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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
LOL she crys blood, just a thing vampires do. sense i was showing a part of my new story line, and that it was from the middle i couldn't really take my time and make this so long that it was scaring ppl away. this is just a teaser. and what about purple??
lol thank you Simon. LOL ur very good at being a critic, so i will try to explain. sense this is an short teaser, and i prefer not to draw things out on teasers and give it all away, this is going against my regular thing:
Absynthe is the bad guy. she was scheming to bring him to val once she confirmed that he was who they were looking for. and he was, he told her that he was having horrible nightmares of people tortured for the vampires and werewolves, and something worse than the holocaust. she, when she gave Felix to val had asked about his visions, and they turned out to be correct. She tried to save Felix but joined him in torture.
he didn't know about this. And he is acctually very smart, just doesnt know whats going on!
lol that's just a habit of how i describe it. And i like to think of it that way
everyone in their world has a special magic power, no two people have the same talent. Felix is the only exception. When your a vampire or werewolf your power doubles.
not meant to be funny. And you'd be surprised how good kicking an guy in the crotch can be very defensive and effective.:smt064
Perra:
she was released when val lost his concentration, and she was in the same kinda cage as Felix. She got an knife from an table full of torture instruments, the same pace where Felix got his. And just if your wondering, shes very powerful because her magic talent is to change her shape: tall short, ugly pretty, animal, ext. so she recovered from Val's thrashing quickly.
Thanks all of you for reading my teaser. I will definitely be posting other chapters!!
You're welcome. ^-^
And I forgot to mention this:
At the end of this, how did Absynthe get out of her cage? Was it an electrical cage like Felix's, and did it go down with his? And what did she hit Val with, and how did she get it? While the last one isn't as important, the answers to the other two definitely need to be included in the story.
Hey there.
This is kinda cliche. Main character waking up due to a sound? Not the most original of starts. And why jolt? Not only is it cliche, it's such a climpsy to show that he is suddenly waking up. Simplicity can be your friend sometimes dear.
For a dome of electricity, it doesn't seem like it. I was hoping to see some descriptions that show that. Instead, it is partly wasted on describing something so mundane as the freaking height of it -.- Describe what is necessary, do not waste it on irrelevant stuff.
What makes these tears so special? Do they make my wishes come true? Seriously, you do not need to work in the info dump that they are vampires into such a simple description of tears. It just makes the prose feel like purple.
Umm thanks for stating the obvious Captain obvious? But seriously, there are other ways to show to us that Felix lacks a certain degree of IQ. Do not resort to adverbs to show to us what happens, as it takes away the realism of it. Show to us as to how Felix is dumb without condensing it into a single adverb. One word is not enough to show that, as a reader can easily skim past the word.
Enslaved like cattles...that similie is also clumsy and forced. Cattles have little to do with vampires, there are other more effective ways to show how the vampires enslave humans.
This dialogue has a strong modern feel to it and it isn't something that I would expect a vampire to say, given the context and setting it is in at the moment. The word "scam" is more associated with gangsters and traders in our modern society than a conflict among vampires.
Heartbreak washed over her? Umm how does that imagery work? Even when using imagery, there is a certain degree of logic in it. Here, I see none, as washed is more associated with something that has a liquid feel to it. A heartbreak does not possess that quality.
What? Umm what just happened? How can vampires have telepathic powers?
If this is an attempt for comic relief, then you've failed -.- Seriously, the idea of a guy being kicked into the groin is just not funny anymore, as it has been used over and over again. Avoid cliches at all costs!
I'll post my overall impressions of it a bit later on, as it is almost my bed time.
Andy.
Cool. I really like it. Keep up the good work
Thanks for reading Perra!!! I really apreciate it!!! I'll definantly will check out the fan group.
And thank u liza, thts very flattering ^^. I TOLD YOU MY TORTURE SCENE WAS GOOD ^,,^
While this is an intesresting piece, it needs some work. Nothing a little help, editing, and practice can't fix, though.
In the beginnig of the story you tell us what the setting is instead of showing us. For instance:
Instead of telling us that Felix "was in a large room made entirely of black marble," you could describe the room as he scans it. Like "His eyes scanned the [short description] room."
Another incident of telling instead of showing. It's an easy fix, though. Also, you use the wrong strait; what you mean is "straight."
You need to italicise Felix's thoughts so as not to confuse the reader.
I'm pretty sure you need a colon instead of comma, and you accidentally capitalized the 'd' in 'double'.
The quote is a little awkward. Perhaps you could reword what Val says into two sentences or something?
This is awkward. I think this should be reworded to say "filled his head as he watched her..."
I think this would be better written as "grabbing onto her face telepathically" and "regain her breath and revive the raw feeling in her throat".
I like this line.
It'd be nice to see Felix's reaction to his new-found powers. Unless he discovered them before this point and we've already seen it, then it's a bit more optional to include his reaction here.
I think this would be better if the ending was "he laughed, sumbling onto his feet." Or you could change "stumbling" into "stumble". As is, it's a little awkward.
The last sentence here is awkward. I think you just need a comma between "obeyed" and "scrambling".
That's all I caught. Your vampires seem original and definitely your own. I like how they (or at least Absynthe) can cry blood.
Btw, I noticed that you're a Twilight fan, and, if you haven't noticed already, we has fan group!
So, yeah, I think that's all I needed to say/point out.
Hope this helps!
I loved it. You have such passion however; remember not to change from 3rd person to 1st person sometimes.