This is just something I threw together in like 5 minutes, it's more experimental than anything. I deleted one of my other poems and reused the last four lines.
I like curious things like
Dew drops and tea cups,
And waiting to die;
Growing up
Abroad:
Where the places you've lived
Will only ever be ghosts with
No one left.
And the place you’re from
Will only ever be a ghost with
Nothing familiar.
It’s a funny thing,
Anxiety. Because
You’re trapped in the conundrum of
Wanting to hold on to life
So much
That you forget to live.
But the most peculiar of all,
Growing up. Because
The monsters are no longer
Under your bed,
But under your skin
And in your head.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Wow! This is really good! I just have a few comments that I'm going to try to run through quickly.
1) Your lines are very short. When reading it, I felt as though I ended up breaking up too many thoughts and ideas because of the format. Try having no more than two lines per sentence, and make each line longer.
Example:
"Like,
Being an International Student.
Where the place you grew up
Will only ever be a ghost with
No one left."
Makes more sense as:
"Like being an international student,
where the place *where* you grew up will only ever be a ghost with no one left."
The second line is WAY longer, but when I read it, it's much smoother in my mind. I guess you could still put "with no one left" as a third line, but it doesn't seem necessary.
2) I can't seem to find a common theme. This has some really nice lines, but I don't see how they connect to each other; the ideas seem erratic. Try to connect what you're saying better.
3) Also,
"Dew drops and tea cups
And wanting to die
Are all a bit strange,"
Should have a period after "strange". I would actually rewrite this as:
"Dew drops, tea cups, and wanting to die,
Are all a bit strange."
Otherwise, I really liked this piece! You've got some really nice things going here, so keep up the good work!
Happy Writing!
Toboldlygo
Thank you so much for the review
Honestly, my intent for the strange structure was to make it as disembodied and uncomfortable as the poem itself was in order to highlight the lack of links between themes.
%u2013 and in turn, pointing out this erratic strangeness to be what links them at all.
I'm glad the tone was evident, but I'm sorry the intent of it didn't show.
I'll probably revise parts of this soon to clean it up or make the intent more prominent.
Again, thank you for the critique x
This is really cool. especially at the end. It was very eerie almost like chilling when you say
I like the realness in your tone too. comes off very genuine. thoroughly enjoyed this work.
"But it’s the funniest thing of all,
Growing up. Because
The monsters are no longer
Under your bed,
But under your skin
And in your head."
That part really got me, it's so true. as we grow up our perspective on everything changes.. you are so creative! keep writing
Thank you so much
I take it you're an International Student?
Anyway, I have always greatly appreciated a poem that can make a sharp point about the vanities of life. The ironic correlation between things that would typically be desired (studying abroad, having a busy life, and growing up) and what they actually bring (a loss of a real home, anxiety, and a more intimate relationship with your inner demons) is powerful and says a lot about how we tend to deceive ourselves into thinking we've arrived, when really we've just become better at hiding our problems (or ignoring them).
The last paragraph is particularly strong, since it really drives home that adults are just as troubled as children are. The last two lines are a great example of a last-minute "punch."
Unfortunately, having little to no knowledge of meter and how to engineer a poem, I can't give much insight into that, but it is certainly readable and the line divisions make the thematic emphases evident, so I can at least tell you you've got that going for you.
Overall, well done, and yes, I agree. Except for the International Student thing, only because I wouldn't know about that. I agree with the rest, though. Great job, and excellent for five minutes!
Thank you so much
The poem is a little rough, but I'm happy the actual theme and meaning was clear. I know the international student part is a bit abstract and im really glad you were able to appreciate that.
Made my day x