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Young Writers Society



Cursed-1

by Absynthe


HEY! This is the story I have been trying to post for FOREVER and I think ive Finally got it! So heres chapter 1. And as a side note, i'll be posting lyrics of songs that I think go well with that certain chapter!

Enjoy!

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Chapter one

You can look, but you can't touch

I don't think I like you much

Heaven knows what a girl can do

Heaven knows what you've got to prove

--Garbage

I glanced up from my book- to steal a look at Felix- making sure that my open book would conceal my staring. I remembered the first time that I had seen Felix when I was 11 years old, my mother had taken him in as a foster child. He was a year older than I was, and was still the handsomest thing that I had seen in my life.

His messy brown hair was the darkest shade of brown without becoming black fell into his perfect face, his pale skin, sculpted nose and lips, wide brown eyes framed with a fringe of jet black eyelashes, His eyes were such a dark brown color that sometimes you couldn’t tell his pupils from his irises, were unfair. And if that wasn’t enough to make a girl slobber, he had been going to a gym lately, and now he had perfect muscles. But here, at age 17, I loathed him.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Sure. I’ll be there, I promise.” He murmured into the phone, sprawled on the couch using his arm as a pillow. Even casually lying on the couch chatting up girls he looked like a Greek god, or a Spartan warrior.

“Felix, your such a jerk! Going out with a poor girl for one night then dumping her the next night! Its like an endless chain, you’ve never gone out with a girl for more than a day. You’re such a pervert.” I sneered, glaring at him. He ignored me, talking to his victim without a pause.

I seethed, attempting to read again. It was no use. I couldn’t help but feel bad for the girl on the phone with him. I wondered how many girls had joined the ‘I got dumped by Felix and am pissed club’. One day we will wake up with an angry mob of 18-year-old girls outside.

“Yeah. Meet me at the hotel. Yeah that one.” Felix said casually. I gave him the basilisk glare, but he continued to ignore me.

“Oh common dad! You have to have heard that! Aren’t you going to do anything?” I asked skeptically. My dad, sitting on the floor in front of me typing on his laptop shrugged. My dad wasn’t the first person you thought of when you think of a risk manager for a hospital, in fact, he seemed to be more suited in a motorcycle gang.

“He’s 18, he can do whatever he likes.” My dad said in his deep voice. Felix conspicuously put his pinkie in his ear as if to block us out. I curled up into a ball in the farthest corner of the couch, trying to ignore Felix’s silky voice.

“Cya tonight babe.” Felix sighed. I clicked my tongue against the top of my mouth in agitation. He stood up, stretching like at cat.

“Well, I’ll see you later.” Felix yawned, blinking tiredly. I doubted that he would get any sleep tonight.

“Cya Felix, and try to be back around 11:00.” Dad muttered preoccupied. Felix nodded yawning again. He yawned so strangely; his mouth would stretch open as far as it could go, his lips pulled back and his tongue curled.

Now that I thought about it, he was like a male cat; sneaking out at night to sleep with a girl that he would probably never meet again, the way he slept all day, the way he yawned, even the way he moved made him seem like a young lion.

“Alright.” He answered absently, pulling his muscled arms into his jacket. I looked away from him angrily. If I dislike him so much, then why do I keep staring? Maybe its because he is a magnet to all females (and a few men) with the force of a black hole. When he entered a room, every female eye was literally on him. He practically preyed on girls.

He turned, pulling the door open and disappeared into the night. My stomach sank to the floor, and a heavy blanket of depression enveloped me. When he left every night like this, off to a nightclub to find a girl helpless to his charm, I always felt depressed.

The first time that he had slept with a girl, I had nearly exploded with jealousy and had thrown ‘a-raging-hissy-fit’. Then this became so regular that my dad hardly noticed it. But I noticed. Every time. No matter how many times this had happened I got hideously angry, then, he would disappear and my anger would sink into sadness.

I had started to wonder when he would run out of girls to ravage, and I hoped the day would come. Yet, every night he snuck off with a different girl. He would never run out of his supply of pretty girls.

Besides, he’s gorgeous. Who would turn down him?


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Points: 890
Reviews: 2

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Sun Jun 29, 2008 4:16 am
Aphronova wrote a review...



Since I am new here, and am so ditzy that I can't seem to find a rule page OR a review button, I guess this works!

Let's get down to business shall we?

1. When they are talking don't do something like ("Let's go to the pool." she said.), after pool there should really be a comma there. A question mark and exclamation point are find for ending a phrase being said, but I can't think of one instance where you would use a period. Unless of course they are just saying something without anything after it.

2. Try to watch your repetition of the same words. There are other words for brown, for instance, chocolatey, brunette, auburn, and russet. Those are just a few.

3. You have a small habit of being a little wordy with your sentences. I do it all the time, but just reread your story and ask yourself if you can break it down into small, less complicated phrases.

4. Watch your commas in the regular sentences though. And there are spots where you need them to break it up for a pause too.


I really liked it! I have tried writing some small pieces with a song, but none have turned out so well as yours has been. Thank you for sharing this! I hope the critique helps!




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16 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 16

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Sun Jun 29, 2008 4:04 am
MidnightGladius wrote a review...



Alright, there's a lot of places where I get the feeling that you mean to say something, but that it just doesn't come across. I'm not the greatest at doing line-by-line, so just go back from the beginning, and read through it aloud. Keep in mind what you're trying to say, and see if you're actually saying it. Also, a few phrases just don't seem right, and could use a bit of diction/punctuation change, but that goes along with the above.

Other than that, for an introductory chapter, I like what it says and the directions you could go. Things I'll be looking for in the future:

- backstory on the two main characters, as well as the family as a whole and how past actions have led to the current situation
- information as to why this is filed under Fantasy; everything seems contemporary so far, and I'm curious how you're planning on bending the world

Cheers.

EDIT: How is this connected to the "related entries" in the top-left?





"Be yourself" is not advice. It's an existential crisis waiting to happen.
— Hank Green