I wasn't fast enough,
As the thai sun spilled
Through the taxi window
My fingers fumbled.
The moment lost.
So I'll paint it now;
The way the light simmered
On your skin and enveloped
You in golden warmth
While you napped peacefully
As if it was you glowing
And not the harsh Bangkok heat,
And I hope I've done it justice.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi,
The first thing I noticed is that there seems to be a narratological disconnect between the first two stanzas and I don't think it was your intention to do this (nor do I think it creates a pleasant or desirable effect). It seems to have nothing to do with word choice or tone, but in the way you have visualized the subject of your poem in your mind, and the way you transcribed the mental image with words. Other than that, I was actually quite captivated by the poem, and I generally don't enjoy reading through many poems. The sentimentality is, I think, captured excellently and i especially enjoy the way you juxtaposed the eternal beauty of your subject with the falling of the sun. I hope that this poem is not longer. It seems the perfect length to me.
Lemons
Hi!
I like the style of writing this uses, the sentimentality of the past moment. The second stanza is a perfect example, as the narrator's memory creates this beautiful image to remember, the imagery vivid and outstanding. The first stanza seems slightly broken, in my opinion. I feel that the final line should be "and the moment was lost", as it connects to the previous line better, but as is, the stanza captures the haste of the moment better than my idea. Very good, I'm excited for more!
Hey thanks for the insight. The poems about a single beautiful moment that i wanted to capture on camera but wasnt fast enough. So I decided to record it in poetry, hence the last line, "And I hope I've done it justice."
Im glad you liked it x
Hellooo
It's a wonderful and mysterious poem, but i can't decipher the meaning. The imagery is great and i can almost see whats described when i read it. What i think it might be the writer got in a taxi and someone else got in and fell asleep, but the writer had to get off the taxi and couldn't tell this person that they liked him. or or or the title shutter like a camera, and the writer was in a taxi when they saw a sunset and wanted to take a picture but missed the chance? I'm not sure about the meaning but i love the flow and rhythm. Great poem overall and i honestly can't wait to see more of your writing. Keep doin poetry :3
Hey
Thank you for your kind words. If you would really like to know, the poem isnt about romance or dreaming, just a single moment where the sun shone so beautifully on a person I simply find beautiful and I couldnt take a photo quck enough but I also couldnt get the beautiful image out of my mind and had to record it somehow, remember it in poetry.
Hello there, Luata here for a review. I haven't reviewed poetry in a while, so admittedly, I am a little rusty. As I like to do in the beginning of all of my reviews, this is your work, not mine and everything I have to say is merely a friendly suggestion from my writing style, so feel free to use or ignore whatever you find useful or not. Also, if something I say does not make sense or anything, just drop me a line and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Onward and upward!
Overview
Overall, I thought this poem was a bit ... sentimental. Don't get me wrong, but these types of poems are overused and under-appreciated all at the same time. This type of poem itself is rather cliche, writing about love gained, love lost, and all those star-struck moments in between. I want to see you do something fresh, from a new perspective, per say. That is the challenge I set before you.
Grammar/Rewrites/Just my thoughts and rambles
This stanza doesn't entirely make sense to me, as the reader. Noting that the title is "Shutter" i assume the thing the narrator wasn't fast enough with was the camera. Because this is me and not you, feel free to take these rewrites how you will. If I were to rewrite/rework this stanza, I would do it as thus:
I wasn't fast enough
as the Thai sun spilled
through the taxi window,
my fingers fumbling to capture
the moment, even as it was lost.
The broken sentences add a sense of urgency and something precious lost and the additional words give the reader a sense of what is going on a little bit more. But once again, you are the writer and I am not, so use what you will and ignore what you want.
The rest of the poem I thought was pretty good, but like I said, new perspective. PM me or drop me a line somehow if you rewrite or have something else you want me to review!
~Luata