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Well I enjoyed it completely. You have a very like "Out of the box" Imagination. However; as many people find things wrong I can read anything and like it as long as it's not like Tom Sawyer, Non-Fiction, etc. I want to read more. You need to finish it. I love it.

very good for a rough draft. the beginning hooked me, but like the other people said, about the wound, it seems more like an animal wound than a vampire bite. i thought she had been bitten by a werewolf. unless your vampires aren't very tidy in their feeding. >.>

i emphasize all the corrections everyone else has made, becuase they got there first and i coundn't make those suggestions myself. especially with her age. at first i thought the main character was a young girl, but when the doctor addressed her i got a little confused.

you should also work a little on filling the plot more.

but good job!! it was great and i'll keep reading!!

~enjeru

Not bad. I don't know why you posted the blood warning, since there wasn't all that much. I was expecting like a gruesome, disgusting, totally descriptive gut-wrenching war or something.

Anyway, overall, I thought that it was an interesting start. It draws the reader in, which is good, and I didn't get bored at all. So good job on that.

Only thing I didn't like is that after she passed you just went on. I would do something like this:

And everything was black.

*

I woke groggily...

“Call her doctor john!” Mother commanded over my blood curdling shrieks.

I cried out in agonizing pain.

“Good to see you Mrs. Underwood.” The doctor said in an attractive voice. He was tall, in a dark trench coat, and had a bulky black leather bag in his hand.

They left the room, my parents staring at him in confusion. My heart rate accelerated. Oh no, no, no! I knew what he was going to tell them. He would pull my parents out, and my dad would make fresh coffee. They would sit, talking casually while they drank. The doc would get serious; tell them that this is the hardest thing on parents. Their eyes would open wide in shock and ask him what he meant. He would say in a business like manner that they would have to shoot me down like a lame horse, to prevent another vampire from coming into this world. My mother would sob, telling him that it wasn’t true, that I was a normal 17 year old girl. My father would explode, telling him he won’t do that to his own flesh and blood.

They would fight over it; the doc would convince them to not let another vampire be spawned, that it would be kind to put me out of my misery. The Doc would come in, and give me a shot of what I thought was pain killer. And I would never wake up.

Maybe it's just me, but this story would probably be more effective told from third person. The scene you establish is great, but what would make it better is if you have thoughts of everyone.

I cried out in agonizing pain. My father carried me up the stairs in his bulky arms shushing me softly, telling me it’s alright and that there is nothing to worry about. My whole body burned like a wildfire. The right side of my shirt was soaked in blood, streams of crimson running off my father’s arm. I trembled as he set me gently on my bed that my mother had prepared.

“Oh dear god!” my mother breathed as she noticed my posture. My legs were buckled into my chest tightly. My muscles contracted, winding themselves up so much you could see them writhe under my skin. My fingers were contracted so that they looked like claws, and my back arched in pain. My mother massaged my legs hurriedly, trying to loosen the cramps.

“Call her doctor john!” Mother commanded over my blood curdling shrieks. My vision was blurring, and the walls spun. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I had never been in so much pain. My mother gave up on loosening my legs and concentrated on my neck.

She tore the shoulder of my shirt and examined the damage. My shoulder had become something you only see in horror movies. There was a canine looking bite in my shoulder, blood spurting out of it like a fountain. Mother grabbed what looked like a wet dish towel and pressed it into the wound. Exquisite pain shot down my shoulder. I tried to shriek but what came out was more like a high pitched keening.

And everything was black.

“Good to see you Mrs. Underwood.” The doctor said in an attractive voice. He was tall, in a dark trench coat, and had a bulky black leather bag in his hand.

They left the room, my parents staring at him in confusion. My heart rate accelerated. Oh no, no, no! I knew what he was going to tell them. He would pull my parents out, and my dad would make fresh coffee. They would sit, talking casually while they drank. The doc would get serious; tell them that this is the hardest thing on parents. Their eyes would open wide in shock and ask him what he meant. He would say in a business like manner that they would have to shoot me down like a lame horse, to prevent another vampire from coming into this world. My mother would sob, telling him that it wasn’t true, that I was a normal 17 year old girl. My father would explode, telling him he won’t do that to his own flesh and blood.

They would fight over it; the doc would convince them to not let another vampire be spawned, that it would be kind to put me out of my misery. The Doc would come in, and give me a shot of what I thought was pain killer. And I would never wake up.

And I would never wake up.

The word seemed to echo in my head, making me want to cry. I wont let that happen, I want to live, monster or not.

WOW! Very good! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PM me when you get more!

Hm, no particular thing I found about grammar. I just wanted to point out that sometimes it occured to me that I found it to...familiar. "practially bit my lip off" What about "nearly" "almost"

May not be as...nice of words...but...I thought they'd work

DON'T FORGET TO PM ME!

My father carried me up the stairs in his bulky arms shushing me softly, telling me it’s alright and that there is nothing to worry about. My whole body burned like a wildfire.

My legs were buckled into my chest tightly. My muscles contracted, winding themselves up so much you could see them writhe under my skin. My fingers were contracted so that they looked like claws, and my back arched in pain. My mother massaged my legs hurriedly, trying to loosen the cramps.

“Call her doctor john!”

I woke groggily, the taste of acid in my mouth.

What the hell happened!?

but my mind shielded

“Good to see you Mrs. Underwood.”

“Hello doc.” I croaked. My throat was extraordinarily dry and I attempted to clear my throat.

First paragraph definitely sets the tone. I liked how you didn’t use typical adjectives (“bulky” instead of big, “wildfire” instead of just fire).

“There was a canine looking bite in my shoulder [with] blood spurting out of it like a fountain.” It sounds a bit smoother.

Mrs. Underwood is the one bitten presumably so I guess she is married. Funny, I thought of her more as a Ms. Underwood, but maybe I was mistaken.

If you added the doctor’s name you wouldn’t have had to use “he” so many times.

“The word[s] seemed to echo in my head..”

Alright, I am going to get dorky here but I really, really enjoyed your story and I can’t wait to read more.

Looking forward to your next piece,

Trick

My father carried me up the stairs in his bulky arms shushing me softly, telling me it’s alright and that there is nothing to worry about.

“Call her doctor john!”

She tore the shoulder of my shirt and examined the damage. My shoulder had become something...

The door to my room creaked open, and my mother peeked in, and ushered in my father and my doctor.

“Good to see you Mrs. Underwood.”

It's pretty good.

Just make sure your vampire won't end up cliched.

I'll keep reading.

Yours truly,
Memento Mori