The moon glares down upon me as I stare up, looking deep within it. I sigh, at least the moon doesn’t have any family trouble; at least the moon can do whatever it wants. I stroll over to the door, listening to my father talk among fellow workers. He says that no matter the cause I’m not allowed to go out of my room. I groan, slumping against the door, hitting the ground. This is not fair at all, I should be able to do whatever I want when I want to, yet I cannot due to the fact that I will always get into trouble without even realising it. Half the time it’s my fault I’ll admit, but the other half is when I have no clue! Why must my father be so stupid for?
I felt someone knocking at the door but I didn’t budge, I just sat there staring at the ground. I don’t want to see anyone now, not even my mother. I swear, if they are trying to make my mind change I will scream. I don’t have any objections about being a warrior pixie at all, what’s so bad about it anyway? I don’t get this world. If I were in the human world, I think I would fit in fine. Although, that is against the law, and the humans scare me. I know that father’s advisor has connections with the humans and she scares me because of this. I look at the moon again, and a thought hits me.
I will rescue Redia myself!
Human, this is a serious crisis, so don’t fool around. Will you stop looking at the moon and pay attention to this situation we have at hand now? I thought you humans are the ones that pay attention to every detail, but I guess I’m wrong. You know what we are doing, right? If not, then I’ll explain it one more time. We, myself, the king and some warriors, are having a meeting right now and you are not to be seen. Look, I know that I let you see me, but they won’t. Just stay here behind this curtain, and don’t move.
I hear my father talking to his advisor, her voice almost a whisper but I can understand her perfectly. She was never his advisor until we found her unconscious at our doorstep and from then Zinc has been his advisor. She has this tendency to talk to herself at times which honestly scares me, but not as much as she scares me when she talks about humans. When we took her in, which was when I was around 800 years old, she told me about the humans and their ways of life. She said that they’re not entirely different from us, but I don’t believe her. It because of them we are always under threat when they don’t take care of the garden. It’s their fault for the unnatural things that happen throughout Tinsel, throughout the entire Frey kingdom to be more to the point. I don’t understand that Elf, she’s too weird.
A knock on my door startled me making me jump. I open it to see Minx, standing there with what appeared to be a new change of clothes. She sighs, “I thought you might like to get into something to more of your standards.”
I motion her to come in and shut the door, as I chuckle, “You manage to think of everything.”
She nods as I get changed into the clothes, “Yes, I don’t understand why the Frey don’t get you…Well, other than Hugo, Mistress.”
I nod, “Yes, he should be coming now actually.”
“Whatever for, Mistress?” She tilts her head to one side, “Wasn’t he called for you father?”
“Nah, I asked for him to give me food, so he should be here soon…” A knock on my door got my attention, “That would be Hugo.”
Minx opened the door, and Hugo huffs, “I am not allowed to into the kitchen, Neon. But I did manage to get what you requested.”
I nod, “Great.” I grab my sword from him and strapped it around my waist. I got a two very confused eyes staring at me, and I chuckle, strapping the second sword across my back, “I’m rescuing Redia back myself.”
“WHAT?!” Minx gasps, “Mistress, you can’t!”
“And why not, pre tell? I am the princess of the Southern Kingdom; I should be able to do whatever I like! So not you, nor anyone else is going to stop me!” Hugo just stares at me, “What?”
“Well, how exactly are you going to do this without any help?”
“Who’d said that you two aren’t coming with me?” Their eyes widened, “Didn’t you guys know? I don’t trust anyone else to come with me anyway.”
He gasps, “But Neon, I can’t get into trouble again, we can’t get into trouble again!”
I sigh, looking at them both, “Look, I need you guys to come. It’s the only way I can actually travel anywhere without being watched over!”
“But, we’re watching over you…To be honest, Mistress, that doesn’t even make any sense…”
I groan, strolling over to the wall, “As a royal, you are entitled to follow me…” I feel about the wall, before finding a button that opens the wall. The door opens, revealing a small hole that was dug when I was 600 years old. I heard gasps again, and laugh, crouching down, “Come along then!” They followed.
The hole is really small; I can’t even believe that I dug it. Yet again, this was when I was 600 years old and I wanted to see the stars with my sister, so I dug a hole that leads to the stables. The walls are far apart though, which makes it easier to move through considering that I have a sword on my back and one attached to my waist by my belt. I hear them both gasp yet again as we enter the stables. I run over to a bull ant, telling it that this journey is going to be a long one.
We all hop on the cart, but before we go, I hear Mix sigh, “Mistress, I am going with you. However, there is something that I must say before we go.”
I glance over, sighing, “What?”
“If I die, it’s your fault.”
I shrug, “Fine by me.”
The journey starts here.
Something’s strange. Human, come with me, I believe its Neon. Why are you holding me back for? I want to go and see if she’s okay, even though she doesn’t request to see me ever. The butler opens the door, come along human. What?! Human, Neon is missing! Wait, you knew?! Human, all I can say is that we’re in so much trouble.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Note: I haven't read any previous chapters, so if anything I mention here is explained earlier, just take it with a grain of salt.
1. That opening paragraph is a complete mess. Let's dissect it.
Better would be "as I stare up at it" to give this sentence some backbone through parallelism. Also, how might one go about looking "within" the moon? Unless you mention earlier that the protagonist has x-ray vision, this doesn't make sense.
I don't get it, didn't he just answer his own complaint? They claims that it's unfair that they're locked in their room, then proceed to explain why it's fair?
More bizarre contradictions! You explain that you're causing mischief intentionally half the time, then call your dad stupid for locking you up? Which is btw suggestive of hypocrisy, since in just the last sentence you call yourself clueless.
So, some fixing up is needed there.
2. Grammar issues abound! Your most common error is punctuating dialogue like this:
where you're guilty of a sort of hidden comma splice. Correct is
as the nodding is a separate sentence. This goes for all actions preceding dialogue. The only time a comma is used is in the case of a speech tag, ie say, declare, proclaim, etc. Here's an example:
which is admittedly awkward, as the tags usually follow the dialogue rather than precede it, but grammatically correct.
3. You need to try varying how you structure dialogue. It's pretty much completely
or some variation of that, and it quickly becomes tiresome to read. A lot of the actions interspersed between the cracks in the conversation aren't even ones I care about, such as "their eyes widened" or "Hugo just stares at me," all things that should be implicit in what the characters are saying. Focus less on what they're doing as they're talking and more and what they're actually talking about.
4. The italicized bits kinda suck. They're just big blocks of text, often incomprehensible, often confusing, which you attribute an air of importance by italicizing them but really are just her father talking. It isn't clear what the italics are supposed to portray, because in the first one she's just overhearing him, which isn't really worth of italicization at all, but in the next one she's, like, mind reading, which again is suggestive of some super power I'm guessing I missed.
5. There's some heavy tense confusion going on here. I was confused throughout this entire piece whether this took place in the past or in the present, and I still am.
I hope this helped in some way.
-Kafka
O.O You are very helpful, you know that?
XD Thanks!
Hey there!
I'm back to review yet another chapter!
I find that the storyline here to be changing quite drastically. Neon is finally opening up to her true self and being the warrior that she wants to be. I find that change to be very quick though. There isn't the inner conflict that I would expect. Would she be worried about what her family would think of her if she was to do that? Or maybe it's her character that doesn't care what others think? She seems to be very well prepared to do this, for a Princess who has been pampered all her life.
The dialogue in this has some grammatical mistakes but they're very minor so I don't think I would go through them. Instead, re read the dialogue and add in this missing words where needed.
Over here it seems that Neon expected Minx and Hugo to know they were to go along with her to save Redia. I don't think you meant to put it across that way so probably rephrase it.
I find the ending a little rushed, also it's not much of a cliffhanger given the last line. It would be better if you added the description of the cart and stable. Maybe even have Minx and Neon argue a little. The good way to end off with the cliffhanger here is to have them start riding off into the distance, or something along that line. Don't just say "The journey starts here". If you're only waiting up till the sixth chapter to say that, it's somehow a little to late, if you want it to impact the reader.
Overall a good chapter, I like the different point of views so far, and I hope my review helped!
Thank you! It did!