Young Writers Society

Love is a friend, a fire, a heaven, a hell, where pleasure, pain, and sad repentance dwell

[Richard Barnfield]

The following day I entered the library and silently contemplated over the possible reasons why I had been summoned here. The slim, gray haired man that was my uncle, sat in a large arm chair behind a thick oak desk, quill in hand, with Lord Sébastian standing over his shoulder passing over scrolls to sign.

“Ah, Rosaline! Please, sit,” said Uncle Maurice without looking up at me. “I shall be with you in a moment.”

I took the seat opposite his and looked around the circular, two levelled library as if trying to recall a distant memory.

Everything within the chamber seemed to have lost its beauty since my uncle’s reign. The shelves that had once brimmed with priceless ancient texts dating back to the creation of Asinya, were now replaced with white leather bound reformist material. The enormous wooden floor globe that had once stood so proudly at the centre of the chamber was now covered in a thick layer of dust. The intricately designed fireplace carved with mermaids, baby cherubs, unicorns and other fantastical creatures no longer carried paintings of my forefathers on its mantle, instead, it lay bare, almost lifeless under a large oil painting of my uncle and aunt.

Several seconds of silence passed, broken only by the occasional scratching of quill to parchment until Lord Sébastian briskly collected the signed papers and gave me a smug smile before leaving.

“THE EARL OF SELTSHIRE AND HIS GRACE THE DUKE OF ODIN!”

With a look of confusion, I turned and watched the two members of King Frederick’s Privy Council enter the library. The taller of the two was Sir Edward Francis, Earl of Seltshire and King Frederick’s new brother-in-law, in his hands he carried a large ornate golden chest rimmed with pearls. The other was a man who I recognised to be Cedric Brereton, Duke of Odin. In his hands he carried a rolled up piece of parchment. Both bowed to the direction of my uncle before lowering their heads towards me.

“Lady Rosaline,” smiled Sir Edward. “May I present you with this gift...”

I looked over at Uncle Maurice in confusion as Sir Edward settled the golden chest onto the desk.

“Well...aren’t you going to open it?” Uncle Maurice asked.

Still puzzled, I opened the lid of the chest. There, upon a piece of smooth crimson velvet, lay the most exquisite diamond and ruby necklace I had ever seen.

“It’s beautiful,” I said, running my fingers across the sparkling jewels. “But, who sent this?”

“It is a gift from His Majesty King Frederick,” said Sir Edward.

I felt my heart sink to the depths of my stomach. “But, I don’t understand. I gave him no such cause.”

Sir Edward glanced over at Uncle Maurice briefly before continuing. “Lady Rosaline, we have been sent by His Majesty to offer you his hand in marriage.”

Panic and fear hit me like a spear in the heart. I felt as though I could no longer breathe...

“Do you hear that, Rose?” chuckled Uncle Maurice, heartily. “It seems that Frederick has fallen in love with you!”

“What?” I gasped, faintly. “But...but why, Uncle?”

Uncle Maurice flinched slightly before calmly facing Sir Edward and the Duke of Odin. “Please excuse me...” he smiled, before ushering me through the second room of the library, making sure to close the doors behind him.

“Rose, why are you making such a fuss?” he asked irritably.

“Uncle, I don’t understand-”

“What is there to understand? King Frederick has expressed his desire to take another wife, and after yesterdays banquet he has decided that he desires you above all other women in the dominion to be that next wife.”

Uncle Maurice appeared oblivious to the agony appearing on my face as he unflinchingly continued. “Now, what will happen is you will accept the proposal, after which the matter shall be discussed by both our Privy Councillors so as to address any objections,” his thoughts drifted slightly as he continued. “I am sure some from among Frederick’s council will – regretfully - express their opposition to such an alliance...but others more supportive of my succession - namely King Frederick's advisor, Lord Wotton and his sect of like-minded reformists will be more than happy to give their consent to this matrimony. Then, if all goes well, as I predict it will, you shall marry the king of Genevere by the end of this month.”

I felt my entire body begin to shake in anger. “And I have no say in any of this?”

“Of course not!” the lack of emotion in his tone of voice made tears swell up in my eyes. “What did you honestly expect me to do, ask for your permission? Before your father died he made me promise that I would keep you happy-”

“- you think that by marrying King Frederick I shall be happy?” I asked, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

“Of course, Rose! Frederick is one of the wealthiest and most powerful kings in the entire Eastern Realm! He will settle upon you a handsome yearly allowance, you will be given the title of queen, your children shall inherit an entire Kingdom-”

“-I do not care for riches and the title of queen!”

“Don’t be silly, Rosaline,” smiled Uncle Maurice as though I were a child that had just been caught lying. “What girl does not dream of one day becoming a queen?”

“A GIRL LIKE ME!” I shouted, not caring that members of King Frederick’s court were standing just outside the room. “Uncle, please...I implore you...if you truly care for my happiness then you will allow me to live a simple and uncomplicated life with a simple and uncomplicated marriage-”

“Marriage to King Frederick will be simple...”

“NO IT WILL NOT, UNCLE!” I protested desperately. “Marriage to a man like King Frederick will only bring with it loneliness and suffering. We have nothing in common! He hasn’t fallen in love with me, he barely even knows me!”

“He does not require to know you, time will settle that, for now – since his daughters have been declared unfit to rule - he needs an heir to the throne and you, my dear, will be the one to provide him with one -”

“AND WHAT IF I CAN’T?” I yelled. “What will he do with me then, replace me like he has replaced his first wife? Is that what you want for me, Uncle, to face the pain that Queen Renata must now face? Please uncle; I’ve barely had time to mourn my dead father-”

Uncle Maurice calmly clasped his fingers together and stared back at me emotionlessly. “Rose, whether you like it or not, you will have to do as I say.”

“Uncle, I can’t...” I said faintly, bursting into tears. “I beg you...”

“You must!” flinched Uncle Maurice, “for this issue is not just about you or Frederick. It is also about the future of my son...”

“Julian?” I repeated, hurriedly wiping the tears from my face. “What has he to do with all this?”

“King Frederick has assured me that his current alliance with the Venan Islands’ royal family means that he will almost definitely be able to negotiate Julian’s early release from prison.”

“You mean he can finally come home?”

“Yes, once you accept King Frederick’s proposal, he has promised to work on Julian’s immediate release.”

I sunk down into the chair beside me and felt my heart sink. Growing up, Julian had been like the brother that I had never had. He was nothing like the rest of his family and had always treated me as though I were his own sister, standing up for me when no one else would or could, even if that meant disobeying his own parents in the process. I would do anything to repay his generosity, but marrying a man that treated women as though they were his playthings? How could I possibly go through with it?

“I have nothing more to say to you on the matter except that after you formally accept the proposal I shall be announcing the news of the marriage to court later in the evening. Also, I will make immediate arrangements for you to stay at your mother's residence at Emure Court for the remainder of the month until the wedding. Seeing as you will become a bride-to-be and you no longer are the Princess of this kingdom, your chambers will be prepared for my daughter Isabel.”

“W-what about Nan?” I asked, my voice trembling slightly. “Will she...can she come with me?”

“No. As of today the Lady Odette will no longer be serving you...”

“But-”

“You will now go back to the Earl and Duke and accept the proposal.”



Tears ran down my cheeks as I walked through the deserted outdoor corridors leading up to my quarters.

I stopped for a moment to look around the castle gardens up ahead and could just about make out the largest water fountain of all surrounded by neat green hedges and beds of roses where Julian and I would come during the summer. Together we would venture out into the river bank and feed the swans, catch frogs, and persuade our private tutors to do our day’s lessons by the bank. Further away from the fountain and river were the training grounds where Julian and I would ride our horses together and race one another. I remembered how he would always let me win, even though it would anger his father, all to keep me happy.

Those memories seemed like a lifetime away and recalling them made me realise that what I was doing was right. And so, with a heavy heart, I continued to walk down the corridors towards my quarters, the words of my father ringing in my ears.

I have made limitless sacrifices for the welfare of my family and when I am gone I hope one day you will do the same.

I had to marry King Frederick; for the sake of my cousin and the future of my father's kingdom...it had to be done...

................................................

links to other chapters

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53716.html (chapter 1)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53746.html (chapter 2)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53888.html (chapter 4)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post616970.html (chapter 5)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54589.html (chapter 6)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic55095.html (chapter 7)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post644335.html (chapter 8.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post652505.html (chapter 9.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic59246.html (chapter 10.

I love it. There was a little too much dialoge, should be replaced with descriptions or filled with pauses, but I think I understand Rose better now.
One thing that bothered me, how come we never heard of her cousin before? When you're as close to someone, when you're forced to face a situation of which you're scared of, you immideiatly turn to your closest, and say "oh, I wish this and that was here, he would've known what to do!" and the likes.
You wrote "shocked." I think it should be replaced with descriptions, as in, instead of telling us, show us. Fiddling with her hands, brushing back her hair frantically. Stuff like that.
Okay, aside from the descriptions, which really did bother me, this was awesome.
You might want to reconsider Uncle's character. For one, we don't know his name, and, for a moment there, it seemed like he actually cared. So he's not evil, because he cares for his family...? I'm confused. They have a blood connection, after all, which you show by his concern. He shouldn't even be bothered by it if he was completely evil. He has full power over her, in Rose's mind, and nothing will help that - either she's right, or she's wallowing in self pitty. If he did not care, he would not have even pretended to smile and phrase it proparly. This means, if Rose cries out that she's being miss treated, something bad would happen to him. Or he cares. My, I'm repeating my point a lot today, aren't I? Choose sides, all in all.Okay! I thjnk this covers it. It is not too cliche now, in my mind - well done! As I said, I love it. Keep writing!!!
If you have any questions, please PM me. Also, next chapter's a given, right?
Ofir

of course

I think this is short enough for another line-by-line, so here we go!

*coco wrote:“Rose...” You could experiment with a few different chapter openings. Dialogue only goes so far.

I entered the library to see the slim and gray haired man that was my uncle sitting behind his desk, fingers clasped together and a look of worry Awkward, and plus, with the character you've built up around the uncle, why is he worried? on his face. After I gave him a small curtsy he signalled for me to take the chair opposite him.

“You left last night’s feast quite early...” he began, his eyes looking straight at me. Where else would they look?

“Forgive mefull stop. I was tired,” I replied. It was half true.

“Wellcomma King Frederick was quite disappointed. He had hoped for you to be present the moment he would ask me for your hand in marriage.”

“What?” I gaspedcomma my voice barely a whisper. You implied in the last chapter that Rose knew this was coming. Why is she so shocked?

“You heard me correctly,” said Uncle Midas. “It seems that King Frederick has fallen in love with you.”

“We shared one dance together, uncle.”

“And that dance was clearly enough to persuade him. I have already discussed the matter with the gentlemen of the Privy Council and we have decided that you shall both be married by the end of this month.” The dialogue's pretty good, so far.

“What?” I stood up from my seat, unable to control myself. I felt my entire body shaking both in anger and fear. “You mean the matter has already been settled?”

“Of course it has,” said my uncle. The lack of emotion in his tone of voice made tears swell up in my eyes. “Did you think I had called you here to ask for your permission?

Speech marks"Your father made me promise before he died that I would keep you happy-”

“-and you think that by marrying King Frederick I shall be happy?” I demanded, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

“Of course you will. Frederick is a king. He will shower you with riches, you will be given the title of queen, and your children shall inherit an entire kingdom...”

“I do not care for riches and the title of queen!”

“Don’t be silly, Rose, what woman does not dream of some day becoming queen?”

“A woman like me!” I shouted, not caring at this point that my uncle was now a king. “If you really care for my happiness then you will allow me to live a simple and uncomplicated life with a simple and uncomplicated marriage.”

“Marriage to king Frederick will bring both those qualities...”

“No it will not, uncle! Marriage to a man like king Frederick will only bring loneliness and suffering. He has not fallen in love with me, he barely even knows me! All he see’s in me is another young woman who may be able to provide him with an heir to his throne-”

“Which you will!” yelled Uncle Midas.

“And what if I cannot?” I yelled back. “What will he do with me then? Replace me like he has replaced his present wife? I have seen that woman, uncle, and I assure you her sorrows are so numerous in number that it shocks me that she has not yet decided to take her own life. Is that what you want for me, to face the pain that she has faced at the hands of king Frederick? I have suffered too much already. I have barely even had time to mourn my dead father-” It was going so well, until the "suffering" comment. We're left with that bitter feeling of self-pity again, which doesn't bode well for gaining sympathy. Just cut it and transition it into the sentence about her father.

“Oh, you’re not still gnawing away at that bone are you, the matter has already been settled, Rose!” I think this is a bit too heartless, even for the uncle. Cut the "gnawing away at that bone" comment - that sentence is a comma splice anyway - and go straight into the matter being settled. Though I would rephrase that, as it seems you're repeating yourself.

“Unclecomma I cannot...” I said, bursting into tears. “I beg you...”

“You must,” said Uncle Midas, now calmly, “for this issue is not just about you or Frederick. It is about Julian also...”

“Julian?” I repeated, hurriedly wiping the tears from my face. “What has he to do with all this?”

“King Frederick has assured me that his current connection to the Venan Islands’ royal family means that he will almost definitely be able to negotiate the early release of Julian from prison.”

“What?” I asked with a hand over my mouth in shock. “Do you mean to say Julian can come home?”

“Yes,” my uncle replied. “Since I have accepted King Frederick’s proposal, he is working on my son’s release as we speak.”

I sunk back down into the chair and felt my heart falling to the depths of my stomach. I was just twelve when I had heard news that Julian had been imprisoned. I still remember crying myself to sleep that night, wondering in what condition he must be in, how scared he must feel and whether I would ever see him again. Growing up my cousin Julian was like the brother and companion that I had never had. He was nothing like the rest of his family and always treated me as though I were his own little sister, standing up for me when no one else would, even if that meant disobeying his own parents. I would do anything to repay his generosity but marrying a man that treated women as though they were his playthings? Could I go really through with it? Ah, I like this. However, I think you shouldn't have explained Julian so early, as I thought in the first chapter. The intrigue of her ties to him would keep us going, but dumping all this on us is odd. Plus, he's her cousin, right? Try not to make it sound quite so much as if she's in love with him, because even if this is set when people did marry cousins, it's odd. Especially considering that it was made quite obvious when she met Tristan as to what would happen there.

“I have nothing more to discuss with you except that I shall be announcing the news of the marriage to court this evening and that I prefer you to stay at your mother’s manor house for the remainder of the month until your wedding. Your carriage shall arrive after breakfast to take you there. You may leave...” Why ellipses here? Cut.

I stood up and curtsied before exiting the study. Be careful with the verbs "enter" and "exit". They're the sort of thing you find at an airport, not in a piece of writing. As I walked through the courtyard leading up to my quarters I stopped for a moment to look around the palace gardens. The lake in front of me surrounded by neat bright green hedges was where I would come with Julian during the days when my father was busy or away on business and together we would feed the swans and persuade our private tutors to do our lessons by the lake. Run-on. I'd cut that in two. While I would be out in the fields for my riding lessons, Julian would be practising his sword fighting skills on the steps of the palace gardens, cheering me on to keep me motivated whenever I did something wrong.

As the memories piled up inside me one after another my situation seemed to become all the more satisfying. I turned and continued to walk through the courtyard towards my quarters and suddenly the words of my blessed father began to ring in my ears.
I have made limitless sacrifices for the welfare of my family and when I am gone I hope one daycomma you will do the same for your family.
Those words are kind of awkward, with the repetition of family. I think you should cut the last few words, from "for" onwards. You think?

I'm feeling a bit closer to Rose in this chapter, as ofir said. In fact, I agree with most of that review, including the part about her uncle needing to choose a side - his evilness, so profound in the first two chapters, wavers here. Now, that's no issue, because nobody is completely evil. A character will always have some sort of weakness. In a good character, it will be a flaw like selfishness or pride, but in a bad one, it will be a sort of vulnerability or (usually) blindness to love and so on. In this case, the uncle's flaw seems to be "niceness", which is just weird. Define a flaw, or confine him to the realms of the fictional pure evil.

The descriptions, also, still need work. I mentioned in my first review that you need to work on sensual description, instead of relying on sight so much. Your wording doesn't provoke any images. With this sort of formality going on, even in dialogue, you can afford some really fancy similes, so go for it.

The only thing I disagree with is the call for some more mentions of Julian. Well, I don't disagree that he should be mentioned more, but I don't think he should be explained. It would add some more mystery to this, for the first few chapters, because at the moment, there isn't much to keep us hanging on for more.

This is improving, though, chapter by chapter. I think your dialogue is pretty good, if a little overly formal, but it does show us more about the characters than you ever do in prose. So well done, and keep writing.

Thank you!

I entered the library to see the slim and gray haired man that was my uncle sitting behind his desk, fingers clasped together and a look of worry on his face. After I gave him a small curtsy he signalled for me to take the chair opposite him.

[I wonder how she feels about giving the curtsy, it might be good to have an extra bit of description here or a short insight into her thoughts.]

“No it will not, uncle! Marriage to a man like king Frederick will only bring loneliness and suffering. He has not fallen in love with me, he barely even knows me! All he see’s sees in me is another young woman who may be able to provide him with an heir to his throne-”

I don't have much else to add except to agree with what the others have said, it's all very well to develop a character more deeply but you have to do it more gradually, maybe go back over the earlier chapters to give the uncle more humanity as he seems to have here. And try to keep him realistic. He changes from trying to bring her softly to the news to some very harsh statements to trying to defend his reasonings all with very little change of tone or action. If you're going to show a range of emotion, show it. Show him standing, slamming his fist down at a particular statement, maybe just raising a brow if he's not such a passionate man or closing his eyes and then opening them again.

You've done some good development on Rose, she feels more real now but work on your settings a little. Your novel takes place in throne rooms and the like so describe the glamour and beauty, I'd love to be able to imagine these rooms. Describe odd, personal little details like what objects might there be? Is there perhaps a chair that has particular meaning, that was bought at a particular event or by a certain person? Maybe something in the room that reminds her of her cousin, that would be interesting, what memories might it provoke?

Well see you around again soon, I'll take a look at the next part tomorrow if I can xx

Thank you! I've made some improvements

Hi Coco, Pink here.
Another review!

First of all, I think you jumped from the ball to this conversation a bit fast. I was actually looking forward to a 'conversation' between the two characters at the celebration. It would have been a good introduction to your Frederick character, we would've had a chance to get to know him a little.
I loved how she has to marry Frederick because she wants to save Julian. It's bittersweet and yet it's a classic bait. Sacrifice.
Alright, there wasn't much I could nitpick on but I thought it was a very interesting chapter, just a bit predictable.
On to the next chapter!

~Pink

I agree with Pink that this is predictable. I knew exactly what was going to happen an entire chapter before! I really hope a huge twist is coming!

Hey Coco! I'm so sorry that I didn't review all of these; I thought that I had but obviously not.

Well, I'm pretty sure that everyone has got all of the important nitpicks, so I'll just say one thing that I picked out.

Predictability. I have a feeling, and don't get me wrong here, that this story could end up going the way that many princess stories do go. I have to admit that I'm a sucker for romantic stories so this doesn't bother me much at the moment but I'll move onto the next chapters and see if it's something you need to address later on. For the moment it's not a big problem because this is the way that many stories like this work the best, but I do hope (as others have before me) that there will be some sort of twist here.

But I do think that this is an improvement on the other two chapters. I thoroughly enjoyed them and I think that your story is just going to get better and better as I read on. It's sad at the moment, and despite the slight predictability I do want to know what happens! So I hope that your other chapters carry on the good story that you've started here!

Onto the next chapter!

~Amy

Hey *coco. I am here to review and for good this hasn't taken me as long as I took after posting the first chapter's review.

Line-by-line Review:

The slim, gray haired man that was my uncle, sat in a large arm chair behind a thick oak desk, quill in hand, with his advisor Lord Sébastian standing over his shoulder passing over scrolls to sign.

I think as I am back a way too early after posting the last review and you haven't got time to chop the 'advisor' word, but I just wanted to tell you. So, just take care of it.

With a look of confusion, I turned and watched the two members of King Frederick’s Privy Councillors enter the library.

I think the word here should be Council, not Councillors.

I felt the hairs on my arm stand on end. “But, I don’t understand. I gave him no such cause.”

So *coco, I think that whenever the King Frederick comes in front of her or is mentioned you tend to use the same expression i.e. 'the hair on my back/neck stood.' Although I love this expression a lot and it can explain a lot of things, repetition is one thing that surely shows the immaturity of a writer and except for this you're a brilliant writer, and just avoid this. try to eb more creative which you already are.

Panic and fear hit me like a spear in the heart.

See that's what I am talking about. I liked this description and often you should include this kind of imagery. I love these kind of lines.

“Uncle, I don’t understand...”

I don't know whether she stopped purposely or she was stopped by her uncle. And if the latter is the case then I suggest you to put a hyphen here, as the dialog cut short have an hyphen to mark that there was an interruption.

“Don’t be silly, Rosaline,” smiled Uncle Maurice as though I were a child that had just been caught lying. “What girl does not dream of one day becoming a queen?”

The usage of the red word was a bit odd for me. I think it should be either replaced by 'which' or you should be writing: What type of girl...

Overall Review:

Well, what can I say that isn't much different to what I said for chapter one and two? So first of all I love the way you write, and especially the beautiful descriptions you have in there. It's been a long time since last I read a Middle Ages romance, and have only got to watch the movies. And as I have mentioned before I love them. The royal families are the most exciting thing for me to read and I really love the way they love, which no matter seems impossible in today's world.

Now I forgot yesterday but I wanted to comment on your title. This title, I don't know why excites me a lot and this is the most appropriate title you could have given to this story. The moment I read it, I want to read the next chapter.

I feel that I am reading an already published book and when it really is, I won't mind even a bit to buy it and store it in my priceless collections. The length of each chapter is pretty solid and the way it should be. I personally don't like long chapters much and feel that a chapter should always end with something mysterious or thrilling or anything which makes the reader unable to stop himself from reading the other chapters and I think that's exactly the case here.

Well, I am really thrilled or excited to see who's the main lead in the romance even though I have a hint. And also I am very much intrigued; would she or would she not end up marrying a prince or she would find something or rather someone to protect her?

Now, I really don't have much to say except for the fact that I think that whenever King Frederick is the topic, Rose mostly has the same emotion here. I have told you exactly what I mean and replacing it with some other kind of imagery won't be a bad idea at all. So go for it, girl!

Keep Writing and I would be soon back for the next chapter. Maybe today tiself.

~Shubhi

Heya! May I ask: how many more chapters do you have left to post?

*coco wrote:The next day I entered the library and silently contemplated over the possible reasons why I had been summoned here. was summoned to the library. The slim, gray haired man, that was my uncle, sat in a large arm chair behind a thick oak desk, quill in hand, with Lord Sébastian standing over his shoulder passing over scrolls to sign.

This whole part is a bit...weird. I feel that the length and all the words in the first sentence is a unneeded. We don't need to know all of the info you give us, and I feel that it's too much.

*coco wrote:The intricately designed fireplace carved with mermaids, baby cherubs, unicorns and other fantastical creatures no longer carried paintings of my forefathers on its mantle , instead, it but instead lay bare, almost lifeless, under a large oil painting of my uncle and aunt.

*coco wrote:“THE EARL OF SELTSHIRE AND HIS GRACE THE DUKE OF ODIN!”

Who says this? And why must they shout, haha? It's a library, for goodness sakes. xD

*coco wrote:he smiled before ushering me through the second room of the library, making sure to close the doors behind him.

*coco wrote:I had to marry King Frederick; for the sake of my cousin and the future of my father's kingdom...it had to be done...

This is my favorite chapter so far! You did a great job with the emotion in here. I'm loving Rosaline's character more and more; you've developed her fairly well.

Hope I helped!

~KD