Roll down the windows and drive
As our love bleeds out its time
Drift the car for the thrill of it
The endless loop we're stuck in
Hands on my ears as I scream
Speed up till the tires screech
Your gaze is no longer one I can meet
All I see in those eyes is lies and deceit
Your arms once used to carry me home
Now all they do is suffocate my breath
Your engagement ring weighs heavy
It ties me down to you, involuntarily
Yet your ring finger has been empty
Reminder of a promise you didn't keep
Our entangled bodies once
Shimmered in the golden hour
Now I can't bear to touch your skin
For my blood boils at your mere sight
I'm no longer your passenger princess
But the bitch who won't take the backseat
We're only on the opposite ends of the car
But there's a wall, thus it feels worlds apart
The strings on my dress are tied delicate
Still your focus is on the road ahead
It's clear, there's no saving us now
But I'm staying till we're sunburnt
All our mutual hate shall burn us at stake
You know I'm not the one to turn away
I'm seeing things off till they end for good
Until the venom gets too deadly to drink
For now, let me savour this drive together
In honour of the naive us, long dead
Let all our past heated arguments
Fade in the noise of the rushing wind
Race the wheels till the world blurs out
Adrenaline filling up the cracks in our love
Rush to the horizon with all you've got
Impatient to leave this mistake behind
Memories haunt me as we pass the beach
Now reduced to dusty photographs in the attic
The surprise birthday picnic by the shore
But now all you do is disappoint, mi amor
The Sun drowns in the ocean, water red
A thought occurs- all ends are not as lovely
My soul is numb as I take in the sunset
You're not the man I used to be in love with
Prompt credit: 'driving with the windows down (preferably during sunset)' by @Avian
Hey Alex! I'm here to give you a review on this lovely poem.
I love how you've executed this prompt! Most people's first impression would be to create a romantic love poem about happiness, but you've tied the memory of driving in the sunset to a bad relationship. You've also got so much amazing juxtaposition—mixing the good with the bad in a way that amplifies both.
My one critique is the rhyme scheme. It seems a bit forced, and I'd have loved to see this poem without a rhyme scheme at all—free verse would totally suit it!! I will also admit…I don't really know what the rhyme scheme is. It's a little all over the place. Which is why it'd do better without one! If you ever revisit this, it might be something to think about.
But other than that, I totally adore this! Your imagery is so lush, and it drags the reader into this world. There are a few grammar mistakes, but I'll spare you—it flows so well I didn't notice till my second or third read-through.
This is such a great piece, the only thing I have to say is that the rhyme scheme doesn't serve it. But you should definitely dip your feet into poetry more and post some pieces on YWS! I'd be glad to review them any time.
Keep writing!
<3, chem
I truly appreciate this wonderful review, chem!! Thank you for giving this a read. I meant for the poem to be free verse originally, but I decided to keep the few rhymes that just came to me. That, too, has only happened twice in the entire poem so I wouldn't say that the poem even has a rhyme scheme as it was never meant to lol. I do get it though, it shouldn't have any rhymes to make it truly free but I couldn't think of any other words that capture what I feel better. I'm grateful for the helpful feedback, I'll definitely keep in mind if I revisit this poem for editing later. Thank you for your kind words <3
You know, I was planning on reviewing this for review day! Sounds beautiful. Ok, I’m going to start now.
First of all, I love how I can picture a car on the highway, and I can HEAR the sound of the tires screeching. That’s how you know it’s a good poem.
Then, it talks about how your love turns into conflict in such a unique way. Well done!
I love the rhyming too. Makes it sound like a song.
For some reason, golden hour always makes its way into its special place in my heart. Golden drips of the sun...*sighs...
Awwwww it is so heartbreaking but beautiful. Overall, all I have to say is KEP WRITING YOUR PRO POEMS!!! Happy Writing!
Love,
CATS
Thank you for kind words yet again, CATS! They really make my day =)
No prob! Always positive for me...