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Young Writers Society



Journey To Nevercross Chapter 05

by AwesomeSauce


All eyes are on my uncle, Zemcarla. The Frey across the kingdom are afraid of this man, he causes the chaos. Each problem that comes with the kingdom is either the change if season or him. I hate him, there’s always something about him that pushes me over the edge. He does not belong here; he doesn’t earn the right to call himself a king. My uncle, Zemcarla, may seem like a nice man, but he isn’t. I don’t like him, I don’t trust him; I don’t even know him that well. However, the way he knows me is that he nearly captured me once when I was flying around on my wasp above. He unleashed more wasps onto me, and I ended up healing my wounds at my cousin’s house. I touch the scare that lies on my left arm, feeling the line as it burns my skin. I glare, but say nothing as he laughs.

Human, I know you are awfully confused at the moment, so let me explain. This man is not to be trusted, he isn’t nice. His name is Zemcarla, but I presume you are already are aware this fact. He is the king of the West kingdom, but he is not a nice person, as I said. He is the twin of the king of Tinsel. The way you tell the difference between the two of them is that the South king has yellow hair while the West king has brown. He is also a Sylph, but a dark one.

I remember once when I was small that there was a great fire burning throughout this kingdom of Tinsel. The flames covered every path as if ate it all, everything in site was gone. My house was burnt to the ground, which is the reason why I’m always in the castle; I’m the king’s advisor. He offered me the job when he found me lying on the floor unconscious.

However, that is not the case at hand. Zemcarla isn’t to be trusted, don’t be fooled by his antics, human, otherwise you’ll be sorry. He isn’t a good Frey.

Oh, Neon seems to have spotted me, I must flee. Remember, do not trust him.

My uncle just laughs as my father glares at him, hissing that he shouldn’t exist in this world of Frey. He was banished from the Southern land and the Northern, the East aren’t not that far behind. He had managed to burn down our kingdom once, followed by the North. He hasn’t done the East yet, but I have a funny feeling he has something up his sleeves. Wait, the wasps, I knew I recognized them! They’re Western wasps, the cruellest ones in the land. They tend to damage everything they see, which is why half the town is destroyed again. He stares at Redia, asking her if she was feeling well and if she was ready to be queen. I feel a hand on my shoulder; I looked up, only to see that my mother is telling me to stay put. How can I though, he annoys me.

Zemcarla laughs, looking at me, “So, Neoy, how’ve you been?”

“It’s Neon.”

“Whatever, love!” He strolls up to me, petting my hair, “I must say, you have grown since the last time I’ve seen you, Neoy!”

I brush his hand away, “I said it’s Neon.”

He laughs, “Such a strict person you are too, you never change!” He looks at my sister, “Unlike you, you have changed without realising it, dear!”

“Yeah, haven’t changed.” I fold my arms over my chest, “Why are you here?”

“Oh, ever the impatient one, aren’t you Neoy?” He chuckles, “You see, I heard that your dear sister is being crowned queen today, so I wanted to come and see. As it turns out, she is, along with something else.” He frowned, and clicked his fingers. Instantly, wasps begin to swarm the ball. The Frey were in a panic, and I was about to run, but his laugh caught me off guard, “You see, Neoy, you think that this is bad, wait until you see this!”

Wings appearing on his back, Zemcarla flew his way over to Redia, picking her up and laughing as he held my sister by the collar of her shirt. She screamed, kicking him as he only casted the sleeping cant on her. Everyone went into a panic, but I stared at him, long and hard. He laughs, “If you want to see your stupid sister again, Neoy, come to the West and obtain her!” A flash of smoke appeared, and he vanished without a trace that he’d been here.

Human, human! I need you to not to panic, I know that this situation may seem bad, but we must stay calm. I can see that Neon is ready to burn the place down, so we must stay out of her way. She actually did that once, she was really mad at someone and burnt down the whole room. Human, be warned, when her uncle comes around and he somehow manages to annoy her, then stay out of her way completely.

My mother and father are blaming me for this and banished me to my room until further notice. My Lady In Waiting is with me, along with my butler, Hugo. They’re the only ones that believe me. I stare out the window, sighing. Why is everything my fault for?


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378 Reviews


Points: 3775
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Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:10 am
Omni wrote a review...



Here to review once again!

My name's...You already know my name by now, and if you haven't, then you obviously haven't been reading my reviews *sadface* Oh well, I'll just have to make this review so much more epic than the others!

Quit this insubordination at once, self! Time to get to work!

At the very beginning, I am reading something the is very disturbing to my mind. You had your MC talking about how much she hated this guy who is her uncle, but in Chapter 2 you are talking about him as if you have barely met him before and you don't know much about him, but that he doesn't scare you that much. Now though, you are saying that he is very rude and you hate his guts. I suggest that you at least change the way she views him in Chapter 2.

This chapter seems somewhat childish. You still have Neon as not liking anything, and you put some thoughts into my head by way of the narrator, which I found out was the king's advisor. She clearly doesn't like Neon. It is becoming more and more that Neon is acting like her uncle, especially from what the king's asdvisor tells you.

However, her sister just got kidnapped. The castle just got attacked, and Neon is being sent to her room? That seems kind of anti-climatic, to say the least.

Overall, this story is good, but it lacks what the other chapters have.

Omniyus




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks again! I wrote this one in a writer's block so...Yeah...^^;



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197 Reviews


Points: 13932
Reviews: 197

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Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:41 am
Lycando wrote a review...



Hey there!

I think I get the feeling Neon's journey is about to begin! It's this part of the story where the plot thickens and the true villain comes into play. Zemcarla comes of as an evil person the way you describe him, and I finally know who the mysterious narrator is! Just wondering though why the king's adviser would be afraid of Neon?

The wasp seem to have been the small steps in establishing the true plot here, about the attack Zemcarla launched on Tinsel. However out of all the chapters I don't think you described the wasps. How exactly did they look like? Were they huge and overbearing? Or were they tiny but came in great numbers? Were they're stings long and sharp? These are some questions you can answer and thus be able to describe the wasps.

"Wait, the wasps, I knew I recognized them!"

I think this sentence would have a greater impact if it is rephrased to.

"Wait! The wasps! I knew I recognized them!"

The pauses because of the exclamation marks makes each part prominent to the reader. It's also a good way of changing the tone to make it more surprised.

Overall I enjoyed this chapter once again. However if could try to lengthen the part about Neon's sister being kidnapped. Let Neon try to rescue her but fail, and then her feelings when she realises it's futile.

Hope my review helped!




AwesomeSauce says...


Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it!




It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming