Hi Alchemist!
I have really been taking my time when it gets to reviewing things so I know this is long overdue. I hope this review still is of some use to you.
I have to say this was my favourite chapter of them all so far. I think I liked this so much better because so far Alice is my favourite character and this was all from her perspective. Also, there were fewer grammar and punctuation mistakes than in the previous chapters, and the writing style is perfect for the emotions Alice is showing. Although she always feels one step ahead of all the other soldiers, she doesn't know the complete plan and isn't doing the main part which is making her wonder just how important she is. She didn't realize that the people she was working with were so talented as well, denting her self worth all the more. I loved reading this and I hope by the little suggestions I have given before you can make this chapter the best it can be. If all the rest are like this then I know I will enjoy the rest of your novel
At the end of the tunnel, they reached a wall where all of the bullets she had fired ended up rammed into.
There isn't anything necessarily wrong with this sentence but I have a feeling you could make this more descriptive so that we feel more of a threat by seeing how many bullets she has been firing. Let the image sink home of the battle they are having emotionally for the readers as well. So instead of saying there was a door peppered with bullets, have Alice looking at the chipped wall now pimpled with all the bullets she has fired and examine it in awe, wondering how many of those shots had hit home. Give it a bit more importance and indirectly it will add to setting and emotion as well. Alice does strike me as someone who is trained to kill and yet is thoughtful at the same time. Especially as she mentions that although these brainwashed soldiers are innocent, death is still necessary for a revolution.
But she trusted Shael with all of her hearth
I think you mean 'heart' instead of hearth.
There is no revolution without blood.
Because all of this story is in past tense it felt strange to have the sudden switch to present. I think the 'is' should be made into a 'was'. However, if you were trying to make this sentence long lasting (as in there is, and never will be a revolution without blood,) then the key word you are missing here is 'never'. Form the sentence differently so the tense doesn't matter. Like so: There will never be a revolution with blood. It has more finality to it.
Several more shocked men ran into Daston's bullets.
I feel like here is another chance to put a bit more description into it. These are dying men, and you need to make that fact matter a bit more to us. Show us how their faces were shocked instead of telling us. Describe how their mouths opened with a cry as their eyes went wide from pain as blood spurted out of their bodies. Or show a face on the ground, eyes open and staring into the distance as blood seeped out of him, as he is already dead. That will help the image of the dead and the high number really hit home. Remember, even if masses of people are dying in a story, picking out a few for description can help bring the emotional levels of a reader up. Desensitizing them is not a good idea because when it comes to reading, emotion is what readers crave.
None of them was ever in a real battle.
I wonder, how did Alice know none of them had ever been in a real battle? A few of them could've been? Or is it something in the way they fight? Either take this assumption out or show us the reason why Alice has reason to believe so.
They were pressed.
I think the word you were really looking for here is 'surrounded' instead of 'pressed.'
“Just what exactly are they doing”,
You seem to have the habit of putting the comma on the outside of the speech marks. I was always taught that they should go on the inside, and when it comes to published books this is also the most common form of doing it (if there are even other ways, which there might be.) So I would strongly suggest you start putting the commas on the inside of the speech marks throughout all your chapters. But it doesn't matter for the quote above much anyway since that should really end in a question mark due to it being a question.
She will have to fight few more times before they reach the checkpoint.
I think you need an 'a' in between the words 'fight' and 'few'.
It was all going exactly according to the plan;plan which was bound to fail.
Don't forget the space after the colon there! I also think you need the end of the sentence to read like this: a plan which Alice believed was bound to fail. Don't say it like it is fact that they will fail because it is simply Alice's opinion and not one they all share. That's just something to be careful of doing.
“Daston, you are bleeding!” she had almost yelled in surprise.
I like this mention of mystery at Daston. But I think we should see it before she says it. What I mean is show us her eyes shifting to Daston and her thoughts as she realizes that he is hurt before she says anything. That way the focus is on the matter for a bit longer, and you're showing instead of telling all the time as well. Showing and not telling is something I have noticed you should look out for. I do understand that it is hard to know when an opportunity arises to show instead of telling though, so I will give you that
All the soldiers will fall before they even find her.
That makes this sound like a final and determined already case although it isn't. Maybe soften it a bit so we know it's what Alice thinks will happen instead of what will be happening for sure. For example, something like: With this weapon Alice was sure all the soldiers would fall before they even found her.
Significantly louder shot blew the wall right in front of them.
You either need to add an 's' to the end of the word shot, or add the word 'A' to the beginning of this sentence for it to make sense.
And that is all I can really help you with here! You've got a great chapter and the plot is definitely moving forward for sure. I look forward to reading the next installment now and finishing off this chapter. Great job ^.^
Deanie x
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