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137,428 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
First thing first, I'm going to get rid of my nit-picking before I get into a non-personal biased review. This is your warning <3
Ellipsis (...) has morphed over the years from something that shows omitted information, to something that chat-speakers like to use to show a pause-
But in all honesty, a pause; something like this
can be created many different ways.
...
Yup, so that's my rant on ellipsis. It's all right there, in the ellipsis.
I would suggest using breaks in the stanzas, lines, commas, hyphens, semi-colins, colins, and other such things to show the 'pauses' instead of using the ellipses. Also, it is always three dots, not two, or four, or nine. It is always three, otherwise you just have a typo,. in your poem.
Next, use more periods for this. We have multiple sentences in this poem and I want to see that. So far, it is four sentences, when in reality, if it was just four sentences, you have way too many ideas and statements in one sentence. Keeping with proper punctuation will help the reader breathe through the poem and read it how you want it to be read.
--End Grammar Hammer--
I feel a little conflicted with this you individual. From what I read, they came from heaven? It seems strange that this girl would be willing to date an angel. They seem like they would be too prim and proper to even bother with a human being. Also how does this speaker not get self-conscious and wonder why they would be blessed like this?
Seeing this person as someone who is only delivered by a heavenly being, helps. As the poem continues, I wonder at the use of perfection instead of perfect in the third stanza, ninth line. Why isn't it perfect? Perfect is what I said the first read-through. That was what felt natural to me when I listen to the poem. When I got to the end, I understood that you wanted to draw in the last line to the lines above it? I would suggest changing it to perfect anyway. Perfect and perfection are so close, that having the repeated word just makes me question if it's true due to the repetition. Why are you drawing so much attention to that as a writer? I feel like as a reader, it is being used to taunt me that the speaker has this perfect person when nothing is perfect. I don't know if other readers will get the same reading from it, or if you might run into someone who's a bit more of a romantic and they love the poem, but it's not quite my cup of tea in that sense.
I think part of the way that you salvage this from being a scripted love poem is including the +rated material in the last three/four stanzas. This gives me something to say that these two individuals, "me" and "you", are at a time in their lives where things are all physical and they are still trying to get over the physical into the emotional deep 'relationship' stage. It does, however, make me question exactly how long these two people knew each other before jumping into the sheets. I feel like this poem could develop the relationship between the two participants past a physical level into an emotional familiarity before we encounter this physical relationship in order to better follow how society thinks love goes, and make it more of a love poem instead of a poem about the physical attraction and what some would qualify as fake love (while others would qualify it as the only type of true love).
Overall, I like how you have the stanzas united by a lack of a period at the end of every stanza, but I think there needs to be some breaking up of stanzas 2-7 into multiple sentences. If you have any questions, or requests, shoot me a pm
Hi Maddymayhem, here are some of my thoughts on your poem:
This first stanza is pretty weak because it is filled with imagery and ideas that are pretty cliched. "Enter my life" is an idiom that doesn't offer much, as is "swept me off my feet". You should try to avoid these sorts of ideas because we want your poetry to be metaphorical and idioms blunt that completely. Guardian angels might seem pretty and romantic, but they are truly a religious icon, and your poem isn't that kind of poem.
Again we have more idioms and cliched ideas: "Slip into a spell". When you are writing romantic poetry the very first thing you want to do is shed yourself of these old ideas because you have simply borrowed and borrowed generously. You are saying nothing new or exciting and so the romance is effectively drained and squeezed out of it. "Chocolate brown eyes" is too much. The word "perfection" rarely belongs in a poem ever.
Okay, I rather like the imagery you attempt here, the molding and stuff. But what makes this unique from the hundreds of thousands of other poems that say the same thing? I am sure that we have all heard of melting into each other when romance is about, so you need to make your descriptions your own.
Romance is individualized
No two couples are the same, so when you write poetry it does well to include the details that the lovers share. Perhaps they have given each other tokens of their affection? Or perhaps they have met the same place every month for several years? It is these small things your reader will relish and find terribly interesting.
This is all stuff that can be cut as it says absolutely nothing. I am barely even getting an image in my head at all, and I'm sure most readers would feel the same way. Be unique! Be different! And mostly, don't be afraid if something seems a little weird or embarrassing! Romance is weird and embarrassing.