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by Absynthe

Published April 27, 2008

In Junk

Please dont read!! this is now JUNK!!

:piratedthread:

Comments & reviews · 2
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Emerson
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Emerson commented Comment · Apr 29, 2008

I edited the caps and overuse of letters in your title and subject. It's only annoying, and will hurt your chances of getting reviews.

ChernobyllyInclined wrote a review Review · Apr 29, 2008

This could be interesting. It just needs some work.

Felix brushed his hair back, running his fingers through his hair.

You repeated the word,'hair'. Change the sentence to avoid the repetition.

A group of 17 year old girls giggled, looking at him.

Always write out numbers; 'seventeen', not '17'.

he said, his throat feeling tight “and Meil is practically my sister!”

Missed the comma after 'tight'.

His slightly messy ebony hair matched the color of his eyes perfectly, giving him a dark mysterious look. He was lean and thick muscled, and the dark grey sweater that he wore showed off his tone arms.

Avoid cliche descriptions like this one. Also, if he isn't interested in getting a girlfriend I doubt he would wear clothes that would show off how attractive he was.
______

Anyway, like I said above, this idea isn't completely cliche, which gives it promise, but the characters are fairly uninteresting. Make Felix less predictable. Don't allow him to be so flat, add dimension to his character. Does he enjoy doing anything or does he just work all the time? Would he ever find it amusing to mock the stupid girls who find him so attractive? Does he make little civilization out of tooth-pics in his boredom? If you add something quirky to his character he will be alot more compelling.

The same applies to Meil and Morin. Ask yourself questions about them. What makes them characters and not just plot devices for you to use for Felix' benefit? Also, add more description. What does the art store look like? Is it cluttered or organized? What does it look outside? raining, snowing, bright, happy shafts of sunlight that annoy Felix out of his mind?

If you can implement some of these suggestions I'm sure this could be a good story. Feel free to PM me with any questions.



Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus