Fingers grasp fabric, but never warm skin
are attached to a palm, forming such a scalding hot sin
For the hand that is covered in blood,
often belongs to an arm with no one to hug
It’s followed by a shoulder too heavy to bear,
the weight piles on, for pity is but a snare
next is a chest, so empty and cold
no feelings are left, no torso to hold
a face is so pale, no friend to soak in sunlight with outside
eyes with no one to tell how long they have cried
the tears drip down freezing cheeks, ones that have never been kissed
and past a jaw that trembles when chapped lips confess “I’ll never be missed”
They drop down to a neck, with a voice to cry out loud
“no one will hear me, no one to impress and make proud”
the tears fall down to my fingers, clawing and outstretched
how hard should I press until my pain will be etched?
fingers grasp fabric, but never warm skin
and I am left with no hand to hold once again
legs that are running, never to reach their goal
perhaps it’s the images, or something someone stole
a heart that has been crushed, right at my fingertips
painful memories are forced into my crypt
shoddy words are exchanged, held in days that fly by
my pain is like a doll that won’t die
is this pain real? Can chemicals be this severe?
not a fuss, not a word, of this ordeal
a smile will be carved on my face like a doll,
admit it, you never cared, not at all.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,240 Literary Works • 672,520 Reviews
Hey, coming in with a review for this magnificent poem!
My first impression of this poem is that I love the rhyme scheme. It doesn’t seem too fake, which is something that’s hard with rhyme. Bravo!
This poem, overall, just seems so painful. I can feel the narrator’s pain throughout the poem, which is mostly due to the tone and diction. The tone just seems so somber. I commend you for packing so much hurt into this small package.
Overall, I just love this. I can’t wait to see more! Happy RevMo!
happy RevMo! and good job getting into the bronze awards!
Hai :3
I love the raw, emotional power of this piece!! The way it builds up with each body part, like we’re slowly unraveling this overwhelming sense of isolation and pain, is just so intense!! Starting with the hands grasping fabric but never skin is such a perfect way to open, setting this cold, detached tone that just keeps growing, and it feels like a steady spiral downward that pulls me in. It really captures this haunting, cyclical feeling that really drives home that loneliness ~~ Like, no matter what, the narrator can’t escape this loop of hurt and suffering they're stuck in.
I love the doll imagery!! It’s haunting and connects to the theme of being objectified or feeling fake. I'm really into the personification of pain as this doll too, which keeps coming back. It feels almost eerie and tragic, like this constant companion that won’t leave no matter how much the narrator might want to rid themselves of it!! That could be a metaphor for so many things, and I think it's a very consistent one at that; there's a lot of room!! I could imagine this poem being about metal illness, for example. It hits home, no matter what it symbolizes!!
^^^ But I feel like it could be introduced earlier or built up throughout the poem, making the final reference even more potent. There’s this dark thread of the narrator feeling like a puppet or a facsimile ~~ I think leaning into that more might benefit this!! You could weave it in by describing the body in mechanical, doll-like terms; maybe the narrator’s fingers are stiff like porcelain, their smile feels “painted on,” or their limbs move with the rigidness of a puppet. I wish there was just something more since it's the theme!! There is a lot of wiggle room too, since it's not cliche.
Powerful way to conclude this!!
It’s an emotionally charged statement, and it feels like we’ve reached a climax, but there could be more reflection on why this person never cared. It made me wonder a few things: what was lost or stolen that led the narrator to this revelation? I'm aware there is a second person throughout, but I'm not sure who that person is in relation to the context of this poem. I could imagine a lover or someone close to the narrator, but I don't know enough!! I think a few more lines could help that out.
This was so deep though!! There was such a sharp contrast between the emotional and physical detachment the narrator feels. It's hard to write something so thematic, but this feels very spooky!! I liked it a lot and enjoyed reading!!
- Payton
thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it. I tried really hard on it but I never got to sign up for that poem contest, so it kind of just... drifted out of my memory. but I'm glad it still has an impact. and honestly, the other person can be depicted as anyone. no one in particular. as you said, its a never ending cycle with a different person each time, so... it kind of solves itself, doesn't it? again, I'm glad that you liked it!