Young Writers Society

Love is a friend, a fire, a heaven, a hell, where pleasure, pain, and sad repentance dwell

[Richard Barnfield]

The Elders of the Eastern Realms would say that when a parent passes away, their children can often sense it. On the day of my father’s passing that very sense was enough to wake me from a sleep that was similar to death itself.

Perhaps my feelings were entirely imaginary, a nightmare even, for I had been having plenty of them since my father had first become ill. With that thought in mind I lay still upon the silken sheets, hoping with all my heart that what my heart was telling me was a lie. Unfortunately, I was to be bitterly disappointed.

The deafening sounds of the castle's warning bells echoed throughout the Old City, followed swiftly by the sounds of echoing footsteps towards my quarters. Several seconds passed before a dark shadow appeared from behind my chamber door.

“My Lady...” breathed Nan as she entered my chambers. “The King-”

It was then that I knew. My father was dead.

Nan continued devastatingly, “I’m so sorry...”

My reaction was instant. “No...” I said, my voice barely a whisper as hot tears trickled down my cheeks. Suddenly my chamber walls began to feel as though they were closing in on me, my breath started to feel short and heavy...

With great force I pushed back the bed sheets that covered me and desperately ran out of my quarters.

I could hear Nan calling after me, running to catch up in order to so console me but I did not dare stop. I needed to see my father, I needed to see that he was truly gone for myself. Hurriedly, I ran down the cold stone steps and sprinted across the torch-lit courtyard.

Servants crowded around in large groups outside the steps to the Northern Tower, weeping uncontrollably as news spread throughout the castle. Several looked up at me upon my arrival, throwing me looks of pity. I pushed past them and ascended the Tower’s steep spiral staircase. Their tears did not matter to me, and neither did their grief.

Nothing mattered anymore.

As I emerged onto the landing, I could hear the hushed voices of Uncle Maurice and his crooked-nosed advisor Lord Sébastian.

“...perhaps we should wait a while...otherwise people may grow suspicious,” spoke Uncle Maurice quietly.

“We cannot afford to wait, Sire!” Lord Sébastian replied. “King Théodore has no heir to the throne and no son to continue with the succession. We must immediately press ahead with the declaration of your legitimate ascension to the throne-”

“Ah, Princess Rosaline...” Uncle Maurice suddenly caught sight of me and cleared his throat nervously before bowing in my direction.

“Princess,” said Lord Sébastian, also bowing solemnly.

I stared at Lord Sébastian coldly. His sombre expression could not mask his true feelings at the news of my father’s demise. I knew all too well that he could not have been happier by the event. My father’s hatred for corruption, greed, and immorality, as well as his opposition to political and religious reformation made him an enemy among pro-reformist nobles such as Lord Sébastian.

“Where is my father?” I asked my uncle desperately. “I want to see him...”

Lord Sébastian looked hesitant. “My Lady, I don’t think that would be-”

“I AM THE PRINCESS OF ASINYA, YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE HIM!” I yelled, staring venomously into his eyes.

“Very well,” he nodded before stepping aside.

My hands trembled as I walked through the heavy wooden doors into my father’s bedchamber. A cold sensation gripped me as I stepped inside. The large circular room was dimly lit by candle-light and the air carried a sickly sweet smell that made my hair stand on end. Several court-physicians were still glaring over my father, whilst the Chapel Priests flicked rose water onto his body and muttered prayers of salvation from the Holy Scroll. Upon my arrival, they stood from their seats and bowed.

“Wh...what happened to him?” I asked them, my voice shaking. I had known that my father had been feeling poorly for a while now, but never had it ever been declared as life-threatening in any way.

The court-physicians swapped glances with one another.

“My Lady,” replied one, “he-”

“Please give the Princess a moment alone with her father,” Uncle Maurice’s voice came suddenly from behind me.

The court-physicians and Priests immediately turned away from me and obediently stepped out of the chamber, followed closely by Uncle Maurice who closed the doors behind them.

I turned away from the door and, with the little courage that remained inside me, I faced my father’s bed. Wrapped in green velvet, embroidered with golden needle work was my father’s body. He looked paler than ever before, his cheeks were hollowed and there were large dark circles around his eyes. It was clear that the years of leadership had taken a toll on his body. Now he could finally rest - now he could finally be with my mother.

Suddenly, the realisation of my situation hit me like a dagger to my heart. As I looked down at my father’s lifeless body the dreadful truth swept over me. My every limb began to feel numb at the thought of what his death meant. At just seventeen years old, I would become an orphan, and as a woman I would be at the mercy and care of my father’s enemies.

I placed my head over my father’s chest and wept tears of such anguish I thought that my heart would bleed with pain. “Father...” I sobbed into his chest. “I beg you...please don’t leave me...”

Suddenly the chamber doors burst open and Nan ran in towards me, her face tear-stained as she began to pull me away.

“Please, my Lady...” she sniffed, wiping away my tears with her hands and pulling me into an embrace, cradling me in her arms. “You must stop...”

“I am all alone, Nan...” I wept. “I am all alone...”

“You are not alone, my Lady,” Nan said firmly, holding my face. “You have me...I promise you...I shall always be here for you...always...” she wiped away the remaining tears from my face before giving me a reassuring smile. “Come now, let us say goodbye to your father.”

I closed my eyes for several seconds in an attempt to muster up enough courage before gently taking my father's cold hand. As I did so, childhood memories suddenly swept through my mind like waves from an ocean. I suddenly remembered how, every night after supper, my father would dance with me in the ballroom whilst my mother played the piano. I suddenly remembered how he and Nan would playfully chase me around the castle gardens whenever I refused to take my night baths. And my fondest memory of all, was when my father would lie in bed with me at night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after my mother and me.

The memories were still fresh in my mind as though they had happened only yesterday, and I would treasure each one of them as though they were precious pearls, for those brief but happy moments were the only thing I had left in this world that would bring me comfort in the long, lonely and uncertain future that lay ahead of me.

With one final kiss to my father's cold forehead, I spoke to him for the last time, “Goodbye father."

..............................................................................

links to other chapters

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53746.html (chapter 2)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53800.html (chapter 3)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53888.html (chapter 4)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54024.html (chapter 5)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54589.html (chapter 6)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic55095.html (chapter 7)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post644335.html (chapter 8.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post652505.html (chapter 9.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic59246.html (chapter 10.

This was very interesting. It has been a long time since I've seen one of these stories about princesses and what not. The writing flowed, it matched the era, and you did have one typeo, presience was meant to be presence, right? Grammar was good, your MC's thoughts were clear and we [the readers] got a taste of her personality and a glimpse at the situation she is forced to face. Very good. It's rather short, but I really did like it. Please Pm me the next part!
Ofir

Thanks so much, I was starting to think no one was going to review! I'll be sure to send you the next part, I'm planning a lot of drama!

As much as i read and write i don't find myself ever liking this type of writing but i this cause i thought this was wonderful. everything flowed smoothly i love it. i really did. you were descriptive and everything only problem is you left my hanging i want to read more

Hey! I shall start with a quick line by line and then give you some general advice

Of Loss and Love: chapter one

“I’m sorry, Princess.”

I looked away from the healer immediately and the tear that I had felt coming for the past hour finally fell onto my cheek. I closed my eyes hoping that I could magically disappear from this place that was supposedly my home but I knew that no matter how hard I dreamed it would never happen. I would open my eyes and then be taken to see my father’s body before preparations were made for his burial. My uncle would pretend to be saddened by the news of the death of his eldest brother, attempt to comfort me and then press on to publicly declare himself as the new King of Asinya. After that I did not know for how many more days I would remain in the castle. My uncle, who had always had a personal vendetta against my father, would most probably get me married off in a few days to some unknown prince from a land as far away from this kingdom as possible so that he, his wife and his own daughter could have my father’s wealth all for themselves.

It's a good opening but could be more stimulating. Your character currently seems to be the typical young mourner. I'd like to see extra details thrown in that seperate her and maybe give a rough idea of the setting rather than telling us what's happening. Intersperse the information between her feelings and her actions. For example: 'I closed my eyes, the harsh white of the walls replaced by fuzzy darkness but I couldn't stop my skin from feeling. It was strangely warm and humid in the room though the fire was out. There were smells. Bad smells. The guttingly sweet scent of scones being baked for the feast. The feast to celebrate my uncle's rise to king with father just weeks dead. Oh yes, already I knew all of that was to come.' Do you see how that gives extra personality to the narrator?

Okay so I don't have such specific comment for the rest but I like it. You've got a gentle opening that immediately lets the reader know what situation your MC is in and gives a few hints of where she's going. You perhaps could include a little more sensual description to increase the atmosphere (describe smells, touch, sounds, tastes as well as sight) but other than that, nice work. I'll check out the next part tomorrow and should be able to give you more guidance as to plot and character then <33

Even though I liked it, I have some things that troubled me: I felt as though I were thrown too quickly into the plot and didn't have enough time to be introduced. Another thing was in the first paragraph, I thought a couple of commas were missing. The part where she says goodbye to her father is just on the brink of being creepy but is pulled back enough to be flawlessly dramatic. Overall, just try to get us introduced first and this should be a quite marvelous story. Please write more! I hope I helped.

Thank you, I'll look into that!

Hey! I'm Trish, and I'll be reviewing your story today! It might take a bit for me to get all the way to your fourth chapter, but I'll do them as fast as I can. Just beware that I am a huge grammar freak, so there might be quite a few nit-picks. But anyways, here we go!

Nit-Picks

The walls of the hallway I was standing in slowly began close in on me making it harder for me to breath.

Breath: I took a breath.
Breathe: Harder for me to breathe.

These can easily get mixed up, but they are a pet peeve of mine when they do. Why is the english language so stupid?

I would open my eyes and find myself still standing in the dark hallway outside my father’s chamber and then be taken to see my his body before preparations were made for his burial.

Why is 'my' in there? It makes no sense. Also, this is a bit of a run-on. Maybe split it up a bit.

My uncle would pretend to be saddened by the news of the death of his eldest brother, attempt to comfort me and since my father had left no male heir to inherit his crown my uncle would then press on to publically declare himself as the new King of Asinya.

Another run-on. Also, evil uncles are a bit of a cliche. They've been done before. I'm not saying that that's necessarily a bad thing, it just sets up a bit of a predictable story.

And lastly, 'king' doesn't need to be capitalized.

My uncle, who had always had a personal vendetta against my father, would most probably get me married off in a few days to some unknown prince from a land as far away from this kingdom as possible so that he, his wife and his own daughter could have my father’s wealth all for themselves.

Ahhhhhh! Beware of the evil run-ons!

my uncle gave me a pitiful smile, his touch although gentle felt like a rock on my shoulder,

A bit awkward.

I looked away from the healer immediately and the tear that I had felt coming for the past hour finally fell onto my cheek. The walls of the hallway I was standing in slowly began close in on me making it harder for me to breath. I closed my eyes hoping that I could magically disappear from this now cold, dark and empty place that was supposedly my home but I knew that no matter how hard I dreamed it would never happen. I would open my eyes and find myself still standing in the dark hallway outside my father’s chamber and then be taken to see my his body before preparations were made for his burial. My uncle would pretend to be saddened by the news of the death of his eldest brother, attempt to comfort me and since my father had left no male heir to inherit his crown my uncle would then press on to publically declare himself as the new King of Asinya. After that I didn’t know for how many more days I would remain in the castle. My uncle, who had always had a personal vendetta against my father, would most probably get me married off in a few days to some unknown prince from a land as far away from this kingdom as possible so that he, his wife and his own daughter could have my father’s wealth all for themselves.A sudden hand on my shoulder interrupted my thoughts. “Rose...” my uncle gave me a pitiful smile, his touch although gentle felt like a rock on my shoulder, “why don’t you go inside and say goodbye to your father?”

This whole paragraph is way too long. You can easily split it up so it's not just a single clump.

I nodded without looking at him and after wiping the single tear that had dropped from my eye I silently headed inside my father’s candle-lit bedchamber.

You at least need commas whenever the reader pauses.

His hatred for corruption, greed and immorality had made him an enemy among the royal court which consisted of men who engaged in all three acts regularly.

Awkward.

If suddenly wished Julian was here now to comfort me.

Should be 'I'.

For months now I had attempted to emotionally prepare myself for this day, the day that my last surviving relative would die, the day that I would become a complete orphan, the day I would be left absolutely alone surrounded by my father’s foes...but no amount of preparation could brace me for the indescribable grief and pain that I was now feeling.

Extreme run-on.

Every step I took, the darker the candle-lit room became. The more closer I got to him, the weaker my heart became. I wanted to scream and cry to my heart’s content, until no more tears would fall, until the agony would subside but I couldn’t. Every tear I let escape would only satisfy my father’s enemies further.

Awkwardness.

He looked paler than he had ever done before.

No need for 'done'.

Yet the memories left as quickly as they had entered and as I watched the healer pull up the white sheet of cloth over my father’s dead body, I left the chamber silently without looking back.

Awkward run-on.

That's it for the nit-picks.

Plot

I can tell sort of what the plot is going to be like, but as I said before, it's probably going to be a bit predictable. I would suggest maybe adding something that we weren't expecting, and put it in the story. (Just make sure that it still makes sense. We would rather have a predictable story than one with a plot that totally doesn't make sense. Which is what happened with Breaking Dawn! )

Hopefully as the plot develops though, I'll like it, though I probably will anyways!

Characters

You've got a few good characters in here, but they can be stronger. Mostly all we learnt about the princess/Rose is that she's sad. In the first paragraph, you mostly just said the same thing over and over again. Maybe add some different feelings, or even something about what she looks like.

Description

So far, you need a bit more description. We can't really picture the setting or characters, which is not a good thing. Make sure you show us, don't just tell us.

Misc.

I think I said all I need to. You've got a good start here, despite the predictability. Just fix up those few mistakes I pointed out above and you'll be fine.

I'll go review your other chapters ASAP. Good luck on your writing, and I'll see you around! Bye bye!

~ Trish

Brilliant nit-picks, lol, how embarrassing! What would I do without you all!

ohhh, now i know what confused me. never mind on the fourth chapter. i think i read that one first.

Great, lol! I was wondering why you seemed confused!

Hey there! Sorry it took me so long to get to this - you caught me at a busy time!

Alrighty then, nitpicks!

I closed my eyes, hoping that I could magically disappear from this now cold, dark and empty place that was supposedly my home but I knew that no matter how hard I dreamed it would never happen.

I just think that a comma there would be quite nice and would make it flow better. Also, I think that the last phrase might have more impact if you made it a short, seperate sentence.

Every step I took, the darker the candle-lit room seemed

Little awkward

The more closer I got to him, the weaker my heart became

Again, awkward. Just remove "more".

and as I watched the healer pull up the white sheet of cloth over my father’s dead body, I left the chamber silently without looking back.

I'd seperate these into different sentences.

Overall

My problem with this is that it could turn out to be a bit predictible. There is nothing really wrong with it at the moment, but I'll get a clearer sense of the plot as I read your other chapters.
However, if you play this right (which I'm sure you will) then this story could turn out to be amazing!
Everyone else has pretty much said my other points, so I'll move onto your other chapters!

Keep it up!

~Amy

I haven't done a line-by-line like this in over a year, but I figure it'll be easier to pinpoint areas I'd like to talk about, and I already had a partial review on the unedited version. This is take 2.

Comments and Corrections.

*coco wrote:“I’m sorry, Princess.”
I looked away from the healer immediately and the tear that I had felt coming for the past hour finally fell onto A tear doesn't usually "fall onto" the cheek. Use "runs down". my cheek. The dark and eerie walls Eerie walls? How can walls be eerie? You have an eerie atmosphere; it can't really be used as a standalone adjective. of the hallway I was standing in slowly began to close in on mecomma making it hard for me to breathe. I closed my eyescomma hoping that I could magically disappear from this now cold, dark and empty place that was supposedly my home, but I knew that no matter how hard I dreamed it would never happen. I don't think this is a particularly strong opening paragraph. Your description is quite hollow, though I see the image you're trying to create. I think you need to work on some more sensual imagery, appealing to two or three of the senses rather than just sight. How does the tear feel on her cheek? You need to build up this atmosphere a bit more, I think.

I would open my eyes and find myself still standing in the hallway outside my father’s chamber and then be taken to see his body before preparations were made for his burial. Though I understand this fits with the rest of the paragraph, I think it's odd, considering this is basically what she does in a few minutes. The imagining is sort of irrelevent. My uncle Midas I'm not overly fond of the name. I think it's overstating your ideas here. Choosing a more subtle name, perhaps with some sort of relevance to his character through meaning if you really think it's necessary, would be better. You can also use sounds, as Arthur Miller does in the play Death of a Salesman. He has Biff - the tough guy, so notice how rough that sound is - and Willy - an old man, laughed at by colleagues and generally at the bottom of the pile, so the sound of his name is quite weak and childish. would pretend to be saddened by the news of the death of his eldest brother, attempt to comfort me and since my father had left no male heir to inherit his crown my uncle would then press on to publically declare himself as the new king of Asinya. After that I didn’t know for how many more days I would remain in the castle. My uncle, who had always had a personal vendetta against my father, would most probably get me married off in a few days to some unknown prince from a land as far away from this kingdom as possible so that he, his wife and his own daughter could have my father’s wealth all for themselves. I think this is a bit too much information for a first chapter. I mean, you need to leave us hanging about something, but I'll continue that train of thought later on.

A sudden hand on my shoulder interrupted my thoughts. “Rose...” My uncle gave me a pitiful smilefull stop. “Why don’t you go inside and say goodbye to your father?” I think the dialogue is a little better that way, and possibly correct.
I nodded without looking at him and, after wiping the single tear that had dropped from my eye I silently headed inside my father’s candle-lit bedchamber.

Surrounding his bedside were the members of the royal court. Their presence in the chamber where my dead father now lay was an insult. Their solemn looks could not mask the truth. I knew that they could not be happier at the news of my father’s death. His hatred for corruption, greed and immorality had made him an enemy among the royal court which consisted of men who engaged in all three acts regularly. Bit of a run-on sentence there. You should watch out for those; a lot of your sentences sound similar anyway, so don't make it worse by introducing run-ons. I'm not sure about your style, but that might be me. I'll mention that at the end.

I suddenly wished Julian was here now to comfort me. Julian was Uncle Midas’s eldest child and the only member of his family who loved my father and loved me. Why? Is there any particular reason why he's loyal to another family? If not, provide one, even if it's something as simple as "because he's nice". If there is, and you haven't mentioned it yet, I'd take out this sentence completely. Julian can be a bit of a mystery for us. Yet he could not help me now. He was in prison for killing a guard belonging to the Vena Islands’ royal family. I feel that this is an issue that probably needs more covering, and not just a quick once-over from you in this paragraph. I had not seen him since I was twelve.

I ignored their glares I know who you mean, but "their" is jarring when we've just had a whole paragraph about Julian. and approached my father to take one final look at his face. For months now I had attempted to emotionally prepare myself for this day, the day that my last surviving relative would die, the day that I would become a complete orphan, the day I would be left absolutely alone surrounded by my father’s foes...but no amount of preparation could brace me for the indescribable grief and pain that I was now feeling. Whoa, long sentence. I think it works, though. Every step I took, the darker the candle-lit room felt. Awkwardness. How about, "With every step, the room felt darker." Describe the candle's shadows and all, rather than using candlelit again. The closer I got to my father’s body, the weaker my heart became. I wanted to scream and cry to my heart’s content Seems like the wrong phrase. "Until my heart emptied", or something. , until no more tears would fall, until the agony would subside but I couldn’t. Don't overdo this repetitive sentence style. It's nice once in a while, but not too often, and certainly not in the same paragraph. Every tear I let escape would only satisfy my father’s enemies further.

I think you need to consider your paragraph transitions. This one, like the last, is stilted and the two don't relate. Try to link them in some way.

He looked paler than ever before. His cheeks were hollowed and there were large dark circles around his eyes. The years of leadership had taken a toll on his body and now he could finally rest. This seems a totally different attitude for your character. How did she go from fearing her uncle and wishing her father were still alive, in essence, to such an accepting state of mind? As I mustered up enough courage to gently kiss him on his cold foreheadcomma childhood memories suddenly flooded my mind. Visions of my father dancing with my mother and I before bedtime, chasing me playfully around the palace gardens when I was feeling down, and telling me stories at night of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after me. Yet the memories left as quickly as they had entered. Entered what? I watched the healer pull up the white sheet of cloth over my father’s dead body and then left the chamber silently She already entered "silently". Don't overuse the -ly adverbs. without looking back.

Okay! I hope that was helpful. I just want to clarify a few things here.

I find your style a bit uninteresting. It's partly to do with the fact that whenever you mention a character, you dump their life story on us. You have to let characters develop. Most of what you say is telling, though it's better done than I usually read, but that doesn't take away from the issue. A lot of sentences are similar, and you don't incite any emotion in this piece. That makes it very difficult for us to feel anything for your characters, or to sympathise with the grief Rose is feeling. Indeed, you don't cover that grief so much. She's just lost her father! Surely her reaction would be less restrained? Even if she's royalty, the emotions running through her can be very different to what she shows. In fact, that would make it very poignant, if you could write it.

Anyway, that's about it from me. Moving on to the next installment! I found this a bit short, for a chapter, but that depends on how many your story has, so I won't discuss it further. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. I'm finding the description really difficult so I'm not surprised a lot of people of picked up on it. Anyway I'll go through the chapters and edit them a bit, try my best to make the story seem a bit more interesting to read.

Hi, this really is the start of an excellent story. there was just ONE mistake I found in the chapter:

I had never been the one to cry over anything.

The story is really cool. Continue writing!!!