, which become normal for your characters.
My suggestion... read it OUT LOUD to yourself. See if you can shape your story. Make us feel what they feel. 
Awesome. Author, you are a great writer. It was terribly sad, even know I had no idea what was going on. I love the way that you write. It makes us feel like were are actually there.
I really liked this! I can't wait for you to post something else that I can read! You are a fantastic author, Author! lol...oh ok...
Great job!
BBB
- This sentence really bugs me. You used 'but' twice. Try re-wording it. Perhaps "Eve would have normally suggested cofee, but, while everbody liked their coffee black, they all like something in their tea." Or something similar to that.Eve would have normally suggested coffee, but everybody liked their coffee black, but they all liked their tea with something in it.
Eve nearly shouted
"him" being her dad or Jack? I wasn't quite sure on that.Then she looked at him, “Dad, please. I love him, more than life itself.”
Her father looked down and away from them. “How can you know that?”
- It is redundant to say "finally" and "at long last" in the same sentence. I would suggest choosing one or the other.It took them more than three hours to get her dad to give up, but finally at long last he did.
If you tell me that I’m never going to see him again, you’ll be the one to never see me again; you’re just as bad as mom was.”
She threw herself onto her mattress and pulled out her cell phone. Jack always kept his off when he was riding his motorcycle, but she decided to leave him a message anyways.
Two options here to make this grammaticly correct. 1: Replace the comma with a semi-colon and turn the first full stop into a comma. or 2: Turn the first comma into a full stop and turn the first full stop into a comma. Either way works. Your choice.The ride towards the school was silent, Eve couldn’t stand it. But she couldn’t think of anything to say.
It isn't necessary to repeat that she looked like she were in pain again.it looked pained, like she were [s]in pain and [/s]about to cry. He couldn’t look away.
I love this. I do think that maybe some of the parts thought the whole story was kinda boring. But, I still love this.
The ending was so heart breaking.
So sad. 
Great job though!
I absolutely love your writing.
-- M.B.Author
i am growing less fond of your writing style everytime i read. i think the story is a bit too boring.
\
the end however, breaks my heart (being a hopeless romantic)
although i personally do not like your specific style, the story line is good and the ending is heartbreakingly beautiful
Thanks guys! I'm going to be turning this in for part of my Narritive Essay in my english class so any constrctive critisim is much appreciated!
Hello, Alice. ^_^
This was very good. I didn't read the first to stories and I thought it was good. The ending was very abrupt. A little more drama, more goosebumps. It got my heart racing slightly, but not enough. More description. Maybe show how much pain they're in?
It was emotional in the "I love you" way. However, it can also be emotional in a different way. Maybe Jack can yell a curse word, or Eve can scream. Maybe Eve can cry hysterically, but is comforted by Jack's touch. This is a car crash. How would you feel if your car flipped over like that?
Something to think about. PM me if you have questions. I'm always happy to help!
Jabber, the One and Only!
You always seem to impress me.
I get a feeling like im really there.
This is very sad.
Still very good.
It was sweet how they died together.
Great story. 
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