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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Wow .. just wow .
This poem gave me chills , it's thrilling and catchy and the spookiness of it just paralizes you.
It had a great flow , especially in the beginning . In the middle it got kind of bumpy but the end was smooth again . The images it painted seemed so real , i could actually smell the blood and see the reflection of light from the razor blade . This was just amazing .
I believe that your use of the worms may speak to me specifically in a different way than you may have anticipated it coming across...
The use of the "worms" may come across as the effects of self-harm that brings one closer to death. The self-harm itself may bring an unrequited, ominous appeal. But in this case the capture of this snare that it can have and the devilish quality of leach-like creatures...
I also find that the "greedy smile" and "guilty grin" give the a back-story to the hold that the darkness that must be inside those who self-harm or SIB.
As a victim of this horrid imprisonment, I respect your use of this topic.
I too wrote about this as I went my way along the road...
Somewhat, your use of metaphor and imagery is confusing, but also the speculative image brings one to wonder about the darkness and fight you speak of.
Sarah,
Admittedly, I'm no fan of end-rhymes and that's an understatement. I mostly hate it used in general, but kudos to you for sticking it out and delivering. At first I wasn't too keen to the sing-song pattern to this morbid piece - I mean, I would've liked to see how this goes with all the freedom and authenticity that free verse allows - but in a way, I do think it works for you - the rhyme provides this allure to the subject, this light-hearted, seducing element, and that is interesting, the contrast is vivid. I'd never thought I'd say this, but yes, keep the rhyme. You made them work, girl
When I read this the first time, I thought the subject was still blade/knife-- Now, if you meant for the subject to be the worms, I recommend you reconfigure the sentence slightly and perhaps choose a different verb? Like slither out? It's not so much that "breaking" sticks out or is weak, but just that they're not so much as breaking the skin, because under my impression, the skin was already broken --the knife has already cut through. At least, that's what I got from the "caress wrist" line. Definitely scratch out the "finally" as it is unnecessary, and further leads me to believe that it was connected to the previous stanza, and therefore still talking about the knife.
The next 2 stanzas, you'll want to watch your transitions. You have: finally, next, lastly -- two of those are superfluous and out of order. I challenge you to just cut out these transition words completely, and let your lines transition bare. You'll find the statements ring more true/powerful, and that makes all the difference. Plus, it gives you more room for words that matter.
Scratch out very from any poetry-vocabulary. It's a useless word, really. I understand that the alliteration is all fine and you need it to maintain rhythm, but there are literally hundreds and hundreds of word choices out there. For the most part, I appreciate and enjoy your word choices, because you have some vivid words and action going on -- For the future, or if you choose to edit this, I would like to see you experiment with more original word choices.
What I mean by that, is even though your word choices are vivid and capture the image well, there is also something that is expected about them. In a piece talking about worms, we almost expect oozing and and chewing and bulbous and such -- it doesn't make your piece any less powerful using them -- but as a way to make this piece more powerful, it'd be neat to experiment with something we might not quite expect. It's the difference between hearing poets saying "green grass" and poets saying something like "secretive grass" The former is expected an almost cliche. The latter invites the reader to wonder - what makes grass secretive? And puts us in a world of swaying grass fields where there are light breezes and rustling sounds, like a whisper. ** So that's just some advice to improve/ food for thought. If you choose to go this route with the experimentation, I'd be happy to chat it over a wfp if you need.
Also, make sure to avoid repeating too much of the same things. Like here:
The same sentiment was also mentioned in the second stanza with "greedy smile". Say it once, say it right. Though, I don't mind the echo effect from the 2nd stanza, all the way down to these last stanzas - just be careful not to over do it.
Also, that last stanza, second line -- don't have a period there, it ends too prematurely. Let the line continue to draw us in to these last moments - maybe add a comma or colon?
Overall, I do love this piece. I love the imagery and the use of the worms as possible metaphor for sin/shame? Excellent. It really brings out the repulsing aspect of the act. c: I think this is an excellent piece that brings out both the emotion and our imaginations. I would love to see more poetry from you.
~ as always, Audy
This was interesting. It was so vivid that i could almost feel it. Your descriptions were amazing and didn't sound forced. You made your rhyme work for you instead of trying to fit fit in words in there just for the sake of rhyme. that is something I usually struggle with. One of the things I loved most is how you tied it all together with the last two stanzas. They ended smoothly while still leaving the reader with a sense of continuance. I used to really be into gruesome stuff like this, but over the years I have moved onto less... strange things. But this was morbid and absolutely wonderful!
Hey there Sarah! Dogs here with your review. You did a really good job of making the reader's skin crawl with this piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, most the time you had excellent imagery with fantastic metaphors. Although at some point I think maybe your wording might be a tad superfluous, but I think for the most part this is an excellent piece. Let's dive in now shall we?
Great opening, I love the imagery and word choice of "caress" in that first line. An excellent way to bring the reader into this piece and shudder right off the bat. I think you first stanza is pretty darn solid, nothing really to complain about there.
"like a knife through liquid butter."
Basically that would be like trying to cut some apple juice, I see the point you're driving at here but just say "butter" and cut "liquid" from the line.
"A greedy smile distorts my lips,/ my eyelids begin to flutter."
I think for the sake of flow, that you should re word just a tiny bit, I love the imagery of a greedy smile distorting your lips, that's excellent. Although you should just add in "as" before "my." So like: "distorts my lips,/ as my eyelids begin to flutter." Just a tiny nit pick thing but it helps.
"Finally, they break the skin,"
You use such fantastic word choice throughout the poem, that when you use simpler words just once it sticks out like a sore thumb. Try to find a substitute for "break." Maybe pierce or something else along those lines.
"Lastly, come the Painful Ones/... Then, at last, the cuts run red,"
You say "lastly" and than "at last," which creates confusion in the reader. Try to edit one of those lines out, also the first line should be: "Lastly comes the Painful Ones"
"of the worms who came to play."
I found it odd that you choose to write this poem around worms. And it isn't exactly clearly shown, the worm's presence, until the last few stanzas. Try to make that theme a little bit more present through the entirety of your poem.
Ohhhh creepy poem, I like this poem because it really encourages people to never cut. Just the imagery you use it so morbid and the word choice so disgustingly fantastic that it just makes us never want to bring a blade to our wrist. Not that I ever would, but I sure know now I certainly ever won't because of this poem. I loved reading it, excellent writing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh