Young Writers Society

Love is a friend, a fire, a heaven, a hell, where pleasure, pain, and sad repentance dwell

[Richard Barnfield]

“Ah, Lady Millicent...” I looked up from my embroidering just in time to see my Principle lady-in-waiting enter my quarters carrying the scarlet coloured lace gown I was to wear for tonight’s feast. A delightful smirk was spread across her face as she approached me. “How is Princess Gabriela doing?” I asked.

She gave a happy sigh before beginning to undress me. “Well, My Lady, she is terribly excited - bless her soul - and Queen Renata...well, she is positively beaming! I honestly cannot remember the last time I saw the two of them so happy!”

I smiled. “That is wonderful to hear.”

This morning there had been much yelling in court after Frederick had discovered that his eldest daughter Gabriela was in love with Prince Damiano of the Venan Islands, and that the pair had been secretly writing to each other for several months now since first meeting at the Venan Islands masquerade ball two years ago. The news had deeply angered Frederick, as he had initially planned to marry the Princess to her maternal cousin, the Imperial prince of Calley, so as to forge important ties with the kingdom.

The situation had become so critical at one point that Frederick had declared that he would send Gabriela to a nunnery for her ‘lewd’ actions. However, as the day progressed it became clear that Frederick’s love for his daughter was far greater than the love of his reputation. His heart soon softened to the news and by the evening he had given the Princess permission to join court for the first time for a celebratory feast, even going as far as inviting the Venan Islands Royal family to formally meet with him to immediately set a date for the marriage.

As Lady Millicent began to dress me, I smiled at the thought of how wonderful it must feel to marry someone who you truly loved. I was delighted for the Princess and her good fortune to be among the few women in these times to be of royal blood and still have the privilege to be able to marry whosoever she wishes.

Several minutes after I was fully dressed and my long crimson coloured curls were loosely plaited to one side, a sudden thought crept into my mind.

“One moment, Lady Millicent,” I said, moving towards my bed and bringing out a small wooden box from underneath where I kept some of my most precious items. Underneath my mother’s pearl necklace and the golden pocket watch that had once belonged to my father, was a small oval shaped brooch covered in golden-leaf patterns with a glistening ruby stone in the centre. I wrapped the item in a thin layer of blue velvet and handed it over to Lady Millicent.

“For Princess Gabriela,” I said to her. “Do you think she‘ll like it?”

“Oh, it’s beautiful!" she gasped. "I’m sure she will love it, but...why such an expensive gesture? She and her family are not exactly warm towards you.”

“Their feelings towards me are completely justified. Regardless, I know how important this day must be for the Princess. I had worn this brooch on the morning of my wedding for luck and it provided me with much comfort. I only hope that it may help her also.”

“You’ve a very kind heart, my Lady,” smiled Lady Millicent. “I shall give it to her immediately!”

I smiled as I watched her go, hoping with all my heart that the princess would accept it.

“Lady Rosaline...”

I looked up and suddenly saw one of Frederick’s men enter my chambers.

“The King requests your presence in his study.”

My heart pounded with great intensity as I left my chambers and walked down the corridor towards the study, wondering why Frederick had asked to see me after more than a week of keeping his distance.

I walked nervously into the large chamber through the first entrance, my heart still racing inside me as I looked around. The room was a slightly smaller version of the main library, with books covering most of the floral painted walls. Several oak desks sat around the room with bits of parchment carelessly scattered across them.

I could see Frederick standing behind a half-drawn green curtain at the very end of the room beside the second entrance to the study and watched anxiously as he, Tristan, and a man who I recognised to be one of Tristan’s childhood friends, Jacob Chamberlain the Duke of Monefrat, gathered around a particularly large desk littered with parchments and scrolls. They were so deep in conversation with one another that not one of them seemed to notice my presence.

As I began to approach them, I was stopped abruptly by an announcement from one of Frederick’s servants who stood next to the doors to the second entrance.

“MY LORD PRIVY SEAL LORD RICHARD WOTTON AND MY LORD CHANCELLOR SIR EDWIN GRAY.”

I watched both Tristan and the Duke of Monefrat look up at Lord Wotton distastefully. It was clear that this man was very much disliked with a passion by some of the Dukes here in Genevere, but why, I wondered?

Frederick grunted irritably as the two men approached him, his eyes still scanning the parchment on his desk. “Make it quick gentlemen; I have a banquet to attend to.”

“My Lord,” began Lord Wotton cautiously, “I regret to inform you that your cousin Lord Tybalt has now threatened to wage war on this Kingdom if his demands are not met.”

“WHAT?” spluttered Frederick, his eyes piercing Lord Wotton’s with deadly outrage.

I hurriedly hid behind one of the oak desks just in time to see Lord Wotton hand Frederick a rolled up piece of parchment before continuing. “He has sent this formal declaration of war, along with a copy of the agreement made on the night of your coronation which states that if Your Majesty does not receive a legitimate heir to the throne by the age of 30, then the line of succession would run through the house of your cousin Lord Tybalt, the Great House of Van Gard.”

My heart sank to the depths of my stomach.

Sir Gray cautiously continued. “The...lack of Your Majesty’s response on the matter has also prompted Lord Tybalt to not only threaten to wage war on this part of the realm, but to take the matter of the issue of succession up to the High Priests and the Supreme Court. Now, as Your Majesty is aware, Lord Tybalt already has a legitimate heir to the throne so the decision of the Court will surely be made in his favour and not Your Majesty’s.”

With one great violent sweep, Frederick threw the entire contents of his desk onto the floor in outrage.

“Majesty...” Sir Gray pressed, slowly approaching Frederick, “All is not yet lost. We still have almost a month until your 30th birthday. Perhaps if you would start visiting Lady Rosaline’s bedchambers again, she may still be able to provide you with the heir that this kingdom so desperately needs!”

“WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T!” roared Frederick, his voice shaking with fury. “WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED ALMOST A MONTH AND SHE IS STILL NOT YET WITH CHILD!”

Lord Wotton bravely stepped forward. “If that is the case, then perhaps Your Majesty should consider taking another wife. I hear the Duchess of Czar is still available...”

My entire body felt as though it had become paralysed. I clenched my chest as though I feared my heart would stop.

Frederick turned to face Tristan, whose previously concerned expression now replaced itself with complete outrage. “What do you say, Your Grace?” Frederick asked him. “Should I take on another wife?”

Tristan’s body tensed in anger. “My Lord, as your friend, I feel it is my duty to warn you not to do such a thing -”

“Not do such a thing?” repeated Lord Wotton, interrupting Tristan with a dry laugh. “What does the oh-so-noble Duke of Unis suggest then? That we do nothing? That we simply stand by and watch the line of succession run through scum like the House of Van Gard? That we allow generation after generation of blood, sweat, and tears to be poured down the drain all because of one woman’s inability to conceive?”

“One woman?” Tristan pressed fiercely. “Remember who you are speaking of, Lord Wotton, Lady Rosaline is the wife of our King!” He turned to continue to pursue Frederick. “Sire...” he said, placing a hand on Frederick’s shoulder, “I implore you to see reason. There is still time-”

“There is no time, my Lord, Genevere needs an heir!” yelled Lord Wotton.

Frederick silenced his advisor with a raised hand before turning to face Tristan and the Duke of Monefrat. “Leave. I shall see you both down at the banquet.”

Tristan looked taken aback by Frederick’s sudden dismissal. Several seconds later, he pushed passed Lord Wotton before angrily storming out of the study, his face red with fury as the Duke of Monefrat followed swiftly behind him.
..............................................................................

links to other chapters

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53716.html (chapter 1)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53746.html (chapter 2)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53800.html (chapter 3)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53888.html (chapter 4)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54024.html (chapter 5)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic55095.html (chapter 7)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post644335.html (chapter 8.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post652505.html (chapter 9.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic59246.html (chapter 10.

I like this story. I can never guess what is going to happen next. I don't have anything really to critisize. This chapter seemed very simple, like a passover chapter. I can tell that the real action is soon to come.

I really liked this chapter but I wish that you'd give Rose a bit more personality. For example, when she's around Tristan I was hoping for a little connection, some chemistry, but instead I got very little of both.

I remember in one of the earlier chapters she was screaming at her uncle and listing reasons why Frederick was a horrible choice for a husband, in that one scene I felt so much personality. I got the vibe of "I'm not gonna take anymore of your shit, dude" but then it was over and that's what I'm talking about.

The dialogue overall is nice and flows well but at certain points it almost felt too robotic.

Also, you have way of saying a lot without really saying anything at all. You know what I mean? it was intriguing at first but has become quite bothersome.

Oh, and I have most definitely read your others chapters, this is just my first time commenting . I hopw I wasn't too harsh, and please don't get me wrong. I adore Rose adn this storyline, plus I can't wait to hear more! Keep writing!!

Thanks for the comments guys! I really appreciate it!

I am still a fan of yours, that is for sure.

As for Tristan, there isn't much to say, yet. He seems to be attached to Rose, seems to be annoyed over the fact that she is stuck in this situation but so far, there's not much to say about his personality.

Does that help? Please PM me when the next chapter is out

Tanya

Thanks so much!

Hi Coco, it's me again.
Well there isn't much that I can possibly say about this chapter, I was rather 'sucked into' the storyline and forgot to check for any errors. So this 'review' will be short.
Unfortunately I can't provide you with a decent line to line review because I couldn't exactly catch anything.
One tip though, slow things down and add more detail. I love the way Rose's character is portrayed and all, but the rest of the characters are strangers in my eyes. I barely know Tristan or Frederick and they're supposed to play a vital role in this story, correct? So just work on that..
I really enjoyed this chapter, good job.

~Pink

Hey there!

Few nitpicks:

I laughed inwardly at the countless moments I had spent hoping that though my decision to marry was for the sake of my family and that it would eventually bring me happiness.

Remove "and that" and add in a comma.

He asks that his grace, the duke of Unis accompany you instead.”

I have a feeling that "Duke" should be capitalized.

My main problem with this chapter is the attitude of the nobles. They way you have set out your story so far, I find it very hard to believe that a girl would be let in to political discussions with lords. Perhaps she would be, but you would expect to have a couple of characters who disagreed with her being there. Also, I highly doubt that the matter of her inability to produce an air would be talked about with such openess. Perhaps if the man was drunk he would make this toast, but it wouldn't be something so openly talked about to the queen. You might, however, expect a noble who wasn't so fond of her to make some snide comment about the subject. There are a lot of options for the way she realises, but I don't think that this one would be the most realistic one.

Hope this helps!

~Amy

Hi, I'm here, sorry it's taken so long!

I don't have all that much to say, apart from the fact that I really enjoyed reading it! I love the description throughout! Apart from the few things that have been mentioned, I have nothing more to say. Good work!

Sorry it's so short.

Keep writing!

~Mo.

Hey *coco for making you wait so long. Since the time I have started on going to the Chatwall, I don't concentrate on anything, even though I have number of requests to be completed. Sorry, again!

I walked nervously into the large study through the first entrance, my heart still racing inside me as I looked around.

I think you use some pretty good phrases to show the emotions of the characters, but I think you keep on repeating them, so just try to find out more feelings or phrases, and you know what? You can create them, too.

I could see Frederick standing behind a green curtain at the very end of the room beside the second entrance to the study and watched anxiously as he, Tristan, and a man who I recognised to be one of Tristan’s childhood friends, Jacob Chamberlain, the Duke of Monefrat, gathered around a particularly large desk littered with parchments and scrolls.

My heart sank to the depths of my stomach.

See? I liked this one!

“WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T!” roared Frederick, his voice shaking with fury. “WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED ALMOST A MONTH AND SHE IS STILL NOT YET WITH CHILD!”

Okay, so I like the idea of writing the words they shout in capitals, but sometimes you can use the verb.

I liked the sarcasm Lord Wutton provides after the idea of Tristan.

So, now I have got another twist, and my tiny little self can't wait to see what is going to happen next. Look, I have so much to review but your novel makes it difficult. I very much like the way you write, as the chapters are progressing your mistakes, specially the grammar ones are reducing. So no doubt, you are progressing too. Except for some repeated phrases your writing is smooth and it has a certain flow to it. Well, the only thing which bugs me now is that she isn't in love with Frederick and so if he marries again, it should be least of her concerns. Also because even when he marries off someone else, she would live the life of same comfort.

So, I have nothing else to say. Heading for the next chapter.

~Shubhi

*coco wrote:“One moment, Lady Millicent,” I said, moving towards my bed and bringing out a small wooden box from underneath where I kept some of my most precious items. Underneath my mother’s pearl necklace and the golden pocket watch that had once belonged to my father, was a small oval shaped brooch covered in golden patterns with a glistening ruby stone in the centre. I wrapped the item in a thin layer of blue velvet and handed it over to Lady Millicent.

“For the Princess Gabriela,” I said to her. “Do you think she‘ll like it?”

“Oh, it’s beautiful!" she gasped. "I’m sure she will love it, but...why such an expensive gesture? She and her family are not exactly warm towards you.”

In this whole part, I wish you could describe Rosaline's feelings more. Does she feel any regret at all? What is she thinking at the moment?

*coco wrote:I could see Frederick standing behind a green curtain at the very end of the room

Careful. How can she see him if he's standing behind a curtain? Maybe just add that it's partially open, etc.

*coco wrote:My heart sank to the depths of my stomach.

I like this line.

*coco wrote:“Majesty...” Sir Gray pressed, slowly approaching Frederick,

I think this whole part would be better if you described Sir Gray's expression a bit more, so we can picture his reaction better in our heads.

Wow. This chapter helped characterize Tristan much more! I wish that you could start focusing on expressions more, so the reader can picture all these events better, and so we can understand your characters better.

Hope I helped-

KD