Of Loss and Love (chp.7) [newly edited]

Overall/The Story so Far:


Again, more detailed expressions (also so your characters don't seem blank), reactions, voice descriptions, etc. would help to get the reader more into the moment, since I feel that you need to work a bit more on building up tension in this piece, and, as I just said, getting the reader into the moment! Techniques like repeating sentences to give emphasis (you've done this already) help a ton.

For the pros that I maybe have not mentioned already, you're doing a pretty good job with the descriptions of objects and places, and your characters seem to be getting more realistic; I still don't know too too much about Tristan. I love how your world is so believable and realistic.

As of the plot/story itself, I'm not really sure what's going to happen to the MC at all, which is good! Of course I should have some vague ideas of what can happen to her (something to do with ending up with Tristan, at least? Maybe? ), but you probably know that you don't want your ending to be 100% predictable.

So, mainly, build up the tension! Keep up the good work, I'm enjoying this. If you have any questions, please, please, please leave 'em on my wall!

~Kaedee.

P.S. Psssst, I'm still waiting for my more detailed description of Tristan!

Hey there *coco. I am back yet again.

A simple marriage I had told him, uncomplicated, and this hell was what he had given me.

“And I am a human being!” I shouted, my voice shaking.

In those sweet blissful moments, I finally realised the meaning of passion, the meaning of true love...

I looked at her desperately. “You are the closest companion I have here, Lady Millicent, I beg you, please tell me.”

I watched her run away, yet still I refused to believe.

I hate how he is using another girl who is innocent and frightened It's so Stupid!!!

Hello Coco, I'm here as requested! (Sorry for the delay) Well let's get right to it then.

Plot

This story has great potential. You are bordering on cliche a bit, and it could use a little unique flair. Throwing in a good twist or perhaps just changing up a few things to make them different.

The small twists in plot you already have in these first few chapters are good, I admire them. The fact that Rose felt obligated to marry Frederick because it would also free her beloved cousin was fantastic. Keep it up, but remember to avoid the cliche.

Characters

I feel like several of your characters could use a bit more fleshing out. For the seventh chapter, they still don't feel incredibly real. Give them more personality, quirks, likes, dislikes, etc. When they are real to you, they will be easier to make real to the reader.

Also, some of your characters are closing in on cliche. Especially Rose's uncle. Every kings younger brother despises his older brother because he has the throne. I'm not saying you should take this away, but make it different. Maybe the younger brother would actually make a far better king, I don't know...but I'm confident you can think of something.

I really like Frederick. His character appeared as the typical bad guy womanizer who just wants as many women as he can get, but then you gave the reader a reason to pity him. He desperately wants a son to be his heir and that is what gives him motivation for taking all these women to bed. He could also use a little more fleshing out, but kudos on him.

Tristan. I like Tristan, but he confuses me. I was under the impression he was a part of Rose's father's court, but then he was a part of Fredericks court. Either I just missed something, or that needs to be cleared up. Also, his relationship with Rose goes drastically from distant to close. They should ease more into their relationship, especially because she is Queen and married to Frederick.

Setting

You mention all sorts of countries, castles, gardens, manors, and other places but I have only a very small idea of how they actually look. What makes them different? How do they affect the people that live in them? When you go about giving a feeling of a setting, it's not all about how things look (though that is a very big part). You should include how they make people feel, how they smell, is there something that makes a distinguishable sound? Things like that. It will give your story a much greater 3-dimensionality.

Well, that's about all I have to say. You seem to have a good handle on the grammer part of things. Keep writing, I'm excited to see what you come out with next. Let me know when more is up and I'll be happy to take a look at it.

-Lauren

Hey Coco! Last chapter, I hope that my reviews have been helpful!

I have to agree with Pink here, I was totally reminded of The Duchess with this part. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing; I watched the movie yesterday and loved it so that might just be the reason. However, the problem is that it does seem to be going the way that you'd expect it to go. As I have said before, this can easily be turned around and become a good thing, but I really want to see you pull something totally interesting out of the bag and make this something that will completely capture someone's interest.

I also felt like I couldn't quite connect with Rose in this chapter. In the recent ones I was starting to empathise with her, but now it all feels a bit lost and rushed. My advice would be to take your time here. There isn't any rush at all, you know! I don't think that you should take ages over it, that just bores the reader, but in some places (especially when she sees the maid) I think that you should take a little more time to really get in deep with Rose's emotions. Throw in a couple of well placed similies and make the reader feel.

That's all for now, but I'm glad that I'm up to date on the story and I will carry on reviewing when you add more!

Hope this helped!

~Amy

Hey *Coco.
I've finished reading all of your chapters and I've got to say, I've heard some this before. It sounds a little bit like "The Duchess" (If you have seen the movie).
I really like the plot, the setting and the characters but the one thing that bugs me is the length of your chapters and also the detail that you put into them. Somethings you explain quite well but in other important areas, you struggle.
For example, some of these characters, have a very little description to them and thus us readers forget who they are.
This is a problem because when you suddenly make that character appear later on in the story, we have no recognition to who that is.
Also, I knew exactly what was going to happen before it even did. As Classy said, add some more twist to your storyline. You have created a very promising plot and play around with it a little. Brainstorm, don't be afraid to kill off some characters and have them do crazy things, but explain the reason behind the actions of course. Take a leap, and alter a few things. Surprise us.
All in all, what I've read so far was quite intriguing and I do love the way you write Rose's emotions and all. I will continue to read your chapters because I want to see what you come up with next.
Keep writing!

~Pink

So, you are bordering on cliche. I have read all of this once or twice before! I wish you would add some surprise twist. I think I know what's going to happen and that makes me sad. But, I will not jump to conclusions, and I trust you as a writer.
You asked me to read all of them, and I did.
Well, I think I really like Rose, though her character is still not fully alive to me. I would like to know more about her relationship with her cousin! Please tell me that is coming. And, I was also confused with that man who comes and tells her to befriend some man of the court. I don't know who he is, and it seemed really out of place to put him in there. I know you need him for some big part in the story, I just wish you would have introduced him in a more spectacular way.
I also think that instead of jumping to the fun stuff, like I said before, you need to describe more things. I think I have a picture of her husband, but I don't know who Tristan is or what he looks like. I do like him, though. He seems like a cute and loving guy, and I think you are going to try and set him up with Rose? Hmm...
All around I really like this, and I am going to continue reading!
~Classy

Wow, very nice. I especially liked this chapter. It seems like you're finally starting to blend more peronality and a pinch of drama into the story. I only wish that the chapter hadn't ended so soon.

I have quite a few questions:
Will Tristan comfort her in her time of need?
Will she get back at Frederick, by doing something with Tristan?
What will happen next?
And or course,When will the next chapter be posted???!!!

keep Writing
*Mo*

This is a very good story. I like it a lot. I especially like the way in which you write the dialouge very fitting to the era the story takes place. Happy writting.
-Tapatia

*coco wrote:Sorry for the delay again! Please let me know what you think of this chapter, I really, really need some good reviews. A special thanks to all those who have reviewed so far, your brilliant advice has really helped me so thank you! x

You want a crit? You got it!

Of Loss and Love: chapter seven

I looked around the grand hall irritably. For the past two weeks, I had been making attempts to try and meet Lord Edmond, I think instead of a comma it should be a semi-colon or a colon. the man my father’s former treasurer had asked me to see, Period instead of a comma. however, each attempt had failed miserably. Lord Edmond was the ambassador to Genevere, therefore incredibly busy. I had hoped to find him at tonight’s banquet but so far the only people I had met were irritating duchesses eager to hear the news of whether I was with child yet. Their facial expressions turned sombre and almost pitiful after I had informed them that I wasn’t. It was as if they, like Frederick, presumed it to be my fault.
“Not yet with child?” gasped one duchess. “Since his majesty has so far been disappointed with the male issue, we were all hoping one would be arriving soon.”
She was trying to add salt to my wound and unfortunately it was working. I believe "unfortunately" is an interjection. If so, you need commas around it. I wanted to simply walk out of the hall, but that that was next to impossible. Tonight, Frederick was hosting the annual feast to celebrate twenty-five years of peace in Genevere. The last thing I wanted to do was to make him angrier than he already was by leaving so soon.
“Perhaps you’re not receiving enough vitamins in your diet,” suggested another duchess.
“His majesty still visits you, I presume?” asked another.
“My Lady,” bowed Tristan, tactfully interrupting my response which probably would have been a rather rude one. “Sorry to disturb you, but I have an urgent message from...” he thought for a moment before saying, “...Sir Edwin, your advisor.”
I looked at him with a confused expression but happily followed him away from the duchesses nonetheless.
“Sir Edwin?” I repeated to him with a smile when the women were out of earshot. “Since when do I have an advisor named Sir Edwin?”
“Since now, I guess,” replied Tristan, also with a smile. “I figured you needed an excuse to get away from them all.”
“I wonder what gave you that impression,” I said, There's no need for the comma here. sarcastically.
As we walked through the grand hall, I continued to search for Lord Edmond, hoping to spot him somewhere among the crowd of guests, Period yet, the duke nor his wife, No need for the comma here. If you wanted, you could put another comma before "nor" to make it an interjection. were nowhere to be seen.
“Are you looking for someone?” asked Tristan.
“Lord Edmond,” I replied. “I am in need of his help.”
“Well, he's currently on a business trip with his wife to the Venan Islands. They’re attempting to persuade the royal family to allow the princess to marry their son.”
“Oh,” I said, doing my best to hide the disappointment in my voice. “Do you know when he will be back?”
“No, my Lady,” replied Tristan. “Perhaps I can be of some assistance?”
“That’s alright, perhaps Sir Edwin can help me instead,” I smiled.
Tristan laughed and so did I. It felt good, as though I had not done so in years, but the happiness was short-lived. The look on Frederick’s face as he sat at the far end of the hall made my heart race in fear. His eyes pierced mine with a look of intense anger. His advisor, Lord Wotton, stood beside him, bearing the same look of satisfaction that he had had the previous night.
Several other women suddenly approached me to provide their own advice on ways that would help me conceive, but I was not listening. I could see Frederick whispering something in Tristan’s ear and my heart began to thump harder in my chest as I saw the look of seriousness that soon appeared on the duke of Unis’s Okay, when showing possession ('s) you shouldn't add an 's if the word ends in 's'. Just add an apostrophe. face. Before I could wonder what Frederick had said to him, they had both already charged out of the hall.
The fear that dwelled inside me was soon accompanied by utter confusion. This feast was incredibly important to Frederick; I think this would make more sense if you replaced the semi-colon with a period. in fact, he had been making preparations for it for months. Could he be so angry with me that he would choose to abandon such a momentous occasion of twenty-five years of peace in his kingdom?
It took almost half an hour before I managed to excuse myself from the growing number of women surrounding me. I left the grand hall in a hurry, Colon or semi-colon here. past the prying eyes of the guests, my mind racing at incredible speed as I reached the hallway. Tristan, who stood beside the palace doors, immediately followed upon seeing me descend the staircase.
“My Lady,” he said, attempting to catch up with me, “Stop!”
When I refused listen, I felt his hand grab my arm. I turned to face him with a look of shock and confusion.
“Forgive me,” he said, immediately letting go of my hand.
“I need to see Frederick,” I said, ignoring his apology before reaching the first floor landing. I had no idea what I would say to him or how,Semi-colon instead of comma. all I knew was that I needed to speak with him. I could not stand any more of his ill-treatment of me,Semi-colon here. punishing me with his anger for something that was out of my control.
I could feel my heart begin to jump out of my throat as I headed towards Frederick’s private chambers. Halfway there, Tristan advanced and came in front of me, stopping me in my tracks.
“Let me go,Period instead of comma. I wish to see him,” I said shakily, biting my tongue and trying with all my heart to keep the anger out of my voice.
“I cannot allow you,” replied Tristan.
“Why?” I demanded.
My heart sank to the depths of my stomach as I saw a blond-haired and Instead of 'and', use a comma. blue-eyed palace maid suddenly stumble out of Frederick’s chambers. She was barely dressed and bore a look of horror on her face as she saw me, her eyes full of guilt and mine full of pain. I watched her run away yet still I refused to believe. This sentence sounds weird to me. I think it's the "yet still". I'm not sure what you could do with that. I thought my eyes had deceived me, that I was dreaming, but the look upon Tristan’s face made me come to my senses. My entire body felt numb and I felt a hot tear slowly pour down my cheek.

So, I like this. It's an interesting idea. I think you need to brush up on when to use a comma or a period. Semi-colons and colons confuse me a little, but I know they separate/connect. They are for those sentences with two phrases that don't connect. You're pretty good about paragraphs and I like your characters. Overall, this was really good.
PM me if you have any questions.

Ah no! What a jerk! I hate Frederick! How very much like a man to assume it is the woman's fault that they cannot conceive. It is HIS fault, I'm sure! But . . . How did he end up with three girls...They weren't his? Humm...

Coco, I love this story and I found nothing at all to nitpick! Hurray! Next chapter, please!!

Tanya