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Young Writers Society



Journey To Nevercross Chapter Two

by AwesomeSauce


I want to get my head around the events that went on this afternoon, but I cannot due to the dresses that are thrown at my face. From blue to green, the silk fabric seems to be shoved at my face. This is getting out of hand, everything seems to be getting out of hand ever since the wasps came. Everyone is in panic, but at the same time calm. I don’t get it though, the people should be concerned at least, and yet they’re not. I don’t get it.

The wasps that came past earlier don’t look as if they come from this part of Frey, they look either Eastern or Western wasps, but that doesn’t make any sense. The Frey from the East have traditions they keep up with, while the West do something’s that I’ll never know. Father says that I should never go to the West, but I wonder why. My uncle, my father’s twin brother, rules that place, so I don’t understand why. Although, he doesn’t scare me at times, so I don’t know.

My Lady In Waiting taps me on the shoulder, smiling, “Mistress, we need to know what dress you’ll like to wear.”

“Oh, right…” I sigh, “I wasn’t paying attention, sorry.”

“Miss, which colour, green or blue?” The shop keeper’s accent sounded as if she was from the North.

“I don’t know…Blue maybe…”

She nodded, “Oui, great choice! We’re running out of green anyway!” She ruffled a dress from the counter, obviously getting rid of all the wrinkles.

“Mistress, are you alright? You seem distracted over something…” My Lady In Waiting seems to know when things are wrong with me.

I groan, “It’s just that, why do I have to go to the ball for? Why can’t I be a commoner?”

She gasped, “But Mistress, that’s uncanny! Why would you want to be a commoner?”

I shrug, “Being royal is too tedious, nothing ever comes out of it anyway!” Getting two pairs of eyes at me that were full of utter confusion, I sigh, “Look, to you guys it may seem all glamorous, but all that comes out of it is nothing but dances and royal greets and meets!”

“Excuse me of intruding this discussion, Miss…” The shop keeper held up a hand, “But why a commoner? We don’t get that much thing either!”

“I don’t know…I’ve always wanted to be a warrior though, but I’m stuck being a princess…”

“A warrior?” She laughed, “You cannot be a warrior! That is a man’s job!”

I sigh, getting fitted in my dress. Why is it a boy’s job anyway?

You humans aren’t aware of the rules in Tinsel, are you? Well, to begin with, male and female Frey has different jobs that they must follow. If you look outside the window, you might understand what I mean. A female Elf is in the bakery, baking her days away, while a male Elf is patrolling the town, inspecting every corner for an intruder. You see, a woman cannot do a man’s job otherwise they are banished from the town. It may seem harsh, but one of the laws is that each Frey must know its place.

I must flee before Neon catches me.

Why can they not see that I want to be something other than a princess? All day I have been hearing that I should just stay being princess. But why though? I don’t even want to go to the ball, seeing my sister smirk at me as she gets crowned queen. I hate today, I hate every other day. I want to be a warrior, fighting off wasps and insects from Tinsel.

Hugo was at the door as we walked back to the castle, sighing, “Mistress, your mother said to meet her in the ball room, she wishes to discuss something with you.”

I groan, walking in the direction of the throne room, “Thanks…”

What did mother want?


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378 Reviews


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Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:36 am
Omni wrote a review...



Here to review!

My name is Omniyus and I will review this piece for you and all pieces after this because I can!

So here we, time to start! I like the italized area. At first, I thought it was Neon talking, then she would be talking about herself in the end, so I figured out that it was someone else. I don't know who it could be, but I like it, for it adds suspense to the chapter.

Neon seems like she doesn't want to be there. I don't know how old she is, but she seems young. Her views on everything are very one-sided, biased. She knows what she doesn't want, and she won't budge on it.

You did change from past to present tense a couple of times, which is a mistake that ruins the even the best of writers.

There was some repition of words in there. I made a new story that I had to spend thirty minutes just trying to find words that aren't the same.

Keep up the good work. Time to review your next chapter!

Hope this helped!
Omniyus




AwesomeSauce says...


XD Thank you so much!



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197 Reviews


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Reviews: 197

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Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:09 am
Lycando wrote a review...



Hey there again!

Now this part of the story is where Neon seems really frustrated with her life and it shows in all her thoughts and complaints. Somehow I get a feeling that she will run away soon, given the chance.

Dialogue wise here it seems that Neon is very childlike. She prefers to be a warrior fighting off enemies instead of being the princess that she is. It seems that her thinking is very naive in this case and the others treat her as a kid. Her thoughts seem to be lost in the wasp and affairs outside of the kingdom, it seems that she really wants to get out.

The mysterious voice yet again! Now I know that this particular fairy doesn't wish to be caught by Neon and I'm left wondering why. I like that you're keeping the readers in suspense here, well done!

The ending again with the question seems to be a habit of yours. :P I don't have anything against it though. If used in the correct context and moment it can certainly be a good way to end of a chapter. But don't overuse it too much because it gets repetitive and boring after a while. Vary your style of writing her and there, so that readers have something new to look at.

One other nitpick here.
"Father says that I should never go to the West, but I wonder why. My uncle, my father’s twin brother, rules that place, so I don’t understand why."
Same with the last chapter, you used "why" twice here. Note that I said in my previous review that repetition of words in the wrong context spoils the flow of the story and makes the reading the sentence a little weird. Plus, in this case it was the last word of both sentences, so it makes it even more awkwardly used.

Hope my review helped!




AwesomeSauce says...


It did! Thanks! XD




Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said