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139,211 Literary Works • 672,510 Reviews
Prompt 'popsicles & pools' courtesy of @Avian
Hi
Hey there, Fannie. Not sure this is the best place to introduce yourself but welcome to YWS! XD
I see a couple of more abstract interpretations for this poem, which is fun because each one is unique. There are a few lines I find harder to decipher, like "I feed not one mouth but two." Which, of course, could refer to the family, so maybe I'm reading too much into it. (oops)
I noticed that you mentioned the poem was initially going to be free verse. Honestly, I like the mix of free-verse and rhyme. It gives the poem an unconstricted vibe.
Overall, it's a fun read since you can interpret this from the popsicle's literal point of view, or you can be philosophical and find a hidden note somewhere between the lines, haha ><
I enjoyed this, keep it up ^^
Hey EvalisseRae, thank you for giving this a reading and dropping such an encouraging review. To provide some clarification, the two mouths refer to- the first mouth being the customer who buys the popsicle to enjoy his vacation with his family, and the second mouth being the popsicle selling street vendor. The second mouth is more figurative and indirect. The vendor secures the money he earns from selling popsicles to buy food his family. This is his occupation that keeps the bellies of his wife and kids fed and his household running. This way, the same popsicle is responsible for not one, but two families not going hungry. Hope this helped clear things up! I especially liked your varied interpretations. I truly appreciate your kind words, thanks again.
Hmm... interesting poem. I somehow found it... hard to rhyme? I think in the line "I don't mind if you bite or lick" would sound much better if you switched the last two words, "bite" with "like".
However, the consistency of word count in every stanza is very important for recieving stronger rhymes.
Really great poem, I love the vibe. A few minor adjustments to the phrasing and structure could enhance its rhythm and make the rhymes feel more natural.
Keep writing!
Thank you for the review, Roohas! Yes, I agree the bite and lick sound better switched in positions. That was what I initially meant but I somehow mistakingly placed them, my bad. I understand why'd you think this was a bit difficult to rhyme. It really was a struggle, as I wanted to write it in free verse to keep it flowy in the initial draft. But when I found some rhymes I could work with, I thought if I could try blending both the ideas in one poetry, with shifting between rhyme and no rhyme in each stanza. I just didn't want to cut out the non rhyming stanza I had already written which worked out well in its ideas. Clearly, the innovative combination didn't work as well as I had planned. I'll definitely keep your advice, of paying more heed to structure and phrasing, in mind for my future projects! I'm glad you enjoyed reading this and thanks for the helpful feedback, it really helps me grow. I might edit this sometime in the near future but right now I'm blank as to how to make it dazzle with what I've already got.