The sun wakes up from its sleep, making me turn away from the open window in my room. It creeps up behind the curtains, slowly snaking into my room and onto my eyes. Strange, it’s not as cold as it was a month ago. Why? I don’t want today to be warm, I’m the Princess of Tinsel, I don’t need to wake up! Maybe if I pretend to be dead, will they believe me? I wish they did, but I’m a Pixie, the Frey don’t believe us for some reason unknown to me.
A knock on my door made me sit up, groaning. My head hurts, but I can’t let anyone down in this kingdom, I protect it after all. The knock grew louder, following a voice, a bright and cheerful voice, stating, “Mistress, it’s time to be awake! Today, I have brought a selection of dresses that are the finest silk!” The door opened, revealing my confused Lady in Waiting, “Mistress? Whatever is the matter?”
I sigh, glancing at her, “What day is it?”
“Today is the beginning of Spring, Mistress!” I could hear the cheerfulness in her voice.
Wait, beginning of Spring? Oh no, “No, no, no, no, no, no! Not today!”
“What?”
I stared at her, eyes going wide, “Today’s the New Year Ball, isn’t it?”
She nodded, “Yes, which is why I need you out of bed, Mistress. You see, we need to get your dress fitted for the ball so…” She held out the dresses that were in her arms, “Now, which one would you like to wear today?”
“Any…” I slip my head into my hands, groaning.
It’s Spring, therefore a new year. I’m not that fond on the New Year celebrations they have in Tinsel, especially the New Year’s Ball. Each year we hold one for the grand Frey that are here, and it gets more boring as the years pile on. My father, the King of Tinsel, always forces me to go and do my role as a princess. Truth is, I don’t want to be a princess.
I want to be a Warrior Pixie. These people like me protect the people from harm in Frey and make sure nothing will come and destroy the Kingdom of Tinsel. From wasps to the unimaginable, we will thrive to protect the people from the harm that faces this kingdom.
“Mistress, it’s time to get dressed. I have chosen the green dress, if that is okay with you.” My Lady in Waiting optimistically states, I think in hope to cheer me up. It doesn’t, if I do say so, but I won’t question her theories. I walk over and grab the dress, dressing myself into them.
While Neon does that, let me tell you about her family. To you humans, it may not be a big deal to talk about these great Fairy people, but to us it is different.
Follow me towards the throne room. All around you, there are many different types of servants working for the royal family. They tend to offer you drinks and food, but you need to decline in order to meet the King and Queen. However, the butler of Neon is walking past us, raising a brow at you. Hugo has never seen a human before, but by this look that he is giving you, he is not too pleased to see you. Come along, human, we’re outside the throne room doors.
Two butlers open the doors in front of us, revealing the throne room. As your eyes wonder around the site, you may notice that the room is made of the finest golden flower petals around, and autumn leaves are spread across the floors like spilt paint. You humans are weird fussing over fallen leaves, but to us it is very reliable. The windows have no glass, instead always open letting the breeze cool down the castle insides. It looks rather grand, doesn’t it?
If you look outside the windows, you may see the town. Elves are dancing in a pattern as the music fills the town and reaches our ears. It’s such a lovely sound, flutes and drums making a song that fills the room. Why are you looking at me dance? I’m an Elf, so this comes naturally to me when this song comes on. You may notice the Flower Fairies braiding the children’s long hair as they giggle; they enjoy their hair being braided with flowers. Stop staring, human, I need to show you around the throne room before Neon comes in.
We walk around the throne room, spotting the King himself. I wonder where the Queen is, considering that she’s always with him, she must be busy. Why are you stunned at the King? Yet again, it is very rare to find a male Sylph in the fairy world. Do you see his left wing, if you do, take a close look at it. You may notice it’s tattered. This is because of a war that broke out within the west and southern kingdoms here in the fairy world.
Oh, the princess is coming; I must leave you for now.
Why is my life always so busy? My butler, Hugo, had just told me that today will be so busy for me it won’t be funny. On top of that, my father wishes to see me. I hope he isn’t angry again; he’s always either mad or annoyed at me for some reason. I don’t see why though, I just do my daily business and somehow wound up being in trouble. I wonder why though?
I stroll around the castle, trying to take everything in. My father insisted that this kingdom would be the grandest thing anyone has ever seen, so he made sure it was grand, inside and out. It’s a rather weird thought though; having such a big headed father like mine can be quite a handful, especially for my mother. I feel so sorry for her, because every time the sun rises, he demands so many things that her head must explode from confusion. I know mine does, but mother doesn’t seem to explode for some reason. It must be because she’s been his wife for so long that she knows all the tricks about him.
Odd, why are the throne room doors open? I could’ve sworn that they were closed a minute ago. Oh well, I might as well go inside and see my father, who looks incredibly annoyed when he sees me enter.
I grinned, “Good mornin’ father!”
He groaned, “Neon…”
Oh, what did I do now? “You wanted to see me…”
He sighed, strolling over to me, “Do you know what day it is today?”
“Yeah, today is the beginning of the New Year.” Why would he ask that?
“That’s not what I meant.” He locked eyes with me, “Today is your sister’s corrugation of becoming Queen of Tinsel.”
“Huh?”
He sighed annoyed, “She’s becoming Queen of Tinsel today.”
Oh! “Right, I know that father! No need to tell me!” I could read the annoyance on his face, and I sighed, “Tell me, what I did wrong.”
“Where do I begin?” He stared out the window, “Tell me, why is the stables open?”
Oh, “Umm…I wanted to let them out for a little….”
“Yeah, let them out.” He rolls his eyes, “Like when the corner shop burnt down last night and the gnomes are re-building it now!”
“It was an accident!”
“You burnt the shop to the ground!”
“I was practicing my fire spell, father!”
“You thought you saw a wasp and fired it only to realise it was nothing but your imagination!”
While he was scolding me, I couldn’t help but hear a slight buzzing noise. It wasn’t a Bee; they usually make a humming noise. The Dragonflies hardly make any noise when it comes to their movements. What is that noise? Flying Ants? I push past my father and glance out the window, eyes going wide. “Wasps! Call the guards!” I ran out.
My feet were pounding against the floor of the castle as I bumped into furniture as I did so. Once making it outside, I skited to a halt, staring at the flying figures above me. They’re covering the sky like a blanket, blue insects is all I can see. On them were warriors from the western fairy kingdom, they were sent here by someone.
I wasted no time in rushing towards the stables, hoping on a Bee, kicking its sides. I was in the air, the wind blowing into my hair, as I clicked my fingers, revealing fire. I pointed towards one of the insects, the fire aimed at their heads. It shot out of my fingers, landing on its head, and it began to fall towards the ground. The guards and I did this several times before stopping; realising there was none there anymore.
We landed, and I sighed, walking over towards Hugo, “Wasps again.”
“Again, Mistress? That’s the third time this season.” He huffed, “Someone sending them here, but who?”
I shrug, walking into town, “Something better be done about it!”
He sighed, following me, “Mistress, we know about the complaints that have been made, but we don’t know who sends them in! Until we do, you and the guards will have to fight them off.” As we made our way over to the dress store, he clapped his hands together, “Now, let us see about this dress!”
I wonder who could’ve sent them here?
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi again!
Now in this chapter here, the narrating voice makes much more sense! I get it now. It's very unique, my hat goes off to you. Now, I'm dying to know who the narrator actually is, because something, more specifically this line here
makes me thing that s/he's more than just a disembodied voice! And if he is, you might want to develop him/her more as a person! Because if the narrator is a person, that person may be biased in narration, wouldn't you think? That's played with wonderfully in books like the Kane Chronicles.
The flow of this chapter could also, in some places, be worked on, maybe! Nothing major, it's just the use of some commas in some places that irks me. Like here:
I think that could be broken up. Like: "I don't want to be warm, I'm the Princess of Tinsel! I don't need to wake up!"
There were a few typos here and there, most notably your switch of coronation and corrugation.
But hey, I enjoyed this just as much as the prologue! Now my battery is dying, but I cant wait to read the rest! Keep writing.
Ovis xx
Thanks!
Wahoooo!!! So I’m reviewing this now. (Thanks for the reminder.)
Part 1. Nitpicks!
**As I read, if I come across anything that seems off or could use some cleaning up, not necessarily every typo mind you, then say stuff about it here.
So, first things first, the only real nitpick here is the “onto” which I think would definitely sound better as “into.”
But I did want to comment on your use of “slowly.” Something my English professors remind me about all of the time is that one adjective can sometimes be better than three. Rather than saying that the sun was “slowly snaking,” try to find just the right word that says it’s “slowly snaking” but with one word.
Using just the right word can dramatically alter a sentence.
-- The sun slithered into the room.
-- The sun flooded into the room.
There’s only a single word difference between the two sentences but the visual each inspires is totally different.
This is actually a run on sentence. A simple fix would be to turn that first comma into a period.
Again, this is a run on sentence – gotta be careful of those – but you could fix it easily by changing the second comma into a period. One thing I do want to comment on is that
“be awake,” sounds strange. It could be a culture difference – I see that you’re from Australia – so it might be that but it would sound better, at least to my ears, as “it’s time to wake up.”
Again, the wording seems odd. “Today is the first day of Spring,” would seem to sound more natural, at least to me.
Cliff hangers! This is more of a personal thing but you don’t have to end every chapter with a question. It’s kind of like the Horatio Caine one-liners in CSI Miami equivalent to wrapping up chapters in my opinion. You don’t really need them. Trust that what you’ve written can compel your readers to want to read the next chapter.
Hoofta! Now that we’ve finished with all of that…
I apologize for how many little picks and points there were. I just started and then I couldn’t stop myself.
But some bigger things
Your Guide
I read the prologue too by the way. And I like the way you’re narrating the story. It’s different and unique and I like that A LOT. Super brownie points there. But you should also work on making him as distinct of a character as he is. Perhaps he has a strange quirk like rambling off about different types of tarts or commenting on the latest news in Fray gossip (which would open up a world of possibilities when your guide takes over as to revealing tid-bits about other characters. Like how in video games, inn-keepers always have all of the juicy gossip. Sorry, been playing a lot of Skyrim.)
Having a device like your italicized portions, is a very powerful tool and it’s unique to your story. You just have to learn to use it.
Reader Proofing Your Stories
It’s a problem that authors face all of the time whether its set in a brand new world or the modern one. Take cell phones as an example. Modern day story. We find our heroine walking home from a night club when she notices someone following her. She feels on edge. The hairs on the back of her neck raise anxiously. She darts down a dark alley. He follows. Her pulse quickens. Your heroine finds herself at a dead end. She’s too nervous to even scream. The logical response is to bust out the cell phone and dial 9-1-1. But that’s hardly good fiction so instead of busting out her phone, the heroine stands up to them, back against a dark alley wall, and instead of crumbling to defeat, she finds she has a strange and powerful magical ability. But readers will still find themselves wondering, well why didn’t she just call the police? So you as a writer have to find ways to work around it. Her cell phone slipped out of the waistband of her skirt and shattered on the dance floor earlier that night. She’s already having a horrible night and someone nabbed her purse while she was in the bathroom, getting her money, phone, and favorite lip gloss.
Why do you think so many horror stories start out in the middle of nowhere, where even the cell phone towers can’t reach?
Lady in Waiting
It’s just a thing that crossed my mind but why does she refer to her Lady in Waiting as Lady in Waiting. Nova seems like the sort of character who would treat her servants, especially those she sees on a daily basis, more familiarly so she would know her Lady in Waiting’s name. If you had a character who adhered very strictly to royal protocol, it would make sense for her to regard her servants as nothing more than jobs. You’ll want to remember to keep your characterization consistent throughout.
Okay, I’ve hit 1,500 words here. I better move on to Chapter Two.
Sorry again about the length. Here’s an adorable kitten gif for your troubles.
Here's the goofed up parts, they should be un-goofed up now.
Why is she asking this? I mean if it%u2019s something that happens every year, I could understand how she might have forgotten just what day it is but it%u2019s kind of like waking up on Christmas Day and then asking if you%u2019re having Christmas dinner that night. Just something to keep in mind. Go back and ask yourself, if someone asks why my character is doing this, what%u2019s the answer?
But she does fight them, it seems all of the time and she does it all while being princess. Readers will likely wonder to themselves, like that last comment, why? What%u2019s the reasoning behind it? One of my Professors calls it reader-proofing your writing.
Don%u2019t just say that these things are unimaginable. Take some time to imagine something, even if it%u2019s something like
%u201CDressing myself into them,%u201D is another one of those things that sounds kind of awkward with the wording.
She seems to kind of know what she%u2019s done to get herself in trouble, right. So wouldn%u2019t she be wondering how she was managing to get into trouble, but rather what she did that she got caught for doing.
You used the word explode in the sentence before it. Rather than using the same word, maybe use a contrast. Where Nova seems to explode, her mother %u201Cmanages to hold herself together somehow.%u201D Just a suggestion.
Corrugation %u2013 %u201Ca ridge or groove of a surface that has been corrugated.
Coronation %u2013 %u201Ca ceremony making the formal investiture of a monarch and/or their consort with regal power.%u201D
Sometimes, just because Microsoft Word thinks it%u2019s right, it%u2019s not.
Keep within realist terms. Wouldn%u2019t one of their servants have caught that the stable door had been left open. If they have servants. It almost seems unnecessary (unless you have plans for that point later) but I would focus on the fire part.
These too pieces of dialogue are awkward. The wording is clumsy. Instead, just a suggestion, but something more like %u201CLike how you managed to burn down the corner shop list night practicing your fire spell at imaginary wasps. The gnomes are rushing to re-build the shop before the Ball as we speak.%u201D
Skited %u2013 %u201Cto strike with a sharp or glancing blow.%u201D
Skidded %u2013 %u201Cto move sideways in a turn because of insufficient banking.%u201D
Like a said earlier, sometimes Microsoft goofs sometimes.
I%u2019ll get to this line in the review for Chapter Two. Just remember it, okay.
One moment the sky is covered in insects but after just several waves of attacks, they%u2019re all gone. Did they disperse? You%u2019ll want to let readers know.
Cliff hangers! This is more of a personal thing but you don%u2019t have to end every chapter with a question. It%u2019s kind of like the Horatio Caine one-liners in CSI Miami equivalent to wrapping up chapters in my opinion. You don%u2019t really need them. Trust that what you%u2019ve written can compel your readers to want to read the next chapter.
Thanks! This helps me!
Hey there!
First off I did like this story, it's full of thought and emotion from the princess. Her annoyance at her own life and wanting to change it shows her character as pretty stubborn and un ladylike. It's an interesting character she has though.
Now on to the plot, so far you've basically given a reader an introduction to the setting through the "tour" from the mysterious voice. I would like to see if the mysterious fairy appears in the later chapters as an actual character. One thing though, if the reader was supposedly in the castle as a human, why did no one seem to notice us? Hugo did see the human and raised his bow but what about the others, in the narration the reader was in the presence of the king but the king didn't seem to pay any heed.
The ending itself was pretty rushed. I mean if a whole bunch of wasps flew in to a kingdom I think there would be a pretty good reason to panic wouldn't it? But Hugo and the princess just take it ever so lightly and even continue with the New Year's preparations. This part I don't get. The last sentence was a question, and it was also a awkward ending. A few more sentences with a better conclusion would do the trick.
One nitpick that I have.
"The sun wakes up from its sleep, making me turn away from the open window in my room. It creeps up behind the curtains, slowly snaking into my room and onto my eyes."
You used the "room" twice here. It's a little repetitive and somehow affects the flow of the two sentences, which would make a pretty good beginning. A little editing here should do the trick.
Hope my review helped!
It did! Thank you! I'm glad you like it!