Word count: 2.208
The roaring of the underground bullet-train messed with his thoughts. Finally, the moment has come. It somehow managed to leak through the noise. He imagined the salty taste of his own tears. For quite some time, he had no more tears to shed.
He was lying in the pitch darkness, like he always did. His sight was no longer of use, he realized that some time ago. He have learned to ignore the pressure of the shackles, they have been part of his body just as his legs were. Still, he wished he could take them off for at least for one, last time. To wave his hands freely. Did he even know how to use them now? Would they listen? It was one of the numerous things he had forgotten how to do.
But being chained here, in this train, it was quite different than sitting in his prison, waiting for another round of torture. Now, he was nothing more than package. Pile of meat they are going to burn down soon enough.
He felt the cold liquid entering his veins. Sadly, it was his last supper.
Everyone he had ever loved was buried long time ago. It was him to blame solely. He had no more tears for them, only silent weeping. Thoughts of his own death, those of relief, were the only thing to water his eyes. God be merciful, the moment is coming, may the train be as swift as it always is. For all of his sins, he will be executed.
“Are your scars still burning, good old friend?” the well known voice whispered from the darkness, somewhere from the corner of his cell. Screams of the train rushing at full speed withdrew with the appearance of the voice.
He sometimes wondered when exactly he became mad. But the voice was the only comfort he could get, his only friend. And mercy, above everything else.
“I feel no pain today”, he dared to say. “There is no pain to outshine fact that it’s all going to be over very soon.” It was never hard for him to start chatting with the voice, even through the pain he felt with every breath. The pain was easier to handle than the silence was. Since the voice appeared, the burning of the scars became bearable. He stopped spending every moment praying to suddenly die, even though he knew they wouldn’t let him. Every scar, every drop of blood, every weep of his have been highly calculated, there was nothing that could lead him to sudden death. They simply weren’t making any mistakes.
They knew how to keep him awake forever. There was no moment of relief, until the voice appeared.
“Pain is just an illusion”, voice always told him. “As long as you live, pain is nothing but a lie.”
“Soon”, the old man repeated, “everything will be over.”
“Yes.” It was left floating in the darkness. At the first glance, old man didn’t notice, but then it slammed him in the face. Voice would never speak such a short sentence. It always had plenty of wisdoms for the man, plenty of words to soothe his pain. Did it disappear? He never thought that he would spend his last moments in silence.
After all the years he felt pinching of the shackles again. Warm sweat broke out. Those seconds he had to spend waiting for the voice to whisper to him again were harder to bear than all the torture.
He wished he hadn’t been such a fool, while he was still free. No one had to die, by his or anyone else’s hand. He wished he had seen the world like that while he was still walking under the sun.
But he was found guilty of all the charges. And he was guilty. He served his sentence rightfully. If he only knew what was waiting for him, not only this pain he had to take, but everyone he loved being taken away… none of his desires were worth it. Soon, he will slowly be roasting in the fires of hell.
Thirty one years ago he was sitting on the same train, just in the opposite direction.
“Done grieving for the past, old man?” the voice echoed. Not a single bit of laughter, just the same old, plain question. Lord, it’s still here.
He managed to break a smile. It sure looked much more wicked than a smile, coming from a man who hadn’t smiled for such a long time.
“For the last time” he could repeat that forever. It could be the answer for anything his voice had to tell him tonight.
“Well then”, the voice said, and the old man got that feeling once again. There was an emotion within the voice, and there never happened to be. Today, something was different. “How would you like to see the light of the day again?”
He could feel his brain tearing apart. He shuddered, actually it was more of a feeling that he would overgrow this skin he had in a seconds. He was falling apart.
Empty “what” crawled out of his throat. This must be their last great torture. What could hurt more than a single thought of freedom? He couldn’t be free again, for the sake of all the people who died in his place.
Footsteps. Someone was coming. He grabbed his legs and the laughter of chains filled the room. It didn’t hide the battering of the steps.
“Do you want to lay a flower at the Dana’s grave?” question filled the darkness as the footsteps were getting closer, “don’t you want to revenge on general Jamie?” the voice stopped above him.
“No!” the old man screamed, “let me finally rest!”
“Do you?” the voice convincingly said.
His cheeks were wet again. “Yes, for the love of god, I do!”
The voice grabbed his arm. “Forever remember what you screamed in the darkness of this cell, old man.”
The weight was gone. The cold he felt disappeared. The roaring of the train disappeared. What happened to him? Is he finally dead?
“You will get the answers to your questions soon. You have to recover first, my dear, old friend”, his voice told him. Was it his voice at all?
He was lying in warm, soft bed. He moved uncomfortably as he realized his limbs were free.
“Do not move yet”, the voice commanded. He felt like he could do nothing but obey. “Your freedom comes at a cost, old man. I will return one day to collect the taxes”, he said jokingly, in a dark manner.
“Am I dead?” Nothing else made sense. But he was not burning. No, it had to be something else.
“No, you are free”. Old man could feel the smile growing in the darkness, on someone’s face. “Now”, the voice continued to command again, “I will leave you. In ten seconds, you can press the switch right above your head, and the lights will turn on. Further instructions await you.” The voice leaned over him and gently put something around his eyes. Glasses of some kind, he could guess.
Without a sound, but the old man was sure that now he was left alone. No footsteps. No breaths, ever.
He concentrated as hard as he could and counted to ten. Then his hands barely moved, shaking, but they answered the call. He barely touched the switch, and the pale light washed the room.
Burning. His eyes were burning in pain, but the smile of a madman spread on his face. He moved slowly, as his muscles had atrophied. But they listened to him. Hours had passed when he started to see the other things except for a a light, never able to remove that madman smile from his face. He was giggling like a worm, regaining his strength from the smallest bits of his body.
The room he was in was magnificent. Sheets on the bed were colored crimson, and they smelled nice too. For all the years imprisoned he could feel nothing but the smell of his own sweat and blood. There were three doors. Before he even had a time to imagine what was waiting for him behind each one, he noticed a small piece of paper on a nightstand, sloppily written all over. Instructions, he guessed. The voice never seemed like a meticulous person, anyway.
“The door on the left is a kitchen, there you have fresh food prepared for thirty days. On the right is the closet. Everything in this room belongs to you. Whatever you find; the clothing, or some other, little things belong to you. Enjoy yourself. After you spend ten days here, when you are strong and healthy again, I want you to open the third door. Not before, not later. You will find further instructions behind them. Sincerely, yours
Friend.”
Enjoy yourself. He was mocking him. But he could be anything but mad at his so called Friend. He is in his debt. Other thing that he could acknowledge was that he needed to regain his strength, and do it quickly. Well, then he had no time to waste.
“Daston”, he said while standing in front of the mirror, on the closet, some hours later. “That was my name long time ago. I will wear it shamefully, once again.”
He was surprised how fast he regained all of his strength. He felt alive once again. He knew he didn’t deserve it, but he had to see her grave at least once. He would buy her the most beautiful flowers that ever existed. He never did that when she was alive.
And then, his revenge. Revenge on a man who got rid of everyone he ever held dear. It wasn’t even to lure him out of his hideout, it was for the sake of it, for that man to feel better. Daston was serving for his sin for his whole life, it is time for general to pay for his.
Ten days had passed and he stood in front of the door. Man, fifty seven years old, stronger than ever. Few more debts to pay, now that he has been granted a chance, and he can burn forever.
He grabbed the doorknob, and trembled for a second. The unknown.
He pulled the door, and fell on his back out of surprise, as the dirt crashed on him and filled the room around him. For a moment he was sitting in disbelief as he observed what was in front of him. There was a note clipped on the door.
“You will have to dig yourself out, old man.”
All right Daston, don’t bother yourself with unnecessary questions. Something got you out of a highly guarded underground bullet train in an instant, and now you found yourself in a buried palace. Must be somewhere in limbo. Might as well dig myself a way out, to see what awaits me.
He pulled a shovel peeking from the dirt, and started to work.
* * *
A man in a long, black coat and a broad-brimmed gray hat stood silently at the train station. People were passing around him, whilst he was completely still; yet he seemed impatient.
The man made his grand escape some time ago, but The State managed to silence it. Ah, I can’t wait to see the news today, he was thinking. He slightly swung in place, his hands held behind his back.
The kid approached him, his face smudged with dirt, to beg for change. While reaching to the inside of the coat, he slowly leaned forward and whispered to him: “Be careful, red tiles are dangerous to step on.”
Boy looked down and noticed his torn shoe barely touching the red tile; panic ran over his face for a second as he moved his foot to the safety of the white tile. He stretched open hand and man put his spare money. Kid smiled happily and skipped away, never touching the red tile.
A state so rich and perfect, yet there are still orphans and beggars. And nobody cares. They don't even care themselves, that's just the way things are.
“What a beautiful day”, man thoughtfully said. He didn’t move though, he kept waiting.
The courier carrying piles of newspaper finally arrived. The men gathered around him, and all the papers were gone in an instant.
The black-coated man smiled. With a loud squeal, a steam train entered the station.
“Never thought these trains were still used, anywhere in the world”, he whispered to himself. ”Oh, wait", he said just as he remembered. "This one is a tourist train. Nevertheless, it will still take me where i want to go."
Weirdly skipping, he moved towards the train. He found himself a comfortable seat. He was sitting still, waiting for something yet again.
“God”, he heard people speaking with the very upset tone, few women almost weeping, “Somebody killed general Jamie! And it was in the middle of the capital, too!”
Yes, now he could finally feel relief. Every single piece of papers is talking about the tragedy. Sad day for the state for sure. For him, this news meant only one thing: everything has begun.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,568 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
Hi Alchemist!
I'm Deanie, your new adoptive parent. I have adopted another novel of yours before, so I guess you already know how this goes.
Now, you already have a lot of reviews on this chapter so I am going to skip over any nitpicks I see, seeing as I don't think it would be useful for me to repeat what they say. I will try to focus more so on the story itself and the content. I would like to say what great emotion you have packed in here! I could definitely feel the anguish that Daston was feeling in the train approaching his death. He had suffered so much, that all he wanted to do was let go and die. He was fed up of living, fed up of hurting, but still inside him, deep down, he wanted revenge. I have never been at such an emotion shatter point like that myself, but you have definitely brought me there through your words. Everything that you did describe was described well, and you have made me curious about Daston's past. I wonder when everything he did is going to be revealed to us.
One thing I did notice is that when the voice was talking to him and asked him if he wanted revenge, he first said no, death. Seconds later the voice repeats itself, and in those few seconds he has changed his mind completely. After being tortured for so long, I would've thought that Daston had built up a bit more resolve than this. In my opinion his mind changed too quickly, and he should've been more slow in his decision, or needing more convincing or something. It was just too easy and convenient for the story, in my opinion.
I was a bit confused as to how Daston suddenly switched location from being in the train to being in the underground house. I know this falls under fantasy, but I hope you have a good explanation for this because it is pretty sudden. And Daston supposedly feel anything while this happens? Just a sudden change of scenery? Or does he see a blur and his vision seems to swim before he appears in this foreign place? Putting a step or action between the switch makes it less sudden and less confusing as well, because we have time to process what is happening as a reader.
One other thing is that although you did manage to describe the train and everything to do with it very well. You need to expand the setting. What's outside of the train? Make Daston look out there so we can see as well. Other than this train suspended in space, we have no clue that there may or may not be an outside world, and what it looks like. Another opportunity would be to show us the world when we get to the second part of the chapter and there is a different man in the story. It would be nice to know more about the land and how it reflects on the story as well. You don't just have to have paragraphs showing the setting, but you also have the setting discretely incorporated in actions and in the actually story itself. If you manage to do that, it's often better but also something harder to do.
Also, it might be nice to give the second man a name as well. I am assuming we will get to see more about him in the next chapter, but it might be nice to have it hear as well.
By the way, why is this a prologue? I feel like it's chapter one to a novel, and not all novels really need a prologue. Sometimes it's inappropriate because we don't need an introduction to the story, but really just jump in there instead. So, I felt like this was more a chapter one than anything else.
I have nothing more to say! This was an awesome beginning, and I can't wait to keep reading and see where the story is going to go. You've piqued my interest with the voice guiding him through his life and all.
Deanie x
hey deanie,thanks for your review. I'm not sure if you wish to continue reviewing this story since im barely using yws nowdays, too many things to do... though I am still on with this story. xD So you really dont have to review them, they are realllly long and all.
Let me also give you few quick answers: this is prologue since it is not directly connected to the rest of the story, the jump from the train to the underground house was in fact in a blink of an eye, and also his room was windowless and train was underground so it was somewhat isolated from time and space. xD
And yeah, the second man doesn't really have a name at all so far and I'm really deep into the story. xD
Would it still be useful to review or not? Let me know and I will do whichever you say ^^
Well yeah, it would, but I feel bad about saying it since I'm not really that active anymore...xD
Well, as long as you come by now and again to check for a review, then I shall be here and reviewing it! I can't guarantee they will all be helpful, but I will do my best
Hey, Alchemist! Pompadour here to review as requested~
I'm so, so sorry for the lateness!I thought I'd start with the prologue before critiquing all your chapters, since I find it easier to develop ideas after I've dissected a work thoroughly enough; then I move towards offering suggestions and the like. I'll be paying special attention to description, character development and setting. I won't be much help in the grammar department over here, since the reviewers before me have already commented on that enough, but hopefully, I'll be able to give you a couple of pointers here and there.
Okay, so first off: description. One thing that really bugged me was that you have a tendency to be quite vague. The thoughts don't link with one another, and perhaps that's what makes you think this is "badly written." You told me to be honest in my review and I think this does have potential, but you're being too afraid and too hesitant with what you write. These are the vibes I'm getting anyway, both as a reader and as a reviewer. I skimmed through previous reviews before settling down to write this one, and I've noticed that even though the general gist of plot and action is showing through, there's too much mist and disjointed-ness to entirely figure out what's happening. How about break this prologue up into parts and quote bits to you before giving you an insight into my thoughts? I hope that'll work for you.
Quick nit-pick: "has" should be "had", since you're writing in past-tense.
All right, take a look at this description. Whenever you write, you have to remember that you're creating an image and that image needs to be conveyed to the reader. Break up what you're trying to say. Lemme see here ...
1) You start off with the general setting, which is always a good choice to begin with. I think it's a nice change, beginning with sound instead of sight, and you also manage to draw us in when you mention how your character feels about his surroundings. Good so far.
2) You mention your character's thoughts--at least, I assume they're thoughts, since they're in italics--but the thing is, even though you've technically told us that the noise messed with your MC's thoughts, the second line still doesn't make enough sense. This could be because there's not much of a link between the two ideas you've presented, or because you're not being specific enough with what you're saying. See, whenever you convey an idea, you're either supposed to build upon it or, if it isn't important, you start with a new one.
So when you say "It" managed to leak through the noise, it's rather unclear whether you're talking about the thought that came before, or the tears that follow in the sentence after. Be clear in what you say; the reader could assume you're talking about the tears since you've used the word "leaking."
So far, the problems. Here's the remedy:
Establish a connection. Decide on what you want to convey and shuffle the sentences so one leads to another. Think of it as a chain: it's simple cause and effect. That is, one sentence should lead to another. This is how I would edit it--though you are, of course, perfectly inclined to edit it as you wish:
Doesn't it all link up now? The only thing you have to master is making sure that one description supports another; think of sentences as bricks, and your chapter as a wall in a house. Each description must support another.
Hrm, I notice that people before me have pointed out the fact that you've tripped over tenses in a few places. That's quite a common problem, actually, one that people often have to point out to me whenever I try writing in a new tense! I've found that the Knowledge Base really helps in this case, as does reading out loud since you notice a lot of stuff that you wouldn't really be able to see otherwise. You can always check this out.
Alright, so technicalities aside, you have a good grasp of plot. Yes, it's interesting and I'll definitely be reviewing--and reading--the next chapters as soon as I can. One thing that I do think you need to work on, though, it the ability to specify. You see, while you're being vague with the names of your characters in the beginning as well as their actions, you don't hook the reader as readily as you could, which is a pity because as I go on reading it appears that you have a well-drafted plot but you're not giving us all the details. For example, in the beginning, you refer to the old man as "He/him" and the reader gets impatient. "Who is this person?" they demand to know. Also, the scene-shift was pretty abrupt, and while you portrayed the image of the mad man very nicely--and very convincingly, might I add--I found myself wondering at who he was and why he was there. These are all part of the mystery-element of your novel, so no problemo there. But when the guard entered the carriage with the old man, that's when things got a little strange for me. It was abrupt and I found myself asking tons of questions, like "who is this man?" "How does he know General Jamie?" "Who is General Jamie? Who's Dana? Why is the old man so disturbed?" I'm not saying you have to tell us everything but you need a foothold for your reader to stand on. Your reader has to know what they're stepping into. This might just be me, but since you're writing in third person perspective--in the perspective of the man--you might want to give us some insight into what he knows, no matter how muddled up the memory is or whatever. Like, I'm assuming this General Jamie killed Dana or something and that Dana was really important to the old man, reasons unknown. Since the man wants to exact vengeance on G.Jamie, I want to see the anger, the thirst for vengeance. I want to know how the man feels. You've told us he wants revenge, yes, but I want to know why. From what I can tell, even though he wants revenge, he's kind of being forced into this. Does he have any memories of the people who're making him do this? Or did he end up in this whole mess on his own? A couple of lines, maybe a "He remembered" would be nice here. But that all depends on you. I suppose many of these questions will be answered as I read on, so I won't bother you with them.
Which brings me to my final critique:
Show, don't tell.
You have a great grip on description, on suspense and on cliffhanger-y endings. Even so, there are places where you could delve a bit deeper into the setting, like the part nearing the end where we find out Jamie's been killed. It was really confusing, if I'm honest here. It was gripping, but it was confusing. The old man's name is Daston? You tell us so deep into the piece that the reader gets confused. Tell us in the beginning, through dialogue, through description, thought, anything! Don't leave yer readers hanging! I've done that often enough, and people tell me to be strong with what I have to say. Don't be hesitant.
Lemme see here--the plot. I like where this is going. Who doesn't want to read about a man held captive, seeking revenge? And a story that starts out with a high-profile murder? Yes! I do think you could've elaborated on Jamie's death, since I would've liked to see the ruckus his murder caused. Instead of chatting, I'd imagine the people to be panicked. I'd imagine tighter security to make up for the lapse. Dark, dark details. Frustration. Fear. Show it to us!
I admire your character development in this piece, though you do have a tendency to concentrate your efforts on the main character as a whole instead of secondary characters. Since this is only the prologue, though, I think it works fine. I enjoyed reading this, truly, and I will be back for more!
Keep writing! Keep up the fantabulous work!
I hope this helped~ Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
~Pompadour
Thank you for your awesome review! I certainly do agree with quite some of the things suggested, and I will work on them as soon as possible! Thanks for the read/review!
No problem! I'll get to your next chapter as soon as I can. Thank you for the wonderful read!
Cynder for a review. I like the concept of your writing, very illusionist and mysterious. I would, however, take the time to double check some of your plural and singular words. So like,
"Every single piece of papers."
I'd say to make the papers, paper. There are some punctuation errors as well. When you use dialogue, you put the period after the quote marks, you want that before the quote marks. The only other thing would be to add more things like, 'So the sinister voice whispered.' To give the reader a clear definition, I guess, of who exactly is speaking then. I would also add imagery just a little more in the train. So, I'm guessing the cell is pitch-black? You could add that in there as well as some sense of direction as to where the voice is coming from. Other than those things, your writing is very mysterious and I like it. Just make sure that the next one to come gives some things that are clear and some things that aren't. Maybe even add in some foreshadowing, of how the main character will go on. It was a pleasure to read this work. Thank you and I hope I helped.
Thank you for reading and the review!
Nitpicks are useful, thank you. But i can't help myself, i have to explain why i did puntuation as i did. When i was a kid, i clearly remember my teacher telling me that, at the end of dialogue, if it ends with period, it can slip under quotation marks. So i was wery stubborn and didn't want to check it until now. I can tell you, my teacher was a fool, so i will edit all those errors i made.
I will consider describing the cell a little bit more, i know its all uncertain and maybe hard to get complete picture, but on the other hand im not sure if it helps the confusion i want to achieve with this prologue.
I hope my explanation didn't bother you, but it made me actually finally check is it correct and now i see that im wrong. Thank you for that!
And also...im glad you liked it, its ecouraging!
No problem and I understand where you're coming from. Then, maybe, if you want it more confusing you can incorporate that into it, clearly tell the reader that. But it's up to you
That's a long list of reviewers down there... Let's just hope I don't repeat what they said.
is used only a paragraph before you use 'entered' again here. (Granted, I really like how you wrote that sentence. Beautiful.)Now, first thing, and I noticed this in the second chapter too, was that you always use 'will' instead of the past tense of the word. Many of these 'will's (ie: He will buy her the most beautiful flowers) ought be be 'would'. I know. It's weird that English has a past tense form of a future tense verb. But English is an awful language, and even my classmates in high school can't do verb tense correctly, so you're actually doing very well.
Next thing: While you've got a great vocabulary (there were some words I don't see that often!) there were a few points where you repeated a word in close proximity.
And lastly, a this one nitpick that hopefully no one else has already given you...
Shouldn't this be 'feel relief'?
And... that's it for this one. You did a great job with this prologue; it's very suspenseful and question-raising. They way you simply dumped your reader into this world was perfect, and created exactly the kind of confusion we want to feel.
I'll get onto the next one soon!
Thank you for the reveiw!
I really never noticed i was repetitive there, and it is quite a big deal, so glad you spotted it. Nice nitpick at the end, you got the right on that one as well.
Im glad that prologue had the effect i wanted to!
Hey Alchemist! Silver here to review for you this fine day!!
So let's get to it!
Main Points
Laying Should be lying
Should be had forgotten
What liquid? His tears? Specify.
Oooh, lovely line! Great stuff. I love the double meaning.
Okay so one reoccurring problem that I've noticed that you have is that you often forget to include the article before the noun. Others have kind of mentioned it here and there but i'm just going to summarise it a little more.
There should be a "The" before "roaring.
Should be "the" or "a" kid.
Okay so overall, I don't really know what this story is about or where it's going but that's okay because prologues are generally meant to be confusing and since your character is insane it seem almost appropriate. Along that vein I thought your character was written fairly well, he really did seem like a mentally unstable man and he was quite intriguing. Overall I thought that this was an interesting beginning and I look forward to seeing more! Keep it up and happy writing!!
Silverlock
Hey Silver, one more review i forgot to reply to, im so sorry, i was really busy.
)
Thanks for the grammar nitpicks, some i had already solved on my own, some i still have to correct, tho im not that concerned about grammar atm, but i will surely get to it once, and this will be very useful (it already is, since im still writing
I'm glad it was a bit confusing, its a prologue that doesn't reveal much, but chapters will be much more clear.
Thanks for the review, it will certainly help my further writing!
Hey Alch (if I may call you that? Unless you have a preferred nick name). Yeah grammar reviews never benefit anyone. I think back when I wrote the most of it you were asking for grammar nitpicks. I had to leave halfway and come back to this. My subsequent reviews will hopefully be of more use
You can call me however you feel like. ^^
No worries, this was useful to me, i edited alot of mistakes thanks to grammar reviews and it also helps me learn english better.
Hi!
Dreamy here!
I read the other reviews, they all have covered most of the parts. So, I don't have to repeat it, I suppose. xP The one thing you should like, very badly have to follow is this,
You can't begin a sentence by simply saying "Kid" Because, I don't know it's just not grammatically correct. Unless "kid" is actually the kid's name. xD Bad joke, I know. ._.
That being said, you got a very good story. Somehow it felt like the movie, The old man. You know, your MC kept chained in an bullet train? o.o Now, wait! Have I mistaken the story? o.o Because, I'm so confused. I understood that he was taken to execute only when I read your reply to one of the review. Which means, you got to work on that part, carefully and clearly. I understand your mind-set up. You don't want to reveal too much in the prologue. Who does? But that doesn't mean you have to hold up yourself from explaining what's happening.
The thing, something which I've assumed, is that you have not planned many things. It felt like you're not sure of what you want. And there were many place where you could have played with words, since it is written in "third-person narration" my favorite. See, that's our strength when we write it in "third-person" We can make most of the things "poetic" and lure our readers.
So there are like only two things you got to do.
#1 Plan. I do that. Plan always. Even if you discard them while writing(which I do, always) At least you're aware of what you want and what you don't.But, you know when you're "over doing" one thing and not being clear with the other. You know where you should concentrate and where you should shed more light.
#2 Explore. Explore with your characters. Go on a trip with them. (Sounds weird, I know) It helps, you will have a better understanding with them, by which you'll start to think like them and lock your sentiments and "senses" in a closet. That way, you'll know how they'll react at "situations" Explore with words. Learn new words, everyday. Use them in your work. You'll experience a good change. In you (No, you'll not go insane. Trust me ) And in you're work.
Okay, I will stop now.
Anyways, good writing! Edit this over and over again, until you're satisfied with yourself.
Keep writing!
Cheers!
Heeey, i totally forgot that i didn't reply to you'r review, im so sorry(at least you knew my opinion in chat xD).
I will have to watch that movie, The old man, i don't wanna be copycat, even if its coincidence. And..i was pretty sure it was clear he was on his way to executuon, will have to read it and find a new way to explain it...
You've given me interesting advices, so what i have to do now is not go insane...i guess...might be too late.
Thanks for reading!
Great!
You have done the prologue excellently! I love the mystery and the suspense. You explained the man's sadness and fear very well.
I just don't know how to imagine the prison he was in, was he on a train? or the train was passing by?
The beginning isn't much of a deal, it may be written "badly" but what matter is what you said not how you did it.
It is very gripping and I can't wait for more!
Keep writing please.
Thanks, im so glad you liked it!
Yeah, it actually came to me that at the first glance maybe i havent explained where he actually was, and that is on a bullet train on his way to execution. Tho i think i actually said later he was now taking the same train in the opposite direction. But i will consider redoing first explanation.
I will let you know when i have more text done!
Honestly, I don't think I can say much about this prologue. Now, the opening seem to be confusing in my opinion. The first sentence didn't make any sense.
One of the things that redeemed this, was the emotional part. The way you described the man's grief had saddened me. Emotions poured all over the paragraphs that held those parts. A well job done, is what I meant.
On the other hand, the mysterious man was oddly peculiar and mysterious. I believe that the way he act was extremely mystifying. He kept on alluring me to know more about him.
One more thing, I think after these " " you don't need a period or a comma. Just place it inside if it is needed.
The ending had left me wanting more . . .
Btw, there were some typos and other stuff that needs proof reading. Overall, I like this start. Great work here!
Thank you for a nice reivew!
So im a bit worried, since i didnt plan my main plot to go too much hand in hand with this, im totally reconsidering as ive god quite a lot of positive feedback here. 
Noelle just pointed out about the first sentence and i got it, i will rework it as soon as im free. I kinda though something like "becouse the bullet train was so loud, he couldnt think clearly, but then that one though leaked thrugh the noise..." But yeah i will rework.
Your review is just...ehh i didnt expect to make such a strong effect!
I tend to make alot of typos, and what is worse i can never actually see them myself(xD), but that will take my attention soon eough.
Thanks for the read, glad for your review!
Hi there!
This makes no sense to me at all. Did you mean to say something like this: "The sound of a roaring bullet train darkened his thought. "Finally, the moment has come," he said, grinning as he tried to contain his excitement". That would make much more sense. Although I'm not sure if that's what you really meant or not.
Overall you've got an interesting story here. I'm very interested in what/who this voice is and what it has to do with the rest of the story. At the beginning it just seemed to be a voice that was in the man's head. I mean, after spending years in a cell I think I'd start hearing a voice too. It would be totally in my head, but it would be there none the less. But then as we go on, it's apparent that this voice actually belongs to someone.
This is a really long prologue. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. I just happen to like short prologues. Prologues seem to highlight part of the past or give the readers a look into the story. If it's too long I start seeing it as a chapter. Personally, I think you can cut down this prologue by a bunch of words; especially the ending after the page break. I think ending the prologue with the man digging himself out would be good. Then you would leave your readers with a nice cliffhanger and something to think about. And starting off chapter 1 with the whispers of Jamie's death would be a nice transition into the story. Then we'd know that the man had succeeded in getting his revenge. That'll jump start the story quick.
One quick grammar nitpick before I go.
You do this a lot in this. You're missing a word at the beginning of this sentence. It should read "A man", not "Man". There are many other times you missed a word in this, but I'm not going to go through and point all of them out. That would be tedious and I'm sure you don't want to read through that all. My suggestion is to read over this again out loud and you'll catch the mistakes.
Let me know when you post the first chapter! I'll gladly take a look at it.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey there, thanks for your reveiw!
Now that you pointed that 1st sentence out, i see that i havent necessariy made clear what i thought, and i will think about redoing those.
Im glad that i made the effect i wanted with the voice, this made me quite happy!
Hmm, about the lenght of the prologue, and why did i put all of these information at one place, is becouse the main plot will unfolde something different. Here i tried to give an insight into one of the main characters and his motives to what he will be doing in the rest of the story, and the page break is there to show something about that State where things are taking place, and a character im not even decided what he will do next.
So that was a nice suggestion but i dont think i will put some of it into chapter one, since it doesnt belong to the main story.
About the grammar, thanks a lot, im not even sure i will pass my english test this month with a 6. So yeah i need those nitpicks!
-Alchemist
Seems rather interesting, not the type of story I expected from you but you should take that as a compliment. Starting with psychological side of it and a struggle that's going in the head of the main character, for me, is the best way to keep readers expecting something mystical or maybe in the other hand, something deeply human that we all can identify with. Reflecting on serving his sentence, literally and also metaphorically is a part of a life journey reaching it's final steps. At the first glimpse, I can't be sure if it is all happening in protagonist's head or in a real time and place, but in the end it doesn't even matter. Prison and also taking the same train in opposite direction can also be interpreted as a way of reflection and reconsidering one's life. In lack of bulletproof evidence if the voice from the cell is real or just a part of imagination, the only certain thing we can assume from this is that the main character is given a freedom, new start and a second chance. Some answers on Daston's past and events giving more clues of Dana and general Jamie will be interesting part to hear in the rest of the story.
Thank you, my friend! I couldnt see it any different than a compliment!
Quite few of your assumptions of symbolism were correct, tho the others will certanly make me think a bit. I still havent fully developed the main storyline, so it will take some time to think it thorough. Im very uncertain about what is going to happen next or even what the place this story is taking place will look like.
In case you didnt notice, there is a part at the end of the prologue where a few hints could be found about that topic. Thanks for healthy review.