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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
It's all right, and Magnificent_ego covered everything I was going to say and more.
One question though: What time period does this occur in? Did you make it up, or is it supposed to be a medieval setting? Please clarify for me. Maybe I'm the only one confused.
I'm rather interested about "Drow", so I'll probably read the next chapter if I spot it.
Sincerely yours,
Memento Mori
Hello, Absynthe. Forgive me if my reviewing method is rather....methodical, but I prefer details to the larger picture. I will, of course, give you my overall opinion at the end of the review.
The use of "a" implies that his voice is not usually "dry and papery," but I think you mean to indicate that his voice always is like this. Therefore, I believe you should use "his," rather than "a."
Not to mention commas. Thus..."Our biology teacher Mr. Monterey commanded in his dry, papery voice."
I believe it is implied that the protagonist is infatuated with "Don," and therefore it is superfluous to say so.
One hundred (written out, mind you) students, exactly? Is this including the protagonist, or excluding her? Either way, I believe it better to write out your numbers, rather than use the numeral forms.
Why is it that vampire and werewolf are not capitalized, but Drow is? These are all classifications of "best," are they not? Therefore, they should all be capitalized in the same manner. Second, "uncharacteristic" implies that he normally does *not* resemble Einstein. What does he normally look like? Hows does he resemble Einstein, this day?
Here you have Drow lower-cased, instead of capitalized. Be sure you are consistent, however you decide to case the classifications of "beasts." If Drow are the most common form of "beast," why has there not been one seen in the town in so long? Why do they have the ability to transform in to anything? Does this ability include single celled organisms, or is it limited to mammals? Birds? Reptiles? Insects? Is mass conserved, or does it disappear? All of these things should be considered when creating a race of evil intent. Furthermore...Drow are a race that have already been created. It is the term coined by R.A. Salvatore for his race of Dark Elves, in his fantasy setting of Faerun. I suggest a different name for this species.
My overall impression is that this is a rather rough draft. It could use a bit of editing and perhaps a bit of thought put into the details of the beings you've created. It is a concept not completely unfamiliar to your audience, but it is by no means cliched, either. It makes for a quick, smooth read, and catches your reader sufficiently enough to read further. Well done.
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--ME
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lol just if your wondering, i kno its a little fast and not verry descriptive, but its supposed to be that way, everything will be alot difrent in later chapters.