Of Loss and Love (chp.1) [newly edited]

Hey *Coco!
Wow I have to say I really loved the revamped version of the first chapter. Just the very beginning was gripping enough with the whole sensing your parents death part. Your wording and explanation there really made me feel for your character. Thumbs up!
I really don't have much to pick out at this point but this sentence:

“Princess,” said Lord Sébastian, also bowing, more solemnly

I am so sorry it took so long! Finally - I got to it

The Elders of the Western Realms say that when a parent passes away, their children can often sense it. This is a great beginning, real eye grabberOn the day of my father’s passing that very sense was enough to wake me from a sleep that was similar to death itself.

Perhaps my feelings were entirely imaginary, a nightmare even, for I had been having plenty Sorry, I just don't like the word - it's nitpicky, but I think another phrasing would be better. Plenty sounds very simple. Of course, it's totally up to you of them since my father had first become ill. With that thought in mind, I closed my eyes, hoping with all my heart that when I would open them again I would see that what my heart was telling me was a lie. Unfortunately, I was soon to be bitterly disappointed.

Suddenly I heard the deafening sounds of the warning bells echoing throughout the Old City,followed swiftly by the sounds of echoing footsteps. Several seconds passed before a dark shadow appeared from behind my chamber door.

“My Lady,” breathed Nan - I love the name as she entered my chambers. “The King-”

The slightest glimmer of hope that had remained inside me vanished after seeing the look on her face.

Nan continued devastatingly, “I’m sorry but your father...he is no more...”

My reaction was instant. “No...” I said, my voice was barely a whisper as hot thick tears ran down my cheeks. Suddenly my chamber walls began to feel as though they were closing in on me, my breath started to feel short and heavy...

With great force I pushed back the bed sheets that covered me and desperately ran out of my quarters.

I could hear Nan calling me, running after me so that she could console me but I did not dare stop.Wwhy? I hurried down the steps and sprinted across the arched torch-lit third floor hallway.

Servants crowded around in large groups outside the steps of the Northern Tower, weeping into each other’s shoulders as news spread through the castle. Several looked up at me upon my arrival, some glaring Aagain, why?at me whilst others threw me looks of pity. I pushed past them and ascended the Tower’s steep spiral staircase. Their tears did not matter to me, and neither did their grief.

Nothing mattered anymore.

As I emerged onto the landing I could hear the hushed voices of Uncle Maurice and his crooked-nosed advisor Lord Sébastian.

“...perhaps we should wait a while...otherwise people may grow suspicious,” spoke Uncle Maurice quietly.

“We cannot afford to wait, Sire,” Lord Sébastian replied. “King Théodore has no heir to the throne and no son to continue with the succession. We must immediately press ahead with the declaration of your legitimate ascension to the throne-”

“Ah...Princess Rosaline,” Uncle Maurice suddenly caught sight of me and cleared his throat nervously before bowing in my direction.

“Princess,” said Lord Sébastian, also bowing, more solemnly.

I stared at Lord Sébastian coldly. His sombre expression could not mask his true feelings at the news of my father’s demise. I knew all too well that he could not have been happier by the news. My father’s hatred for corruption, greed, immorality, and his opposition to political and religious reformation made him an enemy among pro-reformistOkay, so I like it that you give no explenation to that, but do remember your targeted crowd is [I assume] teenagers - and most of the teenagers really won't know what pro-reformist means exactly, so an explenation is probably needed nobles such as Lord Sébastian.

“Where is my father?” I asked my uncle desperately. “I want to see him...”

Lord Sébastian looked hesitant. “My Lady, I don’t think that would be-”

“I AM THE PRINCESS OF ASINYA, YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE HIM!” I yelled, staring venomously into his eyes.

“Very well,” he nodded before stepping aside.

My hands trembled as I walked through the heavy wooden doors into my father’s bedchamber. A cold sensation gripped me as I stepped inside. The large circular room was dimly lit by candle-light and the air carried a sickly sweet smell that made my hair stand on end. Several few court-physicians were still glaring over my father’s body, whilst the Chapel Priests flicked rose water onto his body and muttered prayers of salvation from the Holy Scroll. Upon my arrival, they stood from their seats and bowed.

“Wh...what happened to him?” I asked them, my voice shaking. I had known that my father had been feeling poorly for a while now, but never had it ever been declared as life-threatening in any way.

The court-physicians swapped glances.

“I’m afraid, we cannot say,” replied one. “He-”

“Please give the Princess a moment alone with her father,” Uncle Maurice’s voice came suddenly from behind me.

The court-physicians and Priests obediently stepped out of the chamber, followed closely by Uncle Maurice who closed the doors behind them.

I turned away from the door and with the little courage that remained inside me I faced my father’s bed. Wrapped in green velvet, embroidered with golden needle work was my father’s body. He looked paler than ever before, his cheeks were hollowed and there were large dark circles around his eyes. It was clear that the years of leadership had taken a toll on his body. Now he could finally rest - now he could finally be with my mother.

Suddenly the realisation of my situation hit me like a dagger to my heart. As I looked down at my father’s lifeless body the dreadful truth swept over me. My every limb began to feel numb at the thought of what this death meant. At just seventeen years old, I would become an orphan, and as a woman I would be at the mercy and care of my father’s enemies.

I placed my head over my father’s chest and wept tears of such anguish I thought that my heart would bleed with pain. “Father...” I sobbed into his chest. “I beg you...please don’t leave me...”Okay, so I'm not sure what to think about this line here. It's very used, you know. Maybe you should add something, for example, 'I'm scared', or - if she doesn't want to say that out loud next to her uncle, she could think it. I think it makes it a bit more authentic... Totally up to you though

Suddenly the chamber doors burst open and Nan ran in towards me, her face tear-stained as she began to pull me away.

“Please, my Lady...” she sniffed, wiping away my tears with her hands and pulling me into an embrace and cradling me in her arms. “You must stop...”

“I'm all alone, Nan...” I wept. “I am all alone...”

“You are not alone, my Lady,” Nan said firmly, holding my face. “You have me...I promise I shall always be here for you...always...” She wiped away the remaining tears from my face before giving me a reassuring smile. “Come now, let us say goodbye to your father.”

I closed my eyes for several seconds in an attempt to muster up enough courage before kissing my father gently on his hand. As I did so, childhood memories suddenly swept through my mind like waves from an ocean. I suddenly remembered how every night after supper my father would dance with me in the ballroom whilst my mother played the piano. I suddenly remembered how my father would playfully chase me around the castle gardens along with Nan everyday when I refused to take my night bath. And my fondest memory of all, was when my father would lie in bed with me every night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after my mother and me.

The memories were still fresh in my mind as though they had happened only yesterday, and I would treasure each of them as though they were precious pearls, for those brief but happy moments were the only thing I had left in this world that would bring me comfort in the long, lonely and uncertain future that lay ahead of me.

With one kiss to my father's cold forehead, I spoke to him for the last time, “Goodbye father."

Hi Coco! KD here to review as sort of requested ^^; I'll try to review this like I've never read it before, since you edited the whole story. (Anyways, I read this so long ago.)



Nitpicks:


Corrections in the quotes (things to insert, take out, and point out) in bold.

The Elders of the Western Realms would say that when a parent passes away,
their children can often sense it.

With that thought in mind, I closed my eyes, hoping with all my heart that when
I would open them again I would see that what my heart was telling me was a lie.

Suddenly I heard the deafening sounds of the warning bells echoing throughout the Old City followed swiftly by the sounds of echoing footsteps.

With my heart beating and my blood pounding I hurried down the steps and sprinted across the arched torch-lit third floor hallway.

“No...” I said, my voice was barely a whisper as hot thick tears ran down my cheeks and blood pounded in my ears.

Servants crowded around in large groups outside the steps of the Northern tTower, weeping into each other’s shoulders as news spread through the castle.

“Ah...Princess Rosaline,” Uncle Maurice suddenly caught sight of me and cleared his throat nervously before bowing in my direction.

“Princess,” said Lord Sébastian, also bowing, more solemnly.

I stared at him coldly. His sombre expression could not mask his true feelings at the news of my father’s demise. I knew all too well that he could not be happier by the news. My father’s hatred for corruption, greed, immorality, and his opposition to political and religious reformation made him an enemy among pro-reformist nobles such as Lord Sébastian.

“I AM THE PRINCESS OF ASINYA, YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE HIM!” I yelled, staring venomously into his eyes.

“Very well,” he nodded before stepping aside.

whilst the Chapel Priests flicked rose water onto his body and muttered prayers of salvation from the Holy Scroll. Upon my arrival, they stood from their seats and bowed.

“Wh...what happened to him?” I asledasked them, my voice shaking.

“-pPlease give the Princess a moment alone with her father,” Uncle Maurice’s voice came suddenly from behind me.

I turned away from the door and with the little courage that remained inside me I faced my father’s bed. Wrapped in green velvet embroidered with golden needle work was my father’s dead body.

Now he could finally rest - now he could finally be with my mother.

Suddenly the realisation of my situation hit me like a dagger to my heart. As I looked down at my father’s lifeless body the dreadful truth swept over me like a plague.

At just seventeen years old, I would become an orphan, and as a woman I would be at the mercy and care of my father’s enemies.

“He promised me, Nan...” I continued to sob. “...after mMother died he promised he would never leave me...”

I closed my eyes for several seconds in an attempt to muster up enough courage before kissing my father gently on his hand. As I did so, childhood memories suddenly swept through my mind like waves from an ocean. I suddenly remembered how every night after supper my father would dance with me in the ballroom whilst my mother played the piano. I suddenly remembered how my father would playfully chase me around the castle gardens along with Nan everyday when I refused to take my night bath. And my most fondest memory of all, was when my father would lie in bed with me every night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after my mother and Ime.

With one kiss to my father's cold forehead, I spoke to him for the last time, “Goodbye father," I said.

Hey *coco.

First of all a big invisible hug and chocolate for requesting a review. I really wanted to a novel's review as it's much fun and you have at least some more chapters to glue you in.

So here goes the review:

The Elders of the Western Realms would say that when a parent passes away, their children can often sense it.

...can often sense it before

With that thought in mind, I closed my eyes hoping with all my heart that when I would open them again I would see that what my heart was telling me was a lie.

“No...” I said, my voice was barely a whisper as hot thick tears ran down my cheeks and blood pounded in my ears.

I loved this description.

Of Loss and Love: chapter one

Nothing mattered anymore.

As I emerged onto the landing I could hear the hushed voices of Uncle Maurice and his crooked-nosed advisor, Lord Sébastian.

His sombre expression could not mask his true feelings at the news of my father’s demise.

I knew all too well that he could not be happier by the news.

“I AM THE PRINCESS OF ASINYA, YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE HIM!” I yelled, staring venomously into his eyes.

“Wh...what happened to him?” I asked them, my voice shaking.

As I did so, childhood memories suddenly swept through my mind like waves from an ocean.

And my most fondest memory of all, when my father would lie in bed with me every night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after my mother and me.

With one kiss to my father's cold forehead, I spoke to him for the last time, “Goodbye father," I said.

Wrapped in green velvet, embroidered with golden needle work was my father’s dead body.

Thanks Aqua! It's good to be back!

Hello, Coco! Nice to see you around again. So, you asked me to take a look a the edited version - I'll see what I can do!

The Elders of the Western Realms would say that when a parent passes away, their children can often sense it. On the day of my father’s passing that very sense was enough to wake me from a sleep that was similar to death itself.

I closed my eyes hoping with all my heart that when I would open them again I would see that what my heart was telling me was a lie. Unfortunately, I was soon to be bitterly disappointed.

With great force I pushed back the bed sheets that covered me and desperately ran out of my quarters.

Please check out the changes made. Thanks a bunch

I love your story so far! you are a great writer!

I like this version of your story better. I found out the relationship with her father, which makes much more sense as to why she mourns him. It's like, now I know that she had a healthy relationship with her father instead of the type of relationship most kings and princesses have with each other.

Something about your writing that I have noticed is that you tell the reader what another character is thinking or the reason behind the act but still in first person with the protagonist. Don't tell us the reason, just write it.

I hope my comment made any sense, if not sorry. but i really liked this better.
happy writings

Hi! You gave me such a nice review on my demon brothers story that I thought I'd do the same for you!

I liked this first chapter. It's a lot similar to Hamlet plotwise - the father dying and the uncle taking over the kingdom. You have a knack for stuffing paragraphs full of details, which in some writer's cases can get tedious to read through but you definitely pulled it off. I kind of felt rushed into the story, it would help if you lengthened out the intro a bit, but other than that I see no problems.

Hi *Coco, Pink here, as requested.
So I've read your chapter and there's only one thing I'd really like to point out.
Your wording in a few sentences is a bit difficult to read, it's not wrong but just a little different. I think it's just because the time period and the way the narrator is speaking. I like the emotions you put into this chapter although I think it's a little to short for my taste. It's a wonderful start and I'm eager to read more.
On to the next chapter!

~Pink
(So sorry if this was a short and unhelpful review. I'm in a hurry right now, I'll make it up in the next chapter if possible )

This looks like a really interesting story. You have considered the plot and characters. I suspect great things.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it!

I really like it so far. I want to see where your going with all of this. Rose seems like an interesting characters, and I would like to see her develop more.

Good job!! Off to read the rest!

Thank you!

Hi, this really is the start of an excellent story. there was just ONE mistake I found in the chapter:

I had never been the one to cry over anything.

Thanks for the advice. I'm finding the description really difficult so I'm not surprised a lot of people of picked up on it. Anyway I'll go through the chapters and edit them a bit, try my best to make the story seem a bit more interesting to read.

I haven't done a line-by-line like this in over a year, but I figure it'll be easier to pinpoint areas I'd like to talk about, and I already had a partial review on the unedited version. This is take 2.

Comments and Corrections.

*coco wrote:“I’m sorry, Princess.”
I looked away from the healer immediately and the tear that I had felt coming for the past hour finally fell onto A tear doesn't usually "fall onto" the cheek. Use "runs down". my cheek. The dark and eerie walls Eerie walls? How can walls be eerie? You have an eerie atmosphere; it can't really be used as a standalone adjective. of the hallway I was standing in slowly began to close in on mecomma making it hard for me to breathe. I closed my eyescomma hoping that I could magically disappear from this now cold, dark and empty place that was supposedly my home, but I knew that no matter how hard I dreamed it would never happen. I don't think this is a particularly strong opening paragraph. Your description is quite hollow, though I see the image you're trying to create. I think you need to work on some more sensual imagery, appealing to two or three of the senses rather than just sight. How does the tear feel on her cheek? You need to build up this atmosphere a bit more, I think.

I would open my eyes and find myself still standing in the hallway outside my father’s chamber and then be taken to see his body before preparations were made for his burial. Though I understand this fits with the rest of the paragraph, I think it's odd, considering this is basically what she does in a few minutes. The imagining is sort of irrelevent. My uncle Midas I'm not overly fond of the name. I think it's overstating your ideas here. Choosing a more subtle name, perhaps with some sort of relevance to his character through meaning if you really think it's necessary, would be better. You can also use sounds, as Arthur Miller does in the play Death of a Salesman. He has Biff - the tough guy, so notice how rough that sound is - and Willy - an old man, laughed at by colleagues and generally at the bottom of the pile, so the sound of his name is quite weak and childish. would pretend to be saddened by the news of the death of his eldest brother, attempt to comfort me and since my father had left no male heir to inherit his crown my uncle would then press on to publically declare himself as the new king of Asinya. After that I didn’t know for how many more days I would remain in the castle. My uncle, who had always had a personal vendetta against my father, would most probably get me married off in a few days to some unknown prince from a land as far away from this kingdom as possible so that he, his wife and his own daughter could have my father’s wealth all for themselves. I think this is a bit too much information for a first chapter. I mean, you need to leave us hanging about something, but I'll continue that train of thought later on.

A sudden hand on my shoulder interrupted my thoughts. “Rose...” My uncle gave me a pitiful smilefull stop. “Why don’t you go inside and say goodbye to your father?” I think the dialogue is a little better that way, and possibly correct.
I nodded without looking at him and, after wiping the single tear that had dropped from my eye I silently headed inside my father’s candle-lit bedchamber.

Surrounding his bedside were the members of the royal court. Their presence in the chamber where my dead father now lay was an insult. Their solemn looks could not mask the truth. I knew that they could not be happier at the news of my father’s death. His hatred for corruption, greed and immorality had made him an enemy among the royal court which consisted of men who engaged in all three acts regularly. Bit of a run-on sentence there. You should watch out for those; a lot of your sentences sound similar anyway, so don't make it worse by introducing run-ons. I'm not sure about your style, but that might be me. I'll mention that at the end.

I suddenly wished Julian was here now to comfort me. Julian was Uncle Midas’s eldest child and the only member of his family who loved my father and loved me. Why? Is there any particular reason why he's loyal to another family? If not, provide one, even if it's something as simple as "because he's nice". If there is, and you haven't mentioned it yet, I'd take out this sentence completely. Julian can be a bit of a mystery for us. Yet he could not help me now. He was in prison for killing a guard belonging to the Vena Islands’ royal family. I feel that this is an issue that probably needs more covering, and not just a quick once-over from you in this paragraph. I had not seen him since I was twelve.

I ignored their glares I know who you mean, but "their" is jarring when we've just had a whole paragraph about Julian. and approached my father to take one final look at his face. For months now I had attempted to emotionally prepare myself for this day, the day that my last surviving relative would die, the day that I would become a complete orphan, the day I would be left absolutely alone surrounded by my father’s foes...but no amount of preparation could brace me for the indescribable grief and pain that I was now feeling. Whoa, long sentence. I think it works, though. Every step I took, the darker the candle-lit room felt. Awkwardness. How about, "With every step, the room felt darker." Describe the candle's shadows and all, rather than using candlelit again. The closer I got to my father’s body, the weaker my heart became. I wanted to scream and cry to my heart’s content Seems like the wrong phrase. "Until my heart emptied", or something. , until no more tears would fall, until the agony would subside but I couldn’t. Don't overdo this repetitive sentence style. It's nice once in a while, but not too often, and certainly not in the same paragraph. Every tear I let escape would only satisfy my father’s enemies further.

I think you need to consider your paragraph transitions. This one, like the last, is stilted and the two don't relate. Try to link them in some way.

He looked paler than ever before. His cheeks were hollowed and there were large dark circles around his eyes. The years of leadership had taken a toll on his body and now he could finally rest. This seems a totally different attitude for your character. How did she go from fearing her uncle and wishing her father were still alive, in essence, to such an accepting state of mind? As I mustered up enough courage to gently kiss him on his cold foreheadcomma childhood memories suddenly flooded my mind. Visions of my father dancing with my mother and I before bedtime, chasing me playfully around the palace gardens when I was feeling down, and telling me stories at night of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after me. Yet the memories left as quickly as they had entered. Entered what? I watched the healer pull up the white sheet of cloth over my father’s dead body and then left the chamber silently She already entered "silently". Don't overuse the -ly adverbs. without looking back.

Hey there! Sorry it took me so long to get to this - you caught me at a busy time!

Alrighty then, nitpicks!

I closed my eyes, hoping that I could magically disappear from this now cold, dark and empty place that was supposedly my home but I knew that no matter how hard I dreamed it would never happen.

Every step I took, the darker the candle-lit room seemed

The more closer I got to him, the weaker my heart became

and as I watched the healer pull up the white sheet of cloth over my father’s dead body, I left the chamber silently without looking back.

Great, lol! I was wondering why you seemed confused!

ohhh, now i know what confused me. never mind on the fourth chapter. i think i read that one first.

Brilliant nit-picks, lol, how embarrassing! What would I do without you all!

Hey! I'm Trish, and I'll be reviewing your story today! It might take a bit for me to get all the way to your fourth chapter, but I'll do them as fast as I can. Just beware that I am a huge grammar freak, so there might be quite a few nit-picks. But anyways, here we go!

Nit-Picks

The walls of the hallway I was standing in slowly began close in on me making it harder for me to breath.

I would open my eyes and find myself still standing in the dark hallway outside my father’s chamber and then be taken to see my his body before preparations were made for his burial.

My uncle would pretend to be saddened by the news of the death of his eldest brother, attempt to comfort me and since my father had left no male heir to inherit his crown my uncle would then press on to publically declare himself as the new King of Asinya.

My uncle, who had always had a personal vendetta against my father, would most probably get me married off in a few days to some unknown prince from a land as far away from this kingdom as possible so that he, his wife and his own daughter could have my father’s wealth all for themselves.

my uncle gave me a pitiful smile, his touch although gentle felt like a rock on my shoulder,

I looked away from the healer immediately and the tear that I had felt coming for the past hour finally fell onto my cheek. The walls of the hallway I was standing in slowly began close in on me making it harder for me to breath. I closed my eyes hoping that I could magically disappear from this now cold, dark and empty place that was supposedly my home but I knew that no matter how hard I dreamed it would never happen. I would open my eyes and find myself still standing in the dark hallway outside my father’s chamber and then be taken to see my his body before preparations were made for his burial. My uncle would pretend to be saddened by the news of the death of his eldest brother, attempt to comfort me and since my father had left no male heir to inherit his crown my uncle would then press on to publically declare himself as the new King of Asinya. After that I didn’t know for how many more days I would remain in the castle. My uncle, who had always had a personal vendetta against my father, would most probably get me married off in a few days to some unknown prince from a land as far away from this kingdom as possible so that he, his wife and his own daughter could have my father’s wealth all for themselves.A sudden hand on my shoulder interrupted my thoughts. “Rose...” my uncle gave me a pitiful smile, his touch although gentle felt like a rock on my shoulder, “why don’t you go inside and say goodbye to your father?”

I nodded without looking at him and after wiping the single tear that had dropped from my eye I silently headed inside my father’s candle-lit bedchamber.

His hatred for corruption, greed and immorality had made him an enemy among the royal court which consisted of men who engaged in all three acts regularly.

If suddenly wished Julian was here now to comfort me.

For months now I had attempted to emotionally prepare myself for this day, the day that my last surviving relative would die, the day that I would become a complete orphan, the day I would be left absolutely alone surrounded by my father’s foes...but no amount of preparation could brace me for the indescribable grief and pain that I was now feeling.

Every step I took, the darker the candle-lit room became. The more closer I got to him, the weaker my heart became. I wanted to scream and cry to my heart’s content, until no more tears would fall, until the agony would subside but I couldn’t. Every tear I let escape would only satisfy my father’s enemies further.

He looked paler than he had ever done before.

Yet the memories left as quickly as they had entered and as I watched the healer pull up the white sheet of cloth over my father’s dead body, I left the chamber silently without looking back.

Thank you, I'll look into that!

Even though I liked it, I have some things that troubled me: I felt as though I were thrown too quickly into the plot and didn't have enough time to be introduced. Another thing was in the first paragraph, I thought a couple of commas were missing. The part where she says goodbye to her father is just on the brink of being creepy but is pulled back enough to be flawlessly dramatic. Overall, just try to get us introduced first and this should be a quite marvelous story. Please write more! I hope I helped.

Hey! I shall start with a quick line by line and then give you some general advice

Of Loss and Love: chapter one

“I’m sorry, Princess.”

I looked away from the healer immediately and the tear that I had felt coming for the past hour finally fell onto my cheek. I closed my eyes hoping that I could magically disappear from this place that was supposedly my home but I knew that no matter how hard I dreamed it would never happen. I would open my eyes and then be taken to see my father’s body before preparations were made for his burial. My uncle would pretend to be saddened by the news of the death of his eldest brother, attempt to comfort me and then press on to publicly declare himself as the new King of Asinya. After that I did not know for how many more days I would remain in the castle. My uncle, who had always had a personal vendetta against my father, would most probably get me married off in a few days to some unknown prince from a land as far away from this kingdom as possible so that he, his wife and his own daughter could have my father’s wealth all for themselves.

As much as i read and write i don't find myself ever liking this type of writing but i this cause i thought this was wonderful. everything flowed smoothly i love it. i really did. you were descriptive and everything only problem is you left my hanging i want to read more

Thanks so much, I was starting to think no one was going to review! I'll be sure to send you the next part, I'm planning a lot of drama!

This was very interesting. It has been a long time since I've seen one of these stories about princesses and what not. The writing flowed, it matched the era, and you did have one typeo, presience was meant to be presence, right? Grammar was good, your MC's thoughts were clear and we [the readers] got a taste of her personality and a glimpse at the situation she is forced to face. Very good. It's rather short, but I really did like it. Please Pm me the next part!
Ofir