Young Writers Society

Hai :3

I love the raw, emotional power of this piece!! The way it builds up with each body part, like we’re slowly unraveling this overwhelming sense of isolation and pain, is just so intense!! Starting with the hands grasping fabric but never skin is such a perfect way to open, setting this cold, detached tone that just keeps growing, and it feels like a steady spiral downward that pulls me in. It really captures this haunting, cyclical feeling that really drives home that loneliness ~~ Like, no matter what, the narrator can’t escape this loop of hurt and suffering they're stuck in.

My pain is like a doll that won’t die
is this pain real? Can chemicals be this severe?

I love the doll imagery!! It’s haunting and connects to the theme of being objectified or feeling fake. I'm really into the personification of pain as this doll too, which keeps coming back. It feels almost eerie and tragic, like this constant companion that won’t leave no matter how much the narrator might want to rid themselves of it!! That could be a metaphor for so many things, and I think it's a very consistent one at that; there's a lot of room!! I could imagine this poem being about metal illness, for example. It hits home, no matter what it symbolizes!!

^^^ But I feel like it could be introduced earlier or built up throughout the poem, making the final reference even more potent. There’s this dark thread of the narrator feeling like a puppet or a facsimile ~~ I think leaning into that more might benefit this!! You could weave it in by describing the body in mechanical, doll-like terms; maybe the narrator’s fingers are stiff like porcelain, their smile feels “painted on,” or their limbs move with the rigidness of a puppet. I wish there was just something more since it's the theme!! There is a lot of wiggle room too, since it's not cliche.

Admit it, you never cared, not at all.

Powerful way to conclude this!!

It’s an emotionally charged statement, and it feels like we’ve reached a climax, but there could be more reflection on why this person never cared. It made me wonder a few things: what was lost or stolen that led the narrator to this revelation? I'm aware there is a second person throughout, but I'm not sure who that person is in relation to the context of this poem. I could imagine a lover or someone close to the narrator, but I don't know enough!! I think a few more lines could help that out.

This was so deep though!! There was such a sharp contrast between the emotional and physical detachment the narrator feels. It's hard to write something so thematic, but this feels very spooky!! I liked it a lot and enjoyed reading!!

- Payton