Those late night festivities in town
Folks singing and dancing around
The roaring bonfire, incandescent
You'd drag me to, as an adolescent
Crackling flickers, and popping wood
The ashed memory of my youthhood
You'd hand the reluctant me a guitar
Beating tambourine, under the stars
Your infectious laugh, a gentle breeze
As the night unfolded, I felt at ease
I'd grin, glancing at the manuscript
Enjoying a rave I nearly skipped
You'd subtly nudge a pretty girl my way
Hand in hand, to the music we'd sway
She'd toss me a can and sit beside me
The daughter of the new mayor to be
You'd tease me over my summer crush
And I could feel myself inevitably blush
Even without you, the bonfire soars
To see you again, my eyes go sore
Flames & sparks ascend too high
A red glow under the deep black sky
Nothing's changed but there's a void
Of your name, that I cannot avoid
Now I'm a grown man, in his prime
Facing the bonfire, recalling old times
My ambitions too big to fit our beach house
So I leave this place behind, for a penthouse
I love you dearly mother, but I can't anymore
Live a reflection of what used to be before
The girl you found for me summers ago
She's now the mayor, her father's shadow
Spotting me, she approaches with a smile
Suddenly, I could feel myself get hostile
So I chose to turn around & withdrew
Knowing well, I can't do this without you
Hia Alex. I know I am supposed to read your Napo Poems but I figured I read something special for my 1000th review and so I came here 😊
Ohh I like “the ashed memory” that is a rly cool phrase!
Aww that is so wholesome: “Enjoying a rave I nearly skipped”
There is a saying in Germany going “Jemanden zu seinem Glück zwingen” which means: forcing someone to their own happiness. And this line just embodies this feeling. “I would not have gone, would not have had this fun night, if you didn’t force me to come”
Awwww
Oh the next line is so melancholic, even without you. Makes me anxious to think abt why they are not here anymore.
OHhh ☹ “ but there's a void
Of your name”
Oh no so… his mom died… and now he cannot do what she once helped him accomplish (I get a distinctly ~male~ feeling from the narrator here, hope that is okay with you)
I also like how even this review kinda comes full circle. Like the narrator no longer has someone to force happiness upon him and instead retreats. Ah what a sad end to something that started so nice.
Beautiful poem :3
PS: Go crush the exams! You can do it!!
PPS: reading the other reviews I once again feel like such a savage brute who doesn't get anything. Yes, yes beautiful metaphor with the bonfire, now I see it too!
Tho I feel like i did get the meaning of the girl. maybe the German saying saved me from finding this element off-putting? =D
I can't tell you how much this makes my day, the most special early bday gift.. Ahhh you're so amazing, Tikaa and congratulations on completing a 1000 reviews like damn. And choosing a poem of mine for that honor, it means so much to me. I've always had a soft spot for this one, admittedly. Anf the phrase you mentioned, is so BEAUTIFUL. Definitely captures the theme of the entire poem rather well, relatable for the narrator and me lol. I'm so happy you liked the metaphor of the love interest, as it was definitely my favorite addition but I was afraid it came across too literal and distracting. Appreciating the fire is easy my friend, but you are picking out the tricky poetic stuff now like a pro! I'm gonna be giving my best for the exams, thank you for the kind wishes. I hope everything is going well for your soon to be complete family, thanks for reading! <3
About the male protagonist, it was very much intended from my end. I always try to write from varying perspectives, even if they don't exactly align with my own preferences. It's such a fun way to exercise one's brain, making new mixes with our own trauma and limitations and imaginary superficial traits for a character and seeing them live it through the narrative.
Ohh Alex, I hope I don't miss your b-day
Part of the joy of learning a new language is getting access to so many cool new idioms and sayings :3
I didn't feel distracted by the Love Interest, so it was working on me.
Oh I will definitely keep an eye on the way you phrase your poems now! I already noticed a clear distinction in Aiden's mystery~
Hi AlexWrites! Hope you are doing well!
This feels like a campfire story, which is fitting for the title! I like how the reader goes on a journey with the speaker throughout youth and adulthood; we get to revisit the same characters without the piece dragging on—all while exploring themes of loss, the grief that comes with it, and grappling with this change. Paired with the rhyming, I think the overall cadence makes the poem flow really well.
One of the strengths here is definitely the narrative nature of this poem. The storytelling quality makes it immersive and builds room for character growth in the speaker, and I like that there are recurring characters. In the same vein, the mentions of the mayor's daughter kind of distract from the speaker's own personal growth/experience with the loss of their mother. We're only taken back to this realization with the last line: "Knowing well, I cant do this without you". I kind of think this could be refined more? At first I get the sense that the speaker is growing up, perhaps coming to terms with their loss, because they are refocusing on this girl (potential love interest). That is, until this line at the end. It kind of creates a mixed message to me? I think if the weight of the poem, and the core of it, centers around the speaker's relationship to his mother, there should be more emphasis on this in the last stanza. Perhaps the mayor's daughter represents the inability to move on from such a great loss, but the emphasis on this feels slightly disconnected from the speaker's relationship to his mom.
I see the bonfire as a metaphor for the traditions the speaker had with their mother, building community and connecting with others across many summers. While times may have changed, the bonfire is essentially always there. The beginning sets a pleasant scene: festivities, singing, a crackling fire. Then we get towards the middle, before the jump to adulthood: feelings of a void, a "deep black sky", etc, symbolizing this loss and change. Kind of a harsh flash back to reality. It would be cool to see more juxtaposition in the atmosphere between the beginning / end, like how the presence of grief might evoke more darkness, coldness, etc, in contrast to the beginning where there is an abundance of warmth from the bonfire. Just a thought!
My favorite lines! The setting is depicted so strongly here.
Overall there's a lot of beautiful imagery throughout! You have a great poetic voice and ability to set a scene. I'm not too versed in writing with rhyme, so it's impressive to me when it can be used without taking away from the quality of storytelling. Thanks for sharing!
Calamity
I hear you loud and clear, Calamity! I get why'd you think the girl distracts us from the narrator's personal growth and dealing with his mother's loss, completely. Here the girl is a resident of the town in which their beach house is, making her a local while the protagonist and his mother only visit in the summers. I've tried to use the girl as a symbol of the mother's choice and blessing to her son as she is the one who originally nudges her towards him. In the mother's presence, we see how the protagonist so naturally mingles with this girl. Years after his mother's death, things have changed. He's now got these big ambitions that no longer allow him the peace of life at the beach house. The bonfire aches without his mom. We see that when the same girl approaches her after all this time, he desserts her instead. How the protagonist interacts with the girl is a mere reflection of his inner mental state. Also her mother's presence has a way of making him feel comfortable in the initial part. After her loss he's overcome by a thought that he's not capable of doing it without her. I fear I may have used the character of the girl s little too liberally as a puppet. But also, there's a major reason he chooses to walk away from the girl - the fact that his mother wanted her for the protagonist, so he'll always see his mother's reflection in the girl- a pain he cannot bear for the rest of his life. So he chooses to walk by past trauma instead. I appreciate you wanting more insight into the aftereffects of the loss and the relationship between mother & son. But the girl was my metaphor for all of the unsaid things. Also I feared it might make the topic too heavy to flow as easily it has did here. I do understand the reasons for your suggestions by heart, but I think the poem works better like this. It's simple, rolls like a round ball and there's a lot to read between the lines here. I appreciate your helpful feedback though, I'll keep them in mind for my future projects! Thank your for giving this a read dropping this fabulous thorough review!
Just like it described, dramatic and realistic (in a great way). It's CATS here to review your great poem! Let's get right into it...
The first paragraph gives it a great start! I can picture a scene at night with bonfires and festivities, so fun and full of memories.
Such an unique syllable and rhyme pattern. Love it!
Ooo, a girl! Nice. I can see it talks about love and is also full of memories
The last few paragraphs are full of emotion and flashbacks of his youthhood.
Overall, I think this poem is AMAZING like all your others, and I can't wait to see more!
Love,
CATS
Thank you for another great review, CATS! I'm sorry it took me a few days to respond, I was away for some important work. I'm glad you enjoyed it though, it's always a pleasure hearing such positive things about my work from you.
No problem! Always happy to review!!!