Young Writers Society

Love is a friend, a fire, a heaven, a hell, where pleasure, pain, and sad repentance dwell

[Richard Barnfield]

“ALL RISE FOR LADY ROSALINE!”

I entered the majestic cathedral in a silk, long-sleeved ivory coloured gown heavily embroidered down the middle with golden coloured thread and crystals. On my head was a golden crown, encrusted with shining pearls and diamonds, and covering my face was a floor-length veil that trailed behind me dotted with golden sequins.

In an attempt to steer my thoughts away from my nerves, I began to immerse myself in the beauty of the grand cathedral that surrounded me. Everything, from the warm colours of the stain glass windows, to the large candle chandelier above, the cream coloured stone walls and the shining wooden floorboards beneath my feet, it all seemed to emanate a divine glow.

I walked down the aisle to much sounds of “ooh’s”, “ah’s” and whispers coming from the many unfamiliar guests who stood from their seats upon my arrival. Their stares made my heart pace faster than ever, and every step I took towards the golden altar made me realise all the more that this moment was no dream. I had entered this cathedral as Lady Rosaline, ward to King Maurice of Asinya and I was to leave as Lady Rosaline, Queen-consort of King Frederick of Genevere.

The hairs on my arm stood on end at the thought. I desperately looked up at the ceiling and with all my heart prayed.

Dear Lord...please give me the strength.

“Rose,” acknowledged King Frederick, lowering his head slightly as I reached the altar beside him.

“My Lord,” I replied with a curtsy. I noticed that he was dressed in robes that matched my gown and seemed to look much less sinister than he did in our first encounter.

After the guests took their seats again, both King Frederick’s hand and mine were joined together by His Holiness the priest.

The ceremony had begun.

"Dearly beloved!" The Priest addressed. "We are gathered here today before God and these witnesses, to join in Holy matrimony, Frederick Devere, King of Genevere, and Defender of the Eastern Realm, and the Lady Rosaline DuBois. If there be any among you who know of any such reason as to why they should not be married, let them now speak, or forever hold their peace."

I suddenly caught sight of Tristan. To my confusion I saw that his eyes no longer held the kind and playful look about them, instead they seemed to look defeated, empty, and almost lifeless.



“HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, LADY ROSALINE AND HIS MAJESTY, THE KING!”

Frederick and I entered through the middle of the Great Hall to the sound of thunderous applause and cheers. My eyes marvelled at the beauty of the chamber around me. The walls and gallery pillars glistened with golden crystals illuminating the entire hall. Giant chandeliers hung from the grand ceiling above which was painted with thousands of cherub angels and other heavenly beings. Rich gold curtains lazily hung over the four giant windows on each corner of the hall. Beside them, four long oak tables were covered with white rose petals, golden scented candles, and glittering golden plates and goblets. At the top of the hall on a raised dais was a grand stage with two ornate thrones. Behind them hung a giant ivory and gold canopy decorated with more white roses and candles.

It was all enough to take my breath away.

As we reached the centre of the hall, the red velvet clad royal musicians led by the famous Geneveren composer Thomas Keyes, suddenly entered from all corners of the gallery playing “Green sleeves” merrily on their fiddles. Frederick bowed respectfully towards me and I responded with a curtsy. He then took my hand and placed a gentle kiss upon it before we began our first dance together as husband and wife.

As we danced, I made a pathetic attempt to smile, aware of all the eyes in the hall that were now watching me. Those who approved of my marriage and those that didn’t, all were expecting me to be delighted by my 'good fortune' so I could not afford to look otherwise. I tried to remind myself of why I was doing all this; tomorrow morning Julian would finally be released from prison and I would see him for the first time in seven years. By marrying Frederick I had secured his release from prison and his return to his home and family. Asinya would finally have their heir and their Prince. A small smile finally appeared on my face.

I was doing this for Julian. He was worth all the difficulty this marriage would bring.

All of it.

As others soon joined the dance with their spouses, Frederick led me to the smaller of the two golden thrones at the top of the hall. We took our seats together and silently watched as the guests danced, ate, clapped and laughed in enjoyment. I suddenly spotted Tristan among the guests, standing at the end of the hall with a goblet in his hand. Unlike his companions, Tristan seemed to look far from impressed at the enjoyment of the other guests. Whilst his friends flattered bashful ladies of the court, he seemed completely uninterested, choosing to ignore the advances made by several of the maidens surrounding him.

Noticing my gaze, Tristan suddenly looked up at me. I smiled at him, a smile that I hoped would show him how comforted I was by his presence, for he was the only person I knew in this palace full of strangers. Tristan smiled back, yet, again, there seemed to be a hint of sadness in his expression.

“HER ROYAL HIGHNESS QUEEN RENATA AND THE LADIES GABRIELA, FRANCESCA AND MARIBEL!”

The music immediately stopped and all eyes in the hall looked up towards the balcony that ran around the Great Hall.

Glancing down at the festivities below were three young chestnut coloured-haired girls dressed in the same pink silk gowns. Standing in the middle of them stood a dark-haired woman in her mid-thirties dressed in a manner that declared she was a royal, wearing a crown on her head which looked much similar to mine. Despite the sorrows in her life, Queen Renata looked just as beautiful as the rumours had said she was, yet the grief she possessed deep within her heart was ever present on her face. She looked defeated, helpless and it broke my heart.

Several seconds passed before she and her daughters gracefully and simultaneously raised their goblets into the air.

Frederick also raised his goblet towards them and the other guests followed in unison.

“To Lady Rosaline...” said Queen Renata in her thick Eastern accent.

She gazed down at me and I felt my neck burn. I could not imagine the grief she now felt upon seeing her husband marry another woman. I watched as she and her daughters returned to their quarters and lowered my head in sadness. I felt ashamed, despite knowing that the blame was not mine.

As night fell, I was soon taken to the royal bedchambers by Lady Millicent, my new lady-in-waiting.

The priests prepared the circular candle-lit room with prayers from the Holy Scrolls and smoke from scented sticks above the royal bed. I felt both awkward and uncomfortable as I was undressed from behind a screen into my nightgown before, being given holy water from a goblet to drink. Ancient superstition, the priests eagerly reminded me, stated that if holy water is drunk by a woman just before her marriage is consummated, she will definitely deliver her husband with a son.

Silence fell upon the chamber, only to be interrupted occasionally by the crackling coming from the large fireplace.

As I sat on the edge of the royal-bed, my thoughts suddenly brought me back to the days when I was much younger, when I would often dream of my wedding night, imagining the moment when I would give myself to a man that I loved and who valued me. Yet, here I was in King Frederick’s bedchamber, forced to abandon my hopes and dreams and give myself to a man that I hardly knew, let alone loved. I had married him to free my cousin and he had married me to provide his Kingdom with an heir.

Love had no place in all of this.

I clenched my mother's necklace which still hung around my neck and watched silently as Lady Millicent drew the curtains and began to run a comb through my curls. She was much younger than Nan, possibly only a year older than I was, and had blond coloured curls and a kind round face.

After combing my hair she smiled at me warmly. “Is there anything else I can do to make you more comfortable, madam?”

“No, thank you, Lady Millicent...”

She pointed at my neck. “That is a beautiful locket, madam...”

I smiled. “It belonged to my mother.”

Her eyes opened wide with surprise. “Queen Céline?”

I nodded in response.

She smiled sadly. “Her Majesty was a wonderful woman. I was only a child when I saw her, but I can still remember her kindness and grace. She was so very beautiful...like you, madam...”

“HIS MAJESTY, THE KING!”

Lady Millicent quickly straightened up as Frederick charged through the double doors and into the chamber before dismissing all those who were present. With a heavy heart, I watched as the Priests and Lady Millicent left the royal quarters, closing the doors firmly behind them.

My heart raced as Frederick slowly unbuttoned my nightgown and let it drop to the floor before cupping his hands around my neck. As he began to softly kiss my lips I followed reluctantly, my heart jumping out of my throat as his mouth moved to the side of my neck and then on to my shoulders. I felt his warm hands slide up my legs as he laid me down onto the bed and with a deep breath I closed my eyes and prepared myself for what was to come next.

I gripped the bed sheets tightly as a sharp pain made me gasp for breath and tried with all the strength that I had inside me to not make a sound as the pain slowly replaced itself with hints of feeling that I could not describe. Was it the feeling of ecstasy and pleasure that women giggled about after their first night? Did this have anything to do with love or passion? Of course not, I told myself, this was strictly business. Frederick was obliged to free my cousin and I was obliged do give him an heir to the throne. A single tear ran down my cheek as I continued to remind myself....

Love indeed had no place in any of this.

.................

links to other chapters

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53716.html (chapter 1)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53746.html (chapter 2)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53800.html (chapter 3)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54024.html (chapter 5)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54589.html (chapter 6)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic55095.html (chapter 7)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post644335.html (chapter 8.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post652505.html (chapter 9.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic59246.html (chapter 10.

love it, i like the way you write. it does seem like it's not the 21st century but a much older one. It did confuse me that you skipped all the way to the wedding so soon. i feel that maybe you should have let her ponder the news a bit more, but that's my opinion, take it if you want or disregard it.

thank you

Here I am, for review number 4! Okay, since this is the first real review you've had here, I guess I'll go over all the main points.

You're rushing a bit. There's nothing wrong with skipping ahead to the wedding, especially as I think what happens in between there is probably not all that interesting, but the two events deserve some more attention. We want to see some more of Rose's reaction to the will being tampered, though I think it's a little bit obvious that it's her uncle who's done the tampering - if I'm wrong I will be genuinely surprised. In what way has it been tampered with, by the way? We also need to see some more of the wedding day. What's Tristan's expression like? Just give us a bit more detail to work with here.

Take the meeting with the advisor, Lord Spencer. He just magically appears after Rose has spent so long searching for him. "I've been on the other side of the world. So sorry." It's just too fast. Surely Rose would have known him well, if he advised her father? She might have grown up with his presence in the household. There's not really much emotion from her, if this is true. She might feel a bit guilty, looking at his weak appearance, if her uncle had the power to click his fingers and have him housed. Doesn't she feel anything for him? Slow down.

I'm not sure you have your facts right. As far as I know, a queen by marriage alone doesn't have very much power. I'm not even sure if they're called a queen. Prince Philip, despite being married to the Queen of England, is still known as Prince. If you want a basic article on this sort of thing, click here for the Wikipedia article, but I think you should research further. A consort would perhaps be an advisor, but only unofficially. Google "queen consort" and get your facts straight.

Your chapters are still quite short. This goes with the detail thing, but you should probably lengthen them a bit if your story is progressing this fast. There's no need for filler, as there's some legit detail we need here. See above.

Though dialogue is good, don't let your story be dominated by it. You need to sit back and let the prose do its work every so often. I think you should work on your prose. Try and write a few short stories, and see where they take you. Novels are hard work, and sometimes it's best to get some practice in before you embark on them.

That's about it! I'll add things if I remember, but for now, I'll leave it. It's been a pleasure reviewing this. I can see you growing as a writer even through these few pieces. If you have any questions about anything I said in all four reviews, just PM me!

Thank you!

I think you ended it to soon. But you should definitely write more. But other than that I liked it and I think that if you wanted to be an author, you would be a very successful one. Okay, I hope you read some of the stories I wrote, BYE!! [But PlEASE write another chapter, I am eager to find out more!!]

that was really good

Thank you!

Hey, long time since I heard from you! Now, let's begin. The first scene, in my mind, was really under described. I didn't hear how Rose looked, how the adviser looked, what kind of look was on his face when he told her the big news. Nothing but smiling. Which really isn't like him since he's supposed to be all torn up over her father, right?
I thought that the whole adviser thing was a bit out of the blue, but that's okay, see the thing is, it was a bit rude of the adviser to speak to Rose that way. Wasn't she royalty? If she remembers him from her childhood, she should state so in her mind, so that we know why she's so comfortable with him.
Next off, is the advice he gave her. Is he even allowed to say it that bluntly? He should maybe be flustered, fiddle with his coat's buttons or something, in my mind, or if he is blunt, then he'd say so brusquely, whilst looking her in the eye. I missed descriptions of him, and it was a bit lacking "he said" you just tagged it along.
The wedding was lovely in descriptions and in emotions! Just maybe you want to mention her heart tempo? It's always a good sign for stress.
I can't wait to read the rest! Way to leave me hanging with that last line!
So Tristan carried the ring huh? He must feel incredibly guilty - best friend's about to be married, you honored by carrying the ring, yet you stare at his bride - just saying, as a note in the future. Plot wise, great development. Now I'm off to read the rest!
Ofir

Thank you ofir! Brilliant points as always!

“To your father, inheritance had nothing to do with whether you were male or female. You have not received anything because your his will has been tampered with.”

“What do you mean when been ‘tampered with’?” I asked, “What has all this got to do with the rumours of your death?” [I should think this is obvious? Your MC seems to be quite intelligent and would surely have had a court education so why doesn't she catch on immediately? Maybe she's not used to betrayal I suppose but I think that ought to be hinted at a little in that case or she should at least feel a little suspicious: panicked at the idea but not entirely taken over by disbelief.

_____________________

I loved the end passage with the wedding scene, I thought that was nicely written though you could perhaps add in some more descriptions. A few minor details would be nice like the smell of the church (then again, where are they marrying? This is historic fiction so perhaps there are no churches as such yet? Is it grand or small? Is it stone or brick?). I'd like you to also pick out colours. That's always good in important scenes. What sort of finery are the guests wearing, lots of big, embollished hats or more toward the jewels and silk era? It would be nice to be able to place a rough feel of civilisation to the scene. I'm currently imagining something quite roman or aztec but I could be very wrong there...

The beginning could use a little work in the sense that the dialogue seemed very stiff to me. All of your chaarcters speak in a very similar way so that might be something you want to study more. If you listen to how people speak, you'll notice older people speak very differently to younger people and everyone has unique ways of phrasing everything. You need to give each of your characters a unique voice. By the fifth chapter, the reader should be able to pick out at least some of the characters by voice alone so you don't have to always use 'he said' and 'she said'.

Hey Coco, Pink here!
So let's begin with this new chapter,

Although it was beautiful to look at, it weighed a tonne.

Alright, I think 'tonne' is a bad word to describe the weight of the veil.
That's just my opinion, I think you could change that into something else that would fit nicely.
Um that was all for nitpicks really, I enjoyed this chapter. But I still think they're too short and lack some important descriptions. Try working on that in the future.
Other than that, you had a wonderful cliffhanger, loved it.

~Pink

Woah! You caught me off guard there. I mean, you could have fit more things in between the will scene and the wedding, right? I feel like you need to stop, take a breather and add more detail. I know you want to rush to the exciting parts, but at first you need to let readers know your characters! Lets work on that! On to the next one!
~Classy

Hey there!

Ok, so again you've got a load of good points here. I did pick out a couple of nitpicks, however.

“he...had his will written in my prescience.”

Presence?

“What do you mean tampered with’?”

I don't think you need the apostrophe?

Ok, then a couple of points:

Pace. Woah, this is going pretty fast. Sure, the bits you're describing are really good, but the time you skip in between could be filled and the parts that you describe could have a little more detail in them.

Emotions. At the end especially I would like to see more of her emotions as she is getting married to someone that she doesn't love. Even if you're trying to make her close off her feelings, you would at least want to get through some of the emotions that she's feeling, even if they are repressed.

But, again, good work on this one! You've got a nice story that is coming into it's own and I look forward to seeing how it develops further.

Hope this helps!

~Amy

Hey *coco. Well I think this has become more interesting for a novel and I am tempted to read it so here I am on the chapter 5 two hours after I completed the review for chapter 3.

After the guests took their seats again, both King Frederick’s hand and mine were joined together by His Holiness, the priest.

While he began to address the guests, I suddenly caught sight of Tristan.

Whilst his friends flattered bashful un-married ladies of the court, Tristan seemed completely un-interested, choosing to ignore the advances made by several of the maidens surrounding him.

Well this is going to be a personal choice. You have used 'in' words twice here in this sentence and personally it doesn't interest me much and somehow blocks the flow of the story. So just replace the un-married word, as it seems awkward, with spinsters(cut ladies then) or maidens. And even if you go with the un-married version, there's no hyphen here.

Love indeed had no place in any of this.

I indeed liked how you repeated this sentence which made a great impact.

Well I think this chapter in terms of mistakes was the most solid one as I was only able to find out few mistakes, which is a good signal. I really liked how you described everything-the hall, the banquet and everything else.

So there is one thing I want to tell you. You tend to be careless on commas and you should start putting them up, so that we don't get confused.

I don't have much to see except that I am excited to see where it goes and would she find her love after the marriage. And also as AquaMarine said this is going a bit too fast. I really think that you could have shown some of her moments in her mother's castle before the wedding. That's all I have got to say at the moment but I hope I get to say more because being quiet frustrates me.

Sorry for the short review!

~Shubhi