Young Writers Society

Love is a friend, a fire, a heaven, a hell, where pleasure, pain, and sad repentance dwell

[Richard Barnfield]

I lashed out at a nearby side table in fury. The sounds of laughter and music coming from the banquet hall reached my ears, but I was unable to blink or move. My entire body was shaking and tears ran down my cheeks as I recalled the last conversation that I had had with my uncle.

A simple marriage I had told him, uncomplicated, and this hell was what he had given me.

“Madam,” said Lady Millicent softly, “the Duke of Unis is here to see you.”

I quickly wiped away my tears and turned away from the window just in time to see Tristan enter my chambers.

“You may leave,” I told Lady Millicent.

She immediately curtseyed and left the room.

Tristan awkwardly cleared his throat. “His majesty had called you to his study. Why did you not come?”

I said nothing.

“He asks that you now join him down at the banquet,” he continued.

“I will not.”

Tristan looked back at me, his eyebrows slightly raised. “But, My Lady, he’s the King!”

“And I am a human being!” I shouted, my voice shaking. “I can only take so much! Since my arrival here I have been confined to my chambers like some sort of animal in a cage, constantly looked down upon, ignored by my own husband who now threatens to replace me, all because I have not yet given him an heir! Do you have any idea what that feels like?”

Tristan stared at me for several seconds in shock. “H-how did you know?” he finally asked, with a look of utmost concern.

I did not answer him.

Tristan sighed heavily. “Rose...believe me, I know how difficult this must be for you-”

“Oh, do you?” I interrupted, giving a dry laugh.

“Yes,” he continued. “Two years ago, my younger sister, Evangeline, was married to King Seamus of Balvar. He too needed to provide his Kingdom with a legitimate heir to the throne, and so he pressured my sister for one. A year later, Evangeline died in child birth, and so did the son she had been carrying.”

I did not know what to say. He too had lost family...

“Please do not make the mistake of thinking that I don’t know what you’re going through, because I do.” he slowly moved closer to me, until only an inch separated us. “And it kills me to see that just as I was unable to assist my sister, I’m unable to assist you.”

For a while there was silence in the chamber, only to be interrupted by the occasional crackling coming from the fireplace. Tristan looked at me with great intensity, and so did I, momentarily losing myself in his warm and kind green eyes. I felt my heart race inside, my stomach tingle, and my intake of breath becoming quicker and shorter...

Then he slowly inclining his head forwards, until I could smell the musk on his clothes, until I could feel the warmth of his breath on my skin, and I found that, try as I might, I could not move away. I closed my eyes as his soft lips met mine and as the kiss we began to share grew deeper, I began to realise that I did not wish it to stop. In those sweet blissful moments I finally realised the meaning of passion, the meaning of true love...

Then reality hit me like a dagger to the heart and I quickly pulled away, a single tear trickling down my cheek as I realised what I had just let happen.

I placed a hand over my mouth in shock. “Wh-what have I done..?”

Tristan looked absolutely devastated, but before he could do or say anything else, there came a loud knock at the door.

“Come in...” I managed to say, my voice shaking slightly in fear as I quickly turned away from Tristan.

Lord Wotton strolled inside my chambers and my heart began to race once more. I desperately tried to compose myself before turning to face him, watching anxiously as he bowed respectfully towards me before his eyes moved to Tristan, his mouth curving into the same conniving grin that I had seen on him just a few nights ago. "Your Grace, surely it does not take one fifteen minutes to give Lady Rose a simple message from the King?”

There seemed to be quite a knowing look in his eyes as he asked the question. I felt sick. Surely he couldn’t know...

I watched anxiously as he took one step closer to Tristan. “Why don’t you head back down to the banquet? The King has once again asked that I now handle it from here.”

Tristan’s body tensed and his lip curled in anger. He stared at Lord Wotton with eyes full of rage before he too took a step closer.

“I tell you this here and now, Wotton,” he said quietly, projecting every word with deep venom. “Do not mistake my silence for cowardice. You may enjoy His Majesty’s trust for now, but I know your true intentions, and I promise you that I won’t rest until your head is put on a platter and fed to the dogs.”

The smug expression on Lord Wotton’s face instantly disappeared and Tristan gave me one brief guilty glance before walking out of my chambers.



I had been feeling incredibly sick throughout the morning and it was with great difficulty that I ate my meals and went about my daily duties. It had been several days since the incident with Tristan and no matter how much I tried to avoid him, the memory of what had happened between us continued to haunt me. In a single moment of passion and weakness I had committed a grave sin, an act of treason, and remembering the punishment for it made my stomach turn.

My every day passed in fear and panic. To make matters worse, despite the fact that Frederick had began to regularly visit my bedchambers again, to his utter frustration I was still not yet with child, causing his anger towards me to reach epic proportions.

At court that night I could not help but notice the amount of whispering going on all around me. Maids of the court gathered together in small circles exchanging whispers with one another while glancing back at me occasionally before continuing again. Seeing them made my neck burn. I turned to face Lady Millicent who looked on at the scenes with absolute disgust.

“What are they all whispering about?” I asked her.

Lady Millicent struggled for several seconds and avoided any eye contact. “Oh, my Lady, it’s n-nothing, really...”

I looked at her desperately. “You are the closest companion I have here, Lady Millicent, I beg you, please tell me.”

She looked up at me suddenly, touched by what I had said, before fidgeting with the hem of her dress and nervously saying, “There are r-rumours that...His Majesty has recently taken to seeking solace in a-”

“In a what...?” I could hear blood pounding in my ears.

“In a...mistress...”

“What?” I breathed, in disbelief.

In an instant the whispering around me seemed to grow louder and more sinister. Lady Millicent attempted to comfort me but I could not hear her words, nor could I feel her hand on my shoulder. All I could hear was the sound of my own heavy breath.

I immediately stood from my seat and charged out of the Great Hall, past the prying eyes of the court members, my heart pounding inside my chest as I emerged out into the hallway. Tristan, who had been standing guard beside the doors to the hall, immediately ran after me upon seeing me ascend the staircase.

“Rose,” he said, attempting to catch up with me, “Stop!”

I ignored him and carried on walking up the stairs. I suddenly felt his hand grab my wrist. I turned to face him with a look of outrage.

“I’m sorry,” he said, immediately letting go.

I ignored his apology and continued to advance ahead before reaching the first floor landing. I had no idea what I was doing; all I knew was that I needed to see Frederick immediately.

My entire body began to shake as I headed towards his private quarters. Halfway there, Tristan advanced forwards and came in front of me, stopping me dead in my tracks.

“Get out of my way,” I said, my voice shaking along with my body.

“I...I can’t,” he said.

“Why not?” I demanded.

My heart sank to the depths of my stomach as the answer soon appeared before me. In disbelief I watched as a ginger haired palace maid suddenly stumbled out of Frederick’s chambers. She was half-dressed and bore a look of absolute horror on her face as she saw me, her eyes full of guilt and mine full of pain. I watched her run away yet still I refused to believe. I thought my eyes had deceived me, that I was dreaming, but the look upon Tristan’s face soon made me come to my senses. My entire body felt numb and the last thing I felt was a hot tear slowly trickle down my cheek before everything went dark.

.................

links to other chapters

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53716.html (chapter 1)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53746.html (chapter 2)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53800.html (chapter 3)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53888.html (chapter 4)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54024.html (chapter 5)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54589.html (chapter 6)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post644335.html (chapter 8.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post652505.html (chapter 9.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic59246.html (chapter 10.

Ah no! What a jerk! I hate Frederick! How very much like a man to assume it is the woman's fault that they cannot conceive. It is HIS fault, I'm sure! But . . . How did he end up with three girls...They weren't his? Humm...

Coco, I love this story and I found nothing at all to nitpick! Hurray! Next chapter, please!!

Tanya

This is a very good story. I like it a lot. I especially like the way in which you write the dialouge very fitting to the era the story takes place. Happy writting.
-Tapatia

Wow, very nice. I especially liked this chapter. It seems like you're finally starting to blend more peronality and a pinch of drama into the story. I only wish that the chapter hadn't ended so soon.

I have quite a few questions:
Will Tristan comfort her in her time of need?
Will she get back at Frederick, by doing something with Tristan?
What will happen next?
And or course,When will the next chapter be posted???!!!

keep Writing
*Mo*

So, you are bordering on cliche. I have read all of this once or twice before! I wish you would add some surprise twist. I think I know what's going to happen and that makes me sad. But, I will not jump to conclusions, and I trust you as a writer.
You asked me to read all of them, and I did.
Well, I think I really like Rose, though her character is still not fully alive to me. I would like to know more about her relationship with her cousin! Please tell me that is coming. And, I was also confused with that man who comes and tells her to befriend some man of the court. I don't know who he is, and it seemed really out of place to put him in there. I know you need him for some big part in the story, I just wish you would have introduced him in a more spectacular way.
I also think that instead of jumping to the fun stuff, like I said before, you need to describe more things. I think I have a picture of her husband, but I don't know who Tristan is or what he looks like. I do like him, though. He seems like a cute and loving guy, and I think you are going to try and set him up with Rose? Hmm...
All around I really like this, and I am going to continue reading!
~Classy

Hey *Coco.
I've finished reading all of your chapters and I've got to say, I've heard some this before. It sounds a little bit like "The Duchess" (If you have seen the movie).
I really like the plot, the setting and the characters but the one thing that bugs me is the length of your chapters and also the detail that you put into them. Somethings you explain quite well but in other important areas, you struggle.
For example, some of these characters, have a very little description to them and thus us readers forget who they are.
This is a problem because when you suddenly make that character appear later on in the story, we have no recognition to who that is.
Also, I knew exactly what was going to happen before it even did. As Classy said, add some more twist to your storyline. You have created a very promising plot and play around with it a little. Brainstorm, don't be afraid to kill off some characters and have them do crazy things, but explain the reason behind the actions of course. Take a leap, and alter a few things. Surprise us.
All in all, what I've read so far was quite intriguing and I do love the way you write Rose's emotions and all. I will continue to read your chapters because I want to see what you come up with next.
Keep writing!

~Pink

Hey Coco! Last chapter, I hope that my reviews have been helpful!

I have to agree with Pink here, I was totally reminded of The Duchess with this part. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing; I watched the movie yesterday and loved it so that might just be the reason. However, the problem is that it does seem to be going the way that you'd expect it to go. As I have said before, this can easily be turned around and become a good thing, but I really want to see you pull something totally interesting out of the bag and make this something that will completely capture someone's interest.

I also felt like I couldn't quite connect with Rose in this chapter. In the recent ones I was starting to empathise with her, but now it all feels a bit lost and rushed. My advice would be to take your time here. There isn't any rush at all, you know! I don't think that you should take ages over it, that just bores the reader, but in some places (especially when she sees the maid) I think that you should take a little more time to really get in deep with Rose's emotions. Throw in a couple of well placed similies and make the reader feel.

That's all for now, but I'm glad that I'm up to date on the story and I will carry on reviewing when you add more!

Hope this helped!

~Amy

Hello Coco, I'm here as requested! (Sorry for the delay) Well let's get right to it then.

Plot

This story has great potential. You are bordering on cliche a bit, and it could use a little unique flair. Throwing in a good twist or perhaps just changing up a few things to make them different.

The small twists in plot you already have in these first few chapters are good, I admire them. The fact that Rose felt obligated to marry Frederick because it would also free her beloved cousin was fantastic. Keep it up, but remember to avoid the cliche.

Characters

I feel like several of your characters could use a bit more fleshing out. For the seventh chapter, they still don't feel incredibly real. Give them more personality, quirks, likes, dislikes, etc. When they are real to you, they will be easier to make real to the reader.

Also, some of your characters are closing in on cliche. Especially Rose's uncle. Every kings younger brother despises his older brother because he has the throne. I'm not saying you should take this away, but make it different. Maybe the younger brother would actually make a far better king, I don't know...but I'm confident you can think of something.

I really like Frederick. His character appeared as the typical bad guy womanizer who just wants as many women as he can get, but then you gave the reader a reason to pity him. He desperately wants a son to be his heir and that is what gives him motivation for taking all these women to bed. He could also use a little more fleshing out, but kudos on him.

Tristan. I like Tristan, but he confuses me. I was under the impression he was a part of Rose's father's court, but then he was a part of Fredericks court. Either I just missed something, or that needs to be cleared up. Also, his relationship with Rose goes drastically from distant to close. They should ease more into their relationship, especially because she is Queen and married to Frederick.

Setting

You mention all sorts of countries, castles, gardens, manors, and other places but I have only a very small idea of how they actually look. What makes them different? How do they affect the people that live in them? When you go about giving a feeling of a setting, it's not all about how things look (though that is a very big part). You should include how they make people feel, how they smell, is there something that makes a distinguishable sound? Things like that. It will give your story a much greater 3-dimensionality.

Well, that's about all I have to say. You seem to have a good handle on the grammer part of things. Keep writing, I'm excited to see what you come out with next. Let me know when more is up and I'll be happy to take a look at it.

-Lauren

I hate how he is using another girl who is innocent and frightened It's so Stupid!!!

Hey there *coco. I am back yet again.

A simple marriage I had told him, uncomplicated, and this hell was what he had given me.

Shubhi likes it!

“And I am a human being!” I shouted, my voice shaking.

Shubhi likes it again!

In those sweet blissful moments, I finally realised the meaning of passion, the meaning of true love...

I looked at her desperately. “You are the closest companion I have here, Lady Millicent, I beg you, please tell me.”

Well in the dialog here you don't need to put so many of the commas. After Lady Milicent just put a full-stop.

I watched her run away, yet still I refused to believe.

So this gets interesting each chapter and you tempt me. Well, I have to read three more chapters when I can at last say 'done'. Okay, so i know the romance here has started but when it would go more? I mean when they both would confess loving each other? Well, that is to read.

I don't have much to say except that here again I found a problem with commas. Since you k now your weak point you know how to go bout improving on that, so I won't say much. When a person know what they lack in or what their mistake is then they don't need much lecturing. Am I not right? looks like I already lectured you! LOL.

Well, can't read to read next chapter but might have to wait as I have tor review other things also.

~Shubhi

Overall/The Story so Far:


Again, more detailed expressions (also so your characters don't seem blank), reactions, voice descriptions, etc. would help to get the reader more into the moment, since I feel that you need to work a bit more on building up tension in this piece, and, as I just said, getting the reader into the moment! Techniques like repeating sentences to give emphasis (you've done this already) help a ton.

For the pros that I maybe have not mentioned already, you're doing a pretty good job with the descriptions of objects and places, and your characters seem to be getting more realistic; I still don't know too too much about Tristan. I love how your world is so believable and realistic.

As of the plot/story itself, I'm not really sure what's going to happen to the MC at all, which is good! Of course I should have some vague ideas of what can happen to her (something to do with ending up with Tristan, at least? Maybe? ), but you probably know that you don't want your ending to be 100% predictable.

So, mainly, build up the tension! Keep up the good work, I'm enjoying this. If you have any questions, please, please, please leave 'em on my wall!

~Kaedee.

P.S. Psssst, I'm still waiting for my more detailed description of Tristan!