This is the sequel to my short story "I could talk to you forever" same characters 
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Prom night, Jack thought, she’s either going to kill me, or say yes. I hope she says yes.
Jack pulled the black velvet heart shaped box out of his pocket and looked at it. Did he have the guts to ask her? He hoped so. Would she say yes? He hoped so. Would she get mad at him for asking in high school? He hoped not.
“This is the senior prom,” his mom said, “stop freaking out!”
“This is more than prom, mom,” he mumbled, “I’m about to ask Eve to marry me.”
“You’re what?!!!” his mother got to her feet and confronted him.
“I’m asking Eve to marry me tonight.”
“Jack,” she cupped his face like a mother would, “listen to yourself, you’re in high school, how are you going to support yourselves?”
He shrugged, “we’ll figure something out, as long as she says yes.”
“What makes you think she’ll say yes?”
“I’m not one hundred percent sure she will, but I’m taking the risk anyways.”
“Your father won’t allow this,” she protested.
Jack groaned and rolled his eyes, “mom, dads so far into the addiction he won’t give a crap!”
“Jack!” his mother scolded.
“Well I’m right aren’t I?” He turned back to the mirror and straightened his tie. “Mom, there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.”
His mom and sighed then smiled, “while I maintain that you are too young, I can’t say that I’m not partly happy for you.”
“You are a strange mom, mom. Your son’s getting engaged in high school and you’re happy.” He looked at the clock, “crap, I’m going to be late!”
He gave his mom a kiss on the cheek and bounded for the garage. His mom had granted him use of the Jaguar-should he chose to use it- and he was defiantly going to use it. Any other dance he would have taken his motorcycle, but he doubted that messing up Eve’s hair would be in his best interests tonight.
He self-consciously rubbed the velvet box again, he didn’t know when he was going to ask her tonight, but it was going to be tonight. As he neared her house his nervousness turned into panic. He was nearly hyperventilating by the time he got to her door. But he took a few deep breaths and rang the doorbell.
Her dad answered the door, with a cliché scowl on his face, Jack knew it was fake, but it didn’t help his nerves nonetheless.
“Hey Mr. E-D.”
“E-D?”
“Eve’s dad.”
He let out a fake laugh and sharpened his gaze, “clever.”
Jack was almost on the verge of bolting when Eve came down the stairs. He cleared his throat, “hi Eve.” He was left temporarily breathless by her beauty.
“Hi Jack,” she said nervously, “ready to go?”
“If you are.”
“Good God,” she groaned, “I’m no where near ready,” sarcasm rolled off of her tongue like chocolate.
“Oh really?”
“No,” she bounded down the rest of the stairs, moving with grace unbecoming to someone wearing the shoes she was. “I’m ready now.”
Jack took her arm and led her out to the car where he pinned her corsage on her. “You look more beautiful than…you did at the last dance.”
“You’re comparing me to myself?”
“There’s nothing as beautiful as you.”
When they arrived at the prom, Jack was all too aware of the velvet box in his pocket getting heavier and heavier. But he didn’t know how to ask her. He felt so retarded, it was even screwing with his dancing.
“Jack,” Eve asked, “are you okay?”
“Stomach ache,” he lied.
“Aww, poor thing, want to sit down?”
“No, I’m fine, the movement’s helping it.”
“Liar,” she said, “it’s something else. Oh well, if its got nothing to do with me, I won’t care for two more hours.
It does involve you, Jack thought, but instead of pressing the matter further, he halted and kissed her. They were in the middle of the dance floor. It was just like a scene from the movies, partly why he decided to do it, the rest of it was just the over whelming need to kiss her.
Later in the night when they were walking out to his car he stopped, catching her arm, “we need to talk.”
She gave him a skeptical look, “I thought that was a girl’s line?” He could sense the potential of tears in her words.
“Its not a line, but…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the box. “Evelyn Romas,” he got down on one knee, uncaring about the dirt on his suit. “I know we’re just in high school, seniors though, but, I love you, I love you like Edward loves Bella, and I want to spend forever with you. Marry me?”
“What?”
“Will you marry me?”
A giant grin spread across her face, “of course I will.”
Jack surged up and caught her in a giant crushing hug and kiss.
“Now, we need to discuss somethings don’t we?” She said almost giddy as he slid the ring on her finger.
“Yes we do.”
They drove back to Eve’s house, where her father was absent.
“Where’s your dad?” He asked.
Eva shrugged, “probably out with Marcy, or something,” she shrugged uncaringly.
“Alright, I’ll order pizza.”
“And I’ll change my clothes, this dress is so uncomfortable!”
Twenty minutes later they were sitting cross-legged on the coffee table eating pizza and lounging and talking.
“How are we going to support ourselves?”
“We’ve got our collage funds, and that will put us through collage and then…”
“Where are we going to collage?”
“I was hoping to tag along with you; I don’t really care where I go.”
Eve leaned across the pizza box and kissed him. “We’ll figure something out won’t we?”
“Yes we will.” He winced and switched to the couch, “that was starting to hurt.”
Eve laughed and launched herself off of the coffee table onto the couch next to him. Then she reached up and pulled the pizza box onto their laps.
“I wish I could stay this way forever,” she said wishfully.
Jack turned and looked at her, “well, we’re going to…somewhat.”
She leaned her head against his shoulder, “you bet.”
“You are happy about this right? I mean-”
“Jack, I love you, I want to spend, forever with you. If we were in one of Stephenie Meyer’s novels, we’d become vampires, just so we could spend eternity together.”
“We’ll be alright then?”
“We’ll be better than alright, we’ll be perfect.”
Eve leaned against his shoulder and examined the ring.
“We should write our own vows,” she declared.
“Really? What would yours be?”
“I vow, to leave this ring on forever-unless I’m in the shower-as a testament of how much I love you, and how much I always will.”
“Mine would be ‘I vow to always show you how much I love you, and to never let that love die.”
Eve started briefly, “we need bulletproof vests,” she declared.
“Why?”
“For when we tell my dad, he’ll shoot us.”
“We’ll hide the guns first.”
“Good idea.” Eve turned and looked into his eyes, and saw thousands of faces, all alike and at the same time incredibly different. “Did you ever hear that if you looked into the eyes of your soul mate you’d see all the generations that you would produce?”
Jack nodded, looking into her eyes.
“At least I’m not the only one.
Some time later they were falling asleep on the couch, Eve’s dad still not home yet.
“Jack, how long will you love me?”
“Forever and always, love, forever and always.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
very good, and i loved how you used the edward- loves- bella allusion but don't take it over the top with the stephanie- meyer- novel- vampire allusion. just a little to much twilightism for me, even though can't fault you for loving the books!
"I love you like Edward loves Bella."
I think that's my favorite line =D
Other than that and the few grammar mistakes that everyone else already corrected, it was awesome.
~JamieLee<3
Hey Alice!
"the black velvet heart shaped box" is really messy. You need commas, and a dash. "the black, velvet, heart-shaped box" is better, I would say. Heart-shaped goes together, and when ever you have more than one adjective, you need commas following all the ones except the one right before the noun. Also, I don't really like all the repetition in this paragraph but.. I'm not sure what I could suggest you change it to.You don't need all the exclamation points. You can just use ?!
Mom and Dad should always be capitalized unless you are saying my mom, or my dad.
I would cut out "nonetheless". It's just... I don't know, doesn't really do much for the sentence.
Breathlessness is incredebly cliché. ^_^
this is weird, considering chocolate doesn't usually roll off of one's tongue, but rolls down one's throat. I understand you are trying to say that what she said is sweet, but it doesn't work.
I love the idea of it getting heavier, but why not do some showing? Talk about him tripping over his feet when dancing, or perhaps he runs into a girl who gives him an incredebly dirty look. Not so much telling! ^_^
because what is before "we need to talk" isn't a dialogue tag, you can end the sentence in a period, and capitalize we.
Ew.. Say "not caring" instead of "uncaring". It doesn't fit in this way.
Alright... well not only does this irritate me because the books irritate me, but you're automatically kicking some readers out. What about those people who haven't read twilight? If you're going to use an allusion, you need to use one that almost everyone will know. Twilight really isn't at allusion status yet.
I believe "somethings" should be two words.
She just shrugged twice in one sentence--not good! Also, "uncaringly" isn't a word, and those aren't dialogue tags, so they don't need to have commas with the dialogue.
From what I remember of the last part, this has the same problem.. It's way too much dialogue and not enough anything else. I know I sometimes write pieces that are 80% dialogue, but the dialogue is the main focus of the conflict...And here, no offense, the dialogue isn't that good. It's just... blah, dialogue. Time goes by way too fast. Why should I care about them? How are they feeling? You know... The usual stuff. The stories there, but there is no conflict, and I don't care, and your characters are incredebly flat and not realistic and... ^_^ It's a first draft, so that's fine. Just keep all this in mind when you go to rewrite it! If you do.
Aww, how cute. I love this. It is really nice.
One thing, other then all the little miss spells, a little grammar probs.
You said:
“How are we going to support ourselves?”
“We’ve got our collage funds, and that will put us through collage and then…”
“Where are we going to collage?”
“I was hoping to tag along with you; I don’t really care where I go.”
I didn't know who was speaking, maybe put one name on these, just to identify who is speaking.
Help? I hope. Anyway, good job! I am going to reread part 3!
-- M.B.Author
This i find is good. I mean i wouldn't go and give it an award but i do like the style of the piece. Maybe the end half could have a little more action, but that is probably influence by my love for a good thriller.
My point is that this is an interesting work.
The piece relies too heavily on a dialogue technique to move the story. As a result, the story reads like a script rather than an actual story and the deeper features of the piece non existant.
I didn't actually think characters were that well developed. The dialogue did little to be to understand their personalties better and there was little description that defines more of them as a person.
Plot wise, its very simplistic. You didn't actually do much to draw out the greater significane of the plot. This makes it feel linear and one sided.
Well okay I dug it! And you can use THREE exclamation points if you want, thats the limit more than that and its too much. Just wanted to point that out.
. You spelled some stuff wrong anf had dome grammar issues but over all i loved it. I mean it would be good to continue this and add more description along the way.
Hey! Fantastic story! I only thought a couple things were wrong:
Ok, place yourself in Jack's Mother's shoes. Would you really let your 18 year old ask a girl to marry him? I didn't think so. There would be planning, and aren't you supposed to ask the father of the bride before you ask the bride? Maybe you should do some reserch or ask your parents on how your father asked your mother.
Also, you need to capitalize all of the moms and dads because if mom is talking, Mom is the proper noun, and she should be capitalized. The same thing if Jack is saying something. instead of, "Hey mom, can I ask Eve to marry me?" It should be, "Hey Mom, can I ask Ever to marry me?" You didn't use this quote in your story, but that is how it should be.
Other than those things, this is really romantic and good, and I loved it!
Great job!
BBB
>.< I cave I need to write and short stories will make me survive until NaNoWriMo starts ^.^
I doubt there will be a third one (connor hasn't been doing his job of nagging me all that much) but thanks for the advice all!
i didnt read the first one =]
haha
. I think a sweet little cute story of prom could be really good, but I don't know. It bugs me when people write these cutesy stories about marriage, and that's not really what it should be like. Romance, yes, but not all...fluff. But putting my bias aside, you did a good job with being sappy but not *gag* kind of sappy..if that makes sense xD
Prom night, Jack thought, she’s either going to kill me, or say yes. I hope she says yes.
For a first sentence, it didn't really grab me all that much.
Jack pulled the black velvet heart shaped box out of his pocket and looked at it. Did he have the guts to ask her? He hoped so. Would she say yes? He hoped so. Would she get mad at him for asking in high school? He hoped not.
Well that seems to be rushing things, just as far as it's like 'prom, i'm going to propose!'
“This is the senior prom,” his mom said, “stop freaking out!”
I don't get the transition...he's thinking to himself and suddenly his mom is talking to him
“This is more than prom, mom,” he mumbled, “I’m about to ask Eve to marry me.”
if he's really happy and ready to be proposing, it seems like he would be I'M ASKING EVE TO MARRY ME
“You’re what?!!!” his mother got to her feet and confronted him.
more detailsss, please. Like 'she got up to her feet, getting closer than necessary and staring intently in his eyes. Her expression was quizzical but, above all, challenging' or, you know, whatever.
“I’m asking Eve to marry me tonight.”
“Jack,” she cupped his face like a mother would, “listen to yourself, you’re in high school, how are you going to support yourselves?”
all the dialog so far feels really...unnatural. I don't really know how/why though
He shrugged, “we’ll figure something out, as long as she says yes.”
“What makes you think she’ll say yes?”
I don't think she would just accept that. She's his mother and he's 17/18 and he's like 'whatever, everything will work out, leave me alone' which is not a good attitude to have when getting married
“I’m not one hundred percent sure she will, but I’m taking the risk anyways.”
“Your father won’t allow this,” she protested.
Jack groaned and rolled his eyes, “mom, dads so far into the addiction he won’t give a crap!”
most people don't deal with addictions so casually and just throw them out
“Jack!” his mother scolded.
“Well I’m right aren’t I?” He turned back to the mirror and straightened his tie. “Mom, there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.”
His mom and sighed then smiled, “while I maintain that you are too young, I can’t say that I’m not partly happy for you.”
“You are a strange mom, mom. Your son’s getting engaged in high school and you’re happy.” He looked at the clock, “crap, I’m going to be late!”
again, super awkward dialog but I can't explain why. If I figure it out, I'll edit or something
He gave his mom a kiss on the cheek and bounded for the garage. His mom had granted him use of the Jaguar-should he chose to use it- and he was defiantly going to use it. Any other dance he would have taken his motorcycle, but he doubted that messing up Eve’s hair would be in his best interests tonight.
It seems too cliche cool dude. Jaguar and motorcycle?
He self-consciously rubbed the velvet box again, he didn’t know when he was going to ask her tonight, but it was going to be tonight. As he neared her house his nervousness turned into panic. He was nearly hyperventilating by the time he got to her door. But he took a few deep breaths and rang the doorbell.
Her dad answered the door, with a cliché scowl on his face, Jack knew it was fake, but it didn’t help his nerves nonetheless.
“Hey Mr. E-D.”
“E-D?”
“Eve’s dad.”
He let out a fake laugh and sharpened his gaze, “clever.”
Jack was almost on the verge of bolting when Eve came down the stairs. He cleared his throat, “hi Eve.” He was left temporarily breathless by her beauty.
“Hi Jack,” she said nervously, “ready to go?”
“If you are.”
“Good God,” she groaned, “I’m no where near ready,” sarcasm rolled off of her tongue like chocolate.
I don't really like the simile...chocolate doesn't really roll off your tongue, it 'melts in your mouth'
“Oh really?”
“No,” she bounded down the rest of the stairs, moving with grace unbecoming to someone wearing the shoes she was. “I’m ready now.”
Jack took her arm and led her out to the car where he pinned her corsage on her. “You look more beautiful than…you did at the last dance.”
“You’re comparing me to myself?”
“There’s nothing as beautiful as you.”
That was a good line, better than saying 'you're as beautiful as all the stars in the sky, or something :]
When they arrived at the prom, Jack was all too aware of the velvet box in his pocket getting heavier and heavier. But he didn’t know how to ask her. He felt so retarded, it was even screwing with his dancing.
Retarded isn't really a good adjective to use in writing, when there's so many better words to use for awkward, foolish, dumb, whatever
“Jack,” Eve asked, “are you okay?”
“Stomach ache,” he lied.
“Aww, poor thing, want to sit down?”
“No, I’m fine, the movement’s helping it.”
“Liar,” she said, “it’s something else. Oh well, if its got nothing to do with me, I won’t care for two more hours.
It does involve you, Jack thought, but instead of pressing the matter further, he halted and kissed her. They were in the middle of the dance floor. It was just like a scene from the movies, partly why he decided to do it, the rest of it was just the over whelming need to kiss her.
this could be really cute, but it needs more detail! The sentence structure could be varied some too
Later in the night when they were walking out to his car he stopped, catching her arm, “we need to talk.”
She gave him a skeptical look, “I thought that was a girl’s line?” He could sense the potential of tears in her words.
that seems kind of a dramatic reaction to just a sentence. maybe he could see some apprehension in her face or something, but tears seems a bit quick
“Its not a line, but…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the box. “Evelyn Romas,” he got down on one knee, uncaring about the dirt on his suit. “I know we’re just in high school, seniors though, but, I love you, I love you like Edward loves Bella, and I want to spend forever with you. Marry me?”
“What?”
“Will you marry me?”
A giant grin spread across her face, “of course I will.”
Jack surged up and caught her in a giant crushing hug and kiss.
“Now, we need to discuss somethings don’t we?” She said almost giddy as he slid the ring on her finger.
“Yes we do.”
They drove back to Eve’s house, where her father was absent.
“Where’s your dad?” He asked.
Eva shrugged, “probably out with Marcy, or something,” she shrugged uncaringly.
“Alright, I’ll order pizza.”
“And I’ll change my clothes, this dress is so uncomfortable!”
Twenty minutes later they were sitting cross-legged on the coffee table eating pizza and lounging and talking.
“How are we going to support ourselves?”
“We’ve got our collage funds, and that will put us through collage and then…”
it's college, not collage ;]
“Where are we going to collage?”
“I was hoping to tag along with you; I don’t really care where I go.”
Eve leaned across the pizza box and kissed him. “We’ll figure something out won’t we?”
noooooo xD This the wrong state of mind to have when getting married. They're all like 'lallala, fluff, i love, everything will work out, hehehe' but without defined plans their relationship won't last long
“Yes we will.” He winced and switched to the couch, “that was starting to hurt.”
Eve laughed and launched herself off of the coffee table onto the couch next to him. Then she reached up and pulled the pizza box onto their laps.
Bringing in the pizza box seems kind of weird. Like she's all cuddling with him, and then still super focused on eating
“I wish I could stay this way forever,” she said wishfully.
Jack turned and looked at her, “well, we’re going to…somewhat.”
She leaned her head against his shoulder, “you bet.”
“You are happy about this right? I mean-”
“Jack, I love you, I want to spend, forever with you. If we were in one of Stephenie Meyer’s novels, we’d become vampires, just so we could spend eternity together.”
“We’ll be alright then?”
“We’ll be better than alright, we’ll be perfect.”
Eve leaned against his shoulder and examined the ring.
“We should write our own vows,” she declared.
“Really? What would yours be?”
“I vow, to leave this ring on forever-unless I’m in the shower-as a testament of how much I love you, and how much I always will.”
“Mine would be ‘I vow to always show you how much I love you, and to never let that love die.”
Eve started briefly, “we need bulletproof vests,” she declared.
“Why?”
“For when we tell my dad, he’ll shoot us.”
“We’ll hide the guns first.”
“Good idea.” Eve turned and looked into his eyes, and saw thousands of faces, all alike and at the same time incredibly different. “Did you ever hear that if you looked into the eyes of your soul mate you’d see all the generations that you would produce?”
Jack nodded, looking into her eyes.
“At least I’m not the only one.
Some time later they were falling asleep on the couch, Eve’s dad still not home yet.
“Jack, how long will you love me?”
“Forever and always, love, forever and always.”
Alright, hopefully I wasn't too critical
I hope I helped!
DudeeEEEEEEE!! you HAVE to write more!! I'm dying to know whether their dad goes mad!! ahhh!! plz plz plz!!!!
besides that the story is ace!
But, I did enjoy reading this and it's a lovely, romantic idea.
This was really sweet and romantic, Alice. A few suggestions -
“mom, dad's so far into the addiction he won’t give a crap!”
His mom [s]and[/s] sighed and then smiled
“Now, we need to discuss some things don’t we?”
She said almost giddy as he slid the ring onto her finger.
“We’ve got our collage [Isn't it spelt college? Or is that just the English spelling?] funds, and that will put us through collage and then…”
“Where are we going to collage?”
____________________________
Good plot, lovely characters but perhaps a little more description and suspence would help improve it? Great story though.
I HAVE TO KNOW MORE!!!
please post
Well, i dont know about everyone else, but i thought it was perfect. You just have to keep the story going or else i will keep nagging you untill you do!!
I did a great long crit and now it's vanished so yeah.
The characters seemed well developed.
You have little description, We dont know what your characters really look like or the setting they are in. You do a good job of having expanded well thought out characters, now apply that to your settings.
Critique time! **cracks knuckles**
There's something I notice in almost everything you write. The lack of the capitals.
Sentence by sentence...
You cram a bit much into this sentence, dear. In my opinion, at least. Try cutting back on the verbs.
"Jack pulled the black heart shaped box..."
or simply "Jack pulled the heart shaped box."
Period-capital.
Period-capital-period
Ick! Too many exclamaition marks, here. Have you ever seen published authors saying "Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"? No. Only one is needed.
Period-capital-period-capital
Again.
I'm going to stop repeating myself now. Please, fix these things. I find them all the time...